January 2, 2011 Diet Blog

So- we're into the New Year, and I'm at day 2 of the recovery diet plan. I'm fighting the urge to binge as hard as I can. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't bite my nails...I eat. I've read a lot about it and it seems that I put the food in to 'swallow' things I cannot handle. The 'fat' keeps the world at least an arms length away and works much like armor did back in the days of Knights. It's a defense mechanism for lack of better terminology. Still, knowing this and seeing the progress my body has made in the last year did not stop me from regressing.
I didn't just regress- I went on a ramped self destruction binge. It was out of control. I knew but I didn't care, except for a moment or two here and there of lucidity where I realized the damage. Still, in an act of sheer defiance against myself I put the next item into my mouth. ALL of the food was junk. I lost complete control for nearly three days. I felt ill; sick...but not from the binge. It was from the events that occurred with the second in command at my job.
I've handled so much in my life time. My Dad left when I was five- never to return until I was forty four, seeking absolution on his death bed. I gave it. My mom ...well that's a long and lengthy tale that can be summed up in one sentence. I was an accident and she's sorry I was ever born. The truth there is that she doesn't love me. She's not capable of love. I guess her own background did that to her.
I suffered through a severely abusive childhood at the hands of her significant others and am one of eight- seven siblings from three fathers that we know of, and one sister from the second father who was adopted out, that we just found several yrs ago. I jumped from the frying pan to the fire and married at nineteen; a young alcoholic who was physically and mentally abusive with me...my first love...bad taste in men... I married better the second time.
I lost two children; my daughter of SIDS, my son stillborn. Deaths of people I love. My mother turning the siblings against each other with lies that she told- her MO throughout her life...getting off on watching the drama. My husbands family not seeing me as 'good enough' for their (far from) perfect family... my brother in laws suicide, the list goes on and on... these are just the highlights...
I've chosen not to dwell on these things and to improve my life and the lives of others if I'm able to do so. I hope to do this through my writing. I talk to the Lord often. I think he listens. When things get completely unbearable, he sends me a sign. Once, when I had no home and was living 'around' until I finished high school, I was at my Aunts house in Selden Long Island. She's a very devout worshiper of the Baptist faith. I listened to her and her minister. I prayed hard that night because I felt so unloved and unwanted. I wanted to be sure that I belonged on earth. The Lord showed me a single star in the black sky that night. It came out right when I was looking up into the heavens...and I believed. I carried on through that pain and promised I would love deeply and as many as I was allowed to.
More recently, I was in Hawaii at the Honolulu Zoo in October 2010 of all places. I was helping a new/old friend from grade school through a rough time as best I could among other things. I saw angels within a banyan tree tunnel of roots. Unknown to some I was suffering through a personal issue where once again I was feeling the knowledge or sense of being unwanted and unloved. I was thinking about my books and my dreams- which no one in either family seems to support me in fully- the angels appeared then. They did not speak. One waved. I snapped a picture. It's hanging in my cubicle at work. That same week I went to the hope chapel in west Oahu. There was a brand new pastor speaking that day. He moved me to tears right there in the church. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I know it was God. He does that. My work is going to help others. It will happen. I have to keep striving forward because the right time is near. I believe that.
I try to deal with the world using compassion. So many things have happened to me that I believe I really do posses the ability to help others. You can understand a skinned knee, but until you've actually skinned your knee, you can't really know what it feels like to skin your knee. I think that's why God gave me so much to handle. He doesn't give you more than you can handle- I know that- so clearly he gave me a massive amount of strength...sadly he also created chocolate lol.
When the second in command expressed feelings of wanting to die- it threw me. His life is good from this angle. He's wealthy, he has two living parents who love him, a nice car, a nice home...the thing that he does not have is a spouse. I wonder if he's lonely. Though he and I are nothing alike, I can certainly identify with THAT feeling. It's overwhelmingly depressing to be lonely. God brought him to tell ME. I do not understand why, except that my background dictated that I HAD to tell someone in order to get him help. For whatever reason- this is a part of God's plan for me. I don't understand yet- but I think that I will in time. I want to. And so I'll regain control of myself and try to do that.
Once I got to that point- I put the food down and took the first step on my journey towards health. I began with the first minute- then the first hour and so forth. Much like when I saw the first star that night as a young girl, the pain and the situation will not go away magically. The 'miracle' is in the fact that I know that I'm not alone, and that I have it in me to handle whatever happens because the right thing was done here. He told me in my heart- it's going to be okay.
Though this blog isn't seen by the entire world (...yet lol) I think I'm doing it to help at least one of you....preferably ALL of you.
Close your eyes and picture my hand taking yours. Feel the warmth and the gentle squeeze I'm giving you. We can do it. We are NOT alone. We have God, and we have each other.
See you next Blog. xo