11-17-11 Diet Blog

...or should I call it "non-diet blog...the week from hell continues, climaxing on my drive home from work yesterday. As I arrived at work I promised myself in the car that I'd try to find the positive in the day. That lasted three seconds after I got into the building.
The clerk that had shared her sandwich was sitting hunched over her desk. No one else was in yet. I put my things down and went over to her. Her face was swollen, her eyes were red and blood shot and tears were forming in them. She was taking the jerky guy's termination very hard. I listened. I reassured her that no one else saw it that way. I then offered to handcuff her and drag her off to jail for the vicious crime of sharing her lunch. I got her to laugh a bit and I think she felt a little better.
Moments later we were called together as a group because we'd been exposed to Mercury Chrystals. They sent the third girl in my dept home before she even put down her purse because she was pregnant. The health department representative talked to us and answered questions. The hazmat team came in and used a special vacuum and special cleaner called HGX. They tore up the carpet and we were restrained from that area. They assured us that we were probably fine. They are now testing the air quality. Why were WE not sent home as well. Everyone was stressed.
My supervisor and I dug in and got 40 cases done anyway. I then confided in her about the eye roller, the record room and my feelings about being admonished without a good reason. She agreed that there was no fault on me. She also said that the eye roller hadn't said a word to her so she thought that nothing would come of it. Then she told me that she thinks that we are a great team. Dependability and reliability are wonderful assets in a co-worker. I felt a bit better and left for the day.
On my way home in the car my cell phone rang. I pulled over and picked it up. It was my sister. My cousin's 29 year old daughter died in her sleep last night. My cousin-the mother found her. My sister- the nurse on the scene as they brought her into the hospital didn't realize who it was until after she had flat lined and my sister was putting the information into the computer.
I was okay. I really only knew the 29 year old a little but my mind turned inside out and I remembered finding my daughter like that. It replayed in my mind. It was crazy. I couldn't make it stop. The self loathing- the self blame- questioning every decision you've ever made that could change it- questioning, accusing eyes of people that should've known better... ARGH!!!!Meanwhile I'm trying to cook my husband a nice dinner because he leaves at 4am to go diving in Key Largo Fla. I sobbed throughout the entire process. I felt out of control.
Then I got the text from my Hawaii BFF- you remember him? I helped him move back to Florida-helped him financially...helped-helped-helped and got nothing but Agata for my kindness...anyway, he's moving back to Hawaii. He leaves today. I wished him God Speed and a safe trip, but really, an apology is in order... not that it'll ever happen.
I've learned that giving anonymously is definitely the way I prefer. I've learned that people just take advantage. I feel like nice guys finish last right now and I still have unresolved issues about my daughter's death. If it's all the same Dear Sweet Lord- that's about all of the lessons I can handle right now...thanks-amen...
My diet is trashed. I haven't been able to pull it together. I'm twisted and upset. My emotions are raw... HELP! Any ideas? I SOOOO need a friend...or at least a hug...