September 25, 2009 Diet Blog

No new news on the nice annonymous thing I did for someone a while back or the mysterious balloon tied to my car. My entire circle of friends claims no responsibility and no knowledge of the balloon. (The joke gift for the other friend went off wonderfully. They said that it made their day. Remember that I had promised to let you followers know.) Anyway, for lack of a better idea- I think that someone may have tied the balloon to the wrong car. I feel so bad for the person that didn't get it because that feeling of getting it was so amazing, but I feel worse for the mystery tier. They are most likely expecting a phone call or a reaction of some kind.
I was talking to my manicurist about it and she said that she doesn't think it went down that way. In her version of the mystery of the heart balloon she thinks that it did get tied to the right car and that perhaps the recipient was married and could not take it home so they just tied it to another car (because we are parked in a garage) and drove off. Another girl said that sounded correct to her but she felt that maybe the balloon tied to my car was a negative response to whoever put it on the original car. In other words because the recipient knew who put it there and did not feel the same- to the point of wanting to hurt the tier. Indeed an interesting scenario but it kind of put a negative spin on something I thought and felt, as the one who thought she was the true recipient, was very beautiful.
I think I'm going to choose to believe that it was a star crossed effort of love gone awry. It got onto my car by mistake maybe but it was a loving, caring, sweet gesture for someone who is important to and means something deep to someone else. I choose to believe that the balloon ended up on my car (whether it was originally meant for me or not) so that for that one split second I could feel that someone treasured me enough to do something that sweet, nice and wonderful to get my attention.
I also choose to believe I was meant to send it up to my little girl for the same reason. I guess that makes me a bit of a romantic, but as they say...if the shoe (or heart in this case) fits...wear it. So thank you...?Universe for THAT feeling. I'll cherish it. If anything new occurs regarding the mystery of the heart balloon, the readers of this blog will be among those I tell of course. Believe it or not, the things that happen to us each day can rule the stress factor, which in turn can rule the choices we make in our diet...at least it seems that way.
I had a wheat Thomas' English muffin for breakfast, 1 cup of grapes for 10am snack; chicken breast, green beans and a plumb for lunch; rice cakes at 3pm and wheat noodles in low fat sauce for dinner. It was a very hard day diet wise. Today was the party of all parties at work. Everyone cheated except me and one other girl as far as I know. The food was mountainous-all junk-all delicious and available in huge quantities and sums for the taking. I took none. Not even one bite. It was a real fight though.
I found myself feeling depressed and deprived about it later on, although those same emotions could be tied to the coworker leaving to have a baby. I adore her. I'm going to miss her. I cried a little, but I hid it because I hate being vulnerable...actually I hate others seeing me that way to be truthful. Anyway, that feeling of defeat lasted awhile. I was getting ready to go out with two of my friends from Wanaque (excuse the spelling if its incorrect) and I just couldn't find anything to wear that I felt good in. I went out of course because one of them is moving to Florida and this was our last hurrah together but i tugged and pulled at my clothes all night, very aware of them.. too aware.
I had a good time but always without breaking, and all night I held in the back of my mind that I'm too fat. I'm ugly. I was the biggest one there...you know, every self loathing thing you can imagine. My battle plan was to get one small glass of wine and a large glass of water. The battle plan worked. We had a lovely time, sang the night away, laughed and then I went home. I couldn't shake the feeling though. I'm not sure where it came from or why. My self esteem was non-existant.
I bring that up because I was forced to power through it, consciously making the right choices as I went through the day. To be truthful the entire week was one big party with colossal amounts of foods that I love but know will break my stride. I chose right but I'm exhausted from it. The right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do as I used to tell my son as he grew up. It's true. I'm not sure where I heard it or if I just made it up one day, but there is profound truth in the statementif you think about it.
My son said that decisions have to be made by weighing (to use a word that I despise) in the pros and cons of each decision. Do I want this instant gratification or do I want the body I visualise myself having next year? The choice is mine. He's a smart kid... no, that's wrong...he's a smart man.
Simply put- that is exactly how I handled the situation. It's the emotions that I'm having the trouble with. They confuse me sometimes. They seem to come out of no where. They are always on the attack. They are a 'big bully.' They carry me to the negative side of the fence by force. I kick and scream but I always seem to get deposited there. I don't like that side of the fence and so I refuse to dwell there. I will never go down without a fight, my TSK Sensei's, friends, family and loved ones would never forgive it. And I would not forgive myself for it sadly...hense the mind lashing on myself continues in a constant fight. Anyway, I'm climbing back over the fence as I write. You are helping me. I want to help you too.
So that was my harrowing experience in and of a very long week; yet remaining steadfast. I did okay. For those who didn't, let me just say to climb the fence with me over to this side. Beating yourself up is not going to change anything. It will only compound things and make it worse. You don't need that. Start again right now. I'm with you. Let's do it together.
On that note I will say loudly: REMEMBER! You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. I'll see you in the next Blog! ;-)