Blog #2, Sept. 6, 2009

I'm still feeling out the blogging issues and will absolutely post a picture when I am able so you can see the truth of the situation with me and my weight. In the meantime day 2 of the diet went well. For breakfast I had 2 scrambled eggs and coffee. I have heard that eggs are better for you if you separate the whites and just have them without the yokes. (Like I said excuse spelling. If I'm unsure I'll just write it phonetically until I figure out if there is a blog spellcheck.) I did not do that. I had them as-is. I want this diet to be a lifestyle. I know me well enough to know that I won't separate whites from yokes forever more. I had a dot of milk in the coffee and no sugar. I've never taken sugar in coffee. If you do, sort it out for yourself. There are those artificial sweeteners or maybe you can just reduce the amount you use by half. At 10am I had a black plumb.
For lunch I had about a cup and a half of macaroni and cheese, it was one of those Smart Ones dinners worth 6 points if that helps anyone. I had 2 cups of watermelon for my snack at 3pm, and then a lovely salad with fat free Italian dressing and about 3 oz of salmon for dinner. About 3 oz of salmon is the size of your palm and for me to my first knuckle because my hands are small. I remembered that from one of the thousands of other diets I've been on. As a treat at about 8pm, my husband surprised me with a dessert dish of diet jello chocolate pudding. It measured somewhere in between half a cup and 2/3 of a cup. It was lovely and the last thing I ate for the day. Of course the 64 ounces of water was done too.
I started the day out by looking in the mirror and telling myself I looked nice with the red hue of the sunburn I got yesterday at the pool. Sadly I have to report that I didn't believe me. It was frustrating to know that. I tried again later telling myself that I looked healthy with the color. Again all I could muster up was disgust for the lie. I definitely DO NOT look healthy...YET.
So I thought about it for a long time and later tried a third time while washing my hands in the pool lavatory. I told myself that I looked better with the sunburn than without it. It was true.
I think that being our own worst critics makes telling ourselves something nice very difficult. Lying just wont work. Try to make it a truthful statement; one that you can believe and then...smile at yourself. That was even harder.
One thing I learned yesterday is that plans change "on the fly." It's not that I didn't know that happens but I was trying to structure plans around my diet needs. NOPE! ...Not going to happen for me. I learned that I need to structure my diet needs around "the fly." My lifestyle dictates that things are not structured. I work all day-40 hour weeks, then go to college at night where I am currently maintaining a 4.0 GPA. Class times and days change every semester. I work on my novels, am a wife and mother (Though he needs me less...I still am needed from time to time), as well as a good friend, and wear several other "hats" in between. (Sound familiar?) Structure is not something there is an overabundance of in my lifestyle right now. Truthfully I like it that way. I'm busy. I'm around people. I'm moving and shaking...and dreaming and reaching... I hurdle whatever obstacle gets thrown into my path, and there are a bunch same as you. So- it wasn't a real shock when plans changed and I had to redirect in process of carrying out the original plan. Hence the words "on the fly."
My nephew got sick and the excursion at the pool did not take place with the crowd of the day before. I went by myself and found no one there, called to find out what happened and then waited for my husband. I called him because he was coming straight from work about an hour or so later to meet up with 'us.' He told me to wait for him and we'd share the time anyway at the pool. Of course I complied. Time alone with my hubby? I'm good... I had so much time to think before he arrived. That is a good thing for me. I love that kind of time and in my busy life it is pretty rare.
I also love to people watch. (I may not have mentioned yet but I write fiction novels and my first one will be coming out sometime this fall. Characters and story plots are built this way, which is why I'm mentioning it now. The title is "Identity Theft, it's murder" if you are interested in reading it. I would love for you to read it.) Anyway:
I saw a very handsome, very tan man approach a pack of women and children not too far from me. My sunglasses allowed for me to watch unnoticed. The women all stood up and he kissed each one in sequence in a nice greeting filled atmosphere. I heard that same man tell one of the women that she looked good. I wondered why he was saying that. There could be many reasons; one of which was that-although chubby- her hair and nails were done and she was dressed perfectly. (or) Maybe she is a fellow dieter? Maybe a fellow surgery survivor? Who knows.
I watched as she waved his compliment off as if it were nothing. He smiled but his eyes said something else to me. He was bothered in some way by her response. It was only for a split second but it was there. It was a "wow" moment for me (or an 'Aha moment,' as Oprah would say...I'm am a huge fan of hers) as I watched him transition back to the former shallow greetings of seconds before; I felt sorry for him. Then I felt sorry for her. Those thoughts led me to thinking deeper thoughts about how I handle those types of situations myself. I continued to watch as I did so. He gave her no other attention than that. I don't know them or the relationship at all, but if I were writing it, it would become star crossed love issue of some type or a reason behind murder twisted into chaos for two lovers.... My mind wandered afterward, admitting my own fault in this area.
I too am guilty of doing that. My closest friends have told me that I don't accept a compliment well. We should at least say thank you to the person offering up the statement. I'm trying to do a complete makeover as I go along the diet trail. The makeover has to fit my true lifestyle though... so, To those I've waved off in a similar situation I apologise. I will conciously try to do better. To those who have waved me off, I understand. It's hard not to be your own worst critic. It's hard to break that pattern after years of habitual use. Try. Think about it and try. I have to work on that too. It might be a self esteem thing.
Another thing I remembered helping me along the diet trail was to tell my friends. It's embarrassing to do that for me for some reason. It is a good thing to do because then they can actually support you rather than sabotage your efforts. They might be sabotaging unknowingly. If they do that knowing how hard you are working then maybe the friendship should be reconsidered. If they are really your friend and you are as important to them as they are to you then they will get behind your efforts for when a boost is needed, and believe me the time will come. Its just simply part of the process. Your friends have to be part of your plan. I know its embarrassing. It's the why part I'm unsure about. Why am I embarrassed? Believe me they see what we do- just from a different angle and heart shaped eyes. Tell them. You'll gain their respect- and you'll gain self respect. Plus, when you get down to your goal you'll need a shopping partner! Who better than your friends!
That's my next point. Seeing it. I'm a pretty big fan of "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes. I've read every book, and every book suggested in the network. I have watched the DVD numerous times, given it and the book to about 30 different friends and loaned mine out to bunches of others. I have the CD in my car and I literally listen to it daily. My point is to visualize what you want. See it clearly in your head. Tell yourself you can eat whatever you want and get to your perfect weight- but THEN take action. Tell yourself that what you want are foods healthy for your body and that you can maintain a lifestyle eating to keep your perfect weight. Taking action is a big part of the secret too. That's huge, but not fully understood in my opinion.
Visualization is an excellent tool and totally free. It takes only minutes a day. I did it at the pool yesterday. I just closed my eyes and played a movie in my head. No one knew what I was doing. No one knew what I was seeing. I'll share it with you though. I saw myself as a world renowned author, wearing a beautiful fitted red dress and signing my books for numerous fans. My mother and siblings were ALL there; feeling and showing pride in me. I had a crowd of fans...an uncountable number. We were smiling, everyone knew my work and adored it. I looked spectacular in the dress! It was a wonderful feeling. I actually felt myself smile at the fantasy I was making up in my head. Try that too. I know time is limited for most of us. Our schedules are hectic. I found a way to do it. I have a few minutes in my car before I actually have to go into work. I visualize then.
Oh yes, before I forget, I'm sure that you are wondering if I actually wore the bathing suit or not. I promised you the truth and I really make it a purposeful act NOT to break promises because SO many made to me have been broken. The answer is yes. I started out in a light comfortable sundress. None of the crowd showed as I mentioned. When my husband arrived we decided to take a dip. It was about 2pm by then- two hours and change after I'd arrived. I changed into the horrid thing at that point. We were there until 5:30 pm. It was a lovely day. I did not let my body hold me back from enjoyment and I swam back and forth a few times. I guess you could call it laps but it was light swimming just to get my body moving and some free exercise. I enjoyed myself.
I'll sign off on that note because my son and his wife are joining us today at the pool. Yes, I am wearing my bathing suit again. Luckily- those are two of the people who look at me through those heart shaped eyes we discussed earlier. My son is the love of my life and his fathers. I look at him through those same eyes. My husband and I lost our daughter twenty years ago on Sept. 16 to SIDS. Her death was horrendous. Our third child was still born in my 7th month of pregnancy- a boy. When my son married I felt like it was the closest thing I ever had to the experience of having a daughter here on earth with the exception of one young friend who is their age. I look at my daughter-in-law through heart shaped eyes as well and dream of the closeness we will grow into.
Come back tomorrow and add comments, ideas or whatever insights you want to share. In the meantime, take care of you... Remember- you look the best you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better! ;-)