November 19, 2009 Diet Blog

I'm having so many thoughts that I can't get one down in type before another fills my mind. My co-worker told me that yesterday's blog made her feel sad. I didn't mean to make her feel that way. I don't want anyone to be sad. I just try to get my crazy emotional turmoil on the blog so that others in the same boat as me know that they are not alone.
Dieting is a rough thing- especially when you're drug of choice and comfort is bad foods. It's an addiction of sorts, like any other I'd imagine. No one wants it. We certainly wouldn't choose it, yet we cannot seem to help ourselves without actually formulating a battle plan or seeking out help... just like medically acknowledged addictions.
This economy makes money to spend on frivolous things a non-entity- at least for me. Those two things combined, plus my desire to support and be supported by others brought this blog to life. The growth pattern is a slow one, but it is growing. Reaching out to others and joining forces is what it's about for me. In order to accomplish that I need to give you the facts. The lives of people effect them negatively or positively- diet or 'drug of choice' -wise. I hope others will identify and it will give all of us a fighting chance through give and take of our ideas.
What made her sad is the fact that I think people see me as a fat person; That I feel that my weight is pretty much all that people see. I do feel that way. That's not to include those people that know me. To quote a good friend, 'they see me through heart shaped eyes.' They see whose locked away under all of the layers...or at least part of her. But really, people that don't know me? Of course all they see is the physical, fat- not cute...me.
My co worker disagreed quite agressively, though sweetly and then as if in a defiant act- the universe joined cosmic forces with her and proved her point. Nope- I'm not kidding.
An older gentleman with a cane came into our court. He was an attorney. He needed to use the bathroom. It is a good distance away and because of his walking issue, he asked if he could leave his brief case behind. I offered to keep it behind the desk. I'm not sure how it came about because I was so stunned by it- but the gentleman told me that I was good looking. I remember that part- but why he told me that is cloudy. (Maybe she'll add it in the comments section...I really have no recollection.) After I scooped my jaw up off of the floor she had plenty to say. It was so funny....
Anyway, my co-worker felt completely vindicated. She was positive that the world saw me different from the opinion that I have. I still disagreed- but with a whole lot less noise, I'll tell you that.... The timing was so odd. (Thank you Angels.)
I'm not sure what I think. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle sometimes and other times I'm sure that I can beat it. I'm still looking for the right answer. I know that its not in a pill or in surgery or in spending an absurd amount of money that I just don't have-at least not for me. I don't knock it for anyone else- whatever works for them, I'm great with! For me though- the reality of it is that I have to figure out how to fit it to me or I'll never be able to maintain it. So far its a slow and painful process. Hell-I wish I could drop 50 pounds overnight...but again, there's that reality thing going on. I had to start at one and go from there. I'll keep you posted as I crawl along. Please keep me posted too in the comment section. I'd love to hear.
For breakfast I had grapes- no 10am snack, for lunch I had smart ones, carrot sticks and yogurt, no 3pm snack, and for dinner I had real pizza. I had crystal light lemonade with it.
I'll sign off here because I still need to think about revamping my feelings about myself. I'm not sure if I'll ever see myself any different, but I will definitely give it some thought. See you next blog. ;-)