September 26, 2009 Diet Blog

Let me start off by mentioning for those of you that have followed the entire blog so far, that I was able to retrieve the lost September 15 file. While I was trying to learn how to put a photograph on, I accidentally came across the method of retrieval. It was in the edit drafts area of the blog that had been thus undiscovered by me until this point. I was very excited. I still have not figured out how to put the picture on but bear with me, I will succeed at it as well.
My day began with Oatmeal for breakfast. It went completely awry from that point. I took my nephew shopping as his belated birthday gift. We went to the mall. We were there until about two. I ate nothing and drank nothing because the mall is junk food heaven and I didn't want to wreck my current 'roll.' Sadly I couldn't hold on to it.
My nephew decided on what food he would like for his special dinner. Mexican. Not my favorite so I figured that I would be alright even though I was really hungry. We met his mom and his sister there. I looked at the menu and saw chicken ranch sandwich. I was elated. In my mind I was going to be able to eat and still stay the course. When the sandwich came I knew I was sadly mistaken. It was deep fried chicken with lettuce and tomato on a sesame seed roll with spicy sauce of some sort. It came with fries and a margurita. I did not eat the fries but I had to eat the sandwich and drink the margurita because the sandwich was so spicy it made my eyes water. I also downed 3 diet cokes afterward. It was getting late and I was expected at another party.
I went straight to the party telling myself that there was no need to eat because I was full from the sandwich and I inwardly praised myself for not eating the beloved french fries, which are one of my favorite things. It couldn't be helped I told myself, you can still do okay for the day. I think I even believed myself. The party was nice. Just a bunch of neighbors and family; very casual. Around nine o'clock someone took orders for pizza and ordered delivery. I gracefully declined but I was getting hungry. There was only junk snacks before the pizza came. I ate none.
The fella carrying in the pizzas was also carrying chicken fingers and bbq sauce on the top and tripped. The bbq sauce and the chicken fingers landed all over me. My hair, my shirt, and my pants were totally splattered. My BFF got out spray and wash and scrubbed as much of it off of my light colored sweatshirt as possible. I made light of it, laughing with everyone. You know; what're you going to do? Stuff happens right? It wasn't like it was a malicious act of some kind. It was an accident- for which I was apologised profusely to.
It was getting cold outside though and I was soaking wet from the spray and wash. Low and behold, the two dogs fall in love with me. It got really funny actually. I wasn't mad, just put into an unwanted spotlight.... It wasn't long after that that the champagne came out for whatever celebration was occurring and that got spilled on me too. It was as if there was a target on me! Anyway, I promised to be truthful and so I will...I'm sorry to have to write that I gave up at that point. I had a tiny piece of the pizza- like half of a half of a slice if it was that much and I had champagne. I had three glasses of it. It was fine champagne in beautiful crystal glasses too; you can imagine my appearance by that point holding this magnificent bubbly. To add insult to injury the women there, including my BFF were all blonds with nice bodies. I was so big in comparison to them. Instead of doing the right thing, I literally gave up. I had drank wine with my BFF before that when I was still trying to maintain some kind of control. It wasn't that I didn't care. I just couldn't do it. The situation was impossible. I'm weak I guess.
I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly but I'm only semi succeeding. I can't change it but I had the choice and blew it in the heat of the real battle. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be like everyone else. I mean all of the girls at that party indulge in foods and drink on a constant basis and remain beautiful. Why is that? In my head Kirsty Ally is screaming out "its the damn code!"
I'm feeling pretty 'done' with the whole traumatic experience; just cooked...stick the fork in kind of done. I'm disappointed in me. I had a nice time yesterday, but always and ever I'm forced to suffer through the underlying emotions that I've been describing to you along our path. Tell me about yours; won't you? Is there a battle plan for this? If you have any ideas, I'm beyond open to hearing them. I'm feeling a little low at the moment. How could I choose wrongly after the week I've remained steadfast through. (sigh) But I have to take a deep breath in and let all of it go with the exhale.
I'll sign off in our usual fashion because I need to drill this into my head: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will be that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. (Even if it is covered with bbq sauce.) Stay positive. See you next time. ;-)