Sept. 12, 2009 Diet Blog

Today was completely Topsy turvy. We were out until the wee hours of the morning and I really wanted to sleep in but tossed and turned all night. I could not shut my brain off. The night had literally turned on a dime. An XBFF that I once adored came into our place of karaoke close to the end of the night much to my surprise and dismay. When X walked in I was immediately uncomfortable and my first instinct was to head for the door.
I couldn't do that to the people I was with though because they were having so much fun and I would never take that away from them. Up until that moment I was also having fun beyond the norm. I had made many new friends and was asked to sing with several total strangers. I was told that I was 'absolutely adorable' by a cowboy and that I had 'the cutest personality' by yet another patron. It was lovely. I accepted my compliments with grace and dignity to that point. Anyway, X had hurt me pretty bad back in the day; apologised after being caught and I, in my usual nature forgave X.
X repeated the same actions that led to our friendship break up and asked for forgiveness a second time. Again I forgave. X did several more things that I also forgave. It was abuse in a sense. In case you haven't figured it out I'm the 'heart rules my head type' and it gets me in trouble every time. To make a long story short, X looked for fault in me after that as a constant tactic against my happiness, or so it seemed; Not a good type of friend to keep. I know that now. I think I always knew.
I guess X wanted to balance the scales or something. I don't really know for sure why that happened. When X couldn't find a real fault, X felt that it was okay to invent one. X then proceeded to twist a scenario made up in their head, give me a bunch of unfounded, undeserved labels and demanded an apology for the incident that never occurred in a very angry fashion. I gave a lame excuse for one. I was so shocked and hurt. I cried for an entire afternoon. At that point I knew the friendship was futile. It could not be saved.
It required great strength for me to take action in my own defense and doing what had to be done was rough. Ask me to defend a woman or a child or anyone else, I'm a Tiger with full claws out; being a black belt in two styles I am not kidding when I say that. When it comes to defending myself though...I'm not sure why, but I'm a helpless wimp... usually. Not this time. Two weeks later I ended the friendship with an evely toned but very stern, short and sweet quip: "Go in peace. I'm not interested in your BS anymore and you don't deserve me." I meant it. X never answered me and never contacted me again. We have not spoken, nor have I seen X. I do admitt to hurling thoughts of the broken friendship around in my head for weeks.
It was the expected response however. X has serious issues with being caught at things and being seen in a negative light by others. X knows I'm not that kind of a person and will not ever tell anyone what actually went down in full. X was right. I swallowed it until now. It's been awhile since I've seen X and after the initial stun wore off it still hurt. You can't imagine how much...or maybe you can. I trusted X. I confided in X. X knew exactly what buttons to push to hurt me and did so at will back then. I thought X was truly a friend. The kind I loved and really did not want to dismiss. X had portrayed them self as someone they were really not. I forgave because I understood. But the reality and size of that false portrayal was astounding at the end. It's so hard to explain...the emotions are still so raw.
X greeted me with a kiss and a squeeze of my hand. It was so familiar. Too familiar. I felt myself close off momentarily and then X sat next to me as if nothing in the world had changed between us. It had. I felt it hard. To that point I had spent the entire night sipping one half glass of wine. Drinking water on the side.
X offered to get me another. I gracefully declined. Another friend came in with X and they brought me one anyway. I ended up drinking the half left and the entire new glass of wine before the night was through. During that time I shared forced time with X. Some of it was pleasant. X is very funny and a good karaoke singer. The rest of the time had me tense and upset while trying to hide that fact from the fun loving crowd I was with and shockingly from X too. I don't know why. Being myself was a grueling moment by moment all out war between my head and my heart. It was exhausting.
My point, if you haven't guessed is that emotions caused me to put myself, my needs and my diet on the back burner. My self esteem hit the skids too. X complimented my hair and my nails. I couldn't shrink away fast enough. Needless to say, I SOOOO did not have a battle plan for the emotional elevator ride I took. No one knew except Blairstown BFF, whose lap I all but climbed on to, to get away from X who referred to me by an endearing nick name and talked loudly into my ear because of the noise. It was unnerving. Blairstown BFF was very supportive. She also noticed the wine incident. She knew all about X from back in the day too. I'm not the only victim of this I later discovered; there were many. But that's another story.
For me, eating isn't always about hunger. It's about stress, depression, anxiety...emotions that are raw and hard to deal with. I'm going to think about how to substitute something else for that kind of reaction to a situation. I haven't come up with a plan yet. I pretty much spent the day torturing myself over it.
I had no breakfast and no 10am snack but I had grilled chicken on a whole wheat bagel with lettuce and a smidgen of mayonnaise with a diet raspberry Snapple for breakfast, lunch and the two snacks. For dinner I am having some roast chicken thigh and water melon slices. I have a container, it looks to be 2 cups or so.
I'm off to support the friend that runs the karaoke in a new place tonight. I'm going to stick to diet coke. It's easier. At least if someone purchases me another drink it won't damage my diet. That's only part of the battle plan. I'm still working on the rest of it. I'm going to try and have a good time regardless.
I chose not to weigh in until a month has passed by. I don't feel like I need depression because of a number to top of my growing list of emotional issues to deal with. I'm sorting them all out one by one. I'll keep you posted on the progress. I promised you I'd tell you the entire truth on here good or bad, and I will. If you have any ideas that can help me or any other struggling dieter please post them!
Remember: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let you perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Keep positive. We're in this together. Saga to continue tomorrow. ;-)