Things are calming back down at long last. The insurance company is fixing the car. My friend from Florida seems in much better spirits- me? I'm leery but moving forward. I may have put myself too far out 'there' for him. It's a lesson that I've not yet retained in my life. Maybe I got it this time. I pulled the reins in a bit to protect myself. Two wrongs don't make a right and compounding an existing problem by creating another one to blanket it is not a good idea either. I will be a good friend- same as always, but the closeness that I felt- the kindred spirit kind of thing, is gone. I don't need this lesson taught the hard way... I've had about all of the hard lessons I care to in this life time if you get my drift...I'm moving forward now, this spot isn't good for me, and for once, I'm doing what's good for me.
I continue to see and feel angels around me. In discussing this matter with a friend the other day I realize that many 'signs' like this come to me because I ask so much for them to come. It was a revelation of sorts. I need to know and feel that they are around me, so I'm granted that knowledge. Maybe others less 'believing?' for lack of a better word, don't need it so they are granted whatever it is that they do need. I've had a hard life from birth til about 35 or so. I've ALWAYS seen them as I needed to. I've decided to try and accept that and again, move past anyone Else's opinion. Mine is the one that counts for me...theirs only counts for them. By George! I think I've got it! Finally!
I'm dealing with everything. My husband and I have had our problems as has every other couple, but I'm not ready to throw the towel in. We've been together for a very long time. That may or may not be part of the problem. Either way, moving forward from this spot too is the plan. I have to talk to him. Communication is the key. He is less than sensitive to my needs- so maybe things will be better if I just spell my needs out. That way there won't be room for error in this area.
The key to all of it seems to be not getting bogged down into the muck of the situations life throws at me. One friend said that they felt that so much mud was slung at me all at the same time as 'the devil doing his thing to undermine a good person.' I liked the sentence of course because I was depicted in it as the good person, but in giving it thought- I cannot help but wonder if there is some truth to it. That is the way evil would work to undermine good, isn't it? ...And I do try so hard to be good....
I'm consciously trying to accept myself 'as is.' Physically, I am trying to improve...and I want to improve myself in every aspect that I'm able, but I mean that I'm trying to let myself just be me while doing that and not let the opinions of others weigh so heavily on my assessment of myself. I have to remember that MY opinion counts too.
On that note- I am at day 6 and going strong diet wise. I look better than I did and I'm so happy about that. I want to look even better. I'm reaching for the Valentine's Day goal, one day at a time. That's how I did it according to my previous blogs. The advice was good. It's working again. I'm up to the task.
One thing I want to mention is DIET JELLO! It is excellent for deterring a sweet tooth, you can have as much of it as your tummy can hold and it's wonderful for your hair and nails. And MMMMM...tasty too! LOL!
Tell me about you. How are you doing? How is your progress? I'm glad to have company on this long and bumpy road. Let's do this thing! See you next blog! ;-)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
January 21, 2011 Diet Blog
Going into Day 5 successfully. Am forging ahead with the goal of Valentines Day in sight. I also pulled out an old skirt that I wore to England years ago. It's a short one. but recently a male friend commented that I have great legs. Though the comment stunned me at the time and I couldn't hide quick enough, I didn't mind that someone noticed me in that manner. It seems so long since a gentleman said something like that. I am married and don't step outside of that, don't get me wrong...its just nice to know that someone looked. Does that make sense?
I was listening to the Bronsen and Christine show the other morning in my car on the way to work. They had Dr. Oz on. He has an 11 week diet and exercise plan that you can download off of his site (Dr.Oz.com) for free. I'm going to check it out later. Maybe it'll help give someone reading this a kick start. They did say that writing down what you eat is huge in assisting the diet process. Admitting what you ate can actually deter it. Funny huh?
My sister in law hit her goal this week. I'm VERY proud of her. Now she's going to maintain for a month or so and then go back on it. She is doctor supervised. She looks lovely. WE CAN TOO!
The Memphis Book event is getting huge according to my daughter's Godmother. It's very exciting for me! Could THIS be the catalyst for my books and my dreams to become reality? I certainly am praying for that.
I talked to my friend from Florida. The conversation was long and light, just the way that it used to be. I'm glad we moved past the 'fight' in Florida. I still feel leery- but I'm trying to just forget about it and keep on this new path.
The karate school is relocating. Essentially that means that the school I've known as home throughout my life in New Jersey will close forever more. I'm so sad for that. I 'grew up there,' if you can understand that. For me- that will be a very hard day.
I'm babysitting for my 'Surrogate' grand daughter tonight. Her mother and my daughter that passed away share the same bitterest. Her husband doesn't have a mother. I naturally stepped right in. I adore her...all three of them, and the baby calls me Grandma- or she will when she can talk lol!So that's everything for now. I hope that you are all doing well and will join me right this second on the path to better health. In the mean time remember: You look as good as you can for today! Tomorrow you will look THAT MUCH BETTER! Don't let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. You are not alone. And stop beating up yourself for a past you cannot change. Begin now- the future you CAN change! We are in this together! See you next Blog!
I was listening to the Bronsen and Christine show the other morning in my car on the way to work. They had Dr. Oz on. He has an 11 week diet and exercise plan that you can download off of his site (Dr.Oz.com) for free. I'm going to check it out later. Maybe it'll help give someone reading this a kick start. They did say that writing down what you eat is huge in assisting the diet process. Admitting what you ate can actually deter it. Funny huh?
My sister in law hit her goal this week. I'm VERY proud of her. Now she's going to maintain for a month or so and then go back on it. She is doctor supervised. She looks lovely. WE CAN TOO!
The Memphis Book event is getting huge according to my daughter's Godmother. It's very exciting for me! Could THIS be the catalyst for my books and my dreams to become reality? I certainly am praying for that.
I talked to my friend from Florida. The conversation was long and light, just the way that it used to be. I'm glad we moved past the 'fight' in Florida. I still feel leery- but I'm trying to just forget about it and keep on this new path.
The karate school is relocating. Essentially that means that the school I've known as home throughout my life in New Jersey will close forever more. I'm so sad for that. I 'grew up there,' if you can understand that. For me- that will be a very hard day.
I'm babysitting for my 'Surrogate' grand daughter tonight. Her mother and my daughter that passed away share the same bitterest. Her husband doesn't have a mother. I naturally stepped right in. I adore her...all three of them, and the baby calls me Grandma- or she will when she can talk lol!So that's everything for now. I hope that you are all doing well and will join me right this second on the path to better health. In the mean time remember: You look as good as you can for today! Tomorrow you will look THAT MUCH BETTER! Don't let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. You are not alone. And stop beating up yourself for a past you cannot change. Begin now- the future you CAN change! We are in this together! See you next Blog!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
January 18, 2011 Diet Blog
Okay, so today was a better day. I read my old blogs and discovered that I repeatedly gave the advice to forgive yourself for a past you cannot change and mistakes you cannot undo. I told everyone to start fresh in this moment even if they'd just finished 'cheating' on their diet. I said to take things one step at a time; one day at a time and break it down into hours and minutes if necessary...seconds if needed. I set little goals for myself. I'm setting a cheat day for Valentine's Day. I'm going to give myself permission to have whatever I want on that day, and then the day after Valentine's Day, I set another goal. So that's where I'm going. I'm following my own good advice.
It was hard to get myself going this morning. I felt defeated before I even began the day. It was a total struggle to get down the two flights of stairs to the basement for a shower not to mention getting out of bed at all. It was cold too. It snowed again. My husband went out to shovel the skirt of the driveway and clear off the cars. I actually said thank you to him for doing that. Last year I did it all by myself- A LOT. I thanked him too soon. He's been neglectful lately.
He forgot to do my car, so I scapped the ice encrusted windows to the best of my ability and headed out. I can't be mad. I can do it. It's just that he announced that he would and accepted my gratitude and then didn't follow through so it left my time schedule off.
My mind was reeling though. I played back the few nights that I've been home. The other night when I arrived at the airport two days late, he had fallen asleep and I had to call and wake him up for a ride home. I had no coat and it was freezing so I stood behind the taxi stand right outside of door 5. He couldn't see me and then couldn't getthe car all of the way in. He got angry and literally threw my suitcase into the car like a maniac, complaining in a mean way. I'm surprised he didn't break it he threw it so hard. After heaving it in he slammed the door with such brute force it sounded like a fire cracker. I was shocked. Up until that moment I was SO very happy to be back.
All of the way home he ranted and raved about traffic. Finally I said, "When I pick you up from all of your trips I at least smile." I said it sarcastically. He stopped ranting but it was too late. Then as we were driving down the frozen tundra of the highway he demanded a kiss. I said when we stopped I'd give him one and I did, but my heart wasn't in it. I feel so lost sometimes- I think this is all part of the eating problem. Stress is my killer. I feel unloved, unwanted, not cared about...unless he needs something. I was glad to close my eyes and sleep that night, and every night since. I think I'm depressed-or at least I was but I fought to pull myself out.
This was the first day that felt normal since I've been home. I showered, got dressed and went to work where the people were happy to see me. My friend from Florida phoned. I've admittedly been reluctant to talk to him since our arguement. The call was nice; cordial. He's doing well and feeling good. The talk for his four years of sobriety went great, which was why I text him earlier in the week with one sentence saying that I hoped it went well. (Text...the cowards way out...)
My husband seems to be dealing with the car situation a little better. People sympathize. He loved that jeep. Seeing it smashed to smithereens HAD to hurt...he treats that thing better than he ever treated me, LOL. He was upset that I was back on my diet. I grocery shopped after work and had the immitigated gall to fill the house with healthy things like fruit, vegetables and whole grain bread. Sigh...what was I thinking? (That's not to say I didn't get him his little stash of goodies...just sparingly. He needs to lose weight too...)
On the brighter side- the Memphis book tour is turning into a huge event. There are 200 people expected and SIDS fund raiser execs are coming to speak. THIS could REALLY be IT! The dream coming to fruition- my reality...my dream...in my baby girls name- to save other children...and their moms. The day took an upswing when the emails came in positive. I'm so happy. And so humbled by it all.
I got through today. I'm feeling better. I'll worry about tomorrow- tomorrow when it gets here. In the meantime I'm going to let myself feel happy. I need to feel it. My emotions feel like a push me, pull you these days. Life is good. God has got my back. I forget that sometimes. So what if I see Angels- so what if others don't... so what? It's okay to be close to God. I want to be so close that I'm one with him. Not a bad goal, if I do say so myself. I cannot change the past or other people's thoughts...but I can work towards a future full of faith and love being my guiding light. I can work towards being healthy. I can work towards aiding in the cure of SIDS. I am woman! Hear me ROAR!! ;-)
Have a great day/night/ morning. Thanks for reading. Join me in this adventure towards health! See you next blog!
It was hard to get myself going this morning. I felt defeated before I even began the day. It was a total struggle to get down the two flights of stairs to the basement for a shower not to mention getting out of bed at all. It was cold too. It snowed again. My husband went out to shovel the skirt of the driveway and clear off the cars. I actually said thank you to him for doing that. Last year I did it all by myself- A LOT. I thanked him too soon. He's been neglectful lately.
He forgot to do my car, so I scapped the ice encrusted windows to the best of my ability and headed out. I can't be mad. I can do it. It's just that he announced that he would and accepted my gratitude and then didn't follow through so it left my time schedule off.
My mind was reeling though. I played back the few nights that I've been home. The other night when I arrived at the airport two days late, he had fallen asleep and I had to call and wake him up for a ride home. I had no coat and it was freezing so I stood behind the taxi stand right outside of door 5. He couldn't see me and then couldn't getthe car all of the way in. He got angry and literally threw my suitcase into the car like a maniac, complaining in a mean way. I'm surprised he didn't break it he threw it so hard. After heaving it in he slammed the door with such brute force it sounded like a fire cracker. I was shocked. Up until that moment I was SO very happy to be back.
All of the way home he ranted and raved about traffic. Finally I said, "When I pick you up from all of your trips I at least smile." I said it sarcastically. He stopped ranting but it was too late. Then as we were driving down the frozen tundra of the highway he demanded a kiss. I said when we stopped I'd give him one and I did, but my heart wasn't in it. I feel so lost sometimes- I think this is all part of the eating problem. Stress is my killer. I feel unloved, unwanted, not cared about...unless he needs something. I was glad to close my eyes and sleep that night, and every night since. I think I'm depressed-or at least I was but I fought to pull myself out.
This was the first day that felt normal since I've been home. I showered, got dressed and went to work where the people were happy to see me. My friend from Florida phoned. I've admittedly been reluctant to talk to him since our arguement. The call was nice; cordial. He's doing well and feeling good. The talk for his four years of sobriety went great, which was why I text him earlier in the week with one sentence saying that I hoped it went well. (Text...the cowards way out...)
My husband seems to be dealing with the car situation a little better. People sympathize. He loved that jeep. Seeing it smashed to smithereens HAD to hurt...he treats that thing better than he ever treated me, LOL. He was upset that I was back on my diet. I grocery shopped after work and had the immitigated gall to fill the house with healthy things like fruit, vegetables and whole grain bread. Sigh...what was I thinking? (That's not to say I didn't get him his little stash of goodies...just sparingly. He needs to lose weight too...)
On the brighter side- the Memphis book tour is turning into a huge event. There are 200 people expected and SIDS fund raiser execs are coming to speak. THIS could REALLY be IT! The dream coming to fruition- my reality...my dream...in my baby girls name- to save other children...and their moms. The day took an upswing when the emails came in positive. I'm so happy. And so humbled by it all.
I got through today. I'm feeling better. I'll worry about tomorrow- tomorrow when it gets here. In the meantime I'm going to let myself feel happy. I need to feel it. My emotions feel like a push me, pull you these days. Life is good. God has got my back. I forget that sometimes. So what if I see Angels- so what if others don't... so what? It's okay to be close to God. I want to be so close that I'm one with him. Not a bad goal, if I do say so myself. I cannot change the past or other people's thoughts...but I can work towards a future full of faith and love being my guiding light. I can work towards being healthy. I can work towards aiding in the cure of SIDS. I am woman! Hear me ROAR!! ;-)
Have a great day/night/ morning. Thanks for reading. Join me in this adventure towards health! See you next blog!
Monday, January 17, 2011
January 17, 2011 2nd entry Diet Blog
It's been a day filled with turmoil. Both inner and outer. The outer is about the car and dealing with the things involved to resolve the matter. It's hard to maintain the level of forgiveness that I want to but I am giving it my best shot. That's where the inner turmoil comes in.
I talked to my son for a long time today about the matter of the car. I talked about the forgiveness. I told him about seeing the cross in the sky while in Florida to lead into how I felt I should deal with the emotions. He said that when one is among religious, Godly people that worship like my friends in Florida, they often they tend to 'see' things in that light. He said in example, that he'd place a bet that his Dad would notice a lot more accidents today- not because there are more than usual, but because THAT is what is on his mind. In his opinion that was why I saw the cross. I understood the scientific reality of that but really- the coincidences are piling up for me. I chose not to mention the Angels in my dreams and in the smoke at the Holy Land experience. I haven't told a soul, I've only written it here. The inner turmoil I face has to do with that.
Maya Angelou said that 'you are a child of God. If you get; give. If you learn; teach.' I heard those two points the loudest within her testimony to love on Oprah's new show called The Master Class or something like that. It was the first time I've seen it in its entirety except when Jay Z appeared on the opening day. Anyway, that's what she said and I HEARD her...INSIDE. Does that make sense?
The book tour in Memphis is turning and twisting like the smoke turned into Angels that day. The girl setting it up has television interested and now she thinks she can get the SIDS organization on board! I'm so excited that I could burst! THAT is the dream. The reality behind my climb...coincidence? How could it be? I've never felt more blessed, or more forbidden to share it. Why is that? I'm writing this here so that its documented somewhere. The people on this blog are WITH me and I with THEM. It'll be okay to tell it here, but I want to scream it!
The diet pelted into the ether's today. I cannot seem to pull myself together. The talk with my son triggered it I think. I kind of went a little crazy trying to make him NOT think I AM crazy. I hid what I think and what I honestly believe happened to me...more than once.
There's a scientific reason behind it- I forget the name. Basically he said, you can see anything if you look at a pattern long enough, is the layman's definition. I don't know. My heart tells me something unscientific is at work here. I think my work might be blessed. It's real. Maybe this little spec of a nerdy girl can make a big difference to another mother one day...save a baby, or help to do that. I'm so unsure of myself sometimes...lately with my boss and then Florida and now the car and the unexplained sadness I feel at not being able/allowed to reveal what I REALLY think without being 'weird.'
It IS weird. I get that. But its real. OR maybe I have flipped my cork. AARRGG!!
So that's been the day. I'm at constant war. There's literally no way that I can turn that there's not a disaster happening in front of me, or behind and around me. Frustrated loved ones at EVERY turn. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, they all think I'm odd already- clearly they are right. It has ALWAYS been the case....see what I mean?
I'm still struggling. Join hands with me and lets get through it together though. Let's get control of it before it gets control of us and all of the fat comes back. Let's figure out a different way to deal with the troubles of our separate realities as a group. (If I say turn to God, it's because I find my life bearable in his light and warmth. If that makes me odd man out I guess I'll just have to live with that.)
In the mean time, I'm going to fight to get control of myself again. The discipline factor is severely lacking. I'm going to go back and read my own blog to see how the heck I grabbed hold and actually held on. Take care of you. See you next blog...which will not be tonight- promise! ;-)
I talked to my son for a long time today about the matter of the car. I talked about the forgiveness. I told him about seeing the cross in the sky while in Florida to lead into how I felt I should deal with the emotions. He said that when one is among religious, Godly people that worship like my friends in Florida, they often they tend to 'see' things in that light. He said in example, that he'd place a bet that his Dad would notice a lot more accidents today- not because there are more than usual, but because THAT is what is on his mind. In his opinion that was why I saw the cross. I understood the scientific reality of that but really- the coincidences are piling up for me. I chose not to mention the Angels in my dreams and in the smoke at the Holy Land experience. I haven't told a soul, I've only written it here. The inner turmoil I face has to do with that.
Maya Angelou said that 'you are a child of God. If you get; give. If you learn; teach.' I heard those two points the loudest within her testimony to love on Oprah's new show called The Master Class or something like that. It was the first time I've seen it in its entirety except when Jay Z appeared on the opening day. Anyway, that's what she said and I HEARD her...INSIDE. Does that make sense?
The book tour in Memphis is turning and twisting like the smoke turned into Angels that day. The girl setting it up has television interested and now she thinks she can get the SIDS organization on board! I'm so excited that I could burst! THAT is the dream. The reality behind my climb...coincidence? How could it be? I've never felt more blessed, or more forbidden to share it. Why is that? I'm writing this here so that its documented somewhere. The people on this blog are WITH me and I with THEM. It'll be okay to tell it here, but I want to scream it!
The diet pelted into the ether's today. I cannot seem to pull myself together. The talk with my son triggered it I think. I kind of went a little crazy trying to make him NOT think I AM crazy. I hid what I think and what I honestly believe happened to me...more than once.
There's a scientific reason behind it- I forget the name. Basically he said, you can see anything if you look at a pattern long enough, is the layman's definition. I don't know. My heart tells me something unscientific is at work here. I think my work might be blessed. It's real. Maybe this little spec of a nerdy girl can make a big difference to another mother one day...save a baby, or help to do that. I'm so unsure of myself sometimes...lately with my boss and then Florida and now the car and the unexplained sadness I feel at not being able/allowed to reveal what I REALLY think without being 'weird.'
It IS weird. I get that. But its real. OR maybe I have flipped my cork. AARRGG!!
So that's been the day. I'm at constant war. There's literally no way that I can turn that there's not a disaster happening in front of me, or behind and around me. Frustrated loved ones at EVERY turn. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, they all think I'm odd already- clearly they are right. It has ALWAYS been the case....see what I mean?
I'm still struggling. Join hands with me and lets get through it together though. Let's get control of it before it gets control of us and all of the fat comes back. Let's figure out a different way to deal with the troubles of our separate realities as a group. (If I say turn to God, it's because I find my life bearable in his light and warmth. If that makes me odd man out I guess I'll just have to live with that.)
In the mean time, I'm going to fight to get control of myself again. The discipline factor is severely lacking. I'm going to go back and read my own blog to see how the heck I grabbed hold and actually held on. Take care of you. See you next blog...which will not be tonight- promise! ;-)
January 17, 2011 Diet Blog
Got control of myself again today. Last night a very bad thing happened. We were invited to my sister-in-laws for dinner and to see the kids. I missed them terribly and so we went. We had a lovely home made organic beef stew; my sister in law lost nearly 30 pounds and was so happy, the kids and I were making silly photos of each other on some computer gadget and laughing when a loud bang filtered into the room. I chalked it up to a computer game of some sort being played in the other room and then my sister-in-law's neighbor knocked on the door and told us that our car had been the 'victim' of a hit and run.
We went outside to assess the damage while my sister in law called the police. The Jets game wasn't over and we assumed that this was why the police took a long time to get to us. I found myself apologising to the officer. He laughed gently and said it was fine. He was being paid to work.
The perpetrator of the hit and run tore out the steering, and damaged the front of my husband's jeep wrangler. Parts of our car, and the perpetrators car were strew around our car and down the block-far! A large black chunk of her car was underneath our jeep. Glass and pieces everywhere as far as the eyes could see in the dim light against the snow swept backdrop. I couldn't help but wonder how the perpetrator drove away in what had to have been a disabled vehicle. The officer collected all of the car parts with our help and instructed us to call a tow truck. We ended up leaving the car in front of my sis in laws house for the evening. The officer felt that a VIN # would be found on one of the perpetrators car parts leading us to them. To be truthful, the statement eased the tension, but I didn't really believe it.
We went back inside and resumed our activities but the underlying tension remained very apparent.
About two hours went by and the tow truck pulled up along with two police cars from the next town. We threw on our coats and went out. It seemed that the perpetrator of the hit and run called them and said that we had hit her. They found us through the tow truck. I was appalled.
How could someone compound a wrong with a wrong. The person clearly was aware that they had hit us, why would she then go out of her way to get us in trouble? People astound me sometimes.
We told our story and the police contacted the police for my sister in laws town. The same cop was there in a flash. The cops from the next town over felt our ice cold engine with his hand and took our statements. My sister in laws neighbors gave statements too. The parts were all on our street, and like I said the jeep could not be driven as there was no steering.
It turns out that the perpetrator drove to her friends house in the next town and called in her car as a hit and run. Allegedly, she was drunk too. Funny how all of the evidence backs up our story, but it bothered me a lot that someone would do that. She was purposefully setting out to do the wrong thing, hurt people she had already done something wrong to accidentally and get those same victims in trouble with the law for the crime she committed. I was very upset, angry and shocked.
I went to bed with that set of emotions plus a few others on my mind. I woke up in the night and comforted myself with coffee cake and milk. I tried to listen to God- hear my angels- handle things better. I rehashed it over and over in my mind. I don't want to just pay 'lip service' to God. I want to do, say and think the right things. I wasn't doing that. A second piece of coffee cake found its way into my belly and then a third.
This statement came into my head this morning as I awoke: "There, but for the grace of God, go I..." Yesterday I hoped that she get the punishment she deemed fit to lay on us; today, I want God to help us all get our needs met in this situation, and get her help if she needs it. I don't wish any negativity on the woman. She was drunk. She made a mistake. If she is a repeat offender, she may need real help or AA meetings or something- but that part is up to God, not me. She already has to deal with the facts: This happened; she lied; she placed a false report; she tried to hurt others unnecessarily, she compounded an accidental wrong with more purposeful wrongs.... She has to look in the mirror and know that she did that. Drunk is not a good excuse, but sadly an understandable one, knowing what I know because of my friend in Florida. I want her to have her needs met too, none the less- as the Lord sees fit.
Our car is covered well with insurance. We will get a 'loaner car' from them until ours is fixed. We're fine and unhurt. Yes- it's inconvenient, but nothing drastic occurred. I want to give her the forgiveness I'd want for myself. I'm asking the Lord to grant me that in my heart, so I can give it freely to those I feel wronged or hurt by and forgive myself for any wrongs I've done to others along the way.
This car situation is MINOR compared to other people's issues or problems in this day and age. I also ask that my butt gets smaller...OK just thought I'd throw that in in case you weren't paying attention, LOL! This IS a diet blog after all...amen...
Anyway, I'm regaining control once again- food addict...who knew... one day at a time though, one hour at a time, one minute, one second at a time....
And so we move forward. Join me on the path to health. (The spiritual part is your option of course, as always...) ;-)
See you next blog!
We went outside to assess the damage while my sister in law called the police. The Jets game wasn't over and we assumed that this was why the police took a long time to get to us. I found myself apologising to the officer. He laughed gently and said it was fine. He was being paid to work.
The perpetrator of the hit and run tore out the steering, and damaged the front of my husband's jeep wrangler. Parts of our car, and the perpetrators car were strew around our car and down the block-far! A large black chunk of her car was underneath our jeep. Glass and pieces everywhere as far as the eyes could see in the dim light against the snow swept backdrop. I couldn't help but wonder how the perpetrator drove away in what had to have been a disabled vehicle. The officer collected all of the car parts with our help and instructed us to call a tow truck. We ended up leaving the car in front of my sis in laws house for the evening. The officer felt that a VIN # would be found on one of the perpetrators car parts leading us to them. To be truthful, the statement eased the tension, but I didn't really believe it.
We went back inside and resumed our activities but the underlying tension remained very apparent.
About two hours went by and the tow truck pulled up along with two police cars from the next town. We threw on our coats and went out. It seemed that the perpetrator of the hit and run called them and said that we had hit her. They found us through the tow truck. I was appalled.
How could someone compound a wrong with a wrong. The person clearly was aware that they had hit us, why would she then go out of her way to get us in trouble? People astound me sometimes.
We told our story and the police contacted the police for my sister in laws town. The same cop was there in a flash. The cops from the next town over felt our ice cold engine with his hand and took our statements. My sister in laws neighbors gave statements too. The parts were all on our street, and like I said the jeep could not be driven as there was no steering.
It turns out that the perpetrator drove to her friends house in the next town and called in her car as a hit and run. Allegedly, she was drunk too. Funny how all of the evidence backs up our story, but it bothered me a lot that someone would do that. She was purposefully setting out to do the wrong thing, hurt people she had already done something wrong to accidentally and get those same victims in trouble with the law for the crime she committed. I was very upset, angry and shocked.
I went to bed with that set of emotions plus a few others on my mind. I woke up in the night and comforted myself with coffee cake and milk. I tried to listen to God- hear my angels- handle things better. I rehashed it over and over in my mind. I don't want to just pay 'lip service' to God. I want to do, say and think the right things. I wasn't doing that. A second piece of coffee cake found its way into my belly and then a third.
This statement came into my head this morning as I awoke: "There, but for the grace of God, go I..." Yesterday I hoped that she get the punishment she deemed fit to lay on us; today, I want God to help us all get our needs met in this situation, and get her help if she needs it. I don't wish any negativity on the woman. She was drunk. She made a mistake. If she is a repeat offender, she may need real help or AA meetings or something- but that part is up to God, not me. She already has to deal with the facts: This happened; she lied; she placed a false report; she tried to hurt others unnecessarily, she compounded an accidental wrong with more purposeful wrongs.... She has to look in the mirror and know that she did that. Drunk is not a good excuse, but sadly an understandable one, knowing what I know because of my friend in Florida. I want her to have her needs met too, none the less- as the Lord sees fit.
Our car is covered well with insurance. We will get a 'loaner car' from them until ours is fixed. We're fine and unhurt. Yes- it's inconvenient, but nothing drastic occurred. I want to give her the forgiveness I'd want for myself. I'm asking the Lord to grant me that in my heart, so I can give it freely to those I feel wronged or hurt by and forgive myself for any wrongs I've done to others along the way.
This car situation is MINOR compared to other people's issues or problems in this day and age. I also ask that my butt gets smaller...OK just thought I'd throw that in in case you weren't paying attention, LOL! This IS a diet blog after all...amen...
Anyway, I'm regaining control once again- food addict...who knew... one day at a time though, one hour at a time, one minute, one second at a time....
And so we move forward. Join me on the path to health. (The spiritual part is your option of course, as always...) ;-)
See you next blog!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
January 16, 2011 Diet Blog
So- the trip to Florida went great. My ill friend seemed upbeat and very happy to see me. He and his family welcomed me with open arms and treated me as if I were a queen. There was only one minor issue. My friend takes a LOT of medicine and was in great pain one particular day. I think he took too much of the pain medication because he became grouchy, angry and inconsolably nasty.
It felt like he picked a fight with me purposefully...to the point of hurting my feelings so badly that I cried. I begged him-literally to stop. To walk away. He said some things that hurt even now about me. I think he wanted me to cry. He remained calm. He was a psycologist graduate of an Ivy Leaugue school. I couldn't hold a candle to that- not that I thought I'd ever have to. He pushed my buttons like a pro- and didn't let up. Then calmly told me I was upsetting him, causing another stroke... it was awful. I even apologised- not good enough....
We didn't talk for hours and hours and I considered the vacation a bust and wanted to come home. I mentioned it, asking for a ride to the airport as I was at the families mercy for transportation...a dumb move I will not make again- which caused another explosion on his part and then he settled down as I cried a second time. It felt like -and still feels like- he went out of his way to hurt me...like hurting me made him feel good or some odd thing... I'm still unhinged by it all, but anyway, The next day he was back to normal but I was guarded to put it mildly.
I agreed to everything he said whether I agreed or not, getting into No depth what-so-ever, and wished that we could just not talk because I didn't want to upset someone that has already had a stroke, even though that's part of what he accused me of during the nasty phase. There was no one there, just him and me- another mistake I won't make again. I'm not sure -other than the meds- what triggered it, and EVERYTHING I said got twisted into a negative statement- I retreated. I never came fully back from it. I tell you this for a reason. I ate and ate and ate- while I cried and cried and cried.
At that particular point in time I didn't want to be alone with him at all, not to mention that any friendship with me was never going to be the same. He wanted to go to a place called 'The Holy Land Experience" in Orlando Florida. I remember thinking that he needed it VERY much. I had never heard of it, which was fine but It was a weekday and his entire family had to be at work, except his parents who are elderly and one had a doctor's appointment. I was forced into the position of not only being alone with him, but not having a car and so he wanted to drive. (We're talking two hours and change here.) I believed he needed it- I know I did so I plastered a smile on my face and away we went. I put sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes and pretended to be excited about it. Key word: PRETENDED. Should I have to do that? The truth is- I wasn't. I wanted to go home. I was very shocked and hurt- meds being the cause or not!
We pulled up nice and close because my friend is also disabled and needs a handicapped spot. I caught myself asking the angels for assistance through my foul mood as we drove. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. The very first thing I saw were statues of Angels flying overhead and all around a replica of Noah's Ark. 2 of every animal were all around me and I was astonished at the beauty and tranquility of it all. They were life sized! I blurted out "This is seriously cool," before I could stop myself. He grinned from ear to ear and said that he knew I'd love this place. He was right.
We entered into Jerusalem. It was replicated from the bible to full scale and the people were dressed in costume. One exhibit was more magnificent than the next. The play 'The Passion" was done to full scale out of doors as well. The audience was involved in the play. I pleaded for Jesus' life just the same- though I knew that it would be taken. He rose from the dead at the end and we followed him into the kingdom of heaven. I broke away from my friend there. He went to pray for his children. I went to pray for 'the impossible.' There were choices. I wrote my prayer on the small wooden cross provided at the prayer. They took it back to send to Israel, to be buried in the real Holy Land. Closer to God.
We took communion too. We drank wine out of a little wooden chalis. It was given to us as a gift. The chalis I mean, not just the body and blood of Christ- although, let's face it, THAT is the best gift of all....
There was this one exhibit that I have to tell you about. I said nothing because I think people are going to start thinking that I'm nuts but here goes... we were in the exhibit with the Ark- you know like in the movie with Harrison Ford. There was a big tent and that was the temple. It was dark and smoke rose from a fire that was set. The smoke caught my attention as it twisted and curled to form an Angel. She looked at me lovingly and smiled then twisted into my daughter- also smiling. Several other people that I knew and some that I'm not sure if I knew appeared in the smoke and several more Angels. I didn't watch the show. I watched the smoke. I left there knowing I'd seen them again. How does one explain this to people? I see Angels. I believe that I really do. I may be nuts...but what a great way to be that, huh?
I thought about that for pretty much the rest of the trip. I was grateful to be going home when I found out that my flight had been cancelled. The weather apparently. Either way, I was stuck in a place I did not want to be for two more days with a friend who may not be my friend after this. My friend's mother is an amazing Italian woman, and a GREAT cook. She sensed what had gone on and talked to me about it- her son and me arguing that is. (I told NO ONE of the Angel's visit.) She cooked me a wonderful Italian meal. I LOVE her. I guess he's done that to her a time or two. Only thing there is- She HAS to love him. I do not. I still do but I'm still hurt just so you know the outcome.
I went with my friend to AA meetings two times and prayer meetings. I spotted a plane in the air on the way. The white exhaust made a cross. I pointed it out to my friend. Something inside me knew or felt that I was in this exact spot for some reason. I was astonished! HE was clearly trying to get across a message to me. I had to stay. There was a lesson to be learned and I needed to be here with this person to learn it. Okay then, I thought, Let's do it.
I felt closer to God and asked him to grant me the forgiveness in my heart for the things that my friend said. He did grant it but I didn't ask for the hurt to be taken away. I guess I needed to feel that as part of the lesson. Who knows.
But I came to realize that 'fame and fortune' does change people- only NOT necessarily the person who is climbing the ladder. Sometimes the people around them feel threatened or frightened because they feel a sense of loss or that they may lose the friend they love so dearly as they climb that ladder. Please- Oh please everyone...if I give off that 'air' I don't mean to. I love all of you. You are here...watching the climb, helping me up another rung, cheering me on...I want you in my life always. If someone stops me for an autograph- I need to give it but rest assured my attention then goes back to you...my loved ones...my friends... my support system, AND yours!
Anyway, I am not an alcoholic but I learned something there too. My eating habits are addict-like. I have to take things one day at a time just like they do. The only difference? They used alcohol. I used food. The stories are the same. I liked them. I pray for their continued health.
That's about all I guess. The last paragraph is short- but HUGE! Love you. See you next blog. ;-)
It felt like he picked a fight with me purposefully...to the point of hurting my feelings so badly that I cried. I begged him-literally to stop. To walk away. He said some things that hurt even now about me. I think he wanted me to cry. He remained calm. He was a psycologist graduate of an Ivy Leaugue school. I couldn't hold a candle to that- not that I thought I'd ever have to. He pushed my buttons like a pro- and didn't let up. Then calmly told me I was upsetting him, causing another stroke... it was awful. I even apologised- not good enough....
We didn't talk for hours and hours and I considered the vacation a bust and wanted to come home. I mentioned it, asking for a ride to the airport as I was at the families mercy for transportation...a dumb move I will not make again- which caused another explosion on his part and then he settled down as I cried a second time. It felt like -and still feels like- he went out of his way to hurt me...like hurting me made him feel good or some odd thing... I'm still unhinged by it all, but anyway, The next day he was back to normal but I was guarded to put it mildly.
I agreed to everything he said whether I agreed or not, getting into No depth what-so-ever, and wished that we could just not talk because I didn't want to upset someone that has already had a stroke, even though that's part of what he accused me of during the nasty phase. There was no one there, just him and me- another mistake I won't make again. I'm not sure -other than the meds- what triggered it, and EVERYTHING I said got twisted into a negative statement- I retreated. I never came fully back from it. I tell you this for a reason. I ate and ate and ate- while I cried and cried and cried.
At that particular point in time I didn't want to be alone with him at all, not to mention that any friendship with me was never going to be the same. He wanted to go to a place called 'The Holy Land Experience" in Orlando Florida. I remember thinking that he needed it VERY much. I had never heard of it, which was fine but It was a weekday and his entire family had to be at work, except his parents who are elderly and one had a doctor's appointment. I was forced into the position of not only being alone with him, but not having a car and so he wanted to drive. (We're talking two hours and change here.) I believed he needed it- I know I did so I plastered a smile on my face and away we went. I put sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes and pretended to be excited about it. Key word: PRETENDED. Should I have to do that? The truth is- I wasn't. I wanted to go home. I was very shocked and hurt- meds being the cause or not!
We pulled up nice and close because my friend is also disabled and needs a handicapped spot. I caught myself asking the angels for assistance through my foul mood as we drove. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. The very first thing I saw were statues of Angels flying overhead and all around a replica of Noah's Ark. 2 of every animal were all around me and I was astonished at the beauty and tranquility of it all. They were life sized! I blurted out "This is seriously cool," before I could stop myself. He grinned from ear to ear and said that he knew I'd love this place. He was right.
We entered into Jerusalem. It was replicated from the bible to full scale and the people were dressed in costume. One exhibit was more magnificent than the next. The play 'The Passion" was done to full scale out of doors as well. The audience was involved in the play. I pleaded for Jesus' life just the same- though I knew that it would be taken. He rose from the dead at the end and we followed him into the kingdom of heaven. I broke away from my friend there. He went to pray for his children. I went to pray for 'the impossible.' There were choices. I wrote my prayer on the small wooden cross provided at the prayer. They took it back to send to Israel, to be buried in the real Holy Land. Closer to God.
We took communion too. We drank wine out of a little wooden chalis. It was given to us as a gift. The chalis I mean, not just the body and blood of Christ- although, let's face it, THAT is the best gift of all....
There was this one exhibit that I have to tell you about. I said nothing because I think people are going to start thinking that I'm nuts but here goes... we were in the exhibit with the Ark- you know like in the movie with Harrison Ford. There was a big tent and that was the temple. It was dark and smoke rose from a fire that was set. The smoke caught my attention as it twisted and curled to form an Angel. She looked at me lovingly and smiled then twisted into my daughter- also smiling. Several other people that I knew and some that I'm not sure if I knew appeared in the smoke and several more Angels. I didn't watch the show. I watched the smoke. I left there knowing I'd seen them again. How does one explain this to people? I see Angels. I believe that I really do. I may be nuts...but what a great way to be that, huh?
I thought about that for pretty much the rest of the trip. I was grateful to be going home when I found out that my flight had been cancelled. The weather apparently. Either way, I was stuck in a place I did not want to be for two more days with a friend who may not be my friend after this. My friend's mother is an amazing Italian woman, and a GREAT cook. She sensed what had gone on and talked to me about it- her son and me arguing that is. (I told NO ONE of the Angel's visit.) She cooked me a wonderful Italian meal. I LOVE her. I guess he's done that to her a time or two. Only thing there is- She HAS to love him. I do not. I still do but I'm still hurt just so you know the outcome.
I went with my friend to AA meetings two times and prayer meetings. I spotted a plane in the air on the way. The white exhaust made a cross. I pointed it out to my friend. Something inside me knew or felt that I was in this exact spot for some reason. I was astonished! HE was clearly trying to get across a message to me. I had to stay. There was a lesson to be learned and I needed to be here with this person to learn it. Okay then, I thought, Let's do it.
I felt closer to God and asked him to grant me the forgiveness in my heart for the things that my friend said. He did grant it but I didn't ask for the hurt to be taken away. I guess I needed to feel that as part of the lesson. Who knows.
But I came to realize that 'fame and fortune' does change people- only NOT necessarily the person who is climbing the ladder. Sometimes the people around them feel threatened or frightened because they feel a sense of loss or that they may lose the friend they love so dearly as they climb that ladder. Please- Oh please everyone...if I give off that 'air' I don't mean to. I love all of you. You are here...watching the climb, helping me up another rung, cheering me on...I want you in my life always. If someone stops me for an autograph- I need to give it but rest assured my attention then goes back to you...my loved ones...my friends... my support system, AND yours!
Anyway, I am not an alcoholic but I learned something there too. My eating habits are addict-like. I have to take things one day at a time just like they do. The only difference? They used alcohol. I used food. The stories are the same. I liked them. I pray for their continued health.
That's about all I guess. The last paragraph is short- but HUGE! Love you. See you next blog. ;-)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
January 6, 2011 Diet Blog
Official weigh in left me 2 pounds up. Not as bad as it could've been but it takes forever to get even one pound off. Still, I did it to myself...moving forward...
No one has mentioned the Boss to me since the incident before New Year. The Judge seems okay but not as friendly as he was before. I wonder if it's my imagination or if he is angry with me about the whole thing. Which ever...I stand behind my decision and leave it in God's capable hands to deal with.
Today I am going to Florida on a four day vacation. It is the birthday of a dear friend whose health has been failing. I'm excited to go and anxious as well. This is not a book trip. It's just a 'mini-vacation.' I need one. I find I'm very tired since the incident at work occurred.
There's not much more to say than that except the beautician tried to fix my hair. She had basically fried it a month ago with the perm solution. I went through the entire holiday season that way. The roots were silver gray and about an inch and a half long. She had to cut about four inches off and use darker hair dye than I like to make me look presentable for Florida. My husband refused to comment on it when he saw it yesterday evening. Can't say as I blame him for that....
Anyway- I look the best I can for today. I'm NOT letting it stand in the way of me having a good time...following my own advice.... Join me!
See you next blog!
No one has mentioned the Boss to me since the incident before New Year. The Judge seems okay but not as friendly as he was before. I wonder if it's my imagination or if he is angry with me about the whole thing. Which ever...I stand behind my decision and leave it in God's capable hands to deal with.
Today I am going to Florida on a four day vacation. It is the birthday of a dear friend whose health has been failing. I'm excited to go and anxious as well. This is not a book trip. It's just a 'mini-vacation.' I need one. I find I'm very tired since the incident at work occurred.
There's not much more to say than that except the beautician tried to fix my hair. She had basically fried it a month ago with the perm solution. I went through the entire holiday season that way. The roots were silver gray and about an inch and a half long. She had to cut about four inches off and use darker hair dye than I like to make me look presentable for Florida. My husband refused to comment on it when he saw it yesterday evening. Can't say as I blame him for that....
Anyway- I look the best I can for today. I'm NOT letting it stand in the way of me having a good time...following my own advice.... Join me!
See you next blog!
Monday, January 3, 2011
January 3, 2011 Diet Blog
Okay- so I finally got a good nights sleep. I haven't since my boss told me about his wanting to die. I saw every hour at one point or another since that time and have been struggling through darkness and fog to try and get into the light and warmth of normalcy. I had a dream last night. An angel came- golden and beautiful surrounded in magnificent soft white light so bright I couldn't see her clearly but not so bright that it hurt me in any way. It was warm, inviting and love radiated from it, and her. No words were spoken but she touched my face and I just knew that it was going to be okay. God has a plan.
Apparently this had to happen to my boss for some reason, and me for some reason. I guess the reasons will unfold in time. I know God's got my back. Whatever happens will turn out to be the right thing...the BEST thing for BOTH of us.
I'm entering into this new day with faith, hope and love. I think loving my fellow man or woman comes easier than loving myself for some odd reason. Maybe we all experience that and I just don't realize it. I'm not sure what will happen today but I'm ready and I'm okay with where the chips fall. I'm still not sorry that I told. If it's a choice between his life or my job- I choose life.... for BOTH of us. I cannot live walking on egg shells forever either. I'm going to go in today- hold my chin up, and be myself. That's not to say 'myself' is the most confident person in the world, I'm definitely not... but I'm just going to leave it all in the hands of the Lord...and keep the food OUT of my hands.
In the mean time, I'm going to try and stop beating myself up for the way I handled the situation and move forward. The thing about the past is that it cannot be changed- the thing about the now and the future is that it's all up to me... it's up to you too. Join me! We can do this thing!
Apparently this had to happen to my boss for some reason, and me for some reason. I guess the reasons will unfold in time. I know God's got my back. Whatever happens will turn out to be the right thing...the BEST thing for BOTH of us.
I'm entering into this new day with faith, hope and love. I think loving my fellow man or woman comes easier than loving myself for some odd reason. Maybe we all experience that and I just don't realize it. I'm not sure what will happen today but I'm ready and I'm okay with where the chips fall. I'm still not sorry that I told. If it's a choice between his life or my job- I choose life.... for BOTH of us. I cannot live walking on egg shells forever either. I'm going to go in today- hold my chin up, and be myself. That's not to say 'myself' is the most confident person in the world, I'm definitely not... but I'm just going to leave it all in the hands of the Lord...and keep the food OUT of my hands.
In the mean time, I'm going to try and stop beating myself up for the way I handled the situation and move forward. The thing about the past is that it cannot be changed- the thing about the now and the future is that it's all up to me... it's up to you too. Join me! We can do this thing!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
January 2, 2011 Diet Blog
So- we're into the New Year, and I'm at day 2 of the recovery diet plan. I'm fighting the urge to binge as hard as I can. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't bite my nails...I eat. I've read a lot about it and it seems that I put the food in to 'swallow' things I cannot handle. The 'fat' keeps the world at least an arms length away and works much like armor did back in the days of Knights. It's a defense mechanism for lack of better terminology. Still, knowing this and seeing the progress my body has made in the last year did not stop me from regressing.
I didn't just regress- I went on a ramped self destruction binge. It was out of control. I knew but I didn't care, except for a moment or two here and there of lucidity where I realized the damage. Still, in an act of sheer defiance against myself I put the next item into my mouth. ALL of the food was junk. I lost complete control for nearly three days. I felt ill; sick...but not from the binge. It was from the events that occurred with the second in command at my job.
I've handled so much in my life time. My Dad left when I was five- never to return until I was forty four, seeking absolution on his death bed. I gave it. My mom ...well that's a long and lengthy tale that can be summed up in one sentence. I was an accident and she's sorry I was ever born. The truth there is that she doesn't love me. She's not capable of love. I guess her own background did that to her.
I suffered through a severely abusive childhood at the hands of her significant others and am one of eight- seven siblings from three fathers that we know of, and one sister from the second father who was adopted out, that we just found several yrs ago. I jumped from the frying pan to the fire and married at nineteen; a young alcoholic who was physically and mentally abusive with me...my first love...bad taste in men... I married better the second time.
I lost two children; my daughter of SIDS, my son stillborn. Deaths of people I love. My mother turning the siblings against each other with lies that she told- her MO throughout her life...getting off on watching the drama. My husbands family not seeing me as 'good enough' for their (far from) perfect family... my brother in laws suicide, the list goes on and on... these are just the highlights...
I've chosen not to dwell on these things and to improve my life and the lives of others if I'm able to do so. I hope to do this through my writing. I talk to the Lord often. I think he listens. When things get completely unbearable, he sends me a sign. Once, when I had no home and was living 'around' until I finished high school, I was at my Aunts house in Selden Long Island. She's a very devout worshiper of the Baptist faith. I listened to her and her minister. I prayed hard that night because I felt so unloved and unwanted. I wanted to be sure that I belonged on earth. The Lord showed me a single star in the black sky that night. It came out right when I was looking up into the heavens...and I believed. I carried on through that pain and promised I would love deeply and as many as I was allowed to.
More recently, I was in Hawaii at the Honolulu Zoo in October 2010 of all places. I was helping a new/old friend from grade school through a rough time as best I could among other things. I saw angels within a banyan tree tunnel of roots. Unknown to some I was suffering through a personal issue where once again I was feeling the knowledge or sense of being unwanted and unloved. I was thinking about my books and my dreams- which no one in either family seems to support me in fully- the angels appeared then. They did not speak. One waved. I snapped a picture. It's hanging in my cubicle at work. That same week I went to the hope chapel in west Oahu. There was a brand new pastor speaking that day. He moved me to tears right there in the church. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I know it was God. He does that. My work is going to help others. It will happen. I have to keep striving forward because the right time is near. I believe that.
I try to deal with the world using compassion. So many things have happened to me that I believe I really do posses the ability to help others. You can understand a skinned knee, but until you've actually skinned your knee, you can't really know what it feels like to skin your knee. I think that's why God gave me so much to handle. He doesn't give you more than you can handle- I know that- so clearly he gave me a massive amount of strength...sadly he also created chocolate lol.
When the second in command expressed feelings of wanting to die- it threw me. His life is good from this angle. He's wealthy, he has two living parents who love him, a nice car, a nice home...the thing that he does not have is a spouse. I wonder if he's lonely. Though he and I are nothing alike, I can certainly identify with THAT feeling. It's overwhelmingly depressing to be lonely. God brought him to tell ME. I do not understand why, except that my background dictated that I HAD to tell someone in order to get him help. For whatever reason- this is a part of God's plan for me. I don't understand yet- but I think that I will in time. I want to. And so I'll regain control of myself and try to do that.
Once I got to that point- I put the food down and took the first step on my journey towards health. I began with the first minute- then the first hour and so forth. Much like when I saw the first star that night as a young girl, the pain and the situation will not go away magically. The 'miracle' is in the fact that I know that I'm not alone, and that I have it in me to handle whatever happens because the right thing was done here. He told me in my heart- it's going to be okay.
Though this blog isn't seen by the entire world (...yet lol) I think I'm doing it to help at least one of you....preferably ALL of you.
Close your eyes and picture my hand taking yours. Feel the warmth and the gentle squeeze I'm giving you. We can do it. We are NOT alone. We have God, and we have each other.
See you next Blog. xo
I didn't just regress- I went on a ramped self destruction binge. It was out of control. I knew but I didn't care, except for a moment or two here and there of lucidity where I realized the damage. Still, in an act of sheer defiance against myself I put the next item into my mouth. ALL of the food was junk. I lost complete control for nearly three days. I felt ill; sick...but not from the binge. It was from the events that occurred with the second in command at my job.
I've handled so much in my life time. My Dad left when I was five- never to return until I was forty four, seeking absolution on his death bed. I gave it. My mom ...well that's a long and lengthy tale that can be summed up in one sentence. I was an accident and she's sorry I was ever born. The truth there is that she doesn't love me. She's not capable of love. I guess her own background did that to her.
I suffered through a severely abusive childhood at the hands of her significant others and am one of eight- seven siblings from three fathers that we know of, and one sister from the second father who was adopted out, that we just found several yrs ago. I jumped from the frying pan to the fire and married at nineteen; a young alcoholic who was physically and mentally abusive with me...my first love...bad taste in men... I married better the second time.
I lost two children; my daughter of SIDS, my son stillborn. Deaths of people I love. My mother turning the siblings against each other with lies that she told- her MO throughout her life...getting off on watching the drama. My husbands family not seeing me as 'good enough' for their (far from) perfect family... my brother in laws suicide, the list goes on and on... these are just the highlights...
I've chosen not to dwell on these things and to improve my life and the lives of others if I'm able to do so. I hope to do this through my writing. I talk to the Lord often. I think he listens. When things get completely unbearable, he sends me a sign. Once, when I had no home and was living 'around' until I finished high school, I was at my Aunts house in Selden Long Island. She's a very devout worshiper of the Baptist faith. I listened to her and her minister. I prayed hard that night because I felt so unloved and unwanted. I wanted to be sure that I belonged on earth. The Lord showed me a single star in the black sky that night. It came out right when I was looking up into the heavens...and I believed. I carried on through that pain and promised I would love deeply and as many as I was allowed to.
More recently, I was in Hawaii at the Honolulu Zoo in October 2010 of all places. I was helping a new/old friend from grade school through a rough time as best I could among other things. I saw angels within a banyan tree tunnel of roots. Unknown to some I was suffering through a personal issue where once again I was feeling the knowledge or sense of being unwanted and unloved. I was thinking about my books and my dreams- which no one in either family seems to support me in fully- the angels appeared then. They did not speak. One waved. I snapped a picture. It's hanging in my cubicle at work. That same week I went to the hope chapel in west Oahu. There was a brand new pastor speaking that day. He moved me to tears right there in the church. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I know it was God. He does that. My work is going to help others. It will happen. I have to keep striving forward because the right time is near. I believe that.
I try to deal with the world using compassion. So many things have happened to me that I believe I really do posses the ability to help others. You can understand a skinned knee, but until you've actually skinned your knee, you can't really know what it feels like to skin your knee. I think that's why God gave me so much to handle. He doesn't give you more than you can handle- I know that- so clearly he gave me a massive amount of strength...sadly he also created chocolate lol.
When the second in command expressed feelings of wanting to die- it threw me. His life is good from this angle. He's wealthy, he has two living parents who love him, a nice car, a nice home...the thing that he does not have is a spouse. I wonder if he's lonely. Though he and I are nothing alike, I can certainly identify with THAT feeling. It's overwhelmingly depressing to be lonely. God brought him to tell ME. I do not understand why, except that my background dictated that I HAD to tell someone in order to get him help. For whatever reason- this is a part of God's plan for me. I don't understand yet- but I think that I will in time. I want to. And so I'll regain control of myself and try to do that.
Once I got to that point- I put the food down and took the first step on my journey towards health. I began with the first minute- then the first hour and so forth. Much like when I saw the first star that night as a young girl, the pain and the situation will not go away magically. The 'miracle' is in the fact that I know that I'm not alone, and that I have it in me to handle whatever happens because the right thing was done here. He told me in my heart- it's going to be okay.
Though this blog isn't seen by the entire world (...yet lol) I think I'm doing it to help at least one of you....preferably ALL of you.
Close your eyes and picture my hand taking yours. Feel the warmth and the gentle squeeze I'm giving you. We can do it. We are NOT alone. We have God, and we have each other.
See you next Blog. xo
Saturday, January 1, 2011
January 1, 2011 Diet Blog
Happy New Year everyone. I hope you had a great time whether you stayed in like me or went out on the town. I originally had plans to go out but just before the new year I had an awful experience at work. Someone confided in me that they do not want to live, to make a long story short. It was my opinion at the end of the conversation that he was suicidal. This person is in a position of authority in the court where I work. I do not have the kind of relationship with this person that would enable me to help in any other way than the one I chose.
To give you the story briefly, this person is in the position to hurt me employment wise. He has been noticeably deteriorating since July. He literally went from being a self important, arrogant, pompous peacock who thought that the entire world was beneath him to a pale, gaunt, filthy version of grizzly Adams with an ego problem. He was always one to make a mountain out of a mole hill with any ailment he had. People correctly placed him in the category of hypochondriac. Yes- I am his subordinate. I am kind. I listen to whatever- I truthfully care if he's feeling bad and express that because it's truth rather than the negative, but would not 'friend' him outside of the office...ever.
I had a document that needed to be signed and I was NOT bringing it to him. He saw me with it and told me to bring it to him. I did as I was told. He asked me to shut the door and then he began to talk. Much of the talk was crazy talk. He told me how rich he was; that he was so good looking; that he was never one to lose his temper; never one to eat junk food; about being a victim of mal practice where blood pressure medication was concerned...swore me to absolute secrecy...self important, ego boosting stuff. The coward that I am I disagreed to none of it, but did not actually agree either. I have not met that version of him in the 7 years I've been there.
The crazy talk went into depression. He didn't celebrate Christmas-couldn't get out of bed- wishes he could go to sleep and never wake up, doesn't forget (he said in a nasty way) who did him wrong... (I think it was a threat about saying what he was telling me, at least I did at the time.)
I suggested talking to his priest, getting help of some kind, and told him that he was still here-he could turn things around. I told him about my Aunt Carol and how they gave her two months (which amounted to 3 weeks) and how she surrounded herself with loved ones bringing us all together and smiling... he said he just didn't want to be here anymore. He refused any of the suggestions.
My brother in law-as you may remember- committed suicide in 2008. Just before Fathers Day that year. It was awful. He said that EXACT sentence. It frightened me beyond his normal/typical crying 'wolf' scenarios. I went home completely unhinged. I did not know what to do. This man can be vicious. I've seen him punch the water cooler when there was no water- like I mentioned I NEVER met the guy he sees himself as...
I told my husband just because I needed to talk to someone- ANYONE about what had gone down on that Tuesday. He suggested that I let someone at work know, because carrying yet another huge weight like that on my shoulders might make me sick too. I didn't sleep a wink but the outcome was my decision to tell. If it was a choice between getting fired or saving his life- whether I like him or not- guess which was more important?
Wednesday I went in and told my immediate supervisor. She admitted that he had uttered that same sentiment to her. By nature she is quiet, kind and gentle. She was keeping it to herself and suffering through it much as I had done all night. At that point I believed that he may try to really harm himself and I went higher and brought it to the third in command- he being the second. In my mind my sister in law cried with confusion and devastation on her face; the things that her children said and asked of me since the death of their father by his own hand plagued me.
By the time I got a moment of her time I was completely disheveled. I began crying uncontrollably in her office. At first I think she saw it as him crying wolf as usual, but my reaction to it changed that opinion. She later took it to the Judge, who called me into his chamber and I cried again. I did not realize how much my brother in laws death had effected me until the second in command at work put me into that same position.
He told the new girl at the front desk- the one that replaced me- that he didn't think he would be around much longer. She felt that he was dying from whatever ailment had changed him so drastically. She didn't know what had gone on with me and he had not sworn her to secrecy. I had to reattach my jaw. I did do the right thing by telling. Clearly- something is WRONG with him whether or NOT he's suicidal or crying wolf as usually believed.
Though retaliation of any kind is against the rules, my fear is that now they'll invent some plausible reason to get rid of me. The economy is bad. My book is doing OK, but I cannot quit my day job. Still, the right thing is to sacrifice the job to save the life. I believe that the Lord will look upon me favorably for that. I suffered through that day.
Thursday I went in and the third in command stopped from her busy schedule, hugged me and asked if I was OK. I apologised for flipping out the way I did. She remembered my brother in law and what we'd gone through during his 'illness' for lack of a better word. She was kind and gentle. None of us know what to do here. She said that he's been telling people that stuff since July; he'd been refusing to go get help even though its free since that time too and that he chose to tell me because of my brother in law and that she found it to be cruel. She apologised unnecessarily on his behalf. If that's true- I do too, but I think its more like a VERY SICK man screaming for help as loud as he can, yet its only a whisper... He did call her that day, which I found great relief in and sobbed once inside the privacy of my cubicle.
My co-worker in the new department had overheard me talking to the first supervisor because her cubicle is next to the supervisors. She came in and saw me sobbing. She held me for awhile. I was glad when the Judge dismissed us for the Holiday. I didn't go out on New Years Eve though the original plan was to go see my surrogate Grand daughter (not blood) but I just could not get into a good spirit. I stayed home- climbed into bed and slept, though not soundly for the first time since the second in command told me those things.
I'm still quite upset. I also broke my diet worse than I ever have in those three days. I couldn't get enough bad food...junk food...it was like a drug. I needed a shovel. I was spiraling. I took control of myself again this morning and am praying for the divine hand of God and the Angels to see me through it and to save the life of the second. At this point I have no right to tell you any of the things I usually do. I didn't follow my own advice, and I jumped ship with cement blocks in each hand. I'm starting over fresh today. Reading my own blog- and trying to follow my own advice... join me. Let's do this thing.
Have a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year. May ALL of your dreams come to fruition! Thanks for 'listening.' xo
To give you the story briefly, this person is in the position to hurt me employment wise. He has been noticeably deteriorating since July. He literally went from being a self important, arrogant, pompous peacock who thought that the entire world was beneath him to a pale, gaunt, filthy version of grizzly Adams with an ego problem. He was always one to make a mountain out of a mole hill with any ailment he had. People correctly placed him in the category of hypochondriac. Yes- I am his subordinate. I am kind. I listen to whatever- I truthfully care if he's feeling bad and express that because it's truth rather than the negative, but would not 'friend' him outside of the office...ever.
I had a document that needed to be signed and I was NOT bringing it to him. He saw me with it and told me to bring it to him. I did as I was told. He asked me to shut the door and then he began to talk. Much of the talk was crazy talk. He told me how rich he was; that he was so good looking; that he was never one to lose his temper; never one to eat junk food; about being a victim of mal practice where blood pressure medication was concerned...swore me to absolute secrecy...self important, ego boosting stuff. The coward that I am I disagreed to none of it, but did not actually agree either. I have not met that version of him in the 7 years I've been there.
The crazy talk went into depression. He didn't celebrate Christmas-couldn't get out of bed- wishes he could go to sleep and never wake up, doesn't forget (he said in a nasty way) who did him wrong... (I think it was a threat about saying what he was telling me, at least I did at the time.)
I suggested talking to his priest, getting help of some kind, and told him that he was still here-he could turn things around. I told him about my Aunt Carol and how they gave her two months (which amounted to 3 weeks) and how she surrounded herself with loved ones bringing us all together and smiling... he said he just didn't want to be here anymore. He refused any of the suggestions.
My brother in law-as you may remember- committed suicide in 2008. Just before Fathers Day that year. It was awful. He said that EXACT sentence. It frightened me beyond his normal/typical crying 'wolf' scenarios. I went home completely unhinged. I did not know what to do. This man can be vicious. I've seen him punch the water cooler when there was no water- like I mentioned I NEVER met the guy he sees himself as...
I told my husband just because I needed to talk to someone- ANYONE about what had gone down on that Tuesday. He suggested that I let someone at work know, because carrying yet another huge weight like that on my shoulders might make me sick too. I didn't sleep a wink but the outcome was my decision to tell. If it was a choice between getting fired or saving his life- whether I like him or not- guess which was more important?
Wednesday I went in and told my immediate supervisor. She admitted that he had uttered that same sentiment to her. By nature she is quiet, kind and gentle. She was keeping it to herself and suffering through it much as I had done all night. At that point I believed that he may try to really harm himself and I went higher and brought it to the third in command- he being the second. In my mind my sister in law cried with confusion and devastation on her face; the things that her children said and asked of me since the death of their father by his own hand plagued me.
By the time I got a moment of her time I was completely disheveled. I began crying uncontrollably in her office. At first I think she saw it as him crying wolf as usual, but my reaction to it changed that opinion. She later took it to the Judge, who called me into his chamber and I cried again. I did not realize how much my brother in laws death had effected me until the second in command at work put me into that same position.
He told the new girl at the front desk- the one that replaced me- that he didn't think he would be around much longer. She felt that he was dying from whatever ailment had changed him so drastically. She didn't know what had gone on with me and he had not sworn her to secrecy. I had to reattach my jaw. I did do the right thing by telling. Clearly- something is WRONG with him whether or NOT he's suicidal or crying wolf as usually believed.
Though retaliation of any kind is against the rules, my fear is that now they'll invent some plausible reason to get rid of me. The economy is bad. My book is doing OK, but I cannot quit my day job. Still, the right thing is to sacrifice the job to save the life. I believe that the Lord will look upon me favorably for that. I suffered through that day.
Thursday I went in and the third in command stopped from her busy schedule, hugged me and asked if I was OK. I apologised for flipping out the way I did. She remembered my brother in law and what we'd gone through during his 'illness' for lack of a better word. She was kind and gentle. None of us know what to do here. She said that he's been telling people that stuff since July; he'd been refusing to go get help even though its free since that time too and that he chose to tell me because of my brother in law and that she found it to be cruel. She apologised unnecessarily on his behalf. If that's true- I do too, but I think its more like a VERY SICK man screaming for help as loud as he can, yet its only a whisper... He did call her that day, which I found great relief in and sobbed once inside the privacy of my cubicle.
My co-worker in the new department had overheard me talking to the first supervisor because her cubicle is next to the supervisors. She came in and saw me sobbing. She held me for awhile. I was glad when the Judge dismissed us for the Holiday. I didn't go out on New Years Eve though the original plan was to go see my surrogate Grand daughter (not blood) but I just could not get into a good spirit. I stayed home- climbed into bed and slept, though not soundly for the first time since the second in command told me those things.
I'm still quite upset. I also broke my diet worse than I ever have in those three days. I couldn't get enough bad food...junk food...it was like a drug. I needed a shovel. I was spiraling. I took control of myself again this morning and am praying for the divine hand of God and the Angels to see me through it and to save the life of the second. At this point I have no right to tell you any of the things I usually do. I didn't follow my own advice, and I jumped ship with cement blocks in each hand. I'm starting over fresh today. Reading my own blog- and trying to follow my own advice... join me. Let's do this thing.
Have a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year. May ALL of your dreams come to fruition! Thanks for 'listening.' xo
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