October 20, 2009 Diet Blog

It was a busy day at work once again. It seems to be a river of tears for the clients lately. It seems like sadness is running rampant around us more than it ever has. I find myself identifying with some of the clients and fighting back the urge to cry with them. Death can be so devastating. There's way too much of it these days. It seems to get that way around the holiday season, which is approaching with the discretion of a freight train. Sadness, and anger find their way into the court every day lately. It's a rough time for people to go through. It's exhausting for them and for us.
I came home tired. My back aches and I'm sore and fatigued. I bumbled into the kitchen to make dinner and my husband was making it already. I almost wonder what he did wrong because he's been so wonderful these days. I shouldn't wonder though. I've always known how much he loves me.
Breakfast was 2 pineapple spears, snack was grapes, lunch was left over skinless chicken, green beans and yogurt, snack was 6 silver dollar sized rice cakes. A tip about the rice cakes that my coworker asked me to mention here is that if you drink water with the rice cakes they seem to expand in your stomach creating a feeling of being full. It's a good trick of the trade- the diet trade that is. Dinner was steak, 3 pirogi, sauteed onions, green beans and a Mike's hard Light- lemon flavored. A banana served with lite n fit blueberry yogurt was our desert and then later we had skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. Yes- I feel like it was too much food but it was all healthy and he went out of his way to make sure of that. See- he's a keeper.
He sat down to study for a scuba test of some sort and I was left to my own devices. An old friend from my karate days phoned just to touch base. It was so good to hear from her. We talked about old times and laughed like fools over the antics of our days teaching karate to the 3-5 year old children's class.
After we hung up I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I miss those days. That doesn't mean that I want to do that again, it was a grueling lifestyle to work in that world, but I miss who I was back then. I wish I was still that confident, sure black belt that was fit and trim and had the admiration of athletic types from every walk of life. I was pretty. I was helping people back then too- or at least I thought that I was. This feeling traveled into my heart and I began missing my son terribly. This 'getting old' thing has nothing going for it. I stayed stagnant in this 'place' until my best BFF called. We talked, laughed and made plans to go shopping at the outlets this weekend. I felt better.
My husband finished up and sat next to me on the sofa. He put the television on and fell fast asleep within minutes. I sat there thinking for awhile with the television in the background for company. I miss my old life because I was always around people; always listening, helping; being.... I liked being her. It was exciting, new and full of surprises. I need to figure out how to pull her out of myself and into this lifestyle. It's just such a lonely life now that my son is out and married; now that we're older; now that the people aren't here; too lonely.
It's 9:30 pm and I'm alone in this quiet house. The house makes noises. I think it's lonely too.
I'm going to have to think of a way to pull myself out of this emotional downward spiral the next time it occurs. Thankfully, I'm still way to full to put anymore food into my mouth. At least that's a good thing.
I'm going to go on face book now and see if I can find a little company, so I'll sign off for now. I want to shout our usual message at myself and anyone else who is feeling like nothing makes sense: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Try to stay positive. (I know its hard.) See you tomorrow. ;-)