It's been a day filled with turmoil. Both inner and outer. The outer is about the car and dealing with the things involved to resolve the matter. It's hard to maintain the level of forgiveness that I want to but I am giving it my best shot. That's where the inner turmoil comes in.
I talked to my son for a long time today about the matter of the car. I talked about the forgiveness. I told him about seeing the cross in the sky while in Florida to lead into how I felt I should deal with the emotions. He said that when one is among religious, Godly people that worship like my friends in Florida, they often they tend to 'see' things in that light. He said in example, that he'd place a bet that his Dad would notice a lot more accidents today- not because there are more than usual, but because THAT is what is on his mind. In his opinion that was why I saw the cross. I understood the scientific reality of that but really- the coincidences are piling up for me. I chose not to mention the Angels in my dreams and in the smoke at the Holy Land experience. I haven't told a soul, I've only written it here. The inner turmoil I face has to do with that.
Maya Angelou said that 'you are a child of God. If you get; give. If you learn; teach.' I heard those two points the loudest within her testimony to love on Oprah's new show called The Master Class or something like that. It was the first time I've seen it in its entirety except when Jay Z appeared on the opening day. Anyway, that's what she said and I HEARD her...INSIDE. Does that make sense?
The book tour in Memphis is turning and twisting like the smoke turned into Angels that day. The girl setting it up has television interested and now she thinks she can get the SIDS organization on board! I'm so excited that I could burst! THAT is the dream. The reality behind my climb...coincidence? How could it be? I've never felt more blessed, or more forbidden to share it. Why is that? I'm writing this here so that its documented somewhere. The people on this blog are WITH me and I with THEM. It'll be okay to tell it here, but I want to scream it!
The diet pelted into the ether's today. I cannot seem to pull myself together. The talk with my son triggered it I think. I kind of went a little crazy trying to make him NOT think I AM crazy. I hid what I think and what I honestly believe happened to me...more than once.
There's a scientific reason behind it- I forget the name. Basically he said, you can see anything if you look at a pattern long enough, is the layman's definition. I don't know. My heart tells me something unscientific is at work here. I think my work might be blessed. It's real. Maybe this little spec of a nerdy girl can make a big difference to another mother one day...save a baby, or help to do that. I'm so unsure of myself sometimes...lately with my boss and then Florida and now the car and the unexplained sadness I feel at not being able/allowed to reveal what I REALLY think without being 'weird.'
It IS weird. I get that. But its real. OR maybe I have flipped my cork. AARRGG!!
So that's been the day. I'm at constant war. There's literally no way that I can turn that there's not a disaster happening in front of me, or behind and around me. Frustrated loved ones at EVERY turn. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, they all think I'm odd already- clearly they are right. It has ALWAYS been the case....see what I mean?
I'm still struggling. Join hands with me and lets get through it together though. Let's get control of it before it gets control of us and all of the fat comes back. Let's figure out a different way to deal with the troubles of our separate realities as a group. (If I say turn to God, it's because I find my life bearable in his light and warmth. If that makes me odd man out I guess I'll just have to live with that.)
In the mean time, I'm going to fight to get control of myself again. The discipline factor is severely lacking. I'm going to go back and read my own blog to see how the heck I grabbed hold and actually held on. Take care of you. See you next blog...which will not be tonight- promise! ;-)
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