September 29,2009 Diet Blog

So the saga of the blundering blogger continues.... It all began when I purchased a brand new pair of those black tights to wear under my black and white skirt that falls just below my knee. I chose a red blouse and a black jacket with black shoes to complete what I thought was a simple, but elegant ensemble for my work day.
I pulled the tights out of the package and put them on gingerly because I have my new found manicure taking the world by storm to consider; the nails a magnificent burnt reddish-orange color... anyway, I successfully get the darn tights up and over my butt, which as you ladies as well as some of you men may know can be a monumental feat with the control top feature. As I pulled them up, the top part seemed to make a little cracking sound, which I had never experienced before and to tell you the truth- I ignored. (Is that muffled laughter I hear out there?)
I run out the door, get into my car and drive to work. I do my morning visualization, seeing myself as a world renowned author with friends and family gathered around proudly while I sign autographs and visit the realm of stardom and the bliss of fame and fortune in my car. In this particular dreamlike venue an old friend that I really adored and parted ways with a while back shows up with the balloon and gives it to me. It was great. I get out of my car and head into work feeling like I could conquer the world. That lasted a total of thirty seconds.
My brand new tights literally start traveling south at the speed of light. The elastic in the waistband was non-existent. Defective apparently. Oh great. I am forced to switch all of my items into one arm and hold the tights up with the other hand as I make my way the 200 yards towards the courthouse employee entrance. The tights were determined in their fight to get to my ankles so the hand with all of the stuff in it was forced to grab the other side. All of this was so that I could hold them at thigh level. My main goal in life was to get to a bathroom at that point.
Of course I had to go through security first, and part of that entails putting my things on a conveyor belt about a foot off of the floor to get x-rayed. I actually did this successfully and was able to hike the stockings up a little bit in the process unnoticed by the friendly police officers who bid me the usual good morning as I traveled through their area. I gathered my things off of the belt in what can only be described as an Emmy Award winning juggling act and made a break for the bathroom just down the hallway. That bathroom was out of order.
The next available bathroom was on the second floor. I took the elevator up; yes, in a crowd. Thankfully someone had pressed the number two. I hobbled to the bathroom in silent prayer saying morning greetings along the way as if nothing was wrong. It was unbelievable!
In the bathroom I put my tights underneath my underwear so that the underwear could act as a deterrent for the visit south the tights seemed to have their heart set on and hoped it would hold until lunch when I could go down Main Street and get a new pair at the CVS. (Not a short walk by the way, but no choice here.)
I start work at 8:30, by 9am the tights were sliding south again whether I liked it or not. The only thing holding them up was the crotch of the underwear. The waist was hanging between my knees and thighs. It was the most uncomfortable experience; I cannot describe it with correct words; it was THAT weird.
I told my coworker what was happening. I'm sure that she was laughing inwardly, but bless her kind heart, she didn't show it. Instead she covered the desk while I went to CVS to get a new pair of stockings. I have to admit that the plan was to purchase two pair...just in case. In case of what? I don't know. I was already in the throws of a stocking nightmare of epic proportions in my opinion! But that was the plan I was churning around in my brain overload at the moment. First I went to the bathroom to remove the tights but it had a lot of people in there so I just went to the store. I didn't want to have to explain nor did I want anyone to notice. Plus I had just watched Kathy Griffin say that part of her routine about the foot signs and hand signs under the bathroom stall walls at the airport, and I was peterified that someone would think I was hitting on them or something...it was that kind of a nightmare...it would've just been the next level. Luckily the underwear held up the tights for the duration of the sprint to CVS! The girl at CVS would not allow me to use the bathroom, so I was forced to go all the way back to the courthouse in that position. (A pox on her! And I told her why too...)
Again I had to get to the second floor because the bathroom on the first floor on that side was out of order as well. I have to tell you- that's ridiculous. They pay us nothing and were one of the richest counties in the state...why can't they fix the darn bathrooms? But I digress...
I was able to change the stockings and get back to my desk in record time with no one but my coworker being the wiser to my dilemma. She was very kind and very discreet about it. We had a little laugh and this new branch of my 'saga' ended.
The rest of the day went well for me. I actually have a point here for us though, about this blog-dieting-abusing ourselves...in the real world we live in. The point: You have to laugh at yourself sometimes. I can remember a day, not so long ago that this would have been too embarrassing an ordeal for me to handle. I would've blamed it on my being so fat that I had ripped the stockings or something along those lines instead of the fact that they were actually defective- CLEARLY! -Not to mention the problems with the bathrooms and greetings compounding the embarrassment. Be assured it would have been the emotional lashing paled only by the virtual scars that my minds whips and chains have already left on my brain.
Instead I chose to laugh. It is pretty funny now that I'm thinking of it. Nothing really embarrassing occurred and I stuck to my diet instead of using the saga as an excuse to eat for comfort. So if this or something like it happens to you, try to laugh about it and move forward. Things are just out of our control sometimes. I tend to forget that. If you find yourself saying 'yeah, me too.' It's a good time to run it through your mind.
I had a cup of watermelon slices for breakfast, a banana at 10am, chicken breast, with green beans and corn for lunch, no 3pm snack, chicken breast with lettuce and a touch of mayonnaise on a sesame seed bagel for dinner, and a yogurt for snack at 7pm. I drank all of my water and did well.
To update you on the other sagas: I've been leaving a sign on my car for the mystery balloon tier that this is not the correct car, along with my name- the balloon did not make it to the correct party. I have no more news on it than that. The anonymous gift I told you about must have arrived by now, but no word. Karaoke pictures of me mysteriously made it onto face book- not that I mind but I really try to hide from cameras because I feel so ugly in pictures. One turned out pretty good. It was the one I tried to put on the blog for you but couldn't. I'm still working on that. Body Conditioning class is going great. My whole body hurts today but I was able to do the power walk/sprint to CVS and back so I guess I'm okay... I think that's everything. ...And may I just say Whew!
Remember folks: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. Laugh at yourself sometimes, it's okay. See you tomorrow. ;-)