It's been a whirl wind weekend. I did mass mailings for the book through email and snail mail, I made calls tried to set up talks...whew! Then it was fun in the sun by the town pool for the weekend. I never made it over to see my Surrogate Grand Daughter because my husbands 50th birthday was Saturday and he wasn't up to it on Sunday. It's fine. Her maternal Grandma was there with her family anyway, so I would have felt like an intruder.
During the week one of the girls at work told me that every extra pound of body weight puts 4 pounds of pressure on your joints. I don't know if that is accurate or not, but it sure feels accurate. My joints ache- especially since I put back on so much of the lost weight. Which brings us to the current pool experience...
I've been solid on the diet for 7 straight days. The scale is unkind and the weight hasn't moved as quickly as I'd like it to. It comes on so fast. I don't see why it won't come off just as fast. That concept has always seemed strange to me, and is accompanied by sheer frustration. Anyway, I'm bigger than I was last year at this time but smaller than previous years. I felt so big and so fat that it was horrible. I kept to myself most of the time, only going out into the open when the heat got so overwhelming that I couldn't bare it. I just kept repeating to myself, you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. I know that I am right about that, still its so awful to be fat and ugly. I hate it. There were beautiful people there, some not so beautiful, a few worse than me. I thought I'd be thin by now. The worst part is that I did it to myself. Why?
My sister in law was there too. She looked absolutely stunning in her leopard bathing suit on Saturday and then her red one on Sunday. She's lost 52 pounds and I absolutely hail and applaude her. She used that HCG diet. (Not sure that I got the letters right- its a pregnancy hormone. You may remember me mentioning it in the past.) I love her but she tries to push this thing at me. I have no uterus. Taking those drops will not be good for me my doctor said. I did ask. (Not to mention the $600 it cost her per diet and she's done 3 sessions) I just forged ahead on what I know is tried and true for me. She looks amazing. I will too, but without drugs and without any kind of costs other than food and new clothes. The latter being one of my favorite things to do when I'm thinner. It was all so depressing. I feel so ugly. I hate feeling this way. I tell no one but this blog. I just continue on. I paste a smile, I participate in conversation, underneath I always feel less than.
I'm struggling along, but I think I've got a lock on it. In the past I chose a cheat day to work towards. My birthday is June 6 but I want it to be further away than that. I'll keep you posted on what I decide, but for right now I just want to stay the course.
I'll sign off here. Enjoy your day everyone!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
May 16, 2011 Diet Blog
Lost 2 pounds since I began on Wednesday of last week. It hasn't been a full week yet, but I'm not bloated like I was. Clearly it was water weight, but I don't care. I'm just happy about it. I haven't got a complete lock on things yet though. My son got his Master's Degree on Saturday and the following celebration dinner was held at an Italian place. I portion controlled but had a bit of everything, because Italian Food is by and far the favorite food of this home girl! Still, I did okay. It was hard to pull myself back into mode on Sunday but I curbed it then too. So, it would seem that- in the spirit of what I know works best- that I have to make a plan on weekends. My husband dives every weekend- so I'm lonely which is bad. For some reason I'm crying a lot lately. I think it has to do with the loneliness. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but we can be in the same room and he's completely oblivious to anything other than his phone , the TV or his dive magazines. It's like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him of any kind these days. For me- that the equivalent of torture. I cry because- and this is serious- I think loving him might not sustain our relationship for another three decades. I cry because I feel helpless and it's severe. I'm lonely whether he's home or not but its mostly not. He literally dives every weekend all summer long. He dove on Mother's Day- I spent that with his sister and the kids by myself- he dove on the day of the graduation dinner for our son- he showed up late. This week he goes to Florida for four days to dive...and I'm expected to be the dutiful little house Frau that sits at home, cleans the house and anxiously awaits his return. I'm expected to respond to advances that my emotions won't allow me to. Does he know? I'm not sure. I tell him, but its like he doesn't hear me. He hounds me at 5am every day and as I climb into bed for the night to meet his physical needs, but that's it. I feel like I'm all alone- all of the time. I'm pretty sure that this is what is at the base of my current weight issue. It's just awful. Still- I'm set on losing this weight for me. Not for him. I don't think he actually sees me anyway.
And so, with my chin up, I enter the day happier, because at least at work- people speak to me. If I'm not there, they notice. I really feel like I don't ask for much. I don't have diamonds a or fancy clothes, I wouldn't want a fur...the bathroom is still unfinished and the rest of the house is early 1970's, I can't even get him to read my book... but for me- I want to do this. No one else will take care of me so I need to. Sarah Ferguson met with Oprah for Season 25 to promote her new show. Oprah said that "you can't forgive yourself until you learn that you cannot change the past." I found that to be so profound. How many people live like I do, stalked by a past that they had no control over, can never change and still suffer over? Too many to count. Guilt over any acts in the past- same thing! The past cannot be changed. We have to start from this spot and mover forward- not just with our lives, but with our health and yes, with the diet. There's another saying "live in the moment." That's kind of what I say in this blog. You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. We really ARE in this (life) together- so lets make the best of it together! See you next blog.
And so, with my chin up, I enter the day happier, because at least at work- people speak to me. If I'm not there, they notice. I really feel like I don't ask for much. I don't have diamonds a or fancy clothes, I wouldn't want a fur...the bathroom is still unfinished and the rest of the house is early 1970's, I can't even get him to read my book... but for me- I want to do this. No one else will take care of me so I need to. Sarah Ferguson met with Oprah for Season 25 to promote her new show. Oprah said that "you can't forgive yourself until you learn that you cannot change the past." I found that to be so profound. How many people live like I do, stalked by a past that they had no control over, can never change and still suffer over? Too many to count. Guilt over any acts in the past- same thing! The past cannot be changed. We have to start from this spot and mover forward- not just with our lives, but with our health and yes, with the diet. There's another saying "live in the moment." That's kind of what I say in this blog. You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. We really ARE in this (life) together- so lets make the best of it together! See you next blog.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
May 10,2011 Diet Blog
Haven't actually dieted but have gained some control of the reigns. I've made the decision to go back to what was 'tried and true.' In other words- what worked for me. I seemed to go askew when I changed to my sister-in-laws diet. I did okay then went to Memphis---and THAT was all she wrote, so to speak. It's gotten so far out of hand that my clothes are completely uncomfortable. SO it's time to get back to the business of doing the right thing. That diet is great...for her. Me? It didn't work for. I'm going back to the basics and just eating to feel un-hungry, and eating for health. THAT is what works for me-though a MUCH slower process. Not that my sister-in-law doesn't look FABULOUS. She absolutely does- BUT I do not. It was working the older way- even on trips and that type of thing- so I'm going for it! Tonight I hit the grocery store and then I'm on track!
The weird thing about it is that I'm actually happy. In thinking about it, I have always 'handled' my negative emotions with food as the comfort for them. How weird is it that I would use food to 'master' the happy ones? I'm really not used to them. I think that I'm meant to do what I'm doing with the books and the talks. It feels SO right, though I'm no where near my potential yet. I think that I'm on a learning curve there...and here...still.
Anyway- I promised to keep you informed and be honest about the struggle- so there it is. Reality. In Black and white print.
I'm still not feeling my best from the weekend. It was Mother's Day. I was alone. I saw my son Saturday, which was lovely, and my husband was diving. So, I had the actual Sunday of Mother's Day, alone. My sis in law (bless her heart) wasn't having any of it. She wouldn't take no for an answer and invited me over. We were outside all day. I have never had 'allergies' until last year. Monday morning I woke up with my eyes literally caked shut, nausea and the biggest headache I've ever had. There was a fire place thing going the whole day too. It seemed like no matter where I moved- the smoke followed me. My throat was also raw. The combo of the two things left me in trouble the next morning. I HAD to call in, which I despise doing on a Monday or Friday- but I couldn't see well. Today -Tuesday- I'm feeling better and heading in.
So on that note let me just remind us all that WE LOOK THE BEST WE CAN FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WE WILL BE THAT MUCH BETTER. DO NOT LET OUR BODIES< OR RATHER OUR INTERPRETATION OF THEM TO GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GOOD TIME. STAY POSITIVE! WE ARE NOT ALONE- WE HAVE EACH OTHER! Enjoy your day/night...;-)
The weird thing about it is that I'm actually happy. In thinking about it, I have always 'handled' my negative emotions with food as the comfort for them. How weird is it that I would use food to 'master' the happy ones? I'm really not used to them. I think that I'm meant to do what I'm doing with the books and the talks. It feels SO right, though I'm no where near my potential yet. I think that I'm on a learning curve there...and here...still.
Anyway- I promised to keep you informed and be honest about the struggle- so there it is. Reality. In Black and white print.
I'm still not feeling my best from the weekend. It was Mother's Day. I was alone. I saw my son Saturday, which was lovely, and my husband was diving. So, I had the actual Sunday of Mother's Day, alone. My sis in law (bless her heart) wasn't having any of it. She wouldn't take no for an answer and invited me over. We were outside all day. I have never had 'allergies' until last year. Monday morning I woke up with my eyes literally caked shut, nausea and the biggest headache I've ever had. There was a fire place thing going the whole day too. It seemed like no matter where I moved- the smoke followed me. My throat was also raw. The combo of the two things left me in trouble the next morning. I HAD to call in, which I despise doing on a Monday or Friday- but I couldn't see well. Today -Tuesday- I'm feeling better and heading in.
So on that note let me just remind us all that WE LOOK THE BEST WE CAN FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WE WILL BE THAT MUCH BETTER. DO NOT LET OUR BODIES< OR RATHER OUR INTERPRETATION OF THEM TO GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GOOD TIME. STAY POSITIVE! WE ARE NOT ALONE- WE HAVE EACH OTHER! Enjoy your day/night...;-)
Friday, May 6, 2011
May 6 2011 Diet Blog
Hi. It's been awhile. I'm sorry about that. If you feel as if I've deserted or abandoned you, I admit that I did. I have been on a complete downward spiral-weight wise myself. I've put back on about 15 pounds of what was lost and the more I gained, the more ashamed I was to come back on here and tell you that I'd lost control again. I've heard that it's an addiction of sorts- this eating for comfort thing. It's every bit as hard to quit eating badly as it is to stop smoking, drinking, or abusing narcotics. Funny...I never thought of it that way. I do know that those other things are abused at the low points-frightened points- sad points- scared, frustrated, hurt points...just like I do with food. Bad foods.
So I'm back. I'm not as strong, but once again, I'm going to take the reigns and get back to the business of taking care of me. Someone needs to do it- dirty job that it is, right? Right now I loath myself...I hate the spare tire just under my chest. It's so big that my bras cut into it and leave burn lines across it- painful ones. My but is rippled with cellulite as well as my legs. Not that I was ever really pretty, but I was certainly better than this and I want to feel that again.
The symptoms? It's hard to explain. The book is doing okay- though I give more of the money away than I actually make. That's a good thing and I'm not sorry, but in my life I feel like 'why isn't it happening quicker?' and 'Why must I work so hard for every drop of it, and people like that idiot Charlie Sheen throw it away and label themselves 'winning' while making fools out of themselves? Why were THOSE people born into it, yet refuse to see how lucky they are? I mean there are some wonderful people out there who use fame and resourses to help the world be a better place for others, but the fools are the ones we see. Like I tell people, I do not understand God or the Universe or what the plan is- I can only explain me...I want to find BIG fame, and resourses yes...then I want to use those to make the world a better place too. Along the way I have helped out others not involving SIDS and I'm so glad that I could do that. It's a hard climb though. I'm fighting the good fight.
The book thing, as I said is going well. I cannot quit my day job because I'm at a loss money wise because not only is the cost high, I've given most of the proceeds to needs of others. It's a hard climb and I experience the gamit of emotions depending upon the moment. I've been comforting myself with food.... got to change that somehow.
I feel disconnected with myself lately. I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. I see someone who is not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough...why? I have no idea why. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things. Still, 'she' doesn't measure up in my heart, my mind or my eyes. How does one change that? THAT is what's wrong with me. ALL of this other stuff is just stuff. If I could change that, I think the 'symptoms' would subside.
I'm so disconnected with myself that I can't even cry. I need to cry. My eyes well up but I squash it. It's not a purposeful act, it's just what I'm doing. I guess it's my mind stepping up in a survival tactic so that I won't fall apart. I can't right now. I don't have time. Work all day, school at night, book stuff- massive in between, not to mention family, husband, house etc...you guys know. I don't have to spell it out. My emotions are locked down. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It's gotten strong- the lock, though.
I did a book talk at a University the other day. It was not my usual venue. They wanted me to talk about what inspires me as a writer. (You can find it on youtube by putting in my name and the title of the book.) Anyway, the place was packed with young, brilliant minds and professors. I don't even have my degree yet. I was so honored to have been asked. I told in detail about my background. The people were moved and touched or so they said. I signed books, I GAVE each of the near dozen student staff members one as a gift, signed of course. I liked doing that. My husband showed up at this one. It's the first he's ever been to. I'm glad it was one like this one was, done in such a classy way on such a grand scale. He took the video for me and Blairstown buddy (remember her) did the stills. My searcher vault friend and her husband showed up as well as my son's ex boss. It was nice. It went well. So then why I ask you, did my husband then yell at me for two solid days? He yelled about me asking for help getting the video edited and up on to the youtube. I tried first to do it myself. I struggled for hours. He is computer oriented. Still, he acted like I was asking him to cut his arm off. Together as a TEAM effort, we figured it out. I actually found a way on to the site when he could not- so it wasn't like I sat back and put my feet up. I didn't cry- which is normally what I would've done. Instead I just stared at him. I actually admit to you- I FELT myself disconnect. I haven't been able to reconnect...I'm a little scared. I've been eating out of control- worse than ever since. I'm scared for me. My emotions are here but they are 'next' to me, we are not one. I think when I gain control of my diet and my self esteem they will come back inside me. Right now, the damage must be devastating and it's my way of staying sane.
The same thing happened when 'Dad' used to beat me. Often he'd make up a reason. I was ugly he said. He beat me often for that. My mom has red hair but could never understand why I hate it so. She says its her best trait. I look alot like her. I think he was beating her...but it was me. Do you understand? I would scream so that he thought he was hurting me, but really I watched from beside.
So, now you know where I'm at. I need desperatly to 'pull myself together.' I will keep you posted. I think this blog actually helped me before. Hopefully it will again. Have a great day/ night everyone. See you next blog!
So I'm back. I'm not as strong, but once again, I'm going to take the reigns and get back to the business of taking care of me. Someone needs to do it- dirty job that it is, right? Right now I loath myself...I hate the spare tire just under my chest. It's so big that my bras cut into it and leave burn lines across it- painful ones. My but is rippled with cellulite as well as my legs. Not that I was ever really pretty, but I was certainly better than this and I want to feel that again.
The symptoms? It's hard to explain. The book is doing okay- though I give more of the money away than I actually make. That's a good thing and I'm not sorry, but in my life I feel like 'why isn't it happening quicker?' and 'Why must I work so hard for every drop of it, and people like that idiot Charlie Sheen throw it away and label themselves 'winning' while making fools out of themselves? Why were THOSE people born into it, yet refuse to see how lucky they are? I mean there are some wonderful people out there who use fame and resourses to help the world be a better place for others, but the fools are the ones we see. Like I tell people, I do not understand God or the Universe or what the plan is- I can only explain me...I want to find BIG fame, and resourses yes...then I want to use those to make the world a better place too. Along the way I have helped out others not involving SIDS and I'm so glad that I could do that. It's a hard climb though. I'm fighting the good fight.
The book thing, as I said is going well. I cannot quit my day job because I'm at a loss money wise because not only is the cost high, I've given most of the proceeds to needs of others. It's a hard climb and I experience the gamit of emotions depending upon the moment. I've been comforting myself with food.... got to change that somehow.
I feel disconnected with myself lately. I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. I see someone who is not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough...why? I have no idea why. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things. Still, 'she' doesn't measure up in my heart, my mind or my eyes. How does one change that? THAT is what's wrong with me. ALL of this other stuff is just stuff. If I could change that, I think the 'symptoms' would subside.
I'm so disconnected with myself that I can't even cry. I need to cry. My eyes well up but I squash it. It's not a purposeful act, it's just what I'm doing. I guess it's my mind stepping up in a survival tactic so that I won't fall apart. I can't right now. I don't have time. Work all day, school at night, book stuff- massive in between, not to mention family, husband, house etc...you guys know. I don't have to spell it out. My emotions are locked down. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It's gotten strong- the lock, though.
I did a book talk at a University the other day. It was not my usual venue. They wanted me to talk about what inspires me as a writer. (You can find it on youtube by putting in my name and the title of the book.) Anyway, the place was packed with young, brilliant minds and professors. I don't even have my degree yet. I was so honored to have been asked. I told in detail about my background. The people were moved and touched or so they said. I signed books, I GAVE each of the near dozen student staff members one as a gift, signed of course. I liked doing that. My husband showed up at this one. It's the first he's ever been to. I'm glad it was one like this one was, done in such a classy way on such a grand scale. He took the video for me and Blairstown buddy (remember her) did the stills. My searcher vault friend and her husband showed up as well as my son's ex boss. It was nice. It went well. So then why I ask you, did my husband then yell at me for two solid days? He yelled about me asking for help getting the video edited and up on to the youtube. I tried first to do it myself. I struggled for hours. He is computer oriented. Still, he acted like I was asking him to cut his arm off. Together as a TEAM effort, we figured it out. I actually found a way on to the site when he could not- so it wasn't like I sat back and put my feet up. I didn't cry- which is normally what I would've done. Instead I just stared at him. I actually admit to you- I FELT myself disconnect. I haven't been able to reconnect...I'm a little scared. I've been eating out of control- worse than ever since. I'm scared for me. My emotions are here but they are 'next' to me, we are not one. I think when I gain control of my diet and my self esteem they will come back inside me. Right now, the damage must be devastating and it's my way of staying sane.
The same thing happened when 'Dad' used to beat me. Often he'd make up a reason. I was ugly he said. He beat me often for that. My mom has red hair but could never understand why I hate it so. She says its her best trait. I look alot like her. I think he was beating her...but it was me. Do you understand? I would scream so that he thought he was hurting me, but really I watched from beside.
So, now you know where I'm at. I need desperatly to 'pull myself together.' I will keep you posted. I think this blog actually helped me before. Hopefully it will again. Have a great day/ night everyone. See you next blog!
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