May 6 2011 Diet Blog

Hi. It's been awhile. I'm sorry about that. If you feel as if I've deserted or abandoned you, I admit that I did. I have been on a complete downward spiral-weight wise myself. I've put back on about 15 pounds of what was lost and the more I gained, the more ashamed I was to come back on here and tell you that I'd lost control again. I've heard that it's an addiction of sorts- this eating for comfort thing. It's every bit as hard to quit eating badly as it is to stop smoking, drinking, or abusing narcotics. Funny...I never thought of it that way. I do know that those other things are abused at the low points-frightened points- sad points- scared, frustrated, hurt points...just like I do with food. Bad foods.
So I'm back. I'm not as strong, but once again, I'm going to take the reigns and get back to the business of taking care of me. Someone needs to do it- dirty job that it is, right? Right now I loath myself...I hate the spare tire just under my chest. It's so big that my bras cut into it and leave burn lines across it- painful ones. My but is rippled with cellulite as well as my legs. Not that I was ever really pretty, but I was certainly better than this and I want to feel that again.
The symptoms? It's hard to explain. The book is doing okay- though I give more of the money away than I actually make. That's a good thing and I'm not sorry, but in my life I feel like 'why isn't it happening quicker?' and 'Why must I work so hard for every drop of it, and people like that idiot Charlie Sheen throw it away and label themselves 'winning' while making fools out of themselves? Why were THOSE people born into it, yet refuse to see how lucky they are? I mean there are some wonderful people out there who use fame and resourses to help the world be a better place for others, but the fools are the ones we see. Like I tell people, I do not understand God or the Universe or what the plan is- I can only explain me...I want to find BIG fame, and resourses yes...then I want to use those to make the world a better place too. Along the way I have helped out others not involving SIDS and I'm so glad that I could do that. It's a hard climb though. I'm fighting the good fight.
The book thing, as I said is going well. I cannot quit my day job because I'm at a loss money wise because not only is the cost high, I've given most of the proceeds to needs of others. It's a hard climb and I experience the gamit of emotions depending upon the moment. I've been comforting myself with food.... got to change that somehow.
I feel disconnected with myself lately. I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. I see someone who is not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough...why? I have no idea why. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things. Still, 'she' doesn't measure up in my heart, my mind or my eyes. How does one change that? THAT is what's wrong with me. ALL of this other stuff is just stuff. If I could change that, I think the 'symptoms' would subside.
I'm so disconnected with myself that I can't even cry. I need to cry. My eyes well up but I squash it. It's not a purposeful act, it's just what I'm doing. I guess it's my mind stepping up in a survival tactic so that I won't fall apart. I can't right now. I don't have time. Work all day, school at night, book stuff- massive in between, not to mention family, husband, house etc...you guys know. I don't have to spell it out. My emotions are locked down. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It's gotten strong- the lock, though.
I did a book talk at a University the other day. It was not my usual venue. They wanted me to talk about what inspires me as a writer. (You can find it on youtube by putting in my name and the title of the book.) Anyway, the place was packed with young, brilliant minds and professors. I don't even have my degree yet. I was so honored to have been asked. I told in detail about my background. The people were moved and touched or so they said. I signed books, I GAVE each of the near dozen student staff members one as a gift, signed of course. I liked doing that. My husband showed up at this one. It's the first he's ever been to. I'm glad it was one like this one was, done in such a classy way on such a grand scale. He took the video for me and Blairstown buddy (remember her) did the stills. My searcher vault friend and her husband showed up as well as my son's ex boss. It was nice. It went well. So then why I ask you, did my husband then yell at me for two solid days? He yelled about me asking for help getting the video edited and up on to the youtube. I tried first to do it myself. I struggled for hours. He is computer oriented. Still, he acted like I was asking him to cut his arm off. Together as a TEAM effort, we figured it out. I actually found a way on to the site when he could not- so it wasn't like I sat back and put my feet up. I didn't cry- which is normally what I would've done. Instead I just stared at him. I actually admit to you- I FELT myself disconnect. I haven't been able to reconnect...I'm a little scared. I've been eating out of control- worse than ever since. I'm scared for me. My emotions are here but they are 'next' to me, we are not one. I think when I gain control of my diet and my self esteem they will come back inside me. Right now, the damage must be devastating and it's my way of staying sane.
The same thing happened when 'Dad' used to beat me. Often he'd make up a reason. I was ugly he said. He beat me often for that. My mom has red hair but could never understand why I hate it so. She says its her best trait. I look alot like her. I think he was beating her...but it was me. Do you understand? I would scream so that he thought he was hurting me, but really I watched from beside.
So, now you know where I'm at. I need desperatly to 'pull myself together.' I will keep you posted. I think this blog actually helped me before. Hopefully it will again. Have a great day/ night everyone. See you next blog!