January 18, 2011 Diet Blog

Okay, so today was a better day. I read my old blogs and discovered that I repeatedly gave the advice to forgive yourself for a past you cannot change and mistakes you cannot undo. I told everyone to start fresh in this moment even if they'd just finished 'cheating' on their diet. I said to take things one step at a time; one day at a time and break it down into hours and minutes if necessary...seconds if needed. I set little goals for myself. I'm setting a cheat day for Valentine's Day. I'm going to give myself permission to have whatever I want on that day, and then the day after Valentine's Day, I set another goal. So that's where I'm going. I'm following my own good advice.
It was hard to get myself going this morning. I felt defeated before I even began the day. It was a total struggle to get down the two flights of stairs to the basement for a shower not to mention getting out of bed at all. It was cold too. It snowed again. My husband went out to shovel the skirt of the driveway and clear off the cars. I actually said thank you to him for doing that. Last year I did it all by myself- A LOT. I thanked him too soon. He's been neglectful lately.
He forgot to do my car, so I scapped the ice encrusted windows to the best of my ability and headed out. I can't be mad. I can do it. It's just that he announced that he would and accepted my gratitude and then didn't follow through so it left my time schedule off.
My mind was reeling though. I played back the few nights that I've been home. The other night when I arrived at the airport two days late, he had fallen asleep and I had to call and wake him up for a ride home. I had no coat and it was freezing so I stood behind the taxi stand right outside of door 5. He couldn't see me and then couldn't getthe car all of the way in. He got angry and literally threw my suitcase into the car like a maniac, complaining in a mean way. I'm surprised he didn't break it he threw it so hard. After heaving it in he slammed the door with such brute force it sounded like a fire cracker. I was shocked. Up until that moment I was SO very happy to be back.
All of the way home he ranted and raved about traffic. Finally I said, "When I pick you up from all of your trips I at least smile." I said it sarcastically. He stopped ranting but it was too late. Then as we were driving down the frozen tundra of the highway he demanded a kiss. I said when we stopped I'd give him one and I did, but my heart wasn't in it. I feel so lost sometimes- I think this is all part of the eating problem. Stress is my killer. I feel unloved, unwanted, not cared about...unless he needs something. I was glad to close my eyes and sleep that night, and every night since. I think I'm depressed-or at least I was but I fought to pull myself out.
This was the first day that felt normal since I've been home. I showered, got dressed and went to work where the people were happy to see me. My friend from Florida phoned. I've admittedly been reluctant to talk to him since our arguement. The call was nice; cordial. He's doing well and feeling good. The talk for his four years of sobriety went great, which was why I text him earlier in the week with one sentence saying that I hoped it went well. (Text...the cowards way out...)
My husband seems to be dealing with the car situation a little better. People sympathize. He loved that jeep. Seeing it smashed to smithereens HAD to hurt...he treats that thing better than he ever treated me, LOL. He was upset that I was back on my diet. I grocery shopped after work and had the immitigated gall to fill the house with healthy things like fruit, vegetables and whole grain bread. Sigh...what was I thinking? (That's not to say I didn't get him his little stash of goodies...just sparingly. He needs to lose weight too...)
On the brighter side- the Memphis book tour is turning into a huge event. There are 200 people expected and SIDS fund raiser execs are coming to speak. THIS could REALLY be IT! The dream coming to fruition- my reality...my dream...in my baby girls name- to save other children...and their moms. The day took an upswing when the emails came in positive. I'm so happy. And so humbled by it all.
I got through today. I'm feeling better. I'll worry about tomorrow- tomorrow when it gets here. In the meantime I'm going to let myself feel happy. I need to feel it. My emotions feel like a push me, pull you these days. Life is good. God has got my back. I forget that sometimes. So what if I see Angels- so what if others don't... so what? It's okay to be close to God. I want to be so close that I'm one with him. Not a bad goal, if I do say so myself. I cannot change the past or other people's thoughts...but I can work towards a future full of faith and love being my guiding light. I can work towards being healthy. I can work towards aiding in the cure of SIDS. I am woman! Hear me ROAR!! ;-)
Have a great day/night/ morning. Thanks for reading. Join me in this adventure towards health! See you next blog!