January 16, 2011 Diet Blog

So- the trip to Florida went great. My ill friend seemed upbeat and very happy to see me. He and his family welcomed me with open arms and treated me as if I were a queen. There was only one minor issue. My friend takes a LOT of medicine and was in great pain one particular day. I think he took too much of the pain medication because he became grouchy, angry and inconsolably nasty.
It felt like he picked a fight with me purposefully...to the point of hurting my feelings so badly that I cried. I begged him-literally to stop. To walk away. He said some things that hurt even now about me. I think he wanted me to cry. He remained calm. He was a psycologist graduate of an Ivy Leaugue school. I couldn't hold a candle to that- not that I thought I'd ever have to. He pushed my buttons like a pro- and didn't let up. Then calmly told me I was upsetting him, causing another stroke... it was awful. I even apologised- not good enough....
We didn't talk for hours and hours and I considered the vacation a bust and wanted to come home. I mentioned it, asking for a ride to the airport as I was at the families mercy for transportation...a dumb move I will not make again- which caused another explosion on his part and then he settled down as I cried a second time. It felt like -and still feels like- he went out of his way to hurt me...like hurting me made him feel good or some odd thing... I'm still unhinged by it all, but anyway, The next day he was back to normal but I was guarded to put it mildly.
I agreed to everything he said whether I agreed or not, getting into No depth what-so-ever, and wished that we could just not talk because I didn't want to upset someone that has already had a stroke, even though that's part of what he accused me of during the nasty phase. There was no one there, just him and me- another mistake I won't make again. I'm not sure -other than the meds- what triggered it, and EVERYTHING I said got twisted into a negative statement- I retreated. I never came fully back from it. I tell you this for a reason. I ate and ate and ate- while I cried and cried and cried.
At that particular point in time I didn't want to be alone with him at all, not to mention that any friendship with me was never going to be the same. He wanted to go to a place called 'The Holy Land Experience" in Orlando Florida. I remember thinking that he needed it VERY much. I had never heard of it, which was fine but It was a weekday and his entire family had to be at work, except his parents who are elderly and one had a doctor's appointment. I was forced into the position of not only being alone with him, but not having a car and so he wanted to drive. (We're talking two hours and change here.) I believed he needed it- I know I did so I plastered a smile on my face and away we went. I put sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes and pretended to be excited about it. Key word: PRETENDED. Should I have to do that? The truth is- I wasn't. I wanted to go home. I was very shocked and hurt- meds being the cause or not!
We pulled up nice and close because my friend is also disabled and needs a handicapped spot. I caught myself asking the angels for assistance through my foul mood as we drove. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. The very first thing I saw were statues of Angels flying overhead and all around a replica of Noah's Ark. 2 of every animal were all around me and I was astonished at the beauty and tranquility of it all. They were life sized! I blurted out "This is seriously cool," before I could stop myself. He grinned from ear to ear and said that he knew I'd love this place. He was right.
We entered into Jerusalem. It was replicated from the bible to full scale and the people were dressed in costume. One exhibit was more magnificent than the next. The play 'The Passion" was done to full scale out of doors as well. The audience was involved in the play. I pleaded for Jesus' life just the same- though I knew that it would be taken. He rose from the dead at the end and we followed him into the kingdom of heaven. I broke away from my friend there. He went to pray for his children. I went to pray for 'the impossible.' There were choices. I wrote my prayer on the small wooden cross provided at the prayer. They took it back to send to Israel, to be buried in the real Holy Land. Closer to God.
We took communion too. We drank wine out of a little wooden chalis. It was given to us as a gift. The chalis I mean, not just the body and blood of Christ- although, let's face it, THAT is the best gift of all....
There was this one exhibit that I have to tell you about. I said nothing because I think people are going to start thinking that I'm nuts but here goes... we were in the exhibit with the Ark- you know like in the movie with Harrison Ford. There was a big tent and that was the temple. It was dark and smoke rose from a fire that was set. The smoke caught my attention as it twisted and curled to form an Angel. She looked at me lovingly and smiled then twisted into my daughter- also smiling. Several other people that I knew and some that I'm not sure if I knew appeared in the smoke and several more Angels. I didn't watch the show. I watched the smoke. I left there knowing I'd seen them again. How does one explain this to people? I see Angels. I believe that I really do. I may be nuts...but what a great way to be that, huh?
I thought about that for pretty much the rest of the trip. I was grateful to be going home when I found out that my flight had been cancelled. The weather apparently. Either way, I was stuck in a place I did not want to be for two more days with a friend who may not be my friend after this. My friend's mother is an amazing Italian woman, and a GREAT cook. She sensed what had gone on and talked to me about it- her son and me arguing that is. (I told NO ONE of the Angel's visit.) She cooked me a wonderful Italian meal. I LOVE her. I guess he's done that to her a time or two. Only thing there is- She HAS to love him. I do not. I still do but I'm still hurt just so you know the outcome.
I went with my friend to AA meetings two times and prayer meetings. I spotted a plane in the air on the way. The white exhaust made a cross. I pointed it out to my friend. Something inside me knew or felt that I was in this exact spot for some reason. I was astonished! HE was clearly trying to get across a message to me. I had to stay. There was a lesson to be learned and I needed to be here with this person to learn it. Okay then, I thought, Let's do it.
I felt closer to God and asked him to grant me the forgiveness in my heart for the things that my friend said. He did grant it but I didn't ask for the hurt to be taken away. I guess I needed to feel that as part of the lesson. Who knows.
But I came to realize that 'fame and fortune' does change people- only NOT necessarily the person who is climbing the ladder. Sometimes the people around them feel threatened or frightened because they feel a sense of loss or that they may lose the friend they love so dearly as they climb that ladder. Please- Oh please everyone...if I give off that 'air' I don't mean to. I love all of you. You are here...watching the climb, helping me up another rung, cheering me on...I want you in my life always. If someone stops me for an autograph- I need to give it but rest assured my attention then goes back to you...my loved ones...my friends... my support system, AND yours!
Anyway, I am not an alcoholic but I learned something there too. My eating habits are addict-like. I have to take things one day at a time just like they do. The only difference? They used alcohol. I used food. The stories are the same. I liked them. I pray for their continued health.
That's about all I guess. The last paragraph is short- but HUGE! Love you. See you next blog. ;-)