I felt kind of bad when I got home on Thursday night so I didn't blog. I was having a go-round with my own mind. I have been doing that lately. Maybe its the medication...I'm not sure. I begin by daydreaming about how different life will be if I actually get the weight off. I see myself walking on the beach, at a pool or in a great big airport wearing comfortable clothes that I look sexy and sassy in on the way to the place where I will be doing a book signing.
The thoughts drift to why its not happening faster and what number the scale is showing and being so large even though I'm trying hard and have been for quite some time- or at least it feels that way. I feel discourages, sad and depressed. Why is it so hard? Stay the course- I tell myself.
My mind then veered again to the nice things that I've been trying to do for others anonymously. I tell the Lord I don't want the instant karma thing to be the reason- I just want to do nice things. I don't want anything unless he feels like helping me do those things. I don't want to be THAT person.
I admit openly that I actually love to tease people and that's whats "in it" for me. I can tease them and if I can help them at the same time- well then so be it. I talk to the Lord often. As it turns out, he listens.
I opened the front desk at work this morning in the usual manner but I forgot to flip over the angel calender. I was explaining all of this to my coworker when I noticed that it needed to be date changed. I flipped it over and the inspirational view of the angels was "Spread your wings and fly with confidence, earth angel." Wow. BOTH things were answered in one moment of time. All I had to do was to pay attention.
After that nice things happened all day. One coworker that I'm cordial with but hold at bay friendship wise offered to help me get a book signing at "Bookends" book store in Ridgewood. She is closely affiliated with the Chamber of Commerce in that town. After I reconnected my jaw I spoke to her at length about it. When she left to go about her day it stuck with me for a long time. Did THAT really happen? Nice things happened to me on a subtle level all day too. It was so wild.
My coworker is doing great on her diet as well and I'm feeling VERY happy about that. She is taking care of her daughters boyfriend right now. He got hurt in a motorcycle accident and has needed several surgeries to repair the damage to his leg. This one should see him able to walk again which is wonderful news for her. His family is far away. She stepped up to the plate as did her entire family. These are truly special people. Just being near her brings me closer to God I feel. Shes the genuine article... she doesn't get anything out of it other than love. I strive to be like that.
I stuck to the diet but my mind is still reeling with feelings of discouragement and low self worth. I just long to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see. One day....
Tomorrow is going to present a pretty big challenge. I have karate early in the morning. A birthday party in the afternoon and karaoke with Blairstown BFF and her friends. Her friends are gay. She felt the need to let me know. I assured her that I have many gay friends. I accept that they are gay if they accept that I am not. Its that simple. She liked my response she said.
So that's it for the last two days. I'm working hard on dieting and trying to pull myself out of this tailspin I've gotten myself stuck in before it spirals out of control. So far I've got the helm. I'll keep you posted.
Remember...and I will try to also: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive...A HUGE thing! See you next blog! ;-)
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