It's been a whirl wind weekend. I did mass mailings for the book through email and snail mail, I made calls tried to set up talks...whew! Then it was fun in the sun by the town pool for the weekend. I never made it over to see my Surrogate Grand Daughter because my husbands 50th birthday was Saturday and he wasn't up to it on Sunday. It's fine. Her maternal Grandma was there with her family anyway, so I would have felt like an intruder.
During the week one of the girls at work told me that every extra pound of body weight puts 4 pounds of pressure on your joints. I don't know if that is accurate or not, but it sure feels accurate. My joints ache- especially since I put back on so much of the lost weight. Which brings us to the current pool experience...
I've been solid on the diet for 7 straight days. The scale is unkind and the weight hasn't moved as quickly as I'd like it to. It comes on so fast. I don't see why it won't come off just as fast. That concept has always seemed strange to me, and is accompanied by sheer frustration. Anyway, I'm bigger than I was last year at this time but smaller than previous years. I felt so big and so fat that it was horrible. I kept to myself most of the time, only going out into the open when the heat got so overwhelming that I couldn't bare it. I just kept repeating to myself, you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. I know that I am right about that, still its so awful to be fat and ugly. I hate it. There were beautiful people there, some not so beautiful, a few worse than me. I thought I'd be thin by now. The worst part is that I did it to myself. Why?
My sister in law was there too. She looked absolutely stunning in her leopard bathing suit on Saturday and then her red one on Sunday. She's lost 52 pounds and I absolutely hail and applaude her. She used that HCG diet. (Not sure that I got the letters right- its a pregnancy hormone. You may remember me mentioning it in the past.) I love her but she tries to push this thing at me. I have no uterus. Taking those drops will not be good for me my doctor said. I did ask. (Not to mention the $600 it cost her per diet and she's done 3 sessions) I just forged ahead on what I know is tried and true for me. She looks amazing. I will too, but without drugs and without any kind of costs other than food and new clothes. The latter being one of my favorite things to do when I'm thinner. It was all so depressing. I feel so ugly. I hate feeling this way. I tell no one but this blog. I just continue on. I paste a smile, I participate in conversation, underneath I always feel less than.
I'm struggling along, but I think I've got a lock on it. In the past I chose a cheat day to work towards. My birthday is June 6 but I want it to be further away than that. I'll keep you posted on what I decide, but for right now I just want to stay the course.
I'll sign off here. Enjoy your day everyone!
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