January 1, 2011 Diet Blog

Happy New Year everyone. I hope you had a great time whether you stayed in like me or went out on the town. I originally had plans to go out but just before the new year I had an awful experience at work. Someone confided in me that they do not want to live, to make a long story short. It was my opinion at the end of the conversation that he was suicidal. This person is in a position of authority in the court where I work. I do not have the kind of relationship with this person that would enable me to help in any other way than the one I chose.
To give you the story briefly, this person is in the position to hurt me employment wise. He has been noticeably deteriorating since July. He literally went from being a self important, arrogant, pompous peacock who thought that the entire world was beneath him to a pale, gaunt, filthy version of grizzly Adams with an ego problem. He was always one to make a mountain out of a mole hill with any ailment he had. People correctly placed him in the category of hypochondriac. Yes- I am his subordinate. I am kind. I listen to whatever- I truthfully care if he's feeling bad and express that because it's truth rather than the negative, but would not 'friend' him outside of the office...ever.
I had a document that needed to be signed and I was NOT bringing it to him. He saw me with it and told me to bring it to him. I did as I was told. He asked me to shut the door and then he began to talk. Much of the talk was crazy talk. He told me how rich he was; that he was so good looking; that he was never one to lose his temper; never one to eat junk food; about being a victim of mal practice where blood pressure medication was concerned...swore me to absolute secrecy...self important, ego boosting stuff. The coward that I am I disagreed to none of it, but did not actually agree either. I have not met that version of him in the 7 years I've been there.
The crazy talk went into depression. He didn't celebrate Christmas-couldn't get out of bed- wishes he could go to sleep and never wake up, doesn't forget (he said in a nasty way) who did him wrong... (I think it was a threat about saying what he was telling me, at least I did at the time.)
I suggested talking to his priest, getting help of some kind, and told him that he was still here-he could turn things around. I told him about my Aunt Carol and how they gave her two months (which amounted to 3 weeks) and how she surrounded herself with loved ones bringing us all together and smiling... he said he just didn't want to be here anymore. He refused any of the suggestions.
My brother in law-as you may remember- committed suicide in 2008. Just before Fathers Day that year. It was awful. He said that EXACT sentence. It frightened me beyond his normal/typical crying 'wolf' scenarios. I went home completely unhinged. I did not know what to do. This man can be vicious. I've seen him punch the water cooler when there was no water- like I mentioned I NEVER met the guy he sees himself as...
I told my husband just because I needed to talk to someone- ANYONE about what had gone down on that Tuesday. He suggested that I let someone at work know, because carrying yet another huge weight like that on my shoulders might make me sick too. I didn't sleep a wink but the outcome was my decision to tell. If it was a choice between getting fired or saving his life- whether I like him or not- guess which was more important?
Wednesday I went in and told my immediate supervisor. She admitted that he had uttered that same sentiment to her. By nature she is quiet, kind and gentle. She was keeping it to herself and suffering through it much as I had done all night. At that point I believed that he may try to really harm himself and I went higher and brought it to the third in command- he being the second. In my mind my sister in law cried with confusion and devastation on her face; the things that her children said and asked of me since the death of their father by his own hand plagued me.
By the time I got a moment of her time I was completely disheveled. I began crying uncontrollably in her office. At first I think she saw it as him crying wolf as usual, but my reaction to it changed that opinion. She later took it to the Judge, who called me into his chamber and I cried again. I did not realize how much my brother in laws death had effected me until the second in command at work put me into that same position.
He told the new girl at the front desk- the one that replaced me- that he didn't think he would be around much longer. She felt that he was dying from whatever ailment had changed him so drastically. She didn't know what had gone on with me and he had not sworn her to secrecy. I had to reattach my jaw. I did do the right thing by telling. Clearly- something is WRONG with him whether or NOT he's suicidal or crying wolf as usually believed.
Though retaliation of any kind is against the rules, my fear is that now they'll invent some plausible reason to get rid of me. The economy is bad. My book is doing OK, but I cannot quit my day job. Still, the right thing is to sacrifice the job to save the life. I believe that the Lord will look upon me favorably for that. I suffered through that day.
Thursday I went in and the third in command stopped from her busy schedule, hugged me and asked if I was OK. I apologised for flipping out the way I did. She remembered my brother in law and what we'd gone through during his 'illness' for lack of a better word. She was kind and gentle. None of us know what to do here. She said that he's been telling people that stuff since July; he'd been refusing to go get help even though its free since that time too and that he chose to tell me because of my brother in law and that she found it to be cruel. She apologised unnecessarily on his behalf. If that's true- I do too, but I think its more like a VERY SICK man screaming for help as loud as he can, yet its only a whisper... He did call her that day, which I found great relief in and sobbed once inside the privacy of my cubicle.
My co-worker in the new department had overheard me talking to the first supervisor because her cubicle is next to the supervisors. She came in and saw me sobbing. She held me for awhile. I was glad when the Judge dismissed us for the Holiday. I didn't go out on New Years Eve though the original plan was to go see my surrogate Grand daughter (not blood) but I just could not get into a good spirit. I stayed home- climbed into bed and slept, though not soundly for the first time since the second in command told me those things.
I'm still quite upset. I also broke my diet worse than I ever have in those three days. I couldn't get enough bad food...junk food...it was like a drug. I needed a shovel. I was spiraling. I took control of myself again this morning and am praying for the divine hand of God and the Angels to see me through it and to save the life of the second. At this point I have no right to tell you any of the things I usually do. I didn't follow my own advice, and I jumped ship with cement blocks in each hand. I'm starting over fresh today. Reading my own blog- and trying to follow my own advice... join me. Let's do this thing.
Have a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year. May ALL of your dreams come to fruition! Thanks for 'listening.' xo