Sigh...I actually feel like that...clogged... I made plans yesterday to take the kids to a movie or something, but I never heard from my sister-in-law so it didn't happen.t was okay though. I needed the break. I basically sat around-no call from my BFF-no call from my husband and no call from anyone else. Loneliness...I can't tell you.
I decided to do some charity work today for the troops defending our country and two churches. It felt good to do that and the loneliness subsided a bit. like helping others.
When my husband arrived at Newark airport, he borrowed his friends phone to call me and get a ride home...funny huh? I picked them up then he backseat drove and I got frustrated and lost my temper. He seemed shocked. Then I calmly kept the conversation going on a lighter note because his friend was in the car with us. did mention in a joking manner- but its not a joke that I did not like not hearing from him for 2 solid days. Believe me if the situation was reversed it would not go over well.
He acknowledged me but nothing deeper than that. I cooked him ham steak and mashed potatoes for dinner and then we watched tv...I'm so lonely...I just don't get it? This was such a hard week.... I really need some "diet draino" lol... I'm going to figure out how to loosen the drain and get rid of the stale, stagnant water this week gathered...Have a good night all...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
11-19-11 Diet Blog
Non-diet blog...Diet Clog... either way, this has been the WEIRDEST week...I can't tell you how odd...I don't know if I'm being tested...punked or just on candid camera. I got into work yesterday and was literally accosted at the entrance by the mail guy who is apparently VERY excited about the upcoming union Christmas Party. It will not be in December. It will be January 6th instead. Now seriously- in the 8 years I've worked at the courthouse I've not been to one. I listened but it was so lengthy that I was going to be late-as opposed to my usual early. He literally would not excuse me and chased me down the hall, up the stairs and into the courtroom where he then at long last, let me go.
My co-worker- a young boy my sons age approached me as I got to my cubicle and he was so full of cold that he needed tea but couldn't go get himself some because of the time. I was already signed in so I offered to get it for him. (I should just keep my mouth shut and start riding around on a broom.) Anyway I go towards the door through the front desk exit and both girls are there along with the eye roller. One of the maintenance men- autistic- is "singing" in the hallway, listening to his own echo in the hallway. I had told the girls the story of the mail guy so I joked that maybe I'd better wait until the singer was done. The eye roller rolls her eyes and huffs. "He (using the guys name) would NEVER hurt you," she says with a hand moving to her hip. I nearly fell over. "I'm not a monster" went through my head at the accusatory look on her face and tone in her voice. I then re-told the mail guy story letting her in on the fact that the girls behind the desk knew, and that it was a joke regarding that- like I may get serenaded or something. The girls at the desk laughed and her look and tone changed but let me clue you- THAT is exactly why I will never go to her again....
I then went and got my co-worker his tea but my day was off to a rocky beginning. My supervisor and I banged out 40 cases and by 3:30 pm we had actually slowed to a crawl. I'm so proud of us. So was she.
At around 10am I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. The teller is new. This is the second time in as many bi-weekly paychecks that the same girl has given me a hundred bucks extra by mistake. I gave it back both times. My co-worker, who was with me both times was flabbergasted! Me too...
I go back to work and the eyeroller, one of the other clerks and the two receptionists were there. I joke: "I'm really securing my place in heaven this week..." I actually waited 4 the eye roller to jump the gun, but she didn't. Instead, she waited for the story. I told them about the 2nd hundred dollar mistake- my co-worker that was there told about the no gift for Christmas clubs this year rule and then I went to the back and worked.
The night ended on a lonely note, no call from my husband...
There was a text from my sister-in-law about watching her daughter for the day, but I cannot. I'm heading to the wake and do not want to subject a ten year old to that- plus I'm a total mess...I gracefully declined. Then I decided to sit around and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee in my pajamas... nope...
tile guy calls- hubby made an appointment with him to come today and finish the bathroom. He was at the door at 8am. I let him in, ran and changed my clothes- missed the wake as it takes 2 hours to get there and they didn't leave until the afternoon. Sigh...I'm being tested...no way I'm not....Anyway- so now its the afternoon. I called my BFF because according to preplanning, we are going out to PF Changs at 3:30 pm for a late lunch. That's what the plans were anyway. She texted me at 3-still at mall shopping for a dress, text me at 6-same, then again at 7. She got her hair done and now her daughter was just getting into the chair. Sigh...not happening.... no call from my husband either. I cannot believe that he didn't even try to call me.
On a better note though- the bathroom is finally looking like a bathroom... I will try to Blog again tomorrow- but honestly, my "diet" isn't... sorry. I'm going to try and pull it together. I promise....
My co-worker- a young boy my sons age approached me as I got to my cubicle and he was so full of cold that he needed tea but couldn't go get himself some because of the time. I was already signed in so I offered to get it for him. (I should just keep my mouth shut and start riding around on a broom.) Anyway I go towards the door through the front desk exit and both girls are there along with the eye roller. One of the maintenance men- autistic- is "singing" in the hallway, listening to his own echo in the hallway. I had told the girls the story of the mail guy so I joked that maybe I'd better wait until the singer was done. The eye roller rolls her eyes and huffs. "He (using the guys name) would NEVER hurt you," she says with a hand moving to her hip. I nearly fell over. "I'm not a monster" went through my head at the accusatory look on her face and tone in her voice. I then re-told the mail guy story letting her in on the fact that the girls behind the desk knew, and that it was a joke regarding that- like I may get serenaded or something. The girls at the desk laughed and her look and tone changed but let me clue you- THAT is exactly why I will never go to her again....
I then went and got my co-worker his tea but my day was off to a rocky beginning. My supervisor and I banged out 40 cases and by 3:30 pm we had actually slowed to a crawl. I'm so proud of us. So was she.
At around 10am I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. The teller is new. This is the second time in as many bi-weekly paychecks that the same girl has given me a hundred bucks extra by mistake. I gave it back both times. My co-worker, who was with me both times was flabbergasted! Me too...
I go back to work and the eyeroller, one of the other clerks and the two receptionists were there. I joke: "I'm really securing my place in heaven this week..." I actually waited 4 the eye roller to jump the gun, but she didn't. Instead, she waited for the story. I told them about the 2nd hundred dollar mistake- my co-worker that was there told about the no gift for Christmas clubs this year rule and then I went to the back and worked.
The night ended on a lonely note, no call from my husband...
There was a text from my sister-in-law about watching her daughter for the day, but I cannot. I'm heading to the wake and do not want to subject a ten year old to that- plus I'm a total mess...I gracefully declined. Then I decided to sit around and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee in my pajamas... nope...
tile guy calls- hubby made an appointment with him to come today and finish the bathroom. He was at the door at 8am. I let him in, ran and changed my clothes- missed the wake as it takes 2 hours to get there and they didn't leave until the afternoon. Sigh...I'm being tested...no way I'm not....Anyway- so now its the afternoon. I called my BFF because according to preplanning, we are going out to PF Changs at 3:30 pm for a late lunch. That's what the plans were anyway. She texted me at 3-still at mall shopping for a dress, text me at 6-same, then again at 7. She got her hair done and now her daughter was just getting into the chair. Sigh...not happening.... no call from my husband either. I cannot believe that he didn't even try to call me.
On a better note though- the bathroom is finally looking like a bathroom... I will try to Blog again tomorrow- but honestly, my "diet" isn't... sorry. I'm going to try and pull it together. I promise....
Thursday, November 17, 2011
11-18-11 Diet Blog
The continuing saga of "how the toast burns" moves into hyper drive at 4am when I had to drive my husband and his dive partner to the airport for their annual vigil to Florida. I got them there and then pulled away and found my way out of the maze onto the highway. All of the sudden a phone rings from under the seat. I cannot answer it. It is my husbands phone. I think to myself, he's smart enough to call me on mine, which I can reach. I cannot pull over-there is no shoulder. Nope. the phone just continues to ring and ring for the entire 30 minute trip home. At 4am- I sincerely wanted to string him up.
Then I get so I can reach the stupid thing but I can't figure out how to answer it. It continues to ring and finally I got the number of his dive buddy. The dope would not answer his phone but kept calling my husbands. I tried twice leaving two messages and then I texted. After three more tries my phone rings and low and behold it was my husband. I offered to bring it but he said no. He would just do without it which means he won't be calling me. Whatever...
I got home and cried. My heart is sick over the death of such a young person without so much as a cause. I went to work exhausted. We worked Hard BUT but we got everything caught up by the end of the day.
About 5 minutes before lunch the eye roller came into my cubicle with the weirdest look I've ever seen on her. She pulls up a chair real close and says gently that she really needs to talk to me. I took my glasses off and gave her my full attention. She wanted to know why I didn't come to her when that guy started asking me for money. She was clearly upset- but not boss upset...person upset... anyway she adds that shes not a monster and I should feel comfortable coming to her with anything. I apologised. It's just not my nature. Guilt plagues me about that type of thing. I think its a left over from childhood. "Keep your mouth shut" was the abusers creed... I learned... Anyway, I sat for awhile and thought about things-trying to sort out all of the negativity. It was beating me down. I talked to God and said that I'm not able to handle the emotions. Too many too fast. I asked him to have my daughter meet my cousin's child and See her through the gates of heaven. All of the sudden it was okay. I was so alone, and then I wasn't. I gave God my cares because he cares about me. Though it all still is there, I feel able to handle it better. Thank you God.
My Hawaiian BFF phoned too, as I drove home from work- to talk things over. Much to my great shock he did apologise. He explained that he had been in a very bad place and felt bombarded and overwhelmed with negative aspects of life. He said he had no right to take it out on me...I literally had to reconnect my jaw. That is NOT someone who EVER apologises... Weird...I turned it over to God because I couldn't handle the emotions and he really is taking care of me... needless to say I accepted the apology- how could I not? I clearly recognise how that could've been true because of my own circumstances lately.- and we talked for about an hour. Then he texted me a beautiful picture of Waikiki beach. (Which made me jealous...but in a nice way...)
When I got home my husband called on his buddies phone. We only talked for a second but we talked...he tried, you know? Then ALL of my FB friends wrote HUGS and the like on my comment. It was amazing how many cared that I was so upset. I'm feeling better, stronger. Thank you again God...
Then I get so I can reach the stupid thing but I can't figure out how to answer it. It continues to ring and finally I got the number of his dive buddy. The dope would not answer his phone but kept calling my husbands. I tried twice leaving two messages and then I texted. After three more tries my phone rings and low and behold it was my husband. I offered to bring it but he said no. He would just do without it which means he won't be calling me. Whatever...
I got home and cried. My heart is sick over the death of such a young person without so much as a cause. I went to work exhausted. We worked Hard BUT but we got everything caught up by the end of the day.
About 5 minutes before lunch the eye roller came into my cubicle with the weirdest look I've ever seen on her. She pulls up a chair real close and says gently that she really needs to talk to me. I took my glasses off and gave her my full attention. She wanted to know why I didn't come to her when that guy started asking me for money. She was clearly upset- but not boss upset...person upset... anyway she adds that shes not a monster and I should feel comfortable coming to her with anything. I apologised. It's just not my nature. Guilt plagues me about that type of thing. I think its a left over from childhood. "Keep your mouth shut" was the abusers creed... I learned... Anyway, I sat for awhile and thought about things-trying to sort out all of the negativity. It was beating me down. I talked to God and said that I'm not able to handle the emotions. Too many too fast. I asked him to have my daughter meet my cousin's child and See her through the gates of heaven. All of the sudden it was okay. I was so alone, and then I wasn't. I gave God my cares because he cares about me. Though it all still is there, I feel able to handle it better. Thank you God.
My Hawaiian BFF phoned too, as I drove home from work- to talk things over. Much to my great shock he did apologise. He explained that he had been in a very bad place and felt bombarded and overwhelmed with negative aspects of life. He said he had no right to take it out on me...I literally had to reconnect my jaw. That is NOT someone who EVER apologises... Weird...I turned it over to God because I couldn't handle the emotions and he really is taking care of me... needless to say I accepted the apology- how could I not? I clearly recognise how that could've been true because of my own circumstances lately.- and we talked for about an hour. Then he texted me a beautiful picture of Waikiki beach. (Which made me jealous...but in a nice way...)
When I got home my husband called on his buddies phone. We only talked for a second but we talked...he tried, you know? Then ALL of my FB friends wrote HUGS and the like on my comment. It was amazing how many cared that I was so upset. I'm feeling better, stronger. Thank you again God...
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
11-17-11 Diet Blog
...or should I call it "non-diet blog...the week from hell continues, climaxing on my drive home from work yesterday. As I arrived at work I promised myself in the car that I'd try to find the positive in the day. That lasted three seconds after I got into the building.
The clerk that had shared her sandwich was sitting hunched over her desk. No one else was in yet. I put my things down and went over to her. Her face was swollen, her eyes were red and blood shot and tears were forming in them. She was taking the jerky guy's termination very hard. I listened. I reassured her that no one else saw it that way. I then offered to handcuff her and drag her off to jail for the vicious crime of sharing her lunch. I got her to laugh a bit and I think she felt a little better.
Moments later we were called together as a group because we'd been exposed to Mercury Chrystals. They sent the third girl in my dept home before she even put down her purse because she was pregnant. The health department representative talked to us and answered questions. The hazmat team came in and used a special vacuum and special cleaner called HGX. They tore up the carpet and we were restrained from that area. They assured us that we were probably fine. They are now testing the air quality. Why were WE not sent home as well. Everyone was stressed.
My supervisor and I dug in and got 40 cases done anyway. I then confided in her about the eye roller, the record room and my feelings about being admonished without a good reason. She agreed that there was no fault on me. She also said that the eye roller hadn't said a word to her so she thought that nothing would come of it. Then she told me that she thinks that we are a great team. Dependability and reliability are wonderful assets in a co-worker. I felt a bit better and left for the day.
On my way home in the car my cell phone rang. I pulled over and picked it up. It was my sister. My cousin's 29 year old daughter died in her sleep last night. My cousin-the mother found her. My sister- the nurse on the scene as they brought her into the hospital didn't realize who it was until after she had flat lined and my sister was putting the information into the computer.
I was okay. I really only knew the 29 year old a little but my mind turned inside out and I remembered finding my daughter like that. It replayed in my mind. It was crazy. I couldn't make it stop. The self loathing- the self blame- questioning every decision you've ever made that could change it- questioning, accusing eyes of people that should've known better... ARGH!!!!Meanwhile I'm trying to cook my husband a nice dinner because he leaves at 4am to go diving in Key Largo Fla. I sobbed throughout the entire process. I felt out of control.
Then I got the text from my Hawaii BFF- you remember him? I helped him move back to Florida-helped him financially...helped-helped-helped and got nothing but Agata for my kindness...anyway, he's moving back to Hawaii. He leaves today. I wished him God Speed and a safe trip, but really, an apology is in order... not that it'll ever happen.
I've learned that giving anonymously is definitely the way I prefer. I've learned that people just take advantage. I feel like nice guys finish last right now and I still have unresolved issues about my daughter's death. If it's all the same Dear Sweet Lord- that's about all of the lessons I can handle right now...thanks-amen...
My diet is trashed. I haven't been able to pull it together. I'm twisted and upset. My emotions are raw... HELP! Any ideas? I SOOOO need a friend...or at least a hug...
The clerk that had shared her sandwich was sitting hunched over her desk. No one else was in yet. I put my things down and went over to her. Her face was swollen, her eyes were red and blood shot and tears were forming in them. She was taking the jerky guy's termination very hard. I listened. I reassured her that no one else saw it that way. I then offered to handcuff her and drag her off to jail for the vicious crime of sharing her lunch. I got her to laugh a bit and I think she felt a little better.
Moments later we were called together as a group because we'd been exposed to Mercury Chrystals. They sent the third girl in my dept home before she even put down her purse because she was pregnant. The health department representative talked to us and answered questions. The hazmat team came in and used a special vacuum and special cleaner called HGX. They tore up the carpet and we were restrained from that area. They assured us that we were probably fine. They are now testing the air quality. Why were WE not sent home as well. Everyone was stressed.
My supervisor and I dug in and got 40 cases done anyway. I then confided in her about the eye roller, the record room and my feelings about being admonished without a good reason. She agreed that there was no fault on me. She also said that the eye roller hadn't said a word to her so she thought that nothing would come of it. Then she told me that she thinks that we are a great team. Dependability and reliability are wonderful assets in a co-worker. I felt a bit better and left for the day.
On my way home in the car my cell phone rang. I pulled over and picked it up. It was my sister. My cousin's 29 year old daughter died in her sleep last night. My cousin-the mother found her. My sister- the nurse on the scene as they brought her into the hospital didn't realize who it was until after she had flat lined and my sister was putting the information into the computer.
I was okay. I really only knew the 29 year old a little but my mind turned inside out and I remembered finding my daughter like that. It replayed in my mind. It was crazy. I couldn't make it stop. The self loathing- the self blame- questioning every decision you've ever made that could change it- questioning, accusing eyes of people that should've known better... ARGH!!!!Meanwhile I'm trying to cook my husband a nice dinner because he leaves at 4am to go diving in Key Largo Fla. I sobbed throughout the entire process. I felt out of control.
Then I got the text from my Hawaii BFF- you remember him? I helped him move back to Florida-helped him financially...helped-helped-helped and got nothing but Agata for my kindness...anyway, he's moving back to Hawaii. He leaves today. I wished him God Speed and a safe trip, but really, an apology is in order... not that it'll ever happen.
I've learned that giving anonymously is definitely the way I prefer. I've learned that people just take advantage. I feel like nice guys finish last right now and I still have unresolved issues about my daughter's death. If it's all the same Dear Sweet Lord- that's about all of the lessons I can handle right now...thanks-amen...
My diet is trashed. I haven't been able to pull it together. I'm twisted and upset. My emotions are raw... HELP! Any ideas? I SOOOO need a friend...or at least a hug...
11-16-11 Diet Blog
Over the weekend I went to beautiful Historic Bethlehem Pa. My husbands students were being open water certified for Scuba in Dutch Springs. I signed books and took some fun pictures with them. Then we toured Bethlehem Pa and in the evening hit the penny slots at the Sands Casino. A wonderful weekend. Dieted no problem. I was really ok. I felt relaxed and happy...finally- until Monday morning.
First, I locked myself out of the house. This is not usually a problem but the key was not where we have left it for the past 30 years. I finally found it after a quick prayer and all was well...BUT this was just the beginning... the plot thickened upon arriving at work.
The supervisor in my dept had a scheduled day off which was fine but the other co-worker in our dept. called in sick. Their work funnels down to me and I do the back end of it. When they are both out- I cannot work because I am not trained in their jobs. Needless to say- the work was coming in droves, and there was already a pile. Because I couldn't do their job, the probate supervisor first put me in the correspondence dept. I wasn't needed there so she put me in the record room. The place where everyone goes when they are in trouble and getting punished. The probate supervisor kept rolling her eyes at me, treating me like an idiot- which I don't get...since when is not being trained to do someone Else's job MY fault? Anyway- the record room supervisor was nice to me, but I physically can't do that job. I did it but I've been lame for 3 days. My knees and back are wrecked. I also wrecked my diet....
Then- school. I had to recite the Constance monologue from King John by Shakespeare. I did it...badly. I left there to go grocery shopping with my lame back and knees and the pain was excruciating. I was never so glad to get home in my whole life.
Tuesday, I went to work hoping at least one of the other two girls would be in. Thankfully, the Supervisor was. I asked her about training me. She really feels that she wants to wait on that. Did she tell the eye roller though? I doubt it.
We churned out 40 or 50 cases and got a real dent put into the work. Two more days of that and we'll pull it off. I took no breaks but I did take lunch. That same morning- first thing- the new guy came into my cubical. He is huge, was homeless before my boss helped him out by giving him this job and always hungry. Anyway- he's been asking to borrow money every week since he started. In all honesty, I gave it when I had it- you know- you help out your fellow man, but I just didn't have it. He wouldn't take no for an answer. The conversation got very uncomfortable. Finally one of the probate clerks- KNOWN for her stern attitude to put it mildly, caught what was happening and came over and threw him out of my cubicle. She was my hero and I thanked her profusely.
Later, one of the other girls- a clerk- knowing how hungry he usually is and whom he has also hit up for money left half of her sandwich from lunch on his desk so he could eat. Not a chewed half or something like that- but a nice sliced half that she hadn't touched-still wrapped. He actually got nasty about it. He yelled at her for treating him like a homeless person and not needing her stupid half a sandwich... mind you, he then ate the damn thing...the supervisor of the probate clerks- the eye rolling one- got wind of it and took the nice clerk into the boss. It was so wrong. During her chastisement she let the boss in on the fact that hes been asking her and everyone else for money every week whether pay week or not. The boss was upset.
We ALL got called into the office one at a time. He knew my incident before I even got there. He also knew about my being accosted by the guy when he saw me get $20 out of the ATM for gas on a non-pay week too. I told the truth. So did everyone. The guy was terminated by the end of the day. Guilt plagued me.
How come I'm as honest, decent and kind as I can be, good worker who keeps her head down and her mouth closed...really a hard and good worker whose supervisor couldn't be happier...and this is happening? The guilt ate me alive...and I ate until I felt dead inside... my self esteem couldn't be lower. I'm frightened, stressed and already on the verge of tears and its only 7am.
Say a prayer for me...xo
First, I locked myself out of the house. This is not usually a problem but the key was not where we have left it for the past 30 years. I finally found it after a quick prayer and all was well...BUT this was just the beginning... the plot thickened upon arriving at work.
The supervisor in my dept had a scheduled day off which was fine but the other co-worker in our dept. called in sick. Their work funnels down to me and I do the back end of it. When they are both out- I cannot work because I am not trained in their jobs. Needless to say- the work was coming in droves, and there was already a pile. Because I couldn't do their job, the probate supervisor first put me in the correspondence dept. I wasn't needed there so she put me in the record room. The place where everyone goes when they are in trouble and getting punished. The probate supervisor kept rolling her eyes at me, treating me like an idiot- which I don't get...since when is not being trained to do someone Else's job MY fault? Anyway- the record room supervisor was nice to me, but I physically can't do that job. I did it but I've been lame for 3 days. My knees and back are wrecked. I also wrecked my diet....
Then- school. I had to recite the Constance monologue from King John by Shakespeare. I did it...badly. I left there to go grocery shopping with my lame back and knees and the pain was excruciating. I was never so glad to get home in my whole life.
Tuesday, I went to work hoping at least one of the other two girls would be in. Thankfully, the Supervisor was. I asked her about training me. She really feels that she wants to wait on that. Did she tell the eye roller though? I doubt it.
We churned out 40 or 50 cases and got a real dent put into the work. Two more days of that and we'll pull it off. I took no breaks but I did take lunch. That same morning- first thing- the new guy came into my cubical. He is huge, was homeless before my boss helped him out by giving him this job and always hungry. Anyway- he's been asking to borrow money every week since he started. In all honesty, I gave it when I had it- you know- you help out your fellow man, but I just didn't have it. He wouldn't take no for an answer. The conversation got very uncomfortable. Finally one of the probate clerks- KNOWN for her stern attitude to put it mildly, caught what was happening and came over and threw him out of my cubicle. She was my hero and I thanked her profusely.
Later, one of the other girls- a clerk- knowing how hungry he usually is and whom he has also hit up for money left half of her sandwich from lunch on his desk so he could eat. Not a chewed half or something like that- but a nice sliced half that she hadn't touched-still wrapped. He actually got nasty about it. He yelled at her for treating him like a homeless person and not needing her stupid half a sandwich... mind you, he then ate the damn thing...the supervisor of the probate clerks- the eye rolling one- got wind of it and took the nice clerk into the boss. It was so wrong. During her chastisement she let the boss in on the fact that hes been asking her and everyone else for money every week whether pay week or not. The boss was upset.
We ALL got called into the office one at a time. He knew my incident before I even got there. He also knew about my being accosted by the guy when he saw me get $20 out of the ATM for gas on a non-pay week too. I told the truth. So did everyone. The guy was terminated by the end of the day. Guilt plagued me.
How come I'm as honest, decent and kind as I can be, good worker who keeps her head down and her mouth closed...really a hard and good worker whose supervisor couldn't be happier...and this is happening? The guilt ate me alive...and I ate until I felt dead inside... my self esteem couldn't be lower. I'm frightened, stressed and already on the verge of tears and its only 7am.
Say a prayer for me...xo
Friday, November 11, 2011
11:11:11 Diet Blog
Hi all. this is my 10th day holding steadfast to my diet. It's been SO hard. They've had parties at work all weeks- cakes, chips, bagels rolls...everything I know I cannot touch. Sometimes it feels like I'm just destined to be fat. I try so hard but never really succeed. I've gotten close but could never hold it. I get so discouraged sometimes...
I met up with my BFF from the vault the other day. It was good to see her. She is feeling much better since an accident that left her wrist and lower arm incapacitated for quite some time. I was glad to hear that she's coming along nicely with physical therapy and all. During our conversation, she expressed having an exceptionally hard time getting back in the swing of her diet as well. Like me- she uses food to comfort herself from the great stresses life has been throwing at her. I found myself at a loss for profound words, quotes or sound advice because I too am facing that same issue. I'm doing it- but it's totally forced; not coming easily. I want it- but I don't want the work it entails type of thing. We parted ways with a smile and I went into the lunch room.
Inside the lunchroom was an obese co-worker with her plate mountained high with food from the latest office party. Buttered rolls- one sour doe the size of a slice of wonder bread stacked 4 slices high, and a regular one, two kinds of chips and dip, crumb cake, pecan pastry and whatever else she had on there. I smiled, said hello and took out my yogurt, fruit and diet coke. She points to my lunch and laughs. Then she says that she can't stick to a diet, not that she even bothers to try anymore because life is to short. She then says that I should just be who I am because after all I'm already married so who am I trying to impress anyway. I said nothing and stuffed nearly the entire apple into my mouth... it took great strength not to let her have it.
But that conversation- which followed me all day causing steam to emit from my ears- got me to thinking. Why do I need to lose weight? Why am I doing it? Questions to her answers so to speak.
First off- I need to lose weight because its just not healthy to eat that way. That's the right answer. The truthful answer though? I just want to look pretty. For me. Not for some man- I AM married, but just so I feel good about the person looking back at me in the mirror. It's hard. Yes it is. But here's one for you- I work hard at everything I do that means something to me. If I fail at those things I try again or find a different angle. Why on earth should working on "me" be any different than the 20 years it took me to get my book out to the public? It shouldn't. This is crazy- but I found great strength in that and today, the diet was a snap. I'm worth the trouble. Connie is worth the trouble. If Connie doesn't think so- who will? I forgot that for awhile. You are worth it too, aren't you? My profound advice is that. Know that. Feel that. Then, do what you've got to do to prove it.
The advice I should have given to my co-worker instead of biting my tongue was that while it may be impossible to change everything all at once, maybe she could change one thing at a time. Like start with adding 8 glasses of water to your diet every day for a week. Drink one before each meal then eat what you want. It may at least curb the portion a bit while putting an essential hydration into your system. The next week, add two fruits. Then eat what you want. and so on. By the time you add all of the good stuff, not only will you be too full to eat the crap but you will have changed your diet slowly and possibly shed some of that extra weight in the process. I wish I would've said that, but like my BFF from the vault- my head has been in a bad place.... this seems to have turned the "switch" back on though.
So- continuing on and I will certainly keep you posted! Looks like were turning the negatives into positives again at long last! Enjoy your day. Thank you to all of our Veteran's and to the service-people currently serving our country to keep it the home of the free...xo
I met up with my BFF from the vault the other day. It was good to see her. She is feeling much better since an accident that left her wrist and lower arm incapacitated for quite some time. I was glad to hear that she's coming along nicely with physical therapy and all. During our conversation, she expressed having an exceptionally hard time getting back in the swing of her diet as well. Like me- she uses food to comfort herself from the great stresses life has been throwing at her. I found myself at a loss for profound words, quotes or sound advice because I too am facing that same issue. I'm doing it- but it's totally forced; not coming easily. I want it- but I don't want the work it entails type of thing. We parted ways with a smile and I went into the lunch room.
Inside the lunchroom was an obese co-worker with her plate mountained high with food from the latest office party. Buttered rolls- one sour doe the size of a slice of wonder bread stacked 4 slices high, and a regular one, two kinds of chips and dip, crumb cake, pecan pastry and whatever else she had on there. I smiled, said hello and took out my yogurt, fruit and diet coke. She points to my lunch and laughs. Then she says that she can't stick to a diet, not that she even bothers to try anymore because life is to short. She then says that I should just be who I am because after all I'm already married so who am I trying to impress anyway. I said nothing and stuffed nearly the entire apple into my mouth... it took great strength not to let her have it.
But that conversation- which followed me all day causing steam to emit from my ears- got me to thinking. Why do I need to lose weight? Why am I doing it? Questions to her answers so to speak.
First off- I need to lose weight because its just not healthy to eat that way. That's the right answer. The truthful answer though? I just want to look pretty. For me. Not for some man- I AM married, but just so I feel good about the person looking back at me in the mirror. It's hard. Yes it is. But here's one for you- I work hard at everything I do that means something to me. If I fail at those things I try again or find a different angle. Why on earth should working on "me" be any different than the 20 years it took me to get my book out to the public? It shouldn't. This is crazy- but I found great strength in that and today, the diet was a snap. I'm worth the trouble. Connie is worth the trouble. If Connie doesn't think so- who will? I forgot that for awhile. You are worth it too, aren't you? My profound advice is that. Know that. Feel that. Then, do what you've got to do to prove it.
The advice I should have given to my co-worker instead of biting my tongue was that while it may be impossible to change everything all at once, maybe she could change one thing at a time. Like start with adding 8 glasses of water to your diet every day for a week. Drink one before each meal then eat what you want. It may at least curb the portion a bit while putting an essential hydration into your system. The next week, add two fruits. Then eat what you want. and so on. By the time you add all of the good stuff, not only will you be too full to eat the crap but you will have changed your diet slowly and possibly shed some of that extra weight in the process. I wish I would've said that, but like my BFF from the vault- my head has been in a bad place.... this seems to have turned the "switch" back on though.
So- continuing on and I will certainly keep you posted! Looks like were turning the negatives into positives again at long last! Enjoy your day. Thank you to all of our Veteran's and to the service-people currently serving our country to keep it the home of the free...xo
Saturday, November 5, 2011
November 5th 2011 Diet Blog
I wrote yesterday but the entry disappeared into the ethers of the cyber universe. That happened once before a long time ago. I can't remember where I found it but it'll turn up.n the meantime the re-cap is that it was my 27 anniversary. My husband gave me a beautiful crucifix...I filled his tanks in return. (LOL get your mind out of the gutter! He's a diver remember?) I worked half a day then took my husband for his colonoscopy. The night was quiet. He rested, I played face book, blogged and watched tv.
Today was long, lonely and I'm in a weird place mind wise. My head is swimming and my body is sluggish and mired down. My husband is feeling better. He was able to eat normally. I stuck to my diet, not that it was easy. He wanted to go out to a comedy club. Dinner and drinks...I just am not up to it. How weird right> He then suggested a movie instead. I agreed to that but we didn't go. It's been the oddest day.
Tomorrow my BFF is having a cocktail party at her house. She told me not to bring anything. Of course I will bring wine or something. I don't want to drink anything but water or diet soda though. Dieting is so hard. The damn onslaught of food NEVER seems to stop. Then I hear "Oh one bite won't hurt you..." and crap like that. Sigh...
I need to pull myself together and I will. I'm just out of it today without a real explanation as to why that is.
Tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure. In the meantime enjoy your morning, afternoon or evening. See you next blog.
Today was long, lonely and I'm in a weird place mind wise. My head is swimming and my body is sluggish and mired down. My husband is feeling better. He was able to eat normally. I stuck to my diet, not that it was easy. He wanted to go out to a comedy club. Dinner and drinks...I just am not up to it. How weird right> He then suggested a movie instead. I agreed to that but we didn't go. It's been the oddest day.
Tomorrow my BFF is having a cocktail party at her house. She told me not to bring anything. Of course I will bring wine or something. I don't want to drink anything but water or diet soda though. Dieting is so hard. The damn onslaught of food NEVER seems to stop. Then I hear "Oh one bite won't hurt you..." and crap like that. Sigh...
I need to pull myself together and I will. I'm just out of it today without a real explanation as to why that is.
Tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure. In the meantime enjoy your morning, afternoon or evening. See you next blog.
Friday, November 4, 2011
November 4th 2011 Diet Blog
Day 3- complete. I'm doing okay. Rolling with the "punches" or work parties chock full of goodies in my case. Yesterday, our staff was put down by a person that hopes to be at the helm publicly. It upset everyone. He called us rude, unhelpful, untrained and not knowledgable regarding the current laws. People have complaints about someone sometimes and that's fine, but this jerk slammed the entire staff using a public forum and blanket statement to do it. There's seriously something wrong with a guy in that position-in the public eye lying like that. It's called political mud-slinging I'm told...I think his mother should wash his lying nasty mouth out with soap.
Of course there was an exorbitant amount of goodies too- I touched none so I'm kinda proud of me for that.
Today was my 27 anniversary. I've been with my husband for three decades. He still has the ability to shock me apparently. He gave me a beautiful new crucifix. I had broken mine on the last Royal Caribbean Book Tour. It's beautiful. I'm so impressed that he remembered. I (in return) filled his tanks with air...get your mind out of the gutter LOL! He's a diver! ;-)
I left work at noon to bring him to the Doctor for his colonoscopy. At 50 we have to get those. They found a polyp but think it's nothing, though they must run tests to see if there is cancer anyway. He's resting right now and that's a good thing. I guess this is how marriages that last this long celebrate LOL! We had a good laugh joking about that.
So, going into day 4 with renewed hope for all the areas in my life that felt as if they were faltering for awhile now. It feels good to be regaining control of my emotions. I think the agent/fear of the unknown was the straw that broke the camel's back- so to speak. I'll keep you posted!
Of course there was an exorbitant amount of goodies too- I touched none so I'm kinda proud of me for that.
Today was my 27 anniversary. I've been with my husband for three decades. He still has the ability to shock me apparently. He gave me a beautiful new crucifix. I had broken mine on the last Royal Caribbean Book Tour. It's beautiful. I'm so impressed that he remembered. I (in return) filled his tanks with air...get your mind out of the gutter LOL! He's a diver! ;-)
I left work at noon to bring him to the Doctor for his colonoscopy. At 50 we have to get those. They found a polyp but think it's nothing, though they must run tests to see if there is cancer anyway. He's resting right now and that's a good thing. I guess this is how marriages that last this long celebrate LOL! We had a good laugh joking about that.
So, going into day 4 with renewed hope for all the areas in my life that felt as if they were faltering for awhile now. It feels good to be regaining control of my emotions. I think the agent/fear of the unknown was the straw that broke the camel's back- so to speak. I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
November 3rd 2011 Diet Blog
Gees...will it EVER say maintenance blog? (Sigh) Okay- so I left you off at the Royal Caribbean Cruise LAST Year! I kept the weight off for the most part, did book signings and tours and continued my education while working at the courthouse- so not much changed UNTIL the 2nd Royal Caribbean Book Tour! It was a sell out! I've never experienced fame like that before! I even had a stalker! A real one! An author-wanna be that completely lacks social skills of the normal kind. Mt husband met the stalkers cousin at a dive and he was very nice. When he found out who Dave was (to me) he stepped up and apologised for his cousin. Apparently the cousin has a rep...
Anyway- on that cruise I was selling books at my station and this man came over to talk. Three days later he came by asking if I was "represented." I said no, of course and explained that while I am a paid author- not self published- that I have never had an agent. It's all fallen upon me, and that I was doing pretty good at it in my opinion. He laughed and agreed and then gave me his card. He was/is an attorney-agent. I took the card, was very polite but really, I didn't get excited. I'm not sure if I didn't believe it, or didn't think he was real or what, but I stashed the info and continued.
Once home an earthquake hit New Jersey at the beginning of the week, and then hurricane Irene hit us-doing bad damage to my basement and I just forgot about him. Well folks- HE contacted me. He insisted that we should meet. I thought- well, ok but what if this guy is an ax murderer or something- why not? If nothing else, its a good plot... Anyway, I made my husband come with me. We met the agent-attorney at Harold's Deli- where the food is LARGE and costly. By the end of the evening both my husband and I felt that he was the real deal. HE believed in my work...it was very uplifting! I mean- in the quarter century I've been at this, agents have rejected me in STACKS! One approached me on the first Royal Caribbean tour, Followed me ALL over the ship, I sent her a free book and never heard from her again. She just wanted a free copy...another said she couldn't handle my work because (get this) I didn't have an international platform. Huh?! If I had an international platform, what the heck would I need HER for?! LOL! Anyway- agents have fit everything on the spectrum but the one for me...until now.
After several weeks of questions, negotiations, and my ESQ type friends at work helping me, I signed with him. I tell you this story because THAT is the exact spot where I lost the battle of Bulge. I don't know if it's fear, anxiety, stress, relinquishing control...ALL of the above plus other factors or what but I cannot get myself together. I blew up like a beach ball... I am huge again. And I began the decent yesterday. I'm doing it MY way. Weighing in once a month as before. No drugs and dealing with one day at a time. So- welcome back. Join me...again... I guess the "answer" is in the title; "Keep Fighting Fatty!"
Before I go I'm just going to document a dream that I had because it directly pertains to my weight issue and though I am not quite sure what it means, I feel there is a very profound message in it somewhere.
In the dream I am svelte, wearing a pretty flowered dress, high heels, hair done etc. I am setting up for a book talk. I am talking to the people helping me- 10 or 11, but not the audience. We are all working, putting up posters, arranging chairs, opening boxes of books, putting flowers out- you get the idea. One heavy set girl tells me that I look so good since the last event. I tell her this: The only thing this body has going for it is that its healthy and pretty. Other than that, I'm at a complete loss. I know how to handle the bigger body, I have no idea of how to handle this one. People approach me easier in that body, men don't think it's okay to be lude and crude to me. It's kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman after Stuckie hits on her and she finds out that Louis told him that she was a prostitute. She is angry and asks him why. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just let her wear her own clothes; she knew how to handle the situation in her own clothes.
In the dream I stopped and looked up because the room got very quiet and they were ALL listening to me. The girl I was answering said "You should write a book." I'm still confused by it. But who knows- maybe one fine day I'll be SO famous that this BLOG will be turned into a book because (well just everyone...flipping my hair back and sticking my nose up in the air) will want my diet advice LOL!
So- I'm off to begin day 2 of my diet. Good Luck to you if you've started too! Talk to you next blog!
Anyway- on that cruise I was selling books at my station and this man came over to talk. Three days later he came by asking if I was "represented." I said no, of course and explained that while I am a paid author- not self published- that I have never had an agent. It's all fallen upon me, and that I was doing pretty good at it in my opinion. He laughed and agreed and then gave me his card. He was/is an attorney-agent. I took the card, was very polite but really, I didn't get excited. I'm not sure if I didn't believe it, or didn't think he was real or what, but I stashed the info and continued.
Once home an earthquake hit New Jersey at the beginning of the week, and then hurricane Irene hit us-doing bad damage to my basement and I just forgot about him. Well folks- HE contacted me. He insisted that we should meet. I thought- well, ok but what if this guy is an ax murderer or something- why not? If nothing else, its a good plot... Anyway, I made my husband come with me. We met the agent-attorney at Harold's Deli- where the food is LARGE and costly. By the end of the evening both my husband and I felt that he was the real deal. HE believed in my work...it was very uplifting! I mean- in the quarter century I've been at this, agents have rejected me in STACKS! One approached me on the first Royal Caribbean tour, Followed me ALL over the ship, I sent her a free book and never heard from her again. She just wanted a free copy...another said she couldn't handle my work because (get this) I didn't have an international platform. Huh?! If I had an international platform, what the heck would I need HER for?! LOL! Anyway- agents have fit everything on the spectrum but the one for me...until now.
After several weeks of questions, negotiations, and my ESQ type friends at work helping me, I signed with him. I tell you this story because THAT is the exact spot where I lost the battle of Bulge. I don't know if it's fear, anxiety, stress, relinquishing control...ALL of the above plus other factors or what but I cannot get myself together. I blew up like a beach ball... I am huge again. And I began the decent yesterday. I'm doing it MY way. Weighing in once a month as before. No drugs and dealing with one day at a time. So- welcome back. Join me...again... I guess the "answer" is in the title; "Keep Fighting Fatty!"
Before I go I'm just going to document a dream that I had because it directly pertains to my weight issue and though I am not quite sure what it means, I feel there is a very profound message in it somewhere.
In the dream I am svelte, wearing a pretty flowered dress, high heels, hair done etc. I am setting up for a book talk. I am talking to the people helping me- 10 or 11, but not the audience. We are all working, putting up posters, arranging chairs, opening boxes of books, putting flowers out- you get the idea. One heavy set girl tells me that I look so good since the last event. I tell her this: The only thing this body has going for it is that its healthy and pretty. Other than that, I'm at a complete loss. I know how to handle the bigger body, I have no idea of how to handle this one. People approach me easier in that body, men don't think it's okay to be lude and crude to me. It's kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman after Stuckie hits on her and she finds out that Louis told him that she was a prostitute. She is angry and asks him why. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just let her wear her own clothes; she knew how to handle the situation in her own clothes.
In the dream I stopped and looked up because the room got very quiet and they were ALL listening to me. The girl I was answering said "You should write a book." I'm still confused by it. But who knows- maybe one fine day I'll be SO famous that this BLOG will be turned into a book because (well just everyone...flipping my hair back and sticking my nose up in the air) will want my diet advice LOL!
So- I'm off to begin day 2 of my diet. Good Luck to you if you've started too! Talk to you next blog!
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