Lost 2 pounds since I began on Wednesday of last week. It hasn't been a full week yet, but I'm not bloated like I was. Clearly it was water weight, but I don't care. I'm just happy about it. I haven't got a complete lock on things yet though. My son got his Master's Degree on Saturday and the following celebration dinner was held at an Italian place. I portion controlled but had a bit of everything, because Italian Food is by and far the favorite food of this home girl! Still, I did okay. It was hard to pull myself back into mode on Sunday but I curbed it then too. So, it would seem that- in the spirit of what I know works best- that I have to make a plan on weekends. My husband dives every weekend- so I'm lonely which is bad. For some reason I'm crying a lot lately. I think it has to do with the loneliness. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but we can be in the same room and he's completely oblivious to anything other than his phone , the TV or his dive magazines. It's like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him of any kind these days. For me- that the equivalent of torture. I cry because- and this is serious- I think loving him might not sustain our relationship for another three decades. I cry because I feel helpless and it's severe. I'm lonely whether he's home or not but its mostly not. He literally dives every weekend all summer long. He dove on Mother's Day- I spent that with his sister and the kids by myself- he dove on the day of the graduation dinner for our son- he showed up late. This week he goes to Florida for four days to dive...and I'm expected to be the dutiful little house Frau that sits at home, cleans the house and anxiously awaits his return. I'm expected to respond to advances that my emotions won't allow me to. Does he know? I'm not sure. I tell him, but its like he doesn't hear me. He hounds me at 5am every day and as I climb into bed for the night to meet his physical needs, but that's it. I feel like I'm all alone- all of the time. I'm pretty sure that this is what is at the base of my current weight issue. It's just awful. Still- I'm set on losing this weight for me. Not for him. I don't think he actually sees me anyway.
And so, with my chin up, I enter the day happier, because at least at work- people speak to me. If I'm not there, they notice. I really feel like I don't ask for much. I don't have diamonds a or fancy clothes, I wouldn't want a fur...the bathroom is still unfinished and the rest of the house is early 1970's, I can't even get him to read my book... but for me- I want to do this. No one else will take care of me so I need to. Sarah Ferguson met with Oprah for Season 25 to promote her new show. Oprah said that "you can't forgive yourself until you learn that you cannot change the past." I found that to be so profound. How many people live like I do, stalked by a past that they had no control over, can never change and still suffer over? Too many to count. Guilt over any acts in the past- same thing! The past cannot be changed. We have to start from this spot and mover forward- not just with our lives, but with our health and yes, with the diet. There's another saying "live in the moment." That's kind of what I say in this blog. You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. We really ARE in this (life) together- so lets make the best of it together! See you next blog.
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