October 27, 2009 Diet Blog

Another crazy day. I'm tired. It was the birthday of one of my co-workers; the best adoption clerk in the county. She had told me not to eat breakfast or to bring lunch and assured me that there would be healthy foods served by her and lots of it. I took her at her word. She did have vegetables and dip, and bagels but everything else- though delicious I'm sure- had no health benefits what so ever. I knew I'd made a mistake right away. My own fault...
I had a bagel- plain- just the bagel; no butter, cream cheese or anything. That was breakfast and 10 am snack. The same for lunch, but with a handful of carrot sticks- no dip. That was also 3pm snack. I grocery shopped after work because the meeting I was scheduled for got rescheduled. Then I went home and cooked multi-grain spaghetti in regular sauce because the low fat kind was no where to be found. Later I had a lite n fit yogurt. I'm positive that my calorie intake was exorbitant today, but I can honestly tell you that I did the best I could. I had none of the fattening foods, cakes, cookies or goodies offered for the birthday. Still, I'm completely unhappy with myself.
My coworker that works the front desk with me had an exceptionally rough time dieting today as well; not just because of the food. Her troubles were an emotional response to something that she saw and heard today. To give you an explanation and make a long story short, she dealt with the parent of a young person that had passed away as a result of being a passenger on a motorcycle. The news hit her no harder than a missle hitting the building next door if you get my drift. The reason being that someone very close to her recently sustained multiple injuries from a motorcycle accident as well. There have been several surgeries already and more to come as one of the results of the accident. The injuries are severe. One of the person's ankles was shattered and mangled. That person lived and they were very lucky. She took the moment hard. She ran right to the cake. She volunteered the explanation as I said nothing. She needed to tell me; to reach out... We talked about it. It's not my place to judge another. Who am I to do that. I'm huge myself....
As she sat down with the cake she told me what she was doing and why. I understood. She knew what and why but still chose to feel comforted in the way that she was used to. It was fast. Still, I found myself asking her later if it had worked. It really hadn't. In fact she felt worse. Still she chose to continue on that path further. I completely understood. There isn't really an explanation- at least not one that I could rationally explain to someone who has never experienced that kind of thing. I've done it myself. Truth is- I'm fighting it right now. It's okay. We'll pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and begin again. The trick is to do it right now; this very minute!
I feel like I've had a lot of mishaps lately too. I'm not sure if that's just because I'm so aware of it or if its because I actually have. I know that I've been fighting way too many emotional battles these days. I wonder sometimes why things can't just be easier. I'm tired. Why do we have to fight for every pound and other people never gain an ounce? It seems unbalanced and unfair. Right about here I used to make a joke about weight distribution being the only mistake I believed that the Lord had ever made and how I was going to inquire about it when I get to heaven. Most people laugh. But I no longer believe that its actually an error on the Lord's part because of a conversation I had with someone awhile back.
Maybe this weight and this fight with it is what makes me compassionate, loving and kind when others would not be in the same circumstances I'm put in on a daily basis. Compassion breeds compassion, and without the pain we cannot learn compassion. Still, I find myself wondering why I am the one chosen to learn compassion and not the beautiful girl who gets through life solely on her looks... I guess we'll never know the answer to that question.
I'm going to forge ahead; whittle away at the pounds until they go; become the best version of myself that I can. I'm going to forgive myself- not make things any worse and I remind you to do the same and to remember that you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Try to stay positive...even in the face of emotional adversity...and if you falter; I'm right here... not to judge or correct...but to just be beside you. See you next blog. ;-)