October 8, 2009 Diet Blog

It was a day chock full of drama- trauma today so I'm going to make this entry fairly quick. I found myself thinking heavily about the events of the day, to the point that I couldn't shut my brain down and I got depressed. My brain ran away with the facts and emotion jumped in to make things very complicated for me. Without going into vivid detail the days occurrences made me realize our position in our jobs where I work. I don't think I really got it until now. Peons basically. What happened to one coworker was sad, unfair and not right. She fought back- which is seriously not allowed and nearly got suspended over it. It all worked out in the end but the wake of the situation left me reeling in the aftermath of the grim reality of it all.
I ate fine all day but when I got home the need for comfort was so strong that I turned to my old faithful method of using food. I ate healthy things but I ate more than I needed to. I was alone most of the evening too because my husband was teaching the diving class at Seton Hall. It was a bad combination all around. I'm upset with myself for reacting in such a weak fashion, but at least I stuck to healthy foods and didn't choose junk. It's not much of a consolation but it is what it is at this point.
I did see a commercial put out by Dove soap that turned me around a little. They have that campaign for real beauty thing going on for awhile now. I really like the concept. There was this little girl. She was having a hard time all through the ad. She was suffering through major self esteem issues. At the end she was reading something she wrote on stage. She promised to see herself as a beautiful person. I just thought that was so great.
Teaching young girls their true value or beauty is such an excellent idea. I wish they'd think of a way to teach us older 'little girls' that. Especially those of us who were told throughout our entire youth that we weren't good enough and that we didn't measure up. Sadly too- the people giving us the standards to measure up to were less than what they were claiming we were. And it goes on from there. I wonder if 'we' could ever be fixed. I broke that chain with my son. He exudes confidence. He's truly the child every mother dreams of having. Sadly, I never got the chance to raise my daughter. She's sleeping in the Lord's arms. I'm sure that she's an angel and I'm sure that she is perfect in every way. It's a dream in that way, but I would rather have done it myself- since I'm sharing my dreams...I wish I had been able to raise her- see her beauty- show her that she was special and learn about my own beauty while teaching her hers. I never got that chance with a girl. I really missed it too.
I'm going to sign off now. Tomorrow is another day. I am forced to begin all over again with the diet. I will. I know what needs to be done. I've got to create battle plans to fall back on when the originals falter. I'm a mess tonight. I'm feeling so lonely. I'm alone a lot these days. I'm feeling vulnerable and sad too. I'm not really sure why either. I'm heading off into the land of slumber and dreams in hopes of something happier than today has felt or held for me.
WE LOOK AS GOOD AS WE CAN FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WE WILL LOOK THAT MUCH BETTER. LET'S REMEMBER NOT TO LET OUR PERCEPTION OF OUR BODIES STAND IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GOOD TIME. LET'S TRY TO STAY POSITIVE. SEE YOU TOMORROW. :-)