OK, Day 2... I think we can muddle through...
Today went well considering...in the spirit of the fact that I began a diet in December- the FIRST of many holiday festivities was today at work. Yup, you guessed it! A party. Breads and cakes and pastries followed by chips and dips and chocolates.... I didn't touch a morsel. I ate my apple, drank my tea and hung in there.
I came in to the neighbor being led through the house by my husband so that she could see both of the bathrooms. It was weird to come home and hear another woman's laughter coming from upstairs accompanied by my husband's. They came right down after I called out that I was home. She stayed to chit chat for a minute while he went outside and then headed back to her home. I haven't seen her in awhile. I've never seen her inside my house and I've never been in hers. We usually talk out doors. Her daughter, who lives in Columbia and teached ESL which is English as a second language is coming home for Christmas. She's excited but also trying to get the "mom" things taken care of- like her banking and her needed medications and required doctor visits...so she's busy, but happily so. I'm glad for her.
So, Day 2 down- going into day 3 vwith surprising enthusiasm and relief...yes..relief...weird right?! See you next blog!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
December 1, 2011 Diet Blog
Well, the truth is I went into self destruct mode. I just literally gave up. The harder I tried, the worse things got. I wondered if it would ever end. I stopped writing in the blog because it was beyond depressing...and distressing...I'm so glad to see November go. I'm not even going to go into the Holiday, except to say that my drunk sister-in-law who has lost all of her weight, felt that it was necessary to point out my weight, what I was eating, etc while she sucked down a slab of fat from a prime rib. She was disgusting, loud, obnoxious and unkind. I haven't seen or spoken to her since- not that she knows...I just took hit after hit from my husbands family ... it was awful.
Today, I'm changing up the chess pieces. I'm feeling better mentally and I really want to feel better physically too. Emotionally, I feel like I've gained some control. I was spiraling downward at a pace that was unfathomable. I'm doing the weight watchers points diet. Its a way of life really, and I can have literally anything I want. I just have to count it. That way worked really well for me in the past. I feel motivated and ready to give it a shot. December may not be the best month to do it- but you can do the point thing through the holidays, I've done it before.
Hopefully the "Diet Clog" is gone at long last and I can find some positive again. If you are in a downward spiral don't, crash. I know its hard to just let go, but once you crash, you can repair or step away from the rubble and start anew. I've started anew. There was no repairing that rubble after the crash. See you next blog. ;-)
Today, I'm changing up the chess pieces. I'm feeling better mentally and I really want to feel better physically too. Emotionally, I feel like I've gained some control. I was spiraling downward at a pace that was unfathomable. I'm doing the weight watchers points diet. Its a way of life really, and I can have literally anything I want. I just have to count it. That way worked really well for me in the past. I feel motivated and ready to give it a shot. December may not be the best month to do it- but you can do the point thing through the holidays, I've done it before.
Hopefully the "Diet Clog" is gone at long last and I can find some positive again. If you are in a downward spiral don't, crash. I know its hard to just let go, but once you crash, you can repair or step away from the rubble and start anew. I've started anew. There was no repairing that rubble after the crash. See you next blog. ;-)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
11-20-11 Diet Clog...
Sigh...I actually feel like that...clogged... I made plans yesterday to take the kids to a movie or something, but I never heard from my sister-in-law so it didn't happen.t was okay though. I needed the break. I basically sat around-no call from my BFF-no call from my husband and no call from anyone else. Loneliness...I can't tell you.
I decided to do some charity work today for the troops defending our country and two churches. It felt good to do that and the loneliness subsided a bit. like helping others.
When my husband arrived at Newark airport, he borrowed his friends phone to call me and get a ride home...funny huh? I picked them up then he backseat drove and I got frustrated and lost my temper. He seemed shocked. Then I calmly kept the conversation going on a lighter note because his friend was in the car with us. did mention in a joking manner- but its not a joke that I did not like not hearing from him for 2 solid days. Believe me if the situation was reversed it would not go over well.
He acknowledged me but nothing deeper than that. I cooked him ham steak and mashed potatoes for dinner and then we watched tv...I'm so lonely...I just don't get it? This was such a hard week.... I really need some "diet draino" lol... I'm going to figure out how to loosen the drain and get rid of the stale, stagnant water this week gathered...Have a good night all...
I decided to do some charity work today for the troops defending our country and two churches. It felt good to do that and the loneliness subsided a bit. like helping others.
When my husband arrived at Newark airport, he borrowed his friends phone to call me and get a ride home...funny huh? I picked them up then he backseat drove and I got frustrated and lost my temper. He seemed shocked. Then I calmly kept the conversation going on a lighter note because his friend was in the car with us. did mention in a joking manner- but its not a joke that I did not like not hearing from him for 2 solid days. Believe me if the situation was reversed it would not go over well.
He acknowledged me but nothing deeper than that. I cooked him ham steak and mashed potatoes for dinner and then we watched tv...I'm so lonely...I just don't get it? This was such a hard week.... I really need some "diet draino" lol... I'm going to figure out how to loosen the drain and get rid of the stale, stagnant water this week gathered...Have a good night all...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
11-19-11 Diet Blog
Non-diet blog...Diet Clog... either way, this has been the WEIRDEST week...I can't tell you how odd...I don't know if I'm being tested...punked or just on candid camera. I got into work yesterday and was literally accosted at the entrance by the mail guy who is apparently VERY excited about the upcoming union Christmas Party. It will not be in December. It will be January 6th instead. Now seriously- in the 8 years I've worked at the courthouse I've not been to one. I listened but it was so lengthy that I was going to be late-as opposed to my usual early. He literally would not excuse me and chased me down the hall, up the stairs and into the courtroom where he then at long last, let me go.
My co-worker- a young boy my sons age approached me as I got to my cubicle and he was so full of cold that he needed tea but couldn't go get himself some because of the time. I was already signed in so I offered to get it for him. (I should just keep my mouth shut and start riding around on a broom.) Anyway I go towards the door through the front desk exit and both girls are there along with the eye roller. One of the maintenance men- autistic- is "singing" in the hallway, listening to his own echo in the hallway. I had told the girls the story of the mail guy so I joked that maybe I'd better wait until the singer was done. The eye roller rolls her eyes and huffs. "He (using the guys name) would NEVER hurt you," she says with a hand moving to her hip. I nearly fell over. "I'm not a monster" went through my head at the accusatory look on her face and tone in her voice. I then re-told the mail guy story letting her in on the fact that the girls behind the desk knew, and that it was a joke regarding that- like I may get serenaded or something. The girls at the desk laughed and her look and tone changed but let me clue you- THAT is exactly why I will never go to her again....
I then went and got my co-worker his tea but my day was off to a rocky beginning. My supervisor and I banged out 40 cases and by 3:30 pm we had actually slowed to a crawl. I'm so proud of us. So was she.
At around 10am I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. The teller is new. This is the second time in as many bi-weekly paychecks that the same girl has given me a hundred bucks extra by mistake. I gave it back both times. My co-worker, who was with me both times was flabbergasted! Me too...
I go back to work and the eyeroller, one of the other clerks and the two receptionists were there. I joke: "I'm really securing my place in heaven this week..." I actually waited 4 the eye roller to jump the gun, but she didn't. Instead, she waited for the story. I told them about the 2nd hundred dollar mistake- my co-worker that was there told about the no gift for Christmas clubs this year rule and then I went to the back and worked.
The night ended on a lonely note, no call from my husband...
There was a text from my sister-in-law about watching her daughter for the day, but I cannot. I'm heading to the wake and do not want to subject a ten year old to that- plus I'm a total mess...I gracefully declined. Then I decided to sit around and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee in my pajamas... nope...
tile guy calls- hubby made an appointment with him to come today and finish the bathroom. He was at the door at 8am. I let him in, ran and changed my clothes- missed the wake as it takes 2 hours to get there and they didn't leave until the afternoon. Sigh...I'm being tested...no way I'm not....Anyway- so now its the afternoon. I called my BFF because according to preplanning, we are going out to PF Changs at 3:30 pm for a late lunch. That's what the plans were anyway. She texted me at 3-still at mall shopping for a dress, text me at 6-same, then again at 7. She got her hair done and now her daughter was just getting into the chair. Sigh...not happening.... no call from my husband either. I cannot believe that he didn't even try to call me.
On a better note though- the bathroom is finally looking like a bathroom... I will try to Blog again tomorrow- but honestly, my "diet" isn't... sorry. I'm going to try and pull it together. I promise....
My co-worker- a young boy my sons age approached me as I got to my cubicle and he was so full of cold that he needed tea but couldn't go get himself some because of the time. I was already signed in so I offered to get it for him. (I should just keep my mouth shut and start riding around on a broom.) Anyway I go towards the door through the front desk exit and both girls are there along with the eye roller. One of the maintenance men- autistic- is "singing" in the hallway, listening to his own echo in the hallway. I had told the girls the story of the mail guy so I joked that maybe I'd better wait until the singer was done. The eye roller rolls her eyes and huffs. "He (using the guys name) would NEVER hurt you," she says with a hand moving to her hip. I nearly fell over. "I'm not a monster" went through my head at the accusatory look on her face and tone in her voice. I then re-told the mail guy story letting her in on the fact that the girls behind the desk knew, and that it was a joke regarding that- like I may get serenaded or something. The girls at the desk laughed and her look and tone changed but let me clue you- THAT is exactly why I will never go to her again....
I then went and got my co-worker his tea but my day was off to a rocky beginning. My supervisor and I banged out 40 cases and by 3:30 pm we had actually slowed to a crawl. I'm so proud of us. So was she.
At around 10am I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. The teller is new. This is the second time in as many bi-weekly paychecks that the same girl has given me a hundred bucks extra by mistake. I gave it back both times. My co-worker, who was with me both times was flabbergasted! Me too...
I go back to work and the eyeroller, one of the other clerks and the two receptionists were there. I joke: "I'm really securing my place in heaven this week..." I actually waited 4 the eye roller to jump the gun, but she didn't. Instead, she waited for the story. I told them about the 2nd hundred dollar mistake- my co-worker that was there told about the no gift for Christmas clubs this year rule and then I went to the back and worked.
The night ended on a lonely note, no call from my husband...
There was a text from my sister-in-law about watching her daughter for the day, but I cannot. I'm heading to the wake and do not want to subject a ten year old to that- plus I'm a total mess...I gracefully declined. Then I decided to sit around and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee in my pajamas... nope...
tile guy calls- hubby made an appointment with him to come today and finish the bathroom. He was at the door at 8am. I let him in, ran and changed my clothes- missed the wake as it takes 2 hours to get there and they didn't leave until the afternoon. Sigh...I'm being tested...no way I'm not....Anyway- so now its the afternoon. I called my BFF because according to preplanning, we are going out to PF Changs at 3:30 pm for a late lunch. That's what the plans were anyway. She texted me at 3-still at mall shopping for a dress, text me at 6-same, then again at 7. She got her hair done and now her daughter was just getting into the chair. Sigh...not happening.... no call from my husband either. I cannot believe that he didn't even try to call me.
On a better note though- the bathroom is finally looking like a bathroom... I will try to Blog again tomorrow- but honestly, my "diet" isn't... sorry. I'm going to try and pull it together. I promise....
Thursday, November 17, 2011
11-18-11 Diet Blog
The continuing saga of "how the toast burns" moves into hyper drive at 4am when I had to drive my husband and his dive partner to the airport for their annual vigil to Florida. I got them there and then pulled away and found my way out of the maze onto the highway. All of the sudden a phone rings from under the seat. I cannot answer it. It is my husbands phone. I think to myself, he's smart enough to call me on mine, which I can reach. I cannot pull over-there is no shoulder. Nope. the phone just continues to ring and ring for the entire 30 minute trip home. At 4am- I sincerely wanted to string him up.
Then I get so I can reach the stupid thing but I can't figure out how to answer it. It continues to ring and finally I got the number of his dive buddy. The dope would not answer his phone but kept calling my husbands. I tried twice leaving two messages and then I texted. After three more tries my phone rings and low and behold it was my husband. I offered to bring it but he said no. He would just do without it which means he won't be calling me. Whatever...
I got home and cried. My heart is sick over the death of such a young person without so much as a cause. I went to work exhausted. We worked Hard BUT but we got everything caught up by the end of the day.
About 5 minutes before lunch the eye roller came into my cubicle with the weirdest look I've ever seen on her. She pulls up a chair real close and says gently that she really needs to talk to me. I took my glasses off and gave her my full attention. She wanted to know why I didn't come to her when that guy started asking me for money. She was clearly upset- but not boss upset...person upset... anyway she adds that shes not a monster and I should feel comfortable coming to her with anything. I apologised. It's just not my nature. Guilt plagues me about that type of thing. I think its a left over from childhood. "Keep your mouth shut" was the abusers creed... I learned... Anyway, I sat for awhile and thought about things-trying to sort out all of the negativity. It was beating me down. I talked to God and said that I'm not able to handle the emotions. Too many too fast. I asked him to have my daughter meet my cousin's child and See her through the gates of heaven. All of the sudden it was okay. I was so alone, and then I wasn't. I gave God my cares because he cares about me. Though it all still is there, I feel able to handle it better. Thank you God.
My Hawaiian BFF phoned too, as I drove home from work- to talk things over. Much to my great shock he did apologise. He explained that he had been in a very bad place and felt bombarded and overwhelmed with negative aspects of life. He said he had no right to take it out on me...I literally had to reconnect my jaw. That is NOT someone who EVER apologises... Weird...I turned it over to God because I couldn't handle the emotions and he really is taking care of me... needless to say I accepted the apology- how could I not? I clearly recognise how that could've been true because of my own circumstances lately.- and we talked for about an hour. Then he texted me a beautiful picture of Waikiki beach. (Which made me jealous...but in a nice way...)
When I got home my husband called on his buddies phone. We only talked for a second but we talked...he tried, you know? Then ALL of my FB friends wrote HUGS and the like on my comment. It was amazing how many cared that I was so upset. I'm feeling better, stronger. Thank you again God...
Then I get so I can reach the stupid thing but I can't figure out how to answer it. It continues to ring and finally I got the number of his dive buddy. The dope would not answer his phone but kept calling my husbands. I tried twice leaving two messages and then I texted. After three more tries my phone rings and low and behold it was my husband. I offered to bring it but he said no. He would just do without it which means he won't be calling me. Whatever...
I got home and cried. My heart is sick over the death of such a young person without so much as a cause. I went to work exhausted. We worked Hard BUT but we got everything caught up by the end of the day.
About 5 minutes before lunch the eye roller came into my cubicle with the weirdest look I've ever seen on her. She pulls up a chair real close and says gently that she really needs to talk to me. I took my glasses off and gave her my full attention. She wanted to know why I didn't come to her when that guy started asking me for money. She was clearly upset- but not boss upset...person upset... anyway she adds that shes not a monster and I should feel comfortable coming to her with anything. I apologised. It's just not my nature. Guilt plagues me about that type of thing. I think its a left over from childhood. "Keep your mouth shut" was the abusers creed... I learned... Anyway, I sat for awhile and thought about things-trying to sort out all of the negativity. It was beating me down. I talked to God and said that I'm not able to handle the emotions. Too many too fast. I asked him to have my daughter meet my cousin's child and See her through the gates of heaven. All of the sudden it was okay. I was so alone, and then I wasn't. I gave God my cares because he cares about me. Though it all still is there, I feel able to handle it better. Thank you God.
My Hawaiian BFF phoned too, as I drove home from work- to talk things over. Much to my great shock he did apologise. He explained that he had been in a very bad place and felt bombarded and overwhelmed with negative aspects of life. He said he had no right to take it out on me...I literally had to reconnect my jaw. That is NOT someone who EVER apologises... Weird...I turned it over to God because I couldn't handle the emotions and he really is taking care of me... needless to say I accepted the apology- how could I not? I clearly recognise how that could've been true because of my own circumstances lately.- and we talked for about an hour. Then he texted me a beautiful picture of Waikiki beach. (Which made me jealous...but in a nice way...)
When I got home my husband called on his buddies phone. We only talked for a second but we talked...he tried, you know? Then ALL of my FB friends wrote HUGS and the like on my comment. It was amazing how many cared that I was so upset. I'm feeling better, stronger. Thank you again God...
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
11-17-11 Diet Blog
...or should I call it "non-diet blog...the week from hell continues, climaxing on my drive home from work yesterday. As I arrived at work I promised myself in the car that I'd try to find the positive in the day. That lasted three seconds after I got into the building.
The clerk that had shared her sandwich was sitting hunched over her desk. No one else was in yet. I put my things down and went over to her. Her face was swollen, her eyes were red and blood shot and tears were forming in them. She was taking the jerky guy's termination very hard. I listened. I reassured her that no one else saw it that way. I then offered to handcuff her and drag her off to jail for the vicious crime of sharing her lunch. I got her to laugh a bit and I think she felt a little better.
Moments later we were called together as a group because we'd been exposed to Mercury Chrystals. They sent the third girl in my dept home before she even put down her purse because she was pregnant. The health department representative talked to us and answered questions. The hazmat team came in and used a special vacuum and special cleaner called HGX. They tore up the carpet and we were restrained from that area. They assured us that we were probably fine. They are now testing the air quality. Why were WE not sent home as well. Everyone was stressed.
My supervisor and I dug in and got 40 cases done anyway. I then confided in her about the eye roller, the record room and my feelings about being admonished without a good reason. She agreed that there was no fault on me. She also said that the eye roller hadn't said a word to her so she thought that nothing would come of it. Then she told me that she thinks that we are a great team. Dependability and reliability are wonderful assets in a co-worker. I felt a bit better and left for the day.
On my way home in the car my cell phone rang. I pulled over and picked it up. It was my sister. My cousin's 29 year old daughter died in her sleep last night. My cousin-the mother found her. My sister- the nurse on the scene as they brought her into the hospital didn't realize who it was until after she had flat lined and my sister was putting the information into the computer.
I was okay. I really only knew the 29 year old a little but my mind turned inside out and I remembered finding my daughter like that. It replayed in my mind. It was crazy. I couldn't make it stop. The self loathing- the self blame- questioning every decision you've ever made that could change it- questioning, accusing eyes of people that should've known better... ARGH!!!!Meanwhile I'm trying to cook my husband a nice dinner because he leaves at 4am to go diving in Key Largo Fla. I sobbed throughout the entire process. I felt out of control.
Then I got the text from my Hawaii BFF- you remember him? I helped him move back to Florida-helped him financially...helped-helped-helped and got nothing but Agata for my kindness...anyway, he's moving back to Hawaii. He leaves today. I wished him God Speed and a safe trip, but really, an apology is in order... not that it'll ever happen.
I've learned that giving anonymously is definitely the way I prefer. I've learned that people just take advantage. I feel like nice guys finish last right now and I still have unresolved issues about my daughter's death. If it's all the same Dear Sweet Lord- that's about all of the lessons I can handle right now...thanks-amen...
My diet is trashed. I haven't been able to pull it together. I'm twisted and upset. My emotions are raw... HELP! Any ideas? I SOOOO need a friend...or at least a hug...
The clerk that had shared her sandwich was sitting hunched over her desk. No one else was in yet. I put my things down and went over to her. Her face was swollen, her eyes were red and blood shot and tears were forming in them. She was taking the jerky guy's termination very hard. I listened. I reassured her that no one else saw it that way. I then offered to handcuff her and drag her off to jail for the vicious crime of sharing her lunch. I got her to laugh a bit and I think she felt a little better.
Moments later we were called together as a group because we'd been exposed to Mercury Chrystals. They sent the third girl in my dept home before she even put down her purse because she was pregnant. The health department representative talked to us and answered questions. The hazmat team came in and used a special vacuum and special cleaner called HGX. They tore up the carpet and we were restrained from that area. They assured us that we were probably fine. They are now testing the air quality. Why were WE not sent home as well. Everyone was stressed.
My supervisor and I dug in and got 40 cases done anyway. I then confided in her about the eye roller, the record room and my feelings about being admonished without a good reason. She agreed that there was no fault on me. She also said that the eye roller hadn't said a word to her so she thought that nothing would come of it. Then she told me that she thinks that we are a great team. Dependability and reliability are wonderful assets in a co-worker. I felt a bit better and left for the day.
On my way home in the car my cell phone rang. I pulled over and picked it up. It was my sister. My cousin's 29 year old daughter died in her sleep last night. My cousin-the mother found her. My sister- the nurse on the scene as they brought her into the hospital didn't realize who it was until after she had flat lined and my sister was putting the information into the computer.
I was okay. I really only knew the 29 year old a little but my mind turned inside out and I remembered finding my daughter like that. It replayed in my mind. It was crazy. I couldn't make it stop. The self loathing- the self blame- questioning every decision you've ever made that could change it- questioning, accusing eyes of people that should've known better... ARGH!!!!Meanwhile I'm trying to cook my husband a nice dinner because he leaves at 4am to go diving in Key Largo Fla. I sobbed throughout the entire process. I felt out of control.
Then I got the text from my Hawaii BFF- you remember him? I helped him move back to Florida-helped him financially...helped-helped-helped and got nothing but Agata for my kindness...anyway, he's moving back to Hawaii. He leaves today. I wished him God Speed and a safe trip, but really, an apology is in order... not that it'll ever happen.
I've learned that giving anonymously is definitely the way I prefer. I've learned that people just take advantage. I feel like nice guys finish last right now and I still have unresolved issues about my daughter's death. If it's all the same Dear Sweet Lord- that's about all of the lessons I can handle right now...thanks-amen...
My diet is trashed. I haven't been able to pull it together. I'm twisted and upset. My emotions are raw... HELP! Any ideas? I SOOOO need a friend...or at least a hug...
11-16-11 Diet Blog
Over the weekend I went to beautiful Historic Bethlehem Pa. My husbands students were being open water certified for Scuba in Dutch Springs. I signed books and took some fun pictures with them. Then we toured Bethlehem Pa and in the evening hit the penny slots at the Sands Casino. A wonderful weekend. Dieted no problem. I was really ok. I felt relaxed and happy...finally- until Monday morning.
First, I locked myself out of the house. This is not usually a problem but the key was not where we have left it for the past 30 years. I finally found it after a quick prayer and all was well...BUT this was just the beginning... the plot thickened upon arriving at work.
The supervisor in my dept had a scheduled day off which was fine but the other co-worker in our dept. called in sick. Their work funnels down to me and I do the back end of it. When they are both out- I cannot work because I am not trained in their jobs. Needless to say- the work was coming in droves, and there was already a pile. Because I couldn't do their job, the probate supervisor first put me in the correspondence dept. I wasn't needed there so she put me in the record room. The place where everyone goes when they are in trouble and getting punished. The probate supervisor kept rolling her eyes at me, treating me like an idiot- which I don't get...since when is not being trained to do someone Else's job MY fault? Anyway- the record room supervisor was nice to me, but I physically can't do that job. I did it but I've been lame for 3 days. My knees and back are wrecked. I also wrecked my diet....
Then- school. I had to recite the Constance monologue from King John by Shakespeare. I did it...badly. I left there to go grocery shopping with my lame back and knees and the pain was excruciating. I was never so glad to get home in my whole life.
Tuesday, I went to work hoping at least one of the other two girls would be in. Thankfully, the Supervisor was. I asked her about training me. She really feels that she wants to wait on that. Did she tell the eye roller though? I doubt it.
We churned out 40 or 50 cases and got a real dent put into the work. Two more days of that and we'll pull it off. I took no breaks but I did take lunch. That same morning- first thing- the new guy came into my cubical. He is huge, was homeless before my boss helped him out by giving him this job and always hungry. Anyway- he's been asking to borrow money every week since he started. In all honesty, I gave it when I had it- you know- you help out your fellow man, but I just didn't have it. He wouldn't take no for an answer. The conversation got very uncomfortable. Finally one of the probate clerks- KNOWN for her stern attitude to put it mildly, caught what was happening and came over and threw him out of my cubicle. She was my hero and I thanked her profusely.
Later, one of the other girls- a clerk- knowing how hungry he usually is and whom he has also hit up for money left half of her sandwich from lunch on his desk so he could eat. Not a chewed half or something like that- but a nice sliced half that she hadn't touched-still wrapped. He actually got nasty about it. He yelled at her for treating him like a homeless person and not needing her stupid half a sandwich... mind you, he then ate the damn thing...the supervisor of the probate clerks- the eye rolling one- got wind of it and took the nice clerk into the boss. It was so wrong. During her chastisement she let the boss in on the fact that hes been asking her and everyone else for money every week whether pay week or not. The boss was upset.
We ALL got called into the office one at a time. He knew my incident before I even got there. He also knew about my being accosted by the guy when he saw me get $20 out of the ATM for gas on a non-pay week too. I told the truth. So did everyone. The guy was terminated by the end of the day. Guilt plagued me.
How come I'm as honest, decent and kind as I can be, good worker who keeps her head down and her mouth closed...really a hard and good worker whose supervisor couldn't be happier...and this is happening? The guilt ate me alive...and I ate until I felt dead inside... my self esteem couldn't be lower. I'm frightened, stressed and already on the verge of tears and its only 7am.
Say a prayer for me...xo
First, I locked myself out of the house. This is not usually a problem but the key was not where we have left it for the past 30 years. I finally found it after a quick prayer and all was well...BUT this was just the beginning... the plot thickened upon arriving at work.
The supervisor in my dept had a scheduled day off which was fine but the other co-worker in our dept. called in sick. Their work funnels down to me and I do the back end of it. When they are both out- I cannot work because I am not trained in their jobs. Needless to say- the work was coming in droves, and there was already a pile. Because I couldn't do their job, the probate supervisor first put me in the correspondence dept. I wasn't needed there so she put me in the record room. The place where everyone goes when they are in trouble and getting punished. The probate supervisor kept rolling her eyes at me, treating me like an idiot- which I don't get...since when is not being trained to do someone Else's job MY fault? Anyway- the record room supervisor was nice to me, but I physically can't do that job. I did it but I've been lame for 3 days. My knees and back are wrecked. I also wrecked my diet....
Then- school. I had to recite the Constance monologue from King John by Shakespeare. I did it...badly. I left there to go grocery shopping with my lame back and knees and the pain was excruciating. I was never so glad to get home in my whole life.
Tuesday, I went to work hoping at least one of the other two girls would be in. Thankfully, the Supervisor was. I asked her about training me. She really feels that she wants to wait on that. Did she tell the eye roller though? I doubt it.
We churned out 40 or 50 cases and got a real dent put into the work. Two more days of that and we'll pull it off. I took no breaks but I did take lunch. That same morning- first thing- the new guy came into my cubical. He is huge, was homeless before my boss helped him out by giving him this job and always hungry. Anyway- he's been asking to borrow money every week since he started. In all honesty, I gave it when I had it- you know- you help out your fellow man, but I just didn't have it. He wouldn't take no for an answer. The conversation got very uncomfortable. Finally one of the probate clerks- KNOWN for her stern attitude to put it mildly, caught what was happening and came over and threw him out of my cubicle. She was my hero and I thanked her profusely.
Later, one of the other girls- a clerk- knowing how hungry he usually is and whom he has also hit up for money left half of her sandwich from lunch on his desk so he could eat. Not a chewed half or something like that- but a nice sliced half that she hadn't touched-still wrapped. He actually got nasty about it. He yelled at her for treating him like a homeless person and not needing her stupid half a sandwich... mind you, he then ate the damn thing...the supervisor of the probate clerks- the eye rolling one- got wind of it and took the nice clerk into the boss. It was so wrong. During her chastisement she let the boss in on the fact that hes been asking her and everyone else for money every week whether pay week or not. The boss was upset.
We ALL got called into the office one at a time. He knew my incident before I even got there. He also knew about my being accosted by the guy when he saw me get $20 out of the ATM for gas on a non-pay week too. I told the truth. So did everyone. The guy was terminated by the end of the day. Guilt plagued me.
How come I'm as honest, decent and kind as I can be, good worker who keeps her head down and her mouth closed...really a hard and good worker whose supervisor couldn't be happier...and this is happening? The guilt ate me alive...and I ate until I felt dead inside... my self esteem couldn't be lower. I'm frightened, stressed and already on the verge of tears and its only 7am.
Say a prayer for me...xo
Friday, November 11, 2011
11:11:11 Diet Blog
Hi all. this is my 10th day holding steadfast to my diet. It's been SO hard. They've had parties at work all weeks- cakes, chips, bagels rolls...everything I know I cannot touch. Sometimes it feels like I'm just destined to be fat. I try so hard but never really succeed. I've gotten close but could never hold it. I get so discouraged sometimes...
I met up with my BFF from the vault the other day. It was good to see her. She is feeling much better since an accident that left her wrist and lower arm incapacitated for quite some time. I was glad to hear that she's coming along nicely with physical therapy and all. During our conversation, she expressed having an exceptionally hard time getting back in the swing of her diet as well. Like me- she uses food to comfort herself from the great stresses life has been throwing at her. I found myself at a loss for profound words, quotes or sound advice because I too am facing that same issue. I'm doing it- but it's totally forced; not coming easily. I want it- but I don't want the work it entails type of thing. We parted ways with a smile and I went into the lunch room.
Inside the lunchroom was an obese co-worker with her plate mountained high with food from the latest office party. Buttered rolls- one sour doe the size of a slice of wonder bread stacked 4 slices high, and a regular one, two kinds of chips and dip, crumb cake, pecan pastry and whatever else she had on there. I smiled, said hello and took out my yogurt, fruit and diet coke. She points to my lunch and laughs. Then she says that she can't stick to a diet, not that she even bothers to try anymore because life is to short. She then says that I should just be who I am because after all I'm already married so who am I trying to impress anyway. I said nothing and stuffed nearly the entire apple into my mouth... it took great strength not to let her have it.
But that conversation- which followed me all day causing steam to emit from my ears- got me to thinking. Why do I need to lose weight? Why am I doing it? Questions to her answers so to speak.
First off- I need to lose weight because its just not healthy to eat that way. That's the right answer. The truthful answer though? I just want to look pretty. For me. Not for some man- I AM married, but just so I feel good about the person looking back at me in the mirror. It's hard. Yes it is. But here's one for you- I work hard at everything I do that means something to me. If I fail at those things I try again or find a different angle. Why on earth should working on "me" be any different than the 20 years it took me to get my book out to the public? It shouldn't. This is crazy- but I found great strength in that and today, the diet was a snap. I'm worth the trouble. Connie is worth the trouble. If Connie doesn't think so- who will? I forgot that for awhile. You are worth it too, aren't you? My profound advice is that. Know that. Feel that. Then, do what you've got to do to prove it.
The advice I should have given to my co-worker instead of biting my tongue was that while it may be impossible to change everything all at once, maybe she could change one thing at a time. Like start with adding 8 glasses of water to your diet every day for a week. Drink one before each meal then eat what you want. It may at least curb the portion a bit while putting an essential hydration into your system. The next week, add two fruits. Then eat what you want. and so on. By the time you add all of the good stuff, not only will you be too full to eat the crap but you will have changed your diet slowly and possibly shed some of that extra weight in the process. I wish I would've said that, but like my BFF from the vault- my head has been in a bad place.... this seems to have turned the "switch" back on though.
So- continuing on and I will certainly keep you posted! Looks like were turning the negatives into positives again at long last! Enjoy your day. Thank you to all of our Veteran's and to the service-people currently serving our country to keep it the home of the free...xo
I met up with my BFF from the vault the other day. It was good to see her. She is feeling much better since an accident that left her wrist and lower arm incapacitated for quite some time. I was glad to hear that she's coming along nicely with physical therapy and all. During our conversation, she expressed having an exceptionally hard time getting back in the swing of her diet as well. Like me- she uses food to comfort herself from the great stresses life has been throwing at her. I found myself at a loss for profound words, quotes or sound advice because I too am facing that same issue. I'm doing it- but it's totally forced; not coming easily. I want it- but I don't want the work it entails type of thing. We parted ways with a smile and I went into the lunch room.
Inside the lunchroom was an obese co-worker with her plate mountained high with food from the latest office party. Buttered rolls- one sour doe the size of a slice of wonder bread stacked 4 slices high, and a regular one, two kinds of chips and dip, crumb cake, pecan pastry and whatever else she had on there. I smiled, said hello and took out my yogurt, fruit and diet coke. She points to my lunch and laughs. Then she says that she can't stick to a diet, not that she even bothers to try anymore because life is to short. She then says that I should just be who I am because after all I'm already married so who am I trying to impress anyway. I said nothing and stuffed nearly the entire apple into my mouth... it took great strength not to let her have it.
But that conversation- which followed me all day causing steam to emit from my ears- got me to thinking. Why do I need to lose weight? Why am I doing it? Questions to her answers so to speak.
First off- I need to lose weight because its just not healthy to eat that way. That's the right answer. The truthful answer though? I just want to look pretty. For me. Not for some man- I AM married, but just so I feel good about the person looking back at me in the mirror. It's hard. Yes it is. But here's one for you- I work hard at everything I do that means something to me. If I fail at those things I try again or find a different angle. Why on earth should working on "me" be any different than the 20 years it took me to get my book out to the public? It shouldn't. This is crazy- but I found great strength in that and today, the diet was a snap. I'm worth the trouble. Connie is worth the trouble. If Connie doesn't think so- who will? I forgot that for awhile. You are worth it too, aren't you? My profound advice is that. Know that. Feel that. Then, do what you've got to do to prove it.
The advice I should have given to my co-worker instead of biting my tongue was that while it may be impossible to change everything all at once, maybe she could change one thing at a time. Like start with adding 8 glasses of water to your diet every day for a week. Drink one before each meal then eat what you want. It may at least curb the portion a bit while putting an essential hydration into your system. The next week, add two fruits. Then eat what you want. and so on. By the time you add all of the good stuff, not only will you be too full to eat the crap but you will have changed your diet slowly and possibly shed some of that extra weight in the process. I wish I would've said that, but like my BFF from the vault- my head has been in a bad place.... this seems to have turned the "switch" back on though.
So- continuing on and I will certainly keep you posted! Looks like were turning the negatives into positives again at long last! Enjoy your day. Thank you to all of our Veteran's and to the service-people currently serving our country to keep it the home of the free...xo
Saturday, November 5, 2011
November 5th 2011 Diet Blog
I wrote yesterday but the entry disappeared into the ethers of the cyber universe. That happened once before a long time ago. I can't remember where I found it but it'll turn up.n the meantime the re-cap is that it was my 27 anniversary. My husband gave me a beautiful crucifix...I filled his tanks in return. (LOL get your mind out of the gutter! He's a diver remember?) I worked half a day then took my husband for his colonoscopy. The night was quiet. He rested, I played face book, blogged and watched tv.
Today was long, lonely and I'm in a weird place mind wise. My head is swimming and my body is sluggish and mired down. My husband is feeling better. He was able to eat normally. I stuck to my diet, not that it was easy. He wanted to go out to a comedy club. Dinner and drinks...I just am not up to it. How weird right> He then suggested a movie instead. I agreed to that but we didn't go. It's been the oddest day.
Tomorrow my BFF is having a cocktail party at her house. She told me not to bring anything. Of course I will bring wine or something. I don't want to drink anything but water or diet soda though. Dieting is so hard. The damn onslaught of food NEVER seems to stop. Then I hear "Oh one bite won't hurt you..." and crap like that. Sigh...
I need to pull myself together and I will. I'm just out of it today without a real explanation as to why that is.
Tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure. In the meantime enjoy your morning, afternoon or evening. See you next blog.
Today was long, lonely and I'm in a weird place mind wise. My head is swimming and my body is sluggish and mired down. My husband is feeling better. He was able to eat normally. I stuck to my diet, not that it was easy. He wanted to go out to a comedy club. Dinner and drinks...I just am not up to it. How weird right> He then suggested a movie instead. I agreed to that but we didn't go. It's been the oddest day.
Tomorrow my BFF is having a cocktail party at her house. She told me not to bring anything. Of course I will bring wine or something. I don't want to drink anything but water or diet soda though. Dieting is so hard. The damn onslaught of food NEVER seems to stop. Then I hear "Oh one bite won't hurt you..." and crap like that. Sigh...
I need to pull myself together and I will. I'm just out of it today without a real explanation as to why that is.
Tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure. In the meantime enjoy your morning, afternoon or evening. See you next blog.
Friday, November 4, 2011
November 4th 2011 Diet Blog
Day 3- complete. I'm doing okay. Rolling with the "punches" or work parties chock full of goodies in my case. Yesterday, our staff was put down by a person that hopes to be at the helm publicly. It upset everyone. He called us rude, unhelpful, untrained and not knowledgable regarding the current laws. People have complaints about someone sometimes and that's fine, but this jerk slammed the entire staff using a public forum and blanket statement to do it. There's seriously something wrong with a guy in that position-in the public eye lying like that. It's called political mud-slinging I'm told...I think his mother should wash his lying nasty mouth out with soap.
Of course there was an exorbitant amount of goodies too- I touched none so I'm kinda proud of me for that.
Today was my 27 anniversary. I've been with my husband for three decades. He still has the ability to shock me apparently. He gave me a beautiful new crucifix. I had broken mine on the last Royal Caribbean Book Tour. It's beautiful. I'm so impressed that he remembered. I (in return) filled his tanks with air...get your mind out of the gutter LOL! He's a diver! ;-)
I left work at noon to bring him to the Doctor for his colonoscopy. At 50 we have to get those. They found a polyp but think it's nothing, though they must run tests to see if there is cancer anyway. He's resting right now and that's a good thing. I guess this is how marriages that last this long celebrate LOL! We had a good laugh joking about that.
So, going into day 4 with renewed hope for all the areas in my life that felt as if they were faltering for awhile now. It feels good to be regaining control of my emotions. I think the agent/fear of the unknown was the straw that broke the camel's back- so to speak. I'll keep you posted!
Of course there was an exorbitant amount of goodies too- I touched none so I'm kinda proud of me for that.
Today was my 27 anniversary. I've been with my husband for three decades. He still has the ability to shock me apparently. He gave me a beautiful new crucifix. I had broken mine on the last Royal Caribbean Book Tour. It's beautiful. I'm so impressed that he remembered. I (in return) filled his tanks with air...get your mind out of the gutter LOL! He's a diver! ;-)
I left work at noon to bring him to the Doctor for his colonoscopy. At 50 we have to get those. They found a polyp but think it's nothing, though they must run tests to see if there is cancer anyway. He's resting right now and that's a good thing. I guess this is how marriages that last this long celebrate LOL! We had a good laugh joking about that.
So, going into day 4 with renewed hope for all the areas in my life that felt as if they were faltering for awhile now. It feels good to be regaining control of my emotions. I think the agent/fear of the unknown was the straw that broke the camel's back- so to speak. I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
November 3rd 2011 Diet Blog
Gees...will it EVER say maintenance blog? (Sigh) Okay- so I left you off at the Royal Caribbean Cruise LAST Year! I kept the weight off for the most part, did book signings and tours and continued my education while working at the courthouse- so not much changed UNTIL the 2nd Royal Caribbean Book Tour! It was a sell out! I've never experienced fame like that before! I even had a stalker! A real one! An author-wanna be that completely lacks social skills of the normal kind. Mt husband met the stalkers cousin at a dive and he was very nice. When he found out who Dave was (to me) he stepped up and apologised for his cousin. Apparently the cousin has a rep...
Anyway- on that cruise I was selling books at my station and this man came over to talk. Three days later he came by asking if I was "represented." I said no, of course and explained that while I am a paid author- not self published- that I have never had an agent. It's all fallen upon me, and that I was doing pretty good at it in my opinion. He laughed and agreed and then gave me his card. He was/is an attorney-agent. I took the card, was very polite but really, I didn't get excited. I'm not sure if I didn't believe it, or didn't think he was real or what, but I stashed the info and continued.
Once home an earthquake hit New Jersey at the beginning of the week, and then hurricane Irene hit us-doing bad damage to my basement and I just forgot about him. Well folks- HE contacted me. He insisted that we should meet. I thought- well, ok but what if this guy is an ax murderer or something- why not? If nothing else, its a good plot... Anyway, I made my husband come with me. We met the agent-attorney at Harold's Deli- where the food is LARGE and costly. By the end of the evening both my husband and I felt that he was the real deal. HE believed in my work...it was very uplifting! I mean- in the quarter century I've been at this, agents have rejected me in STACKS! One approached me on the first Royal Caribbean tour, Followed me ALL over the ship, I sent her a free book and never heard from her again. She just wanted a free copy...another said she couldn't handle my work because (get this) I didn't have an international platform. Huh?! If I had an international platform, what the heck would I need HER for?! LOL! Anyway- agents have fit everything on the spectrum but the one for me...until now.
After several weeks of questions, negotiations, and my ESQ type friends at work helping me, I signed with him. I tell you this story because THAT is the exact spot where I lost the battle of Bulge. I don't know if it's fear, anxiety, stress, relinquishing control...ALL of the above plus other factors or what but I cannot get myself together. I blew up like a beach ball... I am huge again. And I began the decent yesterday. I'm doing it MY way. Weighing in once a month as before. No drugs and dealing with one day at a time. So- welcome back. Join me...again... I guess the "answer" is in the title; "Keep Fighting Fatty!"
Before I go I'm just going to document a dream that I had because it directly pertains to my weight issue and though I am not quite sure what it means, I feel there is a very profound message in it somewhere.
In the dream I am svelte, wearing a pretty flowered dress, high heels, hair done etc. I am setting up for a book talk. I am talking to the people helping me- 10 or 11, but not the audience. We are all working, putting up posters, arranging chairs, opening boxes of books, putting flowers out- you get the idea. One heavy set girl tells me that I look so good since the last event. I tell her this: The only thing this body has going for it is that its healthy and pretty. Other than that, I'm at a complete loss. I know how to handle the bigger body, I have no idea of how to handle this one. People approach me easier in that body, men don't think it's okay to be lude and crude to me. It's kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman after Stuckie hits on her and she finds out that Louis told him that she was a prostitute. She is angry and asks him why. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just let her wear her own clothes; she knew how to handle the situation in her own clothes.
In the dream I stopped and looked up because the room got very quiet and they were ALL listening to me. The girl I was answering said "You should write a book." I'm still confused by it. But who knows- maybe one fine day I'll be SO famous that this BLOG will be turned into a book because (well just everyone...flipping my hair back and sticking my nose up in the air) will want my diet advice LOL!
So- I'm off to begin day 2 of my diet. Good Luck to you if you've started too! Talk to you next blog!
Anyway- on that cruise I was selling books at my station and this man came over to talk. Three days later he came by asking if I was "represented." I said no, of course and explained that while I am a paid author- not self published- that I have never had an agent. It's all fallen upon me, and that I was doing pretty good at it in my opinion. He laughed and agreed and then gave me his card. He was/is an attorney-agent. I took the card, was very polite but really, I didn't get excited. I'm not sure if I didn't believe it, or didn't think he was real or what, but I stashed the info and continued.
Once home an earthquake hit New Jersey at the beginning of the week, and then hurricane Irene hit us-doing bad damage to my basement and I just forgot about him. Well folks- HE contacted me. He insisted that we should meet. I thought- well, ok but what if this guy is an ax murderer or something- why not? If nothing else, its a good plot... Anyway, I made my husband come with me. We met the agent-attorney at Harold's Deli- where the food is LARGE and costly. By the end of the evening both my husband and I felt that he was the real deal. HE believed in my work...it was very uplifting! I mean- in the quarter century I've been at this, agents have rejected me in STACKS! One approached me on the first Royal Caribbean tour, Followed me ALL over the ship, I sent her a free book and never heard from her again. She just wanted a free copy...another said she couldn't handle my work because (get this) I didn't have an international platform. Huh?! If I had an international platform, what the heck would I need HER for?! LOL! Anyway- agents have fit everything on the spectrum but the one for me...until now.
After several weeks of questions, negotiations, and my ESQ type friends at work helping me, I signed with him. I tell you this story because THAT is the exact spot where I lost the battle of Bulge. I don't know if it's fear, anxiety, stress, relinquishing control...ALL of the above plus other factors or what but I cannot get myself together. I blew up like a beach ball... I am huge again. And I began the decent yesterday. I'm doing it MY way. Weighing in once a month as before. No drugs and dealing with one day at a time. So- welcome back. Join me...again... I guess the "answer" is in the title; "Keep Fighting Fatty!"
Before I go I'm just going to document a dream that I had because it directly pertains to my weight issue and though I am not quite sure what it means, I feel there is a very profound message in it somewhere.
In the dream I am svelte, wearing a pretty flowered dress, high heels, hair done etc. I am setting up for a book talk. I am talking to the people helping me- 10 or 11, but not the audience. We are all working, putting up posters, arranging chairs, opening boxes of books, putting flowers out- you get the idea. One heavy set girl tells me that I look so good since the last event. I tell her this: The only thing this body has going for it is that its healthy and pretty. Other than that, I'm at a complete loss. I know how to handle the bigger body, I have no idea of how to handle this one. People approach me easier in that body, men don't think it's okay to be lude and crude to me. It's kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman after Stuckie hits on her and she finds out that Louis told him that she was a prostitute. She is angry and asks him why. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just let her wear her own clothes; she knew how to handle the situation in her own clothes.
In the dream I stopped and looked up because the room got very quiet and they were ALL listening to me. The girl I was answering said "You should write a book." I'm still confused by it. But who knows- maybe one fine day I'll be SO famous that this BLOG will be turned into a book because (well just everyone...flipping my hair back and sticking my nose up in the air) will want my diet advice LOL!
So- I'm off to begin day 2 of my diet. Good Luck to you if you've started too! Talk to you next blog!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
July 19, 2011 Diet Blog
Just a quick note because I'm furiously working to get everything ready for the Royal Caribbean Book tour. Another half a pound down. I'm in the home stretch. It's a scorcher outside- 90's, HUMID!!! Got to run. See you next blog!
Monday, July 18, 2011
July 18, 2011 Diet Blog
I'm happy to report a loss of one pound! I was so happy. I despise that the number can dictate my day- THAT'S why I choose the once a month weigh in. That way I go by feelings and can spot real emotional distress, which is when I'm at my weakest point. For those of you that tried the HCG, today you should be off of it. It is 30 days ONLY- detrimental to your health otherwise. For those that just did the diet itself- forge ahead! You are in the home stretch. The full protein breakfast is on Thursday morning. Then you are supposed to maintain for 5 weeks, otherwise the diet can be unhealthy as well. So there you have it. The last few days of the 30 day stint! How do you feel? I'd like to hear from the people that took the meds. I know who you are. Tell me how it is to come off and I'll write it for our friends on the blog!
In the meantime- I'm finally that the scale finally moved downward again. ...Leave it to me to come through in the last seconds of the game lol! See you next blog. ;-)
In the meantime- I'm finally that the scale finally moved downward again. ...Leave it to me to come through in the last seconds of the game lol! See you next blog. ;-)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
July 17, 2011 Diet Blog
No loss. Having constipation trouble though so that could be it. Three more days after today and then I'm supposed to maintain for 5 weeks. I've been thinking about it. I think I will still diet, but I will do it my own way. The eating every two hours thing is good- it maintains a steady burn of calories. I remember that from karate. The fruit for breakfast ONLY- By ITSELF, is good to because it burns fat. The setting a goal- in this case August 25, which is the 5 weeks mark, and the healthy eating with no flour or sugar is good too. I'm not sure why I am not losing. This diet is seriously restricted in foods, I wonder if that's it. Maybe as I branch out into other fruits and other vegetables the weight will begin to move again. Maybe my body got used to these foods quickly? I would have to do this diet again to see. It's the only way to know. I will do my 'thing' for the 5 weeks and then see where I land. I may try this again just as an experiment. Theoretically, it should have worked better than it did. Still, I did lose a decent amount. Had I only got on the scale once this month I would've been jumping for joy. I think the way around that is to get on the scale each day as ordered but to fluff it off until the once a month date rolls around. In this case, the 25 of each month. It might be the way to go. After the last three days of this diet I am going back to the once a month weigh in. These daily weigh- In's are depressing. Even if I lost a half a pound or whatever, I'm constantly reminded of how large the number is, hence that I'm a tub, you know? I don't need to feel that every day. Once a month is quite enough. Three more days- then the all protein breakfast.
My sister in law had bacon and eggs as her all protein breakfast. I'm not a bacon fan. I like the smell, as long as its not overwhelming, but I gag at the thought of the taste. Ugh! No thanks! I think I'll go with steak and eggs. My husband would like that meal too- although he IS a bacon fan. I don't cook it for him though. He needs to take better care of himself too- I refuse to help him to NOT do that. So, forging ahead..."Whale-Ho..." sigh... See you next blog...;-)
My sister in law had bacon and eggs as her all protein breakfast. I'm not a bacon fan. I like the smell, as long as its not overwhelming, but I gag at the thought of the taste. Ugh! No thanks! I think I'll go with steak and eggs. My husband would like that meal too- although he IS a bacon fan. I don't cook it for him though. He needs to take better care of himself too- I refuse to help him to NOT do that. So, forging ahead..."Whale-Ho..." sigh... See you next blog...;-)
Friday, July 15, 2011
July, 15, 2011 Diet Blog
No loss. It's depressing to say the least. It really feels like I should be dropping weight like crazy. It doesn't make sense. Sunday is the 26th day. If you are taking the medicine, you stop it on the 26th day. You continue on the diet without the medicine for 3 more days. On the 30th day, you come off the diet and have a full protein breakfast.
If you are not using the medicine, just take it to the 30th day and begin that day with an all protein breakfast. Then resume a careful diet and maintain the weight you are at right now for five weeks. At that time, it begins again. It's strict, regimented and VERY hard but I did it. I'm in the home stretch. The only part that I disagree with is the weighing in every day. Once a month would've shown a great drop on the scale- not to mention that this blog would've been MUCH more interesting... but we won't go there....
I had some pretty odd dreams last night. I was someone that I would not normally be in them. I'm glad I woke up. See you next blog. ;-)
If you are not using the medicine, just take it to the 30th day and begin that day with an all protein breakfast. Then resume a careful diet and maintain the weight you are at right now for five weeks. At that time, it begins again. It's strict, regimented and VERY hard but I did it. I'm in the home stretch. The only part that I disagree with is the weighing in every day. Once a month would've shown a great drop on the scale- not to mention that this blog would've been MUCH more interesting... but we won't go there....
I had some pretty odd dreams last night. I was someone that I would not normally be in them. I'm glad I woke up. See you next blog. ;-)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
July 14, 2011 Diet Blog
Another half a pound down- thank heaven! I was beginning to wonder. This diet is SO strict, that I think it may be TOO strict, so its not working for me at the fast rate that it works for others.
Waves of Nausea, headache, muscle ache and fatigue have plagued me for the last two days. I don't think its the diet. I think its the emotional roller coaster I've been on at home. Things are peaceful and tranquil today and the nausea subsided. It's turmoil each day trying to get the jump on whatever mood my husband comes home in and work my way around it. Yesterday he seemed better and we headed off to the town pool.
For the 6th consecutive day in a row- the pool was closing as we arrived due to a child pooping in the big pool. Now, I could understand the kiddie pool, but this really is getting ridiculous. As disappointing as that was I did not see it as the end of the world. My husband flipped out at the closing, then at the owner, and then, just for good measure, he tortured me over it. So much for the good mood. When we got home he wanted to watch a movie. I was all for it as I knew he would stop being so mean and get involved with it. He chose X-Men. NOT my movie of choice- but whatever it took, you know?
And so I continue to forge ahead. I hope I feel physically better tomorrow. See you next blog! ;-0
Waves of Nausea, headache, muscle ache and fatigue have plagued me for the last two days. I don't think its the diet. I think its the emotional roller coaster I've been on at home. Things are peaceful and tranquil today and the nausea subsided. It's turmoil each day trying to get the jump on whatever mood my husband comes home in and work my way around it. Yesterday he seemed better and we headed off to the town pool.
For the 6th consecutive day in a row- the pool was closing as we arrived due to a child pooping in the big pool. Now, I could understand the kiddie pool, but this really is getting ridiculous. As disappointing as that was I did not see it as the end of the world. My husband flipped out at the closing, then at the owner, and then, just for good measure, he tortured me over it. So much for the good mood. When we got home he wanted to watch a movie. I was all for it as I knew he would stop being so mean and get involved with it. He chose X-Men. NOT my movie of choice- but whatever it took, you know?
And so I continue to forge ahead. I hope I feel physically better tomorrow. See you next blog! ;-0
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
July 13, 2011 Diet Blog
No weight Loss as of today- in true fact it's teetering towards a quarter pound gain which sux. I'm trying to remember to only count the once a month number. It used to make me happy to see such a large drop all at once, yet not have to fury through the struggles ounce by ounce. I highly recommend NOT weighing in each day. Go by your feelings. I highly recommend this diet if you can handle this kind of strict regimen, but I prefer to have a bite here and there and still lose weight. Like before I am goal Oriented. The diet ends the day before the book signing tour aboard Royal Caribbean as it is a 30 day long process. Last year I was able to watch, I will this year too. I weighed less last year though, so I'm kind of 'bummed' about the whole thing. I know...I know...do not let my body or the perception of my body stand in the way of me having a good time...I won't, but I just wish I was able to be thin naturally you know? Ahhh...such is life.... See you next blog. ;-)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
July, 12, 2011 Diet Blog
So- down another half a pound. Its chugging along but at least its in the right direction. I've stuck consistently to the two fruits a day- cutting one in half for breakfast and 3pm snack, 100 g of lean beef, chicken, turkey or whitefish plus two cups of vegetables or green salad. Mostly I stick to lettuce, cucumbers and cooked onions with the meat as dressing. Its not bad. The list has very few to choose from. I will list them for anyone who wants to try this diet, but be forewarned- its hard, strict and exhausting. Portion control is better for me. It doesn't seem like the weight is falling off here let me tell you- although with this amount of calories and this much discipline, it should be. I don't claim to understand. My sister in law seems to think that I'm just going to wake up one morning ten pounds lighter out of the blue. Sadly, I',m a little more reality stricken than that as you know. I'm just grateful that the scale is going the right way at last...though, I do fantasy dream of waking up lighter- never worrying about what food I eat and having a great body...lol. But...that's me, the dreamer...the reality stricken dreamer...which is why I write.
The Royal Caribbean book tour is a go. I cannot wait! Its so exciting! I hope that everything goes as smoothly as the last time and that I sell out my books! If you are inclined towards prayer, please pray for me. See you next blog!
The Royal Caribbean book tour is a go. I cannot wait! Its so exciting! I hope that everything goes as smoothly as the last time and that I sell out my books! If you are inclined towards prayer, please pray for me. See you next blog!
Monday, July 11, 2011
July 11, 2011 Diet Blog
Well, I fought that same two pounds for over a week. It was upsetting to say the least. Still, I remained steadfast even though party after party, BBQ after BBQ, snack after snack and my husbands jumping ship occurred all around me. I'm happy to report that the scale went down one half pound below the 2 pound issue yesterday and another half pound today. Whew!
I will mention that weighing in every day has this consequence for me...the number seems to set my mood no matter how hard I try not to let it.
The funny part is- at the 30 day mark, which is one day before the book signing cruise it would say 13 pounds down, and I would be enraptured with happiness. Meanwhile, instead of the number on the scale dictating how I feel, I would actually be feeling the effects of dieting; feeling better about myself and that type of thing. Still, a promise is a promise. I said I'd give it 30 days and so I will. The goal is set, the plan in rotation. At least the scale is moving in the right direction again. I'm very thankful for that.
I will add a factoid from my sister in law- again, not something I will do but it may work for you. (Check out First Magazine July and August) She says that cayan pepper taken as directed in the magazine acts as a fat burner. She actually drinks it in water but there are supplements according to her magazine. Read about it first, like I said its not for me. I believe that I need something I can stick to for a lifetime. For me- its a lifetime battle.... see you next blog! ;-)
I will mention that weighing in every day has this consequence for me...the number seems to set my mood no matter how hard I try not to let it.
The funny part is- at the 30 day mark, which is one day before the book signing cruise it would say 13 pounds down, and I would be enraptured with happiness. Meanwhile, instead of the number on the scale dictating how I feel, I would actually be feeling the effects of dieting; feeling better about myself and that type of thing. Still, a promise is a promise. I said I'd give it 30 days and so I will. The goal is set, the plan in rotation. At least the scale is moving in the right direction again. I'm very thankful for that.
I will add a factoid from my sister in law- again, not something I will do but it may work for you. (Check out First Magazine July and August) She says that cayan pepper taken as directed in the magazine acts as a fat burner. She actually drinks it in water but there are supplements according to her magazine. Read about it first, like I said its not for me. I believe that I need something I can stick to for a lifetime. For me- its a lifetime battle.... see you next blog! ;-)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
July 7 2011 Diet Blog
I was so upset and angry yesterday. I had to work very hard to let that go and live in the moment. Dieting can be so stress fully, painful- at least for me. Then I got word that Angel Preston- the pony I helped get a prosthetic leg and operation for with my book sales fell out of the back of the SEMI in route to the operation because they forgot to close the doors. How wrong is that? I sobbed. Devastation fills the heart of her owner Denette. The loss is truly great for her- like mine with my daughter. Angel was her child. It's awful.
The Royal Caribbean Book Tour is confirmed and set in motion. They contacted me for what the Compass (Daily paper of activities) would contain. It's a go. I leave on the 20th of July and am gone for nearly two weeks. I pray that I sell every book and take orders for more!
I lost the same two pounds my body is fighting with this week. Its very frustrating. I don't trust it but am trying not to let the number dictate my day. THIS is exactly why I do not weigh in every day. You do realize that if I weighed in at the beginning of the month it would say 13 pounds solid so far right? Isn't that nicer than yo yo up two...yo yo down two... and so on?
Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the tour because its the one thing in my life that's going terrific. See you next blog. ;-)
The Royal Caribbean Book Tour is confirmed and set in motion. They contacted me for what the Compass (Daily paper of activities) would contain. It's a go. I leave on the 20th of July and am gone for nearly two weeks. I pray that I sell every book and take orders for more!
I lost the same two pounds my body is fighting with this week. Its very frustrating. I don't trust it but am trying not to let the number dictate my day. THIS is exactly why I do not weigh in every day. You do realize that if I weighed in at the beginning of the month it would say 13 pounds solid so far right? Isn't that nicer than yo yo up two...yo yo down two... and so on?
Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the tour because its the one thing in my life that's going terrific. See you next blog. ;-)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
July 6 2011 Diet Blog
Okay- so this diet sux...yesterday I was down today I am up 2 pounds. It doesn't make sense. You can't eat this little and NOT lose weight. I feel like I'm dieting my life away...and getting no where. I get it off, I didn't keep it off, I go back up, I go higher. I go down- yo yo status... ARG!
I took my niece out to get her nails done with me in the salon and then shopping for school supplies, which made her very happy. Then I made her pick out one small item for everyone in her family so that the experience could be shared. It seems to me that she's a bit selfish and self centered. At ten that's got to be curbed-gently, but curbed none the less. When we got home, before showing her things I had her hand out the gifts first. I wanted her to get the "giving" feeling. It's such a nice feeling. She shocked the hell out of her mother who nearly cried that she'd thought of everyone like that. Afterwards, she showed off her things to a non-jealous brother and attentive mother and father-figure. I secretly gave myself a mental pat on the back. (Job well done, I told myself.)
While shopping I found a few little princess goodies for my Tennessee baby girl. I send her one princess card a week since the Memphis book Tour. Her grandmother says it makes her day and she loves to check the mail everyday for her special card. Once in awhile I do a package. She'll definitely like this one. Ribbons and glitter paper...very sheik.
So, my good deeds done I came home thinking who I was. My reward? Without cheating- UP 2 pounds on the scale...not right.
I'm very upset about the verdict regarding Caylee Marie Anthony. That child's mother didn't report her missing for 30 days- instead went out partying etc. She may not be guilty of murder- although THAT is optional, but she is sure as hell guilty of neglect. Now she alleges that her father sexually abused her and he did it. Meanwhile, he's sitting in the court room...if that's true, why was she still living there with the little girl, and WHY are there pictures of her father holding the little girl, and WHY was he allowed alone time with her? Great defense- got her off on murder...hmmm the perfect crime?
Anyway- so this day is filled with self loathing, frustration and cosmic confusion. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. That number completely throws me. That's why I do the weigh in once a month...or when the moment strikes me- not everyday. See you next blog. ;-)
I took my niece out to get her nails done with me in the salon and then shopping for school supplies, which made her very happy. Then I made her pick out one small item for everyone in her family so that the experience could be shared. It seems to me that she's a bit selfish and self centered. At ten that's got to be curbed-gently, but curbed none the less. When we got home, before showing her things I had her hand out the gifts first. I wanted her to get the "giving" feeling. It's such a nice feeling. She shocked the hell out of her mother who nearly cried that she'd thought of everyone like that. Afterwards, she showed off her things to a non-jealous brother and attentive mother and father-figure. I secretly gave myself a mental pat on the back. (Job well done, I told myself.)
While shopping I found a few little princess goodies for my Tennessee baby girl. I send her one princess card a week since the Memphis book Tour. Her grandmother says it makes her day and she loves to check the mail everyday for her special card. Once in awhile I do a package. She'll definitely like this one. Ribbons and glitter paper...very sheik.
So, my good deeds done I came home thinking who I was. My reward? Without cheating- UP 2 pounds on the scale...not right.
I'm very upset about the verdict regarding Caylee Marie Anthony. That child's mother didn't report her missing for 30 days- instead went out partying etc. She may not be guilty of murder- although THAT is optional, but she is sure as hell guilty of neglect. Now she alleges that her father sexually abused her and he did it. Meanwhile, he's sitting in the court room...if that's true, why was she still living there with the little girl, and WHY are there pictures of her father holding the little girl, and WHY was he allowed alone time with her? Great defense- got her off on murder...hmmm the perfect crime?
Anyway- so this day is filled with self loathing, frustration and cosmic confusion. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. That number completely throws me. That's why I do the weigh in once a month...or when the moment strikes me- not everyday. See you next blog. ;-)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
July 5, 2011 Diet Blog
So, the outcome to the nail biting drama that is my life is that my husband's friend called and asked him to go camping and diving in PA for the weekend. I didn't even blink before completely encouraging him to go...and may I just add, "whew!" He went. He returned Sunday Night and spent Monday, the 4th of July with us. It was ridiculous. He did come back in a better frame of mind and we haven't spoken of the incident since it happened. I was lonely, but grateful for the loneliness over the frustration. The lesser of the two evils where my emotions are concerned. And so another hurdle...tripped over...
On a happier note, I did lose 2 pounds this weekend. Considering that there have been parties going on all around me since early Friday at work, clear through to today I consider that a MAJOR victory! I should receive the medal for valor! (Not to mention the purple heat...wounded in battle...sigh...) Anyway- forging ahead to the thirty day mark. It's a short term goal. I do better with a goal. After that its maintain for 5 weeks, not 6 as I originally thought, then breaking the diet with a full protein breakfast and moving forward from there. As always, I will keep you informed. I hope you are all doing well too. Keep me informed! ;-)
On a happier note, I did lose 2 pounds this weekend. Considering that there have been parties going on all around me since early Friday at work, clear through to today I consider that a MAJOR victory! I should receive the medal for valor! (Not to mention the purple heat...wounded in battle...sigh...) Anyway- forging ahead to the thirty day mark. It's a short term goal. I do better with a goal. After that its maintain for 5 weeks, not 6 as I originally thought, then breaking the diet with a full protein breakfast and moving forward from there. As always, I will keep you informed. I hope you are all doing well too. Keep me informed! ;-)
Sunday, July 3, 2011
July, 3, 2011 Diet Blog
For 3 solid days I've been stuck in the same spot. There's NO WAY I shouldn't be losing weight eating these very few calories. Its weird and upsetting. This is the exact reason this didn't work for me when I tried it last time. If I'm stuck ALREADY because of water weight or whatever, AND I have to weigh in every day, it's an equation for defeat-giving up- throwing in the towel. I'm SO glad I told you guys already on a successful path not to follow it until we tested it. I'm feeling like NO. It's way too strict and not very rewarding after the first week. Actually, it sux since the first week to be perfectly honest.
I've not cheated other than to switch meal times around due to my hectic schedule. THAT shouldn't effect me in the long run. If it does, this Diet won't work for anyone. My sister-in-law who had great success on it doesn't work. Her kids were in school all day and she could keep herself to a time clock. It's a little harder for those of us that work more than one job, go to school and are on the run most of the time. I'm going to ride out the 30 days, but I'm disappointed, discouraged and kind of upset that I've wasted this much time. Anyway- its a real diet- stricter than most- definitely stricter than what I used successfully. Maybe mine took longer in the beginning, but ... well, its like that race between the tortoise and the hare right? The tortoise won. Steady and strong beat swift and arrogant. (sigh)
Anyway- forging ahead. My husband is away on a dive. I was actually encouraging him to go. For some reason I need peace and quiet today. My head feels too full of stuff. I need to unload.
On Friday we got let out early as a nice surprise. I got into my car and headed home. About half way there the phone rings and its my husband. I pull over the car and take the call as it is an unusual time of day for him to call, not to mention on my cell-because we cannot use them at work obviously.
He doesn't even say hello. He just demands to know why I wasn't at work. I said that the boss let us out early. He challenges me loudly that he called the front desk and the girl said that I hadn't been in all day. He accused me- not with words but with the tone and volume of his voice, although I have NO idea what he was accusing me of exactly.
Honestly, I'm the most boring person on the planet that way. I am always where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there. If he had me followed the detective would laugh in his face-I'm so good! I'm floored by this and find myself defending myself, promising I was at work, offering to have the girl call him or my boss if it was necessary...you get the idea. I hung up with him-literally stunned and called the office.
My co-worker says that she did NOT say I was out all day, she-in fact- said that I was gone for the day. The girl next to her confirmed having heard her say that. Of course she did- WHY on earth would she say something else? I apologised- explained myself and hung up. I was home ten minutes later. He says that's what she told him, but that he believes me.
Then, the town pool which was next on the agenda, had to be closed because a child had a bowel movement in it. He went off the richter (pardon spelling if its wrong) scale. I just coward until the eruption was over. When his friend invited him to go diving I was never more happy. I've gotta tell you- I love him- but he can really stress me to the max. It made me have to fight off the urge to eat badly. I was beyond the breaking point by this point. I maintained composure until he was gone. Afterwards I just sat for a long time in silence. Did that really happen? OMG...
Anyway- so the NON loss of weight isn't helping the fight with myself. Tears feel like they want to explode from my eye balls, but are blocked...He's gone until Sunday night I think. I hung out with my sister-in-law and the kids after I pulled myself together about two hours after he left. I told her. She understood. There are big 'anger' issues inside of all of them because of her mom, she says. I see where that could be. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.
Keep going. I'm going to also. Thank heaven that I know I'm not alone...because I feel SO alone... ;-) See you next blog.
I've not cheated other than to switch meal times around due to my hectic schedule. THAT shouldn't effect me in the long run. If it does, this Diet won't work for anyone. My sister-in-law who had great success on it doesn't work. Her kids were in school all day and she could keep herself to a time clock. It's a little harder for those of us that work more than one job, go to school and are on the run most of the time. I'm going to ride out the 30 days, but I'm disappointed, discouraged and kind of upset that I've wasted this much time. Anyway- its a real diet- stricter than most- definitely stricter than what I used successfully. Maybe mine took longer in the beginning, but ... well, its like that race between the tortoise and the hare right? The tortoise won. Steady and strong beat swift and arrogant. (sigh)
Anyway- forging ahead. My husband is away on a dive. I was actually encouraging him to go. For some reason I need peace and quiet today. My head feels too full of stuff. I need to unload.
On Friday we got let out early as a nice surprise. I got into my car and headed home. About half way there the phone rings and its my husband. I pull over the car and take the call as it is an unusual time of day for him to call, not to mention on my cell-because we cannot use them at work obviously.
He doesn't even say hello. He just demands to know why I wasn't at work. I said that the boss let us out early. He challenges me loudly that he called the front desk and the girl said that I hadn't been in all day. He accused me- not with words but with the tone and volume of his voice, although I have NO idea what he was accusing me of exactly.
Honestly, I'm the most boring person on the planet that way. I am always where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there. If he had me followed the detective would laugh in his face-I'm so good! I'm floored by this and find myself defending myself, promising I was at work, offering to have the girl call him or my boss if it was necessary...you get the idea. I hung up with him-literally stunned and called the office.
My co-worker says that she did NOT say I was out all day, she-in fact- said that I was gone for the day. The girl next to her confirmed having heard her say that. Of course she did- WHY on earth would she say something else? I apologised- explained myself and hung up. I was home ten minutes later. He says that's what she told him, but that he believes me.
Then, the town pool which was next on the agenda, had to be closed because a child had a bowel movement in it. He went off the richter (pardon spelling if its wrong) scale. I just coward until the eruption was over. When his friend invited him to go diving I was never more happy. I've gotta tell you- I love him- but he can really stress me to the max. It made me have to fight off the urge to eat badly. I was beyond the breaking point by this point. I maintained composure until he was gone. Afterwards I just sat for a long time in silence. Did that really happen? OMG...
Anyway- so the NON loss of weight isn't helping the fight with myself. Tears feel like they want to explode from my eye balls, but are blocked...He's gone until Sunday night I think. I hung out with my sister-in-law and the kids after I pulled myself together about two hours after he left. I told her. She understood. There are big 'anger' issues inside of all of them because of her mom, she says. I see where that could be. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.
Keep going. I'm going to also. Thank heaven that I know I'm not alone...because I feel SO alone... ;-) See you next blog.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
June 29, 2011 Diet Blog
So another pound down today, which is a relief. I've done something to my foot though. I have no idea what. I went to bed Wednesday night and it was fine. I woke up still fine, until I stood up after getting out of bed. The big toe meets the foot at the lower joint- that's where the pain is emanating from. It's severe. It got worse as the day went on. I have no clue what caused it. I went home, iced it and now am keeping it up and hoping for the best. Lord, its been a long day. Being in pain sux.
I do want to quickly speak to you about "the process of elimination" if you get my drift. Bowel movements- normal for me are everyday. On this diet, they are every two three days, smaller and little rock like texture. I know- I know TMI! TMI! Too MUCH Information!!! I understand, but I think if this is happening to my body, it may also happen to yours if you embark upon this diet. It's not 'tried and true.' I think its better if I document what's going on with my body as well as my heart and brain, that way we get a full spectrum of the features we must endure on our journey. That being documented- let's forge on...
Today was a day of embarrassment. Because I drink so much water I need to go to the bathroom. I hobbled all of the way back and forth having to explain the painful gimp to my concerned co-workers and friends. The problem is that I cannot explain it, so I just tell the story. AND what's worse than a Big Fat girl limping through the corridors of the courthouse? I could almost hear the people...'take off some weight and maybe your legs will be able to support you' type of thing. I hate calling any kind of attention to myself when I'm this heavy. I guess my self esteem is low. Rightfully so as I see myself in reflections of glass or mirrors as I hobble/waddle by. I just keep comforting myself...this TOO shall pass...
On that note I'll sign off for the evening. Tomorrow will be a better day. ;-)
I do want to quickly speak to you about "the process of elimination" if you get my drift. Bowel movements- normal for me are everyday. On this diet, they are every two three days, smaller and little rock like texture. I know- I know TMI! TMI! Too MUCH Information!!! I understand, but I think if this is happening to my body, it may also happen to yours if you embark upon this diet. It's not 'tried and true.' I think its better if I document what's going on with my body as well as my heart and brain, that way we get a full spectrum of the features we must endure on our journey. That being documented- let's forge on...
Today was a day of embarrassment. Because I drink so much water I need to go to the bathroom. I hobbled all of the way back and forth having to explain the painful gimp to my concerned co-workers and friends. The problem is that I cannot explain it, so I just tell the story. AND what's worse than a Big Fat girl limping through the corridors of the courthouse? I could almost hear the people...'take off some weight and maybe your legs will be able to support you' type of thing. I hate calling any kind of attention to myself when I'm this heavy. I guess my self esteem is low. Rightfully so as I see myself in reflections of glass or mirrors as I hobble/waddle by. I just keep comforting myself...this TOO shall pass...
On that note I'll sign off for the evening. Tomorrow will be a better day. ;-)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
June 28, 2011 Diet Blog
So- in a cosmic effort to prove what I was saying to you yesterday I got on the scale same time as yesterday morning expecting to find the coveted half a pound- but hoping for more-off. Instead I was up the half a pound that I took off yesterday. Weighing in everyday isn't good. My mood went from sleepy to disappointed and upset right away. The scale sets the mood for me- the number is lousy. If I hadn't gotten on I would still be sleepy and evolving into the real mood of the day. I feel like launching the scale out the window!
That being said- if your diet is working, DO NOT change to this one. I didn't breach the plan with so much as an extra blueberry! I hate that! I follow the rules-follow the rules-follow the rules- in EVERY catagory of my life, yet it seems like the 'jerks' of the world are the ones who always come out on top. Its the same with publishing. Its the same with agents. What about us who work overtime to do the right thing-pray and beg for guidance- follow every rule set...what about us? (...and the meek shall inherit the earth...I know) Still, I am human and I too get frustrated.
Todays diet is: 2 coffees before I left for work, 1/2 cup blueberries for breakfast with 3 cups green tea. Lunch is 100 g tenderloin with onions poured over two cups green salad (I love that by the way) no dressing or oils used. Dinner 100 g chicken breast and 2 cups cucumber slices. Later an apple for a snack. 2 liters of water plus. It's basically the same diet every day with the limitations of fruits and vegetables being very strict. But for 30 days I can do anything- at least thats what I told myself...
I do not understand the weight. I just don't. I'm going to pray for guidance today, and strength...its too soon for a set back... please take the advice I gave above unless you're not dieting at all yet. In that case, join me. Misery loves company...lol. No-I'm kidding...the cup is half full here. It'll be okay tomorrow. Talk to you next blog. ;-)
That being said- if your diet is working, DO NOT change to this one. I didn't breach the plan with so much as an extra blueberry! I hate that! I follow the rules-follow the rules-follow the rules- in EVERY catagory of my life, yet it seems like the 'jerks' of the world are the ones who always come out on top. Its the same with publishing. Its the same with agents. What about us who work overtime to do the right thing-pray and beg for guidance- follow every rule set...what about us? (...and the meek shall inherit the earth...I know) Still, I am human and I too get frustrated.
Todays diet is: 2 coffees before I left for work, 1/2 cup blueberries for breakfast with 3 cups green tea. Lunch is 100 g tenderloin with onions poured over two cups green salad (I love that by the way) no dressing or oils used. Dinner 100 g chicken breast and 2 cups cucumber slices. Later an apple for a snack. 2 liters of water plus. It's basically the same diet every day with the limitations of fruits and vegetables being very strict. But for 30 days I can do anything- at least thats what I told myself...
I do not understand the weight. I just don't. I'm going to pray for guidance today, and strength...its too soon for a set back... please take the advice I gave above unless you're not dieting at all yet. In that case, join me. Misery loves company...lol. No-I'm kidding...the cup is half full here. It'll be okay tomorrow. Talk to you next blog. ;-)
Monday, June 27, 2011
June 27, 2011 Diet Blog
Did well today but found myself a little moody. I'm tired but my sleep patterns are always erratic. I stuck to the regimen without falter. I'm just so glad that I made it through the weekend. I feel like I have a real shot at it again. I'm not sure what happened or why I tossed the towel in. It doesn't matter now. I cannot change yesterday but I can change today and tomorrow one day at a time.
A friend of mine read that I lost the 10+ pounds in just 6 days and wrote to me that she was going to change her diet. That would have been fine if her diet had not been working, BUT hers is working! She's lost 18 pounds.
I wrote back and explained this to her: 10+ pounds in 6 days sounds wonderful. Of course its tempting using JUST that sentence. The truth has a few more sentences though. The first two Gorge days added 3 pounds that I hadn't had before, so the loss of those three was just a case of breaking even. 5 or 6 pounds is usually water. That means that I've actually only lost 2 or 3 pounds on the diet. It's a real diet. The psychological thing happening there got me going though. If you are on a diet that is working, please remain steadfast.
We aren't even sure if this one actually works yet. It's VERY strict too. Will I be able to stick to it? Hope so...but my track record as of late hasn't been great. Do I feel like I will? Yes. I feel like I've got a lock on it- but let's keep it all in perspective. Your diet has to work for you. Think about it.
Then if you want to try it-I'm behind you 100%!
It's been a long day and I'm heading into bed. Keep me posted on your progress here or through e-mail as my friend did! ;-)
A friend of mine read that I lost the 10+ pounds in just 6 days and wrote to me that she was going to change her diet. That would have been fine if her diet had not been working, BUT hers is working! She's lost 18 pounds.
I wrote back and explained this to her: 10+ pounds in 6 days sounds wonderful. Of course its tempting using JUST that sentence. The truth has a few more sentences though. The first two Gorge days added 3 pounds that I hadn't had before, so the loss of those three was just a case of breaking even. 5 or 6 pounds is usually water. That means that I've actually only lost 2 or 3 pounds on the diet. It's a real diet. The psychological thing happening there got me going though. If you are on a diet that is working, please remain steadfast.
We aren't even sure if this one actually works yet. It's VERY strict too. Will I be able to stick to it? Hope so...but my track record as of late hasn't been great. Do I feel like I will? Yes. I feel like I've got a lock on it- but let's keep it all in perspective. Your diet has to work for you. Think about it.
Then if you want to try it-I'm behind you 100%!
It's been a long day and I'm heading into bed. Keep me posted on your progress here or through e-mail as my friend did! ;-)
June 26, 2011 Diet Blog
2 more pounds gone this weekend. I cannot complain at all, but remember 3 of it was Gorge weight, and a lot of that is water. Now comes the real weight so it will slow down significantly. Of course I will keep you posted as always.
My food intake has been the same. 2 fruits a day, 100 g of lean meat and two cups of vegetetable for lunch and dinner. Its strict but worth it. I actually feel like I'm back in the 'fight.'
I like feeling the control kick in again. This is just a quick note I know- but I will blog Monday evening (tonight) because I had so little time this weekend. I cleaned, grocery shopped, did laundry- then went by the pool with my sister in law and her family. I'm very lonley these days.
My food intake has been the same. 2 fruits a day, 100 g of lean meat and two cups of vegetetable for lunch and dinner. Its strict but worth it. I actually feel like I'm back in the 'fight.'
I like feeling the control kick in again. This is just a quick note I know- but I will blog Monday evening (tonight) because I had so little time this weekend. I cleaned, grocery shopped, did laundry- then went by the pool with my sister in law and her family. I'm very lonley these days.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
June 24, 2011 Diet Blog
Well- 5 pounds down overnight has gotta be some kind of a world record. How can that be? It's gotta be water weight from the gorge(?) That's all I can think of. Needless to say though- Fat as I REALLY an again- I feel light as a feather. The number matters. Though the actual number itself is horrid- it's not standing alone because of the literal "over night" success. I can only PRAY that the same thing happens to me on a global scale, speaking "author-wise."
The only question I had for today was if my food list was complete. It is, but you can also add blueberries, or raspberries to the fruit list if you so desire. Needless to say, since 1 fruit is 6-9 strawberries- how MUCH of those fruits counts as a fruit- especially because 1 apple also counts as a fruit. You see the dilemma? I cannot guess. Still, I went to work smiling!
My liquid intake exceeded the 2 liter amount, which they deem is fine thankfully. I drink constantly-All day-Everyday!
My food intake was much like yesterdays, because I need to get to the market on Saturday. I had two cups of coffee before I left for work. Just so you know- I used no sugar and a little milk. They say 1 tablespoon- I probably used two in each cup. Its the only rule I have to break.For breakfast I had one half of an apple sliced, with 3 cups of green tea. I had lemon in the tea and 1 sweet and low sweetener. You can use the juice of a whole lemon- I used half. Lunch was 100g of tenderloin sauteed in onions and water poured over a nice big green salad. It was lovely again. My sister in law squeezes the lemon over hers as a dressing. I may try that tomorrow. My mid day snack was the other half of the sliced apple. Dinner was 100g chicken, 2 cups cucumber slices. I love cucumber in this hot sticky weather. It's cool and refreshing and it tastes good. Then my final snack of the night was a full apple. I have an entire fruit last so that I don't wake up with my stomach growling or hungry in the night and I'm not so hungry that I'll grab ANYTHING in sight that's quick for breakfast.
Make no mistake- this diet is strict and it requires discipline. It has to come from inside of you. The normal diet is 1200 calories and the weight loss is good. It's just slower. This diet is only 500 calories. That's why they pull you OFF of it after 30 days and you have to maintain that weight for 6 weeks before being allowed to begin again. It's hard, but I feel like I've got a grip on myself again.
For me that's more than half the battle. I was spiraling out of control. For me the answer to the question of how to maintain a decent weight and stay healthy for the rest of my life lies within the title of this blog. "Keep fighting Fatty!" Even though we feel complete defeat we HAVE to keep going back to the beginning- square one if TH ATS what it takes. Of course I'll keep you posted about it all.
PS: I'm asked to go to the pool tomorrow- though I will go because I try NOT to let the weight stop me as you know, I am having GREAT anxiety over it. Bathing suits are a nightmare... On the inside- in my core, I KNOW that people there are looking at me and saying thank heaven I don't look like HER. People say that about other people all of the time while I listen there. For me, there's a certain embarrassment to being a fat person. But let me correct something I said on the blog the other day. I was having a very bad day. I'm sure you can empathise. Though I hate my looks and am totally frustrated, embarrassed and all of the other emotions that go with loathing my body, I do not hate myself. My core is beautiful. I know that. I'M locked in here. It's like an intricate cage. There is a way out but its through a labyrinth. I'll find my way.
The good part is that I am not alone. There are many of us and though we are locked in separate cages- we feel each other. We hear each other. Together we are strong and can pull each other through. I'm giving it another go. Join me... don't give up and I won't either...
The only question I had for today was if my food list was complete. It is, but you can also add blueberries, or raspberries to the fruit list if you so desire. Needless to say, since 1 fruit is 6-9 strawberries- how MUCH of those fruits counts as a fruit- especially because 1 apple also counts as a fruit. You see the dilemma? I cannot guess. Still, I went to work smiling!
My liquid intake exceeded the 2 liter amount, which they deem is fine thankfully. I drink constantly-All day-Everyday!
My food intake was much like yesterdays, because I need to get to the market on Saturday. I had two cups of coffee before I left for work. Just so you know- I used no sugar and a little milk. They say 1 tablespoon- I probably used two in each cup. Its the only rule I have to break.For breakfast I had one half of an apple sliced, with 3 cups of green tea. I had lemon in the tea and 1 sweet and low sweetener. You can use the juice of a whole lemon- I used half. Lunch was 100g of tenderloin sauteed in onions and water poured over a nice big green salad. It was lovely again. My sister in law squeezes the lemon over hers as a dressing. I may try that tomorrow. My mid day snack was the other half of the sliced apple. Dinner was 100g chicken, 2 cups cucumber slices. I love cucumber in this hot sticky weather. It's cool and refreshing and it tastes good. Then my final snack of the night was a full apple. I have an entire fruit last so that I don't wake up with my stomach growling or hungry in the night and I'm not so hungry that I'll grab ANYTHING in sight that's quick for breakfast.
Make no mistake- this diet is strict and it requires discipline. It has to come from inside of you. The normal diet is 1200 calories and the weight loss is good. It's just slower. This diet is only 500 calories. That's why they pull you OFF of it after 30 days and you have to maintain that weight for 6 weeks before being allowed to begin again. It's hard, but I feel like I've got a grip on myself again.
For me that's more than half the battle. I was spiraling out of control. For me the answer to the question of how to maintain a decent weight and stay healthy for the rest of my life lies within the title of this blog. "Keep fighting Fatty!" Even though we feel complete defeat we HAVE to keep going back to the beginning- square one if TH ATS what it takes. Of course I'll keep you posted about it all.
PS: I'm asked to go to the pool tomorrow- though I will go because I try NOT to let the weight stop me as you know, I am having GREAT anxiety over it. Bathing suits are a nightmare... On the inside- in my core, I KNOW that people there are looking at me and saying thank heaven I don't look like HER. People say that about other people all of the time while I listen there. For me, there's a certain embarrassment to being a fat person. But let me correct something I said on the blog the other day. I was having a very bad day. I'm sure you can empathise. Though I hate my looks and am totally frustrated, embarrassed and all of the other emotions that go with loathing my body, I do not hate myself. My core is beautiful. I know that. I'M locked in here. It's like an intricate cage. There is a way out but its through a labyrinth. I'll find my way.
The good part is that I am not alone. There are many of us and though we are locked in separate cages- we feel each other. We hear each other. Together we are strong and can pull each other through. I'm giving it another go. Join me... don't give up and I won't either...
Friday, June 24, 2011
June 23, 2011 Going Strict
You know- it wasn't so bad. I wrote a lot of feelings down in the journal I'm keeping- but not once did I write that I was hungry. The food is spaced out every 3 (ish) hours or so. It better fits my schedule that way. I feel okay.
Before I left for work I had 2 cups of coffee- 2% milk-light.
For breakfast I had three strawberries, 3 cups green tea.
I had 2-16.9 oz bottles of water before lunch and one with replacing the usual diet beverage.
For lunch I had 100g. or 4oz. of beef tenderloin sauted in onions in water! No butter or oil allowed. I poured that micture over a green salad, chilled it and it was lovely and filling for lunch! No salad dressings of any kind allowed.
At 3pm I had three more strawberries. (9 makes an entire fruit so I broke them up)
Dinner was 100 g of shrimp, 2 cups of cucumber sliced, and the last three strawberries. It was a cool, filling dinner. I had a glass of ice water instead of my usual pink lemonade.
At 8pm I enjoyed a nice juicy apple, a large glass of water and then a hot shower. I enjoyed a little down time by myself and then off to bed.
I slept well and feel refreshed this morning (the 24th) You aren't going to believe this but I lost 5 pounds over night. That is what I gained on gorge plus some!!! Will blog about today later or tomorrow morning!
Hmmm...might work... ;-)
Before I left for work I had 2 cups of coffee- 2% milk-light.
For breakfast I had three strawberries, 3 cups green tea.
I had 2-16.9 oz bottles of water before lunch and one with replacing the usual diet beverage.
For lunch I had 100g. or 4oz. of beef tenderloin sauted in onions in water! No butter or oil allowed. I poured that micture over a green salad, chilled it and it was lovely and filling for lunch! No salad dressings of any kind allowed.
At 3pm I had three more strawberries. (9 makes an entire fruit so I broke them up)
Dinner was 100 g of shrimp, 2 cups of cucumber sliced, and the last three strawberries. It was a cool, filling dinner. I had a glass of ice water instead of my usual pink lemonade.
At 8pm I enjoyed a nice juicy apple, a large glass of water and then a hot shower. I enjoyed a little down time by myself and then off to bed.
I slept well and feel refreshed this morning (the 24th) You aren't going to believe this but I lost 5 pounds over night. That is what I gained on gorge plus some!!! Will blog about today later or tomorrow morning!
Hmmm...might work... ;-)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
June 22- Diet Blog
2ND Gorge Day- UG-UG-UG!!! Hated it. Hate myself. Feel awful. What's worse? The embarrassment of looking like-THIS and eating like THAT! Everyone saw. Another fat elephant throwing in the towel- holding up the whiteflag for all to see...(sigh) I've never felt worse. I ate all day, high fat foods, by the time work was over I was exhausted from putting so much crap into my body and then trying to haul this butt around. What a monstrosity! I'm so glad to be going back to a regimine tomorrow. I cannot handle this. At least I was trying before. People saw me eating like that too.
I dumped out the rest of my pink lemonade because water is the drink of choice for the next 30 days. Coffee and tea is fine. I took out my first package of weighed and frozen meat. 100 g. I will skillet sautee with onions and pour over a green salad with no dressing. That will be lunch. There are two fruits. I will break one in half so I can have three. Two meals-three snacks that way. For me, I know that works best.
I'm so glad that this day is over. I spiked 1 1/2 pounds in one day. UG!!! I never thought I'd be so thankful to go on a diet- a REAL diet again. I just want to feel better.
2 day Gorge diet objective- over eat-eat every two hours all day long full or not. Eat high fat. This will set your metabolism. Check...
Will keep you posted.
I dumped out the rest of my pink lemonade because water is the drink of choice for the next 30 days. Coffee and tea is fine. I took out my first package of weighed and frozen meat. 100 g. I will skillet sautee with onions and pour over a green salad with no dressing. That will be lunch. There are two fruits. I will break one in half so I can have three. Two meals-three snacks that way. For me, I know that works best.
I'm so glad that this day is over. I spiked 1 1/2 pounds in one day. UG!!! I never thought I'd be so thankful to go on a diet- a REAL diet again. I just want to feel better.
2 day Gorge diet objective- over eat-eat every two hours all day long full or not. Eat high fat. This will set your metabolism. Check...
Will keep you posted.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
June 21, First Day of Summer- Diet Blog
So, I've gained back all but a few pounds of my weight. I feel ugly and awful. I'm so tired of trying and then failing that I could scream. Still, I cannot give up. I have this picture in my head and I want to look like her. Soooo- "Finnegan, Let's BEGIN AGAIN..."
Though I cannot do the diet with the pregnancy meds that my sister in law uses, the doctor says that I can use the diet itself in EXACTLY the way it's supposed to be used.
I say that because the last time I began I jumped right in to the hard-strict part. Maybe that's why I failed.
The first day was today. I'm expected to drink 2 liters of water. No problem, that actually comes natural now. Then I'm expected to eat every two hours. Also no problem, I do that now too. BUT for the first two days of this diet I am expected to eat everything HIGH fat, alot of it, and still every two hours with water.
I thought: HMMM, sounds fun. I can do that. Its called 2 day Gorge. It supposedly resets your metabolism if you've been yo-yoing for awhile. I have. It may be why I'm failing, I was told.
So I embarked on Day 1 today. By the end of the day I was full, bloated, uncomfortable and felt like I would hurl if I saw one more fattening thing! I cannot BELIEVE they have me doing this for two solid days. It's the end of Day 1 and I want to die. I feel awful. I nearly passed out at my desk at work.
I didn't allow myself to go to bed. Instead I went grocery shopping after work, prepared the meats by weighing them out into 100 g portions and bagging them. They are in the freezer now, just waiting patiently for me. It felt so good to be buying them I feel like a fat house and I ate worse than I have in years.
One would think granting yourself permission to eat anything you want would be fun. Well they are right. The concept was fun and the doing was fun too until lunch time- then it was a burden- an uncomfortable phenomenon. I wonder if they do that so that you'll pray to diet, eat right and feel better.
Also, I MUST weigh in every day on this diet, log it and the food I consume. The diet part itself is limited (thankfully) and I will keep you apprised the best I can. UG tho- I feel awful. I made myself stay up until 9 because they say not to rearrange your schedule to much. Setting your metabolism correct depends on you maintaining the 'norm.'
Enjoy your night. I'm going to bed. I may fall asleep before I reach the top of the staircase.
Though I cannot do the diet with the pregnancy meds that my sister in law uses, the doctor says that I can use the diet itself in EXACTLY the way it's supposed to be used.
I say that because the last time I began I jumped right in to the hard-strict part. Maybe that's why I failed.
The first day was today. I'm expected to drink 2 liters of water. No problem, that actually comes natural now. Then I'm expected to eat every two hours. Also no problem, I do that now too. BUT for the first two days of this diet I am expected to eat everything HIGH fat, alot of it, and still every two hours with water.
I thought: HMMM, sounds fun. I can do that. Its called 2 day Gorge. It supposedly resets your metabolism if you've been yo-yoing for awhile. I have. It may be why I'm failing, I was told.
So I embarked on Day 1 today. By the end of the day I was full, bloated, uncomfortable and felt like I would hurl if I saw one more fattening thing! I cannot BELIEVE they have me doing this for two solid days. It's the end of Day 1 and I want to die. I feel awful. I nearly passed out at my desk at work.
I didn't allow myself to go to bed. Instead I went grocery shopping after work, prepared the meats by weighing them out into 100 g portions and bagging them. They are in the freezer now, just waiting patiently for me. It felt so good to be buying them I feel like a fat house and I ate worse than I have in years.
One would think granting yourself permission to eat anything you want would be fun. Well they are right. The concept was fun and the doing was fun too until lunch time- then it was a burden- an uncomfortable phenomenon. I wonder if they do that so that you'll pray to diet, eat right and feel better.
Also, I MUST weigh in every day on this diet, log it and the food I consume. The diet part itself is limited (thankfully) and I will keep you apprised the best I can. UG tho- I feel awful. I made myself stay up until 9 because they say not to rearrange your schedule to much. Setting your metabolism correct depends on you maintaining the 'norm.'
Enjoy your night. I'm going to bed. I may fall asleep before I reach the top of the staircase.
Monday, May 30, 2011
May 30, 2011 Memorial Day, Diet Blog
It's been a whirl wind weekend. I did mass mailings for the book through email and snail mail, I made calls tried to set up talks...whew! Then it was fun in the sun by the town pool for the weekend. I never made it over to see my Surrogate Grand Daughter because my husbands 50th birthday was Saturday and he wasn't up to it on Sunday. It's fine. Her maternal Grandma was there with her family anyway, so I would have felt like an intruder.
During the week one of the girls at work told me that every extra pound of body weight puts 4 pounds of pressure on your joints. I don't know if that is accurate or not, but it sure feels accurate. My joints ache- especially since I put back on so much of the lost weight. Which brings us to the current pool experience...
I've been solid on the diet for 7 straight days. The scale is unkind and the weight hasn't moved as quickly as I'd like it to. It comes on so fast. I don't see why it won't come off just as fast. That concept has always seemed strange to me, and is accompanied by sheer frustration. Anyway, I'm bigger than I was last year at this time but smaller than previous years. I felt so big and so fat that it was horrible. I kept to myself most of the time, only going out into the open when the heat got so overwhelming that I couldn't bare it. I just kept repeating to myself, you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. I know that I am right about that, still its so awful to be fat and ugly. I hate it. There were beautiful people there, some not so beautiful, a few worse than me. I thought I'd be thin by now. The worst part is that I did it to myself. Why?
My sister in law was there too. She looked absolutely stunning in her leopard bathing suit on Saturday and then her red one on Sunday. She's lost 52 pounds and I absolutely hail and applaude her. She used that HCG diet. (Not sure that I got the letters right- its a pregnancy hormone. You may remember me mentioning it in the past.) I love her but she tries to push this thing at me. I have no uterus. Taking those drops will not be good for me my doctor said. I did ask. (Not to mention the $600 it cost her per diet and she's done 3 sessions) I just forged ahead on what I know is tried and true for me. She looks amazing. I will too, but without drugs and without any kind of costs other than food and new clothes. The latter being one of my favorite things to do when I'm thinner. It was all so depressing. I feel so ugly. I hate feeling this way. I tell no one but this blog. I just continue on. I paste a smile, I participate in conversation, underneath I always feel less than.
I'm struggling along, but I think I've got a lock on it. In the past I chose a cheat day to work towards. My birthday is June 6 but I want it to be further away than that. I'll keep you posted on what I decide, but for right now I just want to stay the course.
I'll sign off here. Enjoy your day everyone!
During the week one of the girls at work told me that every extra pound of body weight puts 4 pounds of pressure on your joints. I don't know if that is accurate or not, but it sure feels accurate. My joints ache- especially since I put back on so much of the lost weight. Which brings us to the current pool experience...
I've been solid on the diet for 7 straight days. The scale is unkind and the weight hasn't moved as quickly as I'd like it to. It comes on so fast. I don't see why it won't come off just as fast. That concept has always seemed strange to me, and is accompanied by sheer frustration. Anyway, I'm bigger than I was last year at this time but smaller than previous years. I felt so big and so fat that it was horrible. I kept to myself most of the time, only going out into the open when the heat got so overwhelming that I couldn't bare it. I just kept repeating to myself, you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. I know that I am right about that, still its so awful to be fat and ugly. I hate it. There were beautiful people there, some not so beautiful, a few worse than me. I thought I'd be thin by now. The worst part is that I did it to myself. Why?
My sister in law was there too. She looked absolutely stunning in her leopard bathing suit on Saturday and then her red one on Sunday. She's lost 52 pounds and I absolutely hail and applaude her. She used that HCG diet. (Not sure that I got the letters right- its a pregnancy hormone. You may remember me mentioning it in the past.) I love her but she tries to push this thing at me. I have no uterus. Taking those drops will not be good for me my doctor said. I did ask. (Not to mention the $600 it cost her per diet and she's done 3 sessions) I just forged ahead on what I know is tried and true for me. She looks amazing. I will too, but without drugs and without any kind of costs other than food and new clothes. The latter being one of my favorite things to do when I'm thinner. It was all so depressing. I feel so ugly. I hate feeling this way. I tell no one but this blog. I just continue on. I paste a smile, I participate in conversation, underneath I always feel less than.
I'm struggling along, but I think I've got a lock on it. In the past I chose a cheat day to work towards. My birthday is June 6 but I want it to be further away than that. I'll keep you posted on what I decide, but for right now I just want to stay the course.
I'll sign off here. Enjoy your day everyone!
Monday, May 16, 2011
May 16, 2011 Diet Blog
Lost 2 pounds since I began on Wednesday of last week. It hasn't been a full week yet, but I'm not bloated like I was. Clearly it was water weight, but I don't care. I'm just happy about it. I haven't got a complete lock on things yet though. My son got his Master's Degree on Saturday and the following celebration dinner was held at an Italian place. I portion controlled but had a bit of everything, because Italian Food is by and far the favorite food of this home girl! Still, I did okay. It was hard to pull myself back into mode on Sunday but I curbed it then too. So, it would seem that- in the spirit of what I know works best- that I have to make a plan on weekends. My husband dives every weekend- so I'm lonely which is bad. For some reason I'm crying a lot lately. I think it has to do with the loneliness. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but we can be in the same room and he's completely oblivious to anything other than his phone , the TV or his dive magazines. It's like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him of any kind these days. For me- that the equivalent of torture. I cry because- and this is serious- I think loving him might not sustain our relationship for another three decades. I cry because I feel helpless and it's severe. I'm lonely whether he's home or not but its mostly not. He literally dives every weekend all summer long. He dove on Mother's Day- I spent that with his sister and the kids by myself- he dove on the day of the graduation dinner for our son- he showed up late. This week he goes to Florida for four days to dive...and I'm expected to be the dutiful little house Frau that sits at home, cleans the house and anxiously awaits his return. I'm expected to respond to advances that my emotions won't allow me to. Does he know? I'm not sure. I tell him, but its like he doesn't hear me. He hounds me at 5am every day and as I climb into bed for the night to meet his physical needs, but that's it. I feel like I'm all alone- all of the time. I'm pretty sure that this is what is at the base of my current weight issue. It's just awful. Still- I'm set on losing this weight for me. Not for him. I don't think he actually sees me anyway.
And so, with my chin up, I enter the day happier, because at least at work- people speak to me. If I'm not there, they notice. I really feel like I don't ask for much. I don't have diamonds a or fancy clothes, I wouldn't want a fur...the bathroom is still unfinished and the rest of the house is early 1970's, I can't even get him to read my book... but for me- I want to do this. No one else will take care of me so I need to. Sarah Ferguson met with Oprah for Season 25 to promote her new show. Oprah said that "you can't forgive yourself until you learn that you cannot change the past." I found that to be so profound. How many people live like I do, stalked by a past that they had no control over, can never change and still suffer over? Too many to count. Guilt over any acts in the past- same thing! The past cannot be changed. We have to start from this spot and mover forward- not just with our lives, but with our health and yes, with the diet. There's another saying "live in the moment." That's kind of what I say in this blog. You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. We really ARE in this (life) together- so lets make the best of it together! See you next blog.
And so, with my chin up, I enter the day happier, because at least at work- people speak to me. If I'm not there, they notice. I really feel like I don't ask for much. I don't have diamonds a or fancy clothes, I wouldn't want a fur...the bathroom is still unfinished and the rest of the house is early 1970's, I can't even get him to read my book... but for me- I want to do this. No one else will take care of me so I need to. Sarah Ferguson met with Oprah for Season 25 to promote her new show. Oprah said that "you can't forgive yourself until you learn that you cannot change the past." I found that to be so profound. How many people live like I do, stalked by a past that they had no control over, can never change and still suffer over? Too many to count. Guilt over any acts in the past- same thing! The past cannot be changed. We have to start from this spot and mover forward- not just with our lives, but with our health and yes, with the diet. There's another saying "live in the moment." That's kind of what I say in this blog. You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. We really ARE in this (life) together- so lets make the best of it together! See you next blog.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
May 10,2011 Diet Blog
Haven't actually dieted but have gained some control of the reigns. I've made the decision to go back to what was 'tried and true.' In other words- what worked for me. I seemed to go askew when I changed to my sister-in-laws diet. I did okay then went to Memphis---and THAT was all she wrote, so to speak. It's gotten so far out of hand that my clothes are completely uncomfortable. SO it's time to get back to the business of doing the right thing. That diet is great...for her. Me? It didn't work for. I'm going back to the basics and just eating to feel un-hungry, and eating for health. THAT is what works for me-though a MUCH slower process. Not that my sister-in-law doesn't look FABULOUS. She absolutely does- BUT I do not. It was working the older way- even on trips and that type of thing- so I'm going for it! Tonight I hit the grocery store and then I'm on track!
The weird thing about it is that I'm actually happy. In thinking about it, I have always 'handled' my negative emotions with food as the comfort for them. How weird is it that I would use food to 'master' the happy ones? I'm really not used to them. I think that I'm meant to do what I'm doing with the books and the talks. It feels SO right, though I'm no where near my potential yet. I think that I'm on a learning curve there...and here...still.
Anyway- I promised to keep you informed and be honest about the struggle- so there it is. Reality. In Black and white print.
I'm still not feeling my best from the weekend. It was Mother's Day. I was alone. I saw my son Saturday, which was lovely, and my husband was diving. So, I had the actual Sunday of Mother's Day, alone. My sis in law (bless her heart) wasn't having any of it. She wouldn't take no for an answer and invited me over. We were outside all day. I have never had 'allergies' until last year. Monday morning I woke up with my eyes literally caked shut, nausea and the biggest headache I've ever had. There was a fire place thing going the whole day too. It seemed like no matter where I moved- the smoke followed me. My throat was also raw. The combo of the two things left me in trouble the next morning. I HAD to call in, which I despise doing on a Monday or Friday- but I couldn't see well. Today -Tuesday- I'm feeling better and heading in.
So on that note let me just remind us all that WE LOOK THE BEST WE CAN FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WE WILL BE THAT MUCH BETTER. DO NOT LET OUR BODIES< OR RATHER OUR INTERPRETATION OF THEM TO GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GOOD TIME. STAY POSITIVE! WE ARE NOT ALONE- WE HAVE EACH OTHER! Enjoy your day/night...;-)
The weird thing about it is that I'm actually happy. In thinking about it, I have always 'handled' my negative emotions with food as the comfort for them. How weird is it that I would use food to 'master' the happy ones? I'm really not used to them. I think that I'm meant to do what I'm doing with the books and the talks. It feels SO right, though I'm no where near my potential yet. I think that I'm on a learning curve there...and here...still.
Anyway- I promised to keep you informed and be honest about the struggle- so there it is. Reality. In Black and white print.
I'm still not feeling my best from the weekend. It was Mother's Day. I was alone. I saw my son Saturday, which was lovely, and my husband was diving. So, I had the actual Sunday of Mother's Day, alone. My sis in law (bless her heart) wasn't having any of it. She wouldn't take no for an answer and invited me over. We were outside all day. I have never had 'allergies' until last year. Monday morning I woke up with my eyes literally caked shut, nausea and the biggest headache I've ever had. There was a fire place thing going the whole day too. It seemed like no matter where I moved- the smoke followed me. My throat was also raw. The combo of the two things left me in trouble the next morning. I HAD to call in, which I despise doing on a Monday or Friday- but I couldn't see well. Today -Tuesday- I'm feeling better and heading in.
So on that note let me just remind us all that WE LOOK THE BEST WE CAN FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WE WILL BE THAT MUCH BETTER. DO NOT LET OUR BODIES< OR RATHER OUR INTERPRETATION OF THEM TO GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GOOD TIME. STAY POSITIVE! WE ARE NOT ALONE- WE HAVE EACH OTHER! Enjoy your day/night...;-)
Friday, May 6, 2011
May 6 2011 Diet Blog
Hi. It's been awhile. I'm sorry about that. If you feel as if I've deserted or abandoned you, I admit that I did. I have been on a complete downward spiral-weight wise myself. I've put back on about 15 pounds of what was lost and the more I gained, the more ashamed I was to come back on here and tell you that I'd lost control again. I've heard that it's an addiction of sorts- this eating for comfort thing. It's every bit as hard to quit eating badly as it is to stop smoking, drinking, or abusing narcotics. Funny...I never thought of it that way. I do know that those other things are abused at the low points-frightened points- sad points- scared, frustrated, hurt points...just like I do with food. Bad foods.
So I'm back. I'm not as strong, but once again, I'm going to take the reigns and get back to the business of taking care of me. Someone needs to do it- dirty job that it is, right? Right now I loath myself...I hate the spare tire just under my chest. It's so big that my bras cut into it and leave burn lines across it- painful ones. My but is rippled with cellulite as well as my legs. Not that I was ever really pretty, but I was certainly better than this and I want to feel that again.
The symptoms? It's hard to explain. The book is doing okay- though I give more of the money away than I actually make. That's a good thing and I'm not sorry, but in my life I feel like 'why isn't it happening quicker?' and 'Why must I work so hard for every drop of it, and people like that idiot Charlie Sheen throw it away and label themselves 'winning' while making fools out of themselves? Why were THOSE people born into it, yet refuse to see how lucky they are? I mean there are some wonderful people out there who use fame and resourses to help the world be a better place for others, but the fools are the ones we see. Like I tell people, I do not understand God or the Universe or what the plan is- I can only explain me...I want to find BIG fame, and resourses yes...then I want to use those to make the world a better place too. Along the way I have helped out others not involving SIDS and I'm so glad that I could do that. It's a hard climb though. I'm fighting the good fight.
The book thing, as I said is going well. I cannot quit my day job because I'm at a loss money wise because not only is the cost high, I've given most of the proceeds to needs of others. It's a hard climb and I experience the gamit of emotions depending upon the moment. I've been comforting myself with food.... got to change that somehow.
I feel disconnected with myself lately. I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. I see someone who is not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough...why? I have no idea why. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things. Still, 'she' doesn't measure up in my heart, my mind or my eyes. How does one change that? THAT is what's wrong with me. ALL of this other stuff is just stuff. If I could change that, I think the 'symptoms' would subside.
I'm so disconnected with myself that I can't even cry. I need to cry. My eyes well up but I squash it. It's not a purposeful act, it's just what I'm doing. I guess it's my mind stepping up in a survival tactic so that I won't fall apart. I can't right now. I don't have time. Work all day, school at night, book stuff- massive in between, not to mention family, husband, house etc...you guys know. I don't have to spell it out. My emotions are locked down. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It's gotten strong- the lock, though.
I did a book talk at a University the other day. It was not my usual venue. They wanted me to talk about what inspires me as a writer. (You can find it on youtube by putting in my name and the title of the book.) Anyway, the place was packed with young, brilliant minds and professors. I don't even have my degree yet. I was so honored to have been asked. I told in detail about my background. The people were moved and touched or so they said. I signed books, I GAVE each of the near dozen student staff members one as a gift, signed of course. I liked doing that. My husband showed up at this one. It's the first he's ever been to. I'm glad it was one like this one was, done in such a classy way on such a grand scale. He took the video for me and Blairstown buddy (remember her) did the stills. My searcher vault friend and her husband showed up as well as my son's ex boss. It was nice. It went well. So then why I ask you, did my husband then yell at me for two solid days? He yelled about me asking for help getting the video edited and up on to the youtube. I tried first to do it myself. I struggled for hours. He is computer oriented. Still, he acted like I was asking him to cut his arm off. Together as a TEAM effort, we figured it out. I actually found a way on to the site when he could not- so it wasn't like I sat back and put my feet up. I didn't cry- which is normally what I would've done. Instead I just stared at him. I actually admit to you- I FELT myself disconnect. I haven't been able to reconnect...I'm a little scared. I've been eating out of control- worse than ever since. I'm scared for me. My emotions are here but they are 'next' to me, we are not one. I think when I gain control of my diet and my self esteem they will come back inside me. Right now, the damage must be devastating and it's my way of staying sane.
The same thing happened when 'Dad' used to beat me. Often he'd make up a reason. I was ugly he said. He beat me often for that. My mom has red hair but could never understand why I hate it so. She says its her best trait. I look alot like her. I think he was beating her...but it was me. Do you understand? I would scream so that he thought he was hurting me, but really I watched from beside.
So, now you know where I'm at. I need desperatly to 'pull myself together.' I will keep you posted. I think this blog actually helped me before. Hopefully it will again. Have a great day/ night everyone. See you next blog!
So I'm back. I'm not as strong, but once again, I'm going to take the reigns and get back to the business of taking care of me. Someone needs to do it- dirty job that it is, right? Right now I loath myself...I hate the spare tire just under my chest. It's so big that my bras cut into it and leave burn lines across it- painful ones. My but is rippled with cellulite as well as my legs. Not that I was ever really pretty, but I was certainly better than this and I want to feel that again.
The symptoms? It's hard to explain. The book is doing okay- though I give more of the money away than I actually make. That's a good thing and I'm not sorry, but in my life I feel like 'why isn't it happening quicker?' and 'Why must I work so hard for every drop of it, and people like that idiot Charlie Sheen throw it away and label themselves 'winning' while making fools out of themselves? Why were THOSE people born into it, yet refuse to see how lucky they are? I mean there are some wonderful people out there who use fame and resourses to help the world be a better place for others, but the fools are the ones we see. Like I tell people, I do not understand God or the Universe or what the plan is- I can only explain me...I want to find BIG fame, and resourses yes...then I want to use those to make the world a better place too. Along the way I have helped out others not involving SIDS and I'm so glad that I could do that. It's a hard climb though. I'm fighting the good fight.
The book thing, as I said is going well. I cannot quit my day job because I'm at a loss money wise because not only is the cost high, I've given most of the proceeds to needs of others. It's a hard climb and I experience the gamit of emotions depending upon the moment. I've been comforting myself with food.... got to change that somehow.
I feel disconnected with myself lately. I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. I see someone who is not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough...why? I have no idea why. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things. Still, 'she' doesn't measure up in my heart, my mind or my eyes. How does one change that? THAT is what's wrong with me. ALL of this other stuff is just stuff. If I could change that, I think the 'symptoms' would subside.
I'm so disconnected with myself that I can't even cry. I need to cry. My eyes well up but I squash it. It's not a purposeful act, it's just what I'm doing. I guess it's my mind stepping up in a survival tactic so that I won't fall apart. I can't right now. I don't have time. Work all day, school at night, book stuff- massive in between, not to mention family, husband, house etc...you guys know. I don't have to spell it out. My emotions are locked down. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It's gotten strong- the lock, though.
I did a book talk at a University the other day. It was not my usual venue. They wanted me to talk about what inspires me as a writer. (You can find it on youtube by putting in my name and the title of the book.) Anyway, the place was packed with young, brilliant minds and professors. I don't even have my degree yet. I was so honored to have been asked. I told in detail about my background. The people were moved and touched or so they said. I signed books, I GAVE each of the near dozen student staff members one as a gift, signed of course. I liked doing that. My husband showed up at this one. It's the first he's ever been to. I'm glad it was one like this one was, done in such a classy way on such a grand scale. He took the video for me and Blairstown buddy (remember her) did the stills. My searcher vault friend and her husband showed up as well as my son's ex boss. It was nice. It went well. So then why I ask you, did my husband then yell at me for two solid days? He yelled about me asking for help getting the video edited and up on to the youtube. I tried first to do it myself. I struggled for hours. He is computer oriented. Still, he acted like I was asking him to cut his arm off. Together as a TEAM effort, we figured it out. I actually found a way on to the site when he could not- so it wasn't like I sat back and put my feet up. I didn't cry- which is normally what I would've done. Instead I just stared at him. I actually admit to you- I FELT myself disconnect. I haven't been able to reconnect...I'm a little scared. I've been eating out of control- worse than ever since. I'm scared for me. My emotions are here but they are 'next' to me, we are not one. I think when I gain control of my diet and my self esteem they will come back inside me. Right now, the damage must be devastating and it's my way of staying sane.
The same thing happened when 'Dad' used to beat me. Often he'd make up a reason. I was ugly he said. He beat me often for that. My mom has red hair but could never understand why I hate it so. She says its her best trait. I look alot like her. I think he was beating her...but it was me. Do you understand? I would scream so that he thought he was hurting me, but really I watched from beside.
So, now you know where I'm at. I need desperatly to 'pull myself together.' I will keep you posted. I think this blog actually helped me before. Hopefully it will again. Have a great day/ night everyone. See you next blog!
Monday, March 28, 2011
March 28, 2011 Diet Blog
Well, I've not been able to maintain more than a solid week on the diet since like- February I think. It's depressing- upsetting and frustrating. I want to. I just can't seem to pull up the darn will power anymore. I wonder why that is? I'm just so overwhelmed by it all. I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and just ... oh I don't know... I wouldn't be happy that way either. So, once again I'm going to get back on the horse-so to speak. Yes- I really do take my own advice. I believe if I keep on "going for it" it will happen, just like I believe that my books will bring me the fame and fortuine I need to make a difference in saving the lives of babies.... I'm a dream chaser...no doubt. And so "finnigan...Let's begin again..." And I'm off on Day 1- The Sequel of Sequels! My hand in God's- an Angel on my shoulders...and hope in my heart... Good Luck to you today also...xo
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
March 16, 2011 Diet Blog
I ask you...will it ever end? And I ask that with a huge depressed sigh on the end of the sentence. I worry about EVERYTHING. Japan had volcanic activity, which caused an earthquake, which caused a Tsunami that devastated the nation. The water has receded but left three nuclear power plants leaking radiation. There's been explosions. The West Coast of the United States is now threatened...I ask you...did NO ONE in that technologically sound haven foresee this? Why weren't those plants built more stable? I have friends on the West Coast, and people I care about in Hawaii and Japan. I'm worried.
At work, the second in command was 'let go.' I wonder if I'm next, or what reason will be found to get rid of me too. It seems okay. The third in command stopped at my desk to reassure me after the second was 'let go.' I felt better after that. I worry about the second though. He is in a very bad downward spiral. I pray he gets help and does not take his own life.
On the home front I noticed that I'm very lonely lately. I'm in the same room with my husband but he doesn't talk to me. I ask questions and he answers them, but he doesn't carry the conversation further unless I push it. I mentioned my feeling on this the other day and he talked to me for a few minutes about his day and then went back to playing with his new phone. It's a droid. It looks like a fun piece of machinery. I have the cheap little flip phone and it works just fine. I resorted to asking him questions about the phone. He answered. But only that.
My son called me with big news. I have to admit that my head went right to 'baby.' but it was that he changed his job. He'll be making $12,000 more a year. I'm so proud of him. He is focused and determined. (I wonder where he got THAT from LOL.)
My sister-in-law is at her goal. She looks amazing and I'm so happy for her. She tried to get me to do that HCG stuff because she found it on line for $18.00. My doctor said it's not good. Especially for me with my medical history. I did check. Still, I wanted to do it soully on eating the right foods, being healthy and being able to maintain forever. She's having better luck than me though, or at least it feels that way.
I get so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of stress, over work and under pay, I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of taking care of people and NEVER being taken care of... I guess I needed to vent, but that's ALL part of why that chocolate and that candy finds its way to my hips.
I made jello for the 'sweet tooth' struggle. The days are good, its the nights I have an issue with because I CAN cheat. I don't want to. I don't want to be fat for another summer.
There is a brighter note as of yesterday though. One of my co workers asked how the book thing is going. I told her that I had written to Dr. Oz that morning and sent the clip of the news show and the youtube link to the actual talk. SHE knows his nurse Carol Reed or Russo- up close and personal since she was a little girl. She's going to call the nurse! I'm so excited about that! I need to take this thing to the next level. I wrote Oprah, Ellen, The View, Today Show, Good Morning America, All of the Tristate area news shows, the local news shows, newspapers big and local, magazines...ANYONE I could think of. I am trying to make it huge. It's my dream. I need the fame and fortune to make it happen.... Sometimes though...I wonder if it ever will. Then I remember how far I've come. It's finally moving forward! It's what I dream of.
So now you know where my head is at, and you're all caught up. I'm in total stress/depress mode looking for the exit hatch. I'll keep you informed best I can.
At work, the second in command was 'let go.' I wonder if I'm next, or what reason will be found to get rid of me too. It seems okay. The third in command stopped at my desk to reassure me after the second was 'let go.' I felt better after that. I worry about the second though. He is in a very bad downward spiral. I pray he gets help and does not take his own life.
On the home front I noticed that I'm very lonely lately. I'm in the same room with my husband but he doesn't talk to me. I ask questions and he answers them, but he doesn't carry the conversation further unless I push it. I mentioned my feeling on this the other day and he talked to me for a few minutes about his day and then went back to playing with his new phone. It's a droid. It looks like a fun piece of machinery. I have the cheap little flip phone and it works just fine. I resorted to asking him questions about the phone. He answered. But only that.
My son called me with big news. I have to admit that my head went right to 'baby.' but it was that he changed his job. He'll be making $12,000 more a year. I'm so proud of him. He is focused and determined. (I wonder where he got THAT from LOL.)
My sister-in-law is at her goal. She looks amazing and I'm so happy for her. She tried to get me to do that HCG stuff because she found it on line for $18.00. My doctor said it's not good. Especially for me with my medical history. I did check. Still, I wanted to do it soully on eating the right foods, being healthy and being able to maintain forever. She's having better luck than me though, or at least it feels that way.
I get so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of stress, over work and under pay, I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of taking care of people and NEVER being taken care of... I guess I needed to vent, but that's ALL part of why that chocolate and that candy finds its way to my hips.
I made jello for the 'sweet tooth' struggle. The days are good, its the nights I have an issue with because I CAN cheat. I don't want to. I don't want to be fat for another summer.
There is a brighter note as of yesterday though. One of my co workers asked how the book thing is going. I told her that I had written to Dr. Oz that morning and sent the clip of the news show and the youtube link to the actual talk. SHE knows his nurse Carol Reed or Russo- up close and personal since she was a little girl. She's going to call the nurse! I'm so excited about that! I need to take this thing to the next level. I wrote Oprah, Ellen, The View, Today Show, Good Morning America, All of the Tristate area news shows, the local news shows, newspapers big and local, magazines...ANYONE I could think of. I am trying to make it huge. It's my dream. I need the fame and fortune to make it happen.... Sometimes though...I wonder if it ever will. Then I remember how far I've come. It's finally moving forward! It's what I dream of.
So now you know where my head is at, and you're all caught up. I'm in total stress/depress mode looking for the exit hatch. I'll keep you informed best I can.
Monday, March 14, 2011
March 14, 2011 Diet Blog
OK- so I'm getting back on track. I do trip up, but I'm still out there trying, and as I've said so many times to you...it's OK if we fall. The trick is to get back up again. Begin now- this minute. So, I am forging ahead...the pace is slow...mine....
You may remember that I mentioned the 2nd in command at work expressing death wishes to me in confidence. You may also remember how upset and emotionally taxed I was over it. He hasn't been back to work since that time. I ask of him from time to time. He is alive, or so I've heard. Last week we were told "if anyone calls he is no longer with this office..." I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My first reaction was "OMG. Is he dead?" I didn't voice it. I swallowed it- and then cheated. A few days before that the big boss would not accept his phone call from the 2nd in command. He made no bones about saying no to the call. It was clear that an issue was occurring. Now this news.... He is not dead, thankfully. He phoned my front desk co-worker that is in the back now too at home! That's REALLY off the mark. He is not supposed to do that even in the best of circumstances. But at least I know he's alive. She was upset. She also went to the supervisor. She told me because we are friends and I voiced my fear to her. She carries the same fear about him. We are worried. He could be a pompous, arrogant jerk, but he's still a human being, and CLEARLY he is in crisis...we just can't figure out why? What triggered it?
The aftermath of the Memphis Tour has been SO positive. I'm very excited and continue to dream the dream. If you are inclined to include that in your prayers, I would be very grateful. And so...ON WITH the day! See you next blog!
You may remember that I mentioned the 2nd in command at work expressing death wishes to me in confidence. You may also remember how upset and emotionally taxed I was over it. He hasn't been back to work since that time. I ask of him from time to time. He is alive, or so I've heard. Last week we were told "if anyone calls he is no longer with this office..." I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My first reaction was "OMG. Is he dead?" I didn't voice it. I swallowed it- and then cheated. A few days before that the big boss would not accept his phone call from the 2nd in command. He made no bones about saying no to the call. It was clear that an issue was occurring. Now this news.... He is not dead, thankfully. He phoned my front desk co-worker that is in the back now too at home! That's REALLY off the mark. He is not supposed to do that even in the best of circumstances. But at least I know he's alive. She was upset. She also went to the supervisor. She told me because we are friends and I voiced my fear to her. She carries the same fear about him. We are worried. He could be a pompous, arrogant jerk, but he's still a human being, and CLEARLY he is in crisis...we just can't figure out why? What triggered it?
The aftermath of the Memphis Tour has been SO positive. I'm very excited and continue to dream the dream. If you are inclined to include that in your prayers, I would be very grateful. And so...ON WITH the day! See you next blog!
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