September, 6 2010 Diet Blog

I could not blog on the 5th as usual because we have a very sad thing going on in my family. An Aunt fell and broke her hip. Upon opening her up to put a pin into it for repair, it was discovered that the hip was cancerous. They removed that part and put the pin in. While in sugery, she suffered a stroke. She lived through that. She then had further tests that revealed that she has cancer throughout her entire body. The doctors say that she had got approximatly two months to live. She is 71. In my opinion, that is still so young. Two weeks ago she seemed fine. Now, she's been brought home and confined to a hospital bed so that she can die at home.
She was very good to me as a child. I feel loss and devastation at the thought of her being incapacitated like that not to mention so ill that she might die soon. While I sat with her I told her to remain positive. That Doctors don't know everything. She said that she didn't feel like she was that sick. Her mind is fine. It's her body that is giving out.
She told me that I look like a toothpick. She is very proud of the weight loss, which is an even 50 pounds gone as of this morning, the first real goal reached...20 more to go.... She told me that I am beautiful. We talked for awhile. I'm glad that I got to see her. I'm too sad to capture my emotions in words though- so forgive me.
While I was in that state I stopped by the Lake that was near hell house where I grew up. I went alone. I needed to sort out my head before the two hour drive home. It's very built up now and looks so different from the times I went there as a kid. I warmed my feet in the sand. It was rough and chock full of pebbles and tiny shells. It wasn't so rough that you needed shoes though, just so you get an idea. I looked around and watched the calm water for awhile. A young boy that I went to school with drown in that Lake when we were in high school. I talked to the sixth grade heart throb on this same sand. He called me by the wrong name. I couldn't help but smile to myself. It was sheer devastation to my sixth grade ego back then.
I thought about my life since the last time my feet had touched this sand. I thought about all of the wrong decisions that I've made and about the right ones. Truth is: I would do it all over again pretty much the same way. My life is good, though I do complain sometimes. I think my Aunt feels the same way. She is married 51 years. My Uncle is in agony, and looks it. She has five grown kids and they all have kids, some are grandparents now. She had her kids young. Thats how things were done then. My Uncle still carries her wedding picture in his wallet. He says that she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen on that day. I found that to be so romantic. He's a good guy. Bad things really do happen to good people.
I found myself asking God why? Why my little girl? Why my Aunt? Why couldn't he just take a jerk...I guess that question's answer is hidden in the question. Why would God want "jerks" in heaven. I get it. I just hate it. I know that she'll be okay. She knows how loved that she is here. She gets to take that with her when/if she goes. Still, Doctors don't know everything. It's God's plan, not ours.
So, my head is full of depression and sadness. I'm trying to make sense out of things...again. Eating my way through it is no longer an option obviously. I'm choosing to feel the emotion. I owe her that. I love her.
I'm going to sign off here. I'll write again as soon as I'm able. Of course, I'll keep you posted on the progress of the next 20 pounds.