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January 5 2012 Diet Blog

2012-01-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

Didn't sleep well. Half the staff or more were out at work. Came home exhausted- headache, sore throat...Peanut butter left out, open bread, milk carton empty...hubby definitely home. Still, it was a good day. The work was intermittent- both copiers broke so my job was totally hindered. Still, I let it all go and stayed positive.
The Lord answered some prayers for me today. I'm a finalist in a writing competition that I entered...well that is the Horse Rescue Center called "Touched By An Angel" is. My actual name is not on the essay but its mine. I wrote it alone. I win nothing but the horses get FREE Hay and the Ranch owners get money. I'm a finalist- there are six of us- from all of the entries from all of the states in America. Needless to say, I'm VERY happy about that. I hope it wins for the Horses at Touched By An Angel. I wrote it with a serious handicap. I actually know very little about horses at all, never mind Horse Rescue. I decided to go with that. I just told the truth and stated my purpose. I'm actually kind of impressed that we got this far, but since we did- I'd kind of like to take the prize for them, you know? So I feel good about helping the animals today.
I'm donating a few books to a women's shelter for Domestic Violence through an old friend. She and I found each other on facebook. I babysat her two boys when I was like twelve I think lol. Anyway, we got to writing back and forth and it turns out she works for a place in Florida Ocala area called CASA. The director just okay'd it and offered the PO Box address. I'm going to mail out five books. She asked me to sign them too. Of course I will. I hope that the story lets the women escape there own lives for awhile...in a way that's exactly how I escaped the Domestic Violence in my home as a child. It was brutal....
So, I'm moving forward and keeping the faith, keeping positive and holding strong. I know HE is listening. There are signs ALL over the place...ask and you shall receive...I'm asking....
No breakfast but coffee...I'm not in the mood. I'm not sure why. Lunch was left over shrimp and cucumber slices. Snack was an apple. Dinner was a green salad with tenderloin beef chunks and sauteed onions. No dressing. It was a HUGE one. I was hungry. A tangerine finished the night at 8pm. I'm feeling good! I want you to feel good too. Let go and let God take over.... it works. See you next blog.

January 4, 2012 Diet Blog

2012-01-04T18:02:00.001-08:00

Whew! Long day. Busy but not overwhelming. The front desk at work had both girls so that relieved me of the pressure but the staff is still light. I had some time to think about things. I stayed above the negativity but with everyone absent and a lot that were in work but feeling bad, it was a difficult task. Negativity grabs you and grips tight, pulling you into it's realm. I started down the pathway accidentally a few times but pulled myself out of it thankfully.
On my way home I talked to a friend that I've helped repeatedly over the last two years- drastically last year...I was upset to learn from him that I've not "done anything" for him for over a year. Meanwhile he hit e up for money to the point of being abusive. Hundreds of dollars...I took a deep breath and then gently corrected him. He instantly "remembered." I wondered if he was going to hit me up for more money and then said something stupid by mistake, there by negating any chance he had of getting any.
The negativity crept back toward me, but I held it at bay. I think that I may just be from another planet or something. I work so hard at being a good person; doing the right thing and making sure that my motives are pure and altruistic.... On my planet everyone is that way. Here on earth there are some like that, but a lot of them take advantage of niceness. Sigh... I'm not changing for them, but moving away from that is the way I'm heading. I think I'm my own worst enemy. I sacrifice myself for others sometimes...and sometimes it's worth it, but sometimes it's just plain not worth it, you know?
I didn't sleep well. I've been dreaming the craziest dreams lately. Not bad or violent, just crazy. Last night I brought the Queen a new mop. The mop was SO important.... lol. I think that's why the negativity thought it could "get" me today. I'm a bit weary.
Again, I had nothing for breakfast but coffee. Lunch was 4 oz. chicken breast and cucumber slices. Snack was a tangerine. Dinner was 4 oz shrimp and one cup green beans. At 8pm I had an apple. My eating habits literally took a back seat. I like that.
I mailed out the funny poem I wrote for the sick friend I mentioned. I laughed to myself as to what his reaction may be. He doesn't know that side of me, lol. The birthday gift arrived at it's destination for another friend. There will be a cake and candles. I recruited two of his friends that I've never met to help me with that. He thinks we forgot. I NEVER forget. At Christmas I recorded my voice into one of those books that kids get from grand parents where the grand parent can read the story. The story, or rather the original one was "The night before Christmas." I say original because I re-wrote the story as a comedy with specific details about the recipient and myself woven into it. I have the reindeer farting, and all kinds of silly things. Anyway- it arrived at it's destination as well and went over VERY well. I think I might do one (a different original) for Ellen Degeneres. She LOVES comedy. I think she would appreciate it! "Twas the month after Christmas, when out on the lot...Ellen drove into her parking spot LOL...(to be continued.)
Anyway- the negativity lost. Better things prevailed- like a smile. That's the real secret to life, isn't it? A happy life, I mean. To smile. To let go of the negativity even as it comes through. To give it to God and then say thank you to him for taking it. Life really is good if we let it be good. See you next blog.

January 3, 2012 Diet Blog

2012-01-03T17:08:00.000-08:00

It was a crazy day at work. Playing catch up after the Holidays is always tough, but half the staff was out ill too. The supervisor went home sick. The clients poured in like a "people waterfall." I bounced back and forth from my department which is swamped because there were just the two of us, and the front desk, which was also down a person. Not one department was complete except maybe the record room but they are one short anyway since one got fired.
I got an interesting compliment today. The second lawyer in the court division of our office told me that I seemed so happy.he added that I was always happy but today in particular. Then she said that I was actually glowing. It's true. I feel it. I let go of something... I gave it to HIM. I no longer have to worry about it. Funny huh?
I do find that Laughter is the best medicine- no pun intended. Today I wrote a funny poem- like a 'gotcha' "there was a man from Nantuket" kind of thing but clean obviously. An old friend from High School that resides in PA is pretty sick. He's had two surgeries and may need a possible third. He's stuck home in bed- and not being the kind that's lazy, he got up and worked out on his heavy bag like an idiot. Needless to say- the bag won.... anyway, I'd sent him a Get Well card and he was very happy to have gotten it. I couldn't help myself- the poem just came to me and so I wrote it and sent it off as a "Connie Original" get well card LOL. He'll laugh. Actually I wrote two. I sent him the one that would make me seem the least crazy. ;-) I love knowing that it'll brighten his day when it gets there. He'll think I'm looney...but hey! Isn't that just a given?!
I ran into my searcher BFF from the vault. She and I talked about just letting things happen and not to sweat it so much because the only thing that does is make things worse and let's face it...whatever is happening doesn't get better or go away faster or even at all if you worry about it. Seriously, it's like the universe is "on the same page" as me. I feel good realizing that. I've realized it before, make no mistake. I just feel lighter this time. Like something in me "moved" or something. I feel positive.
Work went well. I have to admit that I had no breakfast. In truth, I just wasn't hungry until about noon. Because of the staff issues my lunch hour was at one. So when it came I was hungry. In the middle of my lunch, my friend covering the front desk got overwhelmed and so I jumped into help her. She protested momentarily but really she was drowning so she knew I had to be there. She profusely thanked me after the up surge of phone calls tapered off enough for her to handle. I ate the rest of my lunch.
I had 4 oz. chicken breast with cucumbers and tangerine slices at lunch. Pretty much a whole cucumber sliced just so you know. Dinner was a lovely green salad with the sauteed onions and 4oz tenderloin again. An apple finished the job at 8pm as a late snack and I was completely satisfied.
I will mention that I had a little headache for the first few hours of the day- that's normal on the third day of a diet for me. My body is detoxing I think because of my bathroom experiences. Without getting gross, it's changing...and its "always darkest before the dawn." You may experience that too if your food intake was as haphazard as mine was over the entire holiday season.
With this good feeling surging through me and white light surrounding me I move forward from here...one day at a time...one step at a time. Come on! Let's DO this thing... See you next blog.

January 2, 2012 Diet Blog

2012-01-03T04:06:00.000-08:00

So, the second day went off without a hitch. I felt lighter in spirit and in mind than I have for a long time. It felt easy. I talked with God and the Angels a lot. I walked with them actually. For me the weight is not about food. The food is the self- medication I take and the fat hides the REAL issues. There are many, mostly having to do with my self esteem; left over from childhood I guess. My dreams and my hopes along the author path lately too. I want it "all." Silly of me to think I have control of that, isn't it? It's in HIS time, not mine. I know that. Still, it doesn't stop the yearning in me to be someone (I want to say special but the truth is someone...) else. I want to be proud of me; believe in me and KNOW that I deserve the things I dream of. My intentions really are good, no matter what my reasons are. I think HE knows that. The problem of weight in my case, stems to the core of me; my issues with myself. I'm not going to fight that anymore- I'm going to give learning about these issues, defining them and then finding the ability to overcome them while using a different method to cope with them. It's a tall order. I'm strong. I will accomplish this goal. I'm still in the learning process.
I'm going to start by not beating myself up about my looks. I'm not at my best and that's okay because I'm NOT throwing in the towel either. I'm a loved and gifted person and I have God on my side. I have Angels in my corner. I have divine guidance. I need to remind myself of that. HE hears me in desperation. HE also hears my thanks. HE knows my dreams. HE knows my heart. HE will guide me to where I need to be as I need to be there. Prayer. The answer is in prayer. Only through prayer can I contact HIM. Only through prayer can I find the strength; the belief; the reality of my dreams and the correct reasons for my pursuit of all of the above.
So, needless to say, I'm feeling better about things in the last two days. I needed to renew my spirit I think. I was so "dog-tired." I needed to rest my mind and my body. I think I did that.
I got on the scale yesterday, I forgot to mention. I still dislike the scale and so for that reason I will weigh in once a month. I'm going back to using my feelings..."the Force" as Luke Skywalker would say...my Higher Power.
I had a tangerine and coffee for breakfast. Lunch was a beautiful green salad, 4 oz of tenderloin and sauteed onions mixed together. No dressing. The onions sufficed nicely. For dinner I had a skinless turkey leg and cucumbers. For 3 am snack I had an apple. For evening snack I had another tangerine.
I'm going into this with a good outlook. I feel the presence of something/someone GREATER than me. I'm giving HIM the helm. Join me my friends; take care of YOU. Happy New Year.

January 1, 2012 Diet Blog

2012-01-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year. I gave up. I threw in the towel; drew the white flag and dropped to my knees. Dropped to my knees literally. I talked to God; begged really. Abundance and prosperity, fame and fortune, health and beauty were the wishes I put forth. I want those things. I do not mind working for them. I do not mind putting in the time; paying my dues; whatever it takes..but I have reached the literal bottom of my barrel and I just need some kind of a sign. How do I obtain these things? Am I not attaining them because I'm not in it for the right reasons? I want to be. I hope I am. Believe me, I question ME all of the time. I asked sincerely. I really do want those things. HE knows whats in my heart REALLY right?
Well, of all the things to happen...I watched television today with my husband, and of all things he chose to watch Star Wars. I'm not really a Sci-Fi fan but I watched anyway in between cleaning, grocery shopping and things that I needed to do. Yoda- the Master Jedi was training Luke Skywalker how to be a Jedi and Luke pretty much gave up. "I can't do it, I just can't do it, you expect the impossible" he told Yoda. Clearly he had the ability- he just didn't have the stamina it seemed.
With that, Yoda lifted a plane from a swamp with his mind. Luke exclaimed "I don't believe it!" Yoda shook his head and admonished, "That is exactly why you fail." I heard that. It stayed with me. I think it was my sign. If I don't believe I can attain these goals, how will I ever attain them? Funny, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Yoda....
So, I picked myself up by the bootstraps- went grocery shopping and purchased all of the right thins for my health, threw out all of the junk foods and started over. I ate really well today. I have a little extra spring in my step. Could it all really be about believing in myself? Why don't I? It's the truth you know... I try, but I don't really. I should given y track record. It's deep seeded-this self esteem issue. "Do or Do not; thee is no try." Yoda told Luke. Yes. Believe or not- there's nothing in between. Get to it girl!
I believe I will have these things because I deserve to have them, because I will absolutely do the right thing with them no matter what the reasons are or are not. Isn't the point that I'm doing them? The why can sort itself out as I go. My why isn't really the one that matters anyway, right. HIS why is the one that counts. Clearly HIS plan for me involves these things; my journey or quest revolves around them. I need to learn while I do- not before or after it, I guess. I feel like HE answered me... maybe it's time now... for me to join the crowd and believe in myself as much as they seem to.
And so, I enter into this new year with renewed faith in my Lord, my goals and myself.... That feels good. It's been awhile since I've felt that. So- Happy New Year to you, and to me. It's time... Let's do this thing...THESE things ONCE AND FOR ALL.... See you next blog.

December 2, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-12-02T15:51:00.000-08:00

OK, Day 2... I think we can muddle through...
Today went well considering...in the spirit of the fact that I began a diet in December- the FIRST of many holiday festivities was today at work. Yup, you guessed it! A party. Breads and cakes and pastries followed by chips and dips and chocolates.... I didn't touch a morsel. I ate my apple, drank my tea and hung in there.
I came in to the neighbor being led through the house by my husband so that she could see both of the bathrooms. It was weird to come home and hear another woman's laughter coming from upstairs accompanied by my husband's. They came right down after I called out that I was home. She stayed to chit chat for a minute while he went outside and then headed back to her home. I haven't seen her in awhile. I've never seen her inside my house and I've never been in hers. We usually talk out doors. Her daughter, who lives in Columbia and teached ESL which is English as a second language is coming home for Christmas. She's excited but also trying to get the "mom" things taken care of- like her banking and her needed medications and required doctor visits...so she's busy, but happily so. I'm glad for her.
So, Day 2 down- going into day 3 vwith surprising enthusiasm and relief...yes..relief...weird right?! See you next blog!

December 1, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-12-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

Well, the truth is I went into self destruct mode. I just literally gave up. The harder I tried, the worse things got. I wondered if it would ever end. I stopped writing in the blog because it was beyond depressing...and distressing...I'm so glad to see November go. I'm not even going to go into the Holiday, except to say that my drunk sister-in-law who has lost all of her weight, felt that it was necessary to point out my weight, what I was eating, etc while she sucked down a slab of fat from a prime rib. She was disgusting, loud, obnoxious and unkind. I haven't seen or spoken to her since- not that she knows...I just took hit after hit from my husbands family ... it was awful.
Today, I'm changing up the chess pieces. I'm feeling better mentally and I really want to feel better physically too. Emotionally, I feel like I've gained some control. I was spiraling downward at a pace that was unfathomable. I'm doing the weight watchers points diet. Its a way of life really, and I can have literally anything I want. I just have to count it. That way worked really well for me in the past. I feel motivated and ready to give it a shot. December may not be the best month to do it- but you can do the point thing through the holidays, I've done it before.
Hopefully the "Diet Clog" is gone at long last and I can find some positive again. If you are in a downward spiral don't, crash. I know its hard to just let go, but once you crash, you can repair or step away from the rubble and start anew. I've started anew. There was no repairing that rubble after the crash. See you next blog. ;-)

11-20-11 Diet Clog...

2011-11-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

Sigh...I actually feel like that...clogged... I made plans yesterday to take the kids to a movie or something, but I never heard from my sister-in-law so it didn't happen.t was okay though. I needed the break. I basically sat around-no call from my BFF-no call from my husband and no call from anyone else. Loneliness...I can't tell you.
I decided to do some charity work today for the troops defending our country and two churches. It felt good to do that and the loneliness subsided a bit. like helping others.
When my husband arrived at Newark airport, he borrowed his friends phone to call me and get a ride home...funny huh? I picked them up then he backseat drove and I got frustrated and lost my temper. He seemed shocked. Then I calmly kept the conversation going on a lighter note because his friend was in the car with us. did mention in a joking manner- but its not a joke that I did not like not hearing from him for 2 solid days. Believe me if the situation was reversed it would not go over well.
He acknowledged me but nothing deeper than that. I cooked him ham steak and mashed potatoes for dinner and then we watched tv...I'm so lonely...I just don't get it? This was such a hard week.... I really need some "diet draino" lol... I'm going to figure out how to loosen the drain and get rid of the stale, stagnant water this week gathered...Have a good night all...

11-19-11 Diet Blog

2011-11-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

Non-diet blog...Diet Clog... either way, this has been the WEIRDEST week...I can't tell you how odd...I don't know if I'm being tested...punked or just on candid camera. I got into work yesterday and was literally accosted at the entrance by the mail guy who is apparently VERY excited about the upcoming union Christmas Party. It will not be in December. It will be January 6th instead. Now seriously- in the 8 years I've worked at the courthouse I've not been to one. I listened but it was so lengthy that I was going to be late-as opposed to my usual early. He literally would not excuse me and chased me down the hall, up the stairs and into the courtroom where he then at long last, let me go.
My co-worker- a young boy my sons age approached me as I got to my cubicle and he was so full of cold that he needed tea but couldn't go get himself some because of the time. I was already signed in so I offered to get it for him. (I should just keep my mouth shut and start riding around on a broom.) Anyway I go towards the door through the front desk exit and both girls are there along with the eye roller. One of the maintenance men- autistic- is "singing" in the hallway, listening to his own echo in the hallway. I had told the girls the story of the mail guy so I joked that maybe I'd better wait until the singer was done. The eye roller rolls her eyes and huffs. "He (using the guys name) would NEVER hurt you," she says with a hand moving to her hip. I nearly fell over. "I'm not a monster" went through my head at the accusatory look on her face and tone in her voice. I then re-told the mail guy story letting her in on the fact that the girls behind the desk knew, and that it was a joke regarding that- like I may get serenaded or something. The girls at the desk laughed and her look and tone changed but let me clue you- THAT is exactly why I will never go to her again....
I then went and got my co-worker his tea but my day was off to a rocky beginning. My supervisor and I banged out 40 cases and by 3:30 pm we had actually slowed to a crawl. I'm so proud of us. So was she.
At around 10am I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. The teller is new. This is the second time in as many bi-weekly paychecks that the same girl has given me a hundred bucks extra by mistake. I gave it back both times. My co-worker, who was with me both times was flabbergasted! Me too...
I go back to work and the eyeroller, one of the other clerks and the two receptionists were there. I joke: "I'm really securing my place in heaven this week..." I actually waited 4 the eye roller to jump the gun, but she didn't. Instead, she waited for the story. I told them about the 2nd hundred dollar mistake- my co-worker that was there told about the no gift for Christmas clubs this year rule and then I went to the back and worked.
The night ended on a lonely note, no call from my husband...
There was a text from my sister-in-law about watching her daughter for the day, but I cannot. I'm heading to the wake and do not want to subject a ten year old to that- plus I'm a total mess...I gracefully declined. Then I decided to sit around and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee in my pajamas... nope...
tile guy calls- hubby made an appointment with him to come today and finish the bathroom. He was at the door at 8am. I let him in, ran and changed my clothes- missed the wake as it takes 2 hours to get there and they didn't leave until the afternoon. Sigh...I'm being tested...no way I'm not....Anyway- so now its the afternoon. I called my BFF because according to preplanning, we are going out to PF Changs at 3:30 pm for a late lunch. That's what the plans were anyway. She texted me at 3-still at mall shopping for a dress, text me at 6-same, then again at 7. She got her hair done and now her daughter was just getting into the chair. Sigh...not happening.... no call from my husband either. I cannot believe that he didn't even try to call me.
On a better note though- the bathroom is finally looking like a bathroom... I will try to Blog again tomorrow- but honestly, my "diet" isn't... sorry. I'm going to try and pull it together. I promise....

11-18-11 Diet Blog

2011-11-17T16:12:00.000-08:00

The continuing saga of "how the toast burns" moves into hyper drive at 4am when I had to drive my husband and his dive partner to the airport for their annual vigil to Florida. I got them there and then pulled away and found my way out of the maze onto the highway. All of the sudden a phone rings from under the seat. I cannot answer it. It is my husbands phone. I think to myself, he's smart enough to call me on mine, which I can reach. I cannot pull over-there is no shoulder. Nope. the phone just continues to ring and ring for the entire 30 minute trip home. At 4am- I sincerely wanted to string him up.
Then I get so I can reach the stupid thing but I can't figure out how to answer it. It continues to ring and finally I got the number of his dive buddy. The dope would not answer his phone but kept calling my husbands. I tried twice leaving two messages and then I texted. After three more tries my phone rings and low and behold it was my husband. I offered to bring it but he said no. He would just do without it which means he won't be calling me. Whatever...
I got home and cried. My heart is sick over the death of such a young person without so much as a cause. I went to work exhausted. We worked Hard BUT but we got everything caught up by the end of the day.
About 5 minutes before lunch the eye roller came into my cubicle with the weirdest look I've ever seen on her. She pulls up a chair real close and says gently that she really needs to talk to me. I took my glasses off and gave her my full attention. She wanted to know why I didn't come to her when that guy started asking me for money. She was clearly upset- but not boss upset...person upset... anyway she adds that shes not a monster and I should feel comfortable coming to her with anything. I apologised. It's just not my nature. Guilt plagues me about that type of thing. I think its a left over from childhood. "Keep your mouth shut" was the abusers creed... I learned... Anyway, I sat for awhile and thought about things-trying to sort out all of the negativity. It was beating me down. I talked to God and said that I'm not able to handle the emotions. Too many too fast. I asked him to have my daughter meet my cousin's child and See her through the gates of heaven. All of the sudden it was okay. I was so alone, and then I wasn't. I gave God my cares because he cares about me. Though it all still is there, I feel able to handle it better. Thank you God.
My Hawaiian BFF phoned too, as I drove home from work- to talk things over. Much to my great shock he did apologise. He explained that he had been in a very bad place and felt bombarded and overwhelmed with negative aspects of life. He said he had no right to take it out on me...I literally had to reconnect my jaw. That is NOT someone who EVER apologises... Weird...I turned it over to God because I couldn't handle the emotions and he really is taking care of me... needless to say I accepted the apology- how could I not? I clearly recognise how that could've been true because of my own circumstances lately.- and we talked for about an hour. Then he texted me a beautiful picture of Waikiki beach. (Which made me jealous...but in a nice way...)
When I got home my husband called on his buddies phone. We only talked for a second but we talked...he tried, you know? Then ALL of my FB friends wrote HUGS and the like on my comment. It was amazing how many cared that I was so upset. I'm feeling better, stronger. Thank you again God...

11-17-11 Diet Blog

2011-11-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

...or should I call it "non-diet blog...the week from hell continues, climaxing on my drive home from work yesterday. As I arrived at work I promised myself in the car that I'd try to find the positive in the day. That lasted three seconds after I got into the building.
The clerk that had shared her sandwich was sitting hunched over her desk. No one else was in yet. I put my things down and went over to her. Her face was swollen, her eyes were red and blood shot and tears were forming in them. She was taking the jerky guy's termination very hard. I listened. I reassured her that no one else saw it that way. I then offered to handcuff her and drag her off to jail for the vicious crime of sharing her lunch. I got her to laugh a bit and I think she felt a little better.
Moments later we were called together as a group because we'd been exposed to Mercury Chrystals. They sent the third girl in my dept home before she even put down her purse because she was pregnant. The health department representative talked to us and answered questions. The hazmat team came in and used a special vacuum and special cleaner called HGX. They tore up the carpet and we were restrained from that area. They assured us that we were probably fine. They are now testing the air quality. Why were WE not sent home as well. Everyone was stressed.
My supervisor and I dug in and got 40 cases done anyway. I then confided in her about the eye roller, the record room and my feelings about being admonished without a good reason. She agreed that there was no fault on me. She also said that the eye roller hadn't said a word to her so she thought that nothing would come of it. Then she told me that she thinks that we are a great team. Dependability and reliability are wonderful assets in a co-worker. I felt a bit better and left for the day.
On my way home in the car my cell phone rang. I pulled over and picked it up. It was my sister. My cousin's 29 year old daughter died in her sleep last night. My cousin-the mother found her. My sister- the nurse on the scene as they brought her into the hospital didn't realize who it was until after she had flat lined and my sister was putting the information into the computer.
I was okay. I really only knew the 29 year old a little but my mind turned inside out and I remembered finding my daughter like that. It replayed in my mind. It was crazy. I couldn't make it stop. The self loathing- the self blame- questioning every decision you've ever made that could change it- questioning, accusing eyes of people that should've known better... ARGH!!!!Meanwhile I'm trying to cook my husband a nice dinner because he leaves at 4am to go diving in Key Largo Fla. I sobbed throughout the entire process. I felt out of control.
Then I got the text from my Hawaii BFF- you remember him? I helped him move back to Florida-helped him financially...helped-helped-helped and got nothing but Agata for my kindness...anyway, he's moving back to Hawaii. He leaves today. I wished him God Speed and a safe trip, but really, an apology is in order... not that it'll ever happen.
I've learned that giving anonymously is definitely the way I prefer. I've learned that people just take advantage. I feel like nice guys finish last right now and I still have unresolved issues about my daughter's death. If it's all the same Dear Sweet Lord- that's about all of the lessons I can handle right now...thanks-amen...
My diet is trashed. I haven't been able to pull it together. I'm twisted and upset. My emotions are raw... HELP! Any ideas? I SOOOO need a friend...or at least a hug...

11-16-11 Diet Blog

2011-11-16T04:00:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I went to beautiful Historic Bethlehem Pa. My husbands students were being open water certified for Scuba in Dutch Springs. I signed books and took some fun pictures with them. Then we toured Bethlehem Pa and in the evening hit the penny slots at the Sands Casino. A wonderful weekend. Dieted no problem. I was really ok. I felt relaxed and happy...finally- until Monday morning.
First, I locked myself out of the house. This is not usually a problem but the key was not where we have left it for the past 30 years. I finally found it after a quick prayer and all was well...BUT this was just the beginning... the plot thickened upon arriving at work.
The supervisor in my dept had a scheduled day off which was fine but the other co-worker in our dept. called in sick. Their work funnels down to me and I do the back end of it. When they are both out- I cannot work because I am not trained in their jobs. Needless to say- the work was coming in droves, and there was already a pile. Because I couldn't do their job, the probate supervisor first put me in the correspondence dept. I wasn't needed there so she put me in the record room. The place where everyone goes when they are in trouble and getting punished. The probate supervisor kept rolling her eyes at me, treating me like an idiot- which I don't get...since when is not being trained to do someone Else's job MY fault? Anyway- the record room supervisor was nice to me, but I physically can't do that job. I did it but I've been lame for 3 days. My knees and back are wrecked. I also wrecked my diet....
Then- school. I had to recite the Constance monologue from King John by Shakespeare. I did it...badly. I left there to go grocery shopping with my lame back and knees and the pain was excruciating. I was never so glad to get home in my whole life.
Tuesday, I went to work hoping at least one of the other two girls would be in. Thankfully, the Supervisor was. I asked her about training me. She really feels that she wants to wait on that. Did she tell the eye roller though? I doubt it.
We churned out 40 or 50 cases and got a real dent put into the work. Two more days of that and we'll pull it off. I took no breaks but I did take lunch. That same morning- first thing- the new guy came into my cubical. He is huge, was homeless before my boss helped him out by giving him this job and always hungry. Anyway- he's been asking to borrow money every week since he started. In all honesty, I gave it when I had it- you know- you help out your fellow man, but I just didn't have it. He wouldn't take no for an answer. The conversation got very uncomfortable. Finally one of the probate clerks- KNOWN for her stern attitude to put it mildly, caught what was happening and came over and threw him out of my cubicle. She was my hero and I thanked her profusely.
Later, one of the other girls- a clerk- knowing how hungry he usually is and whom he has also hit up for money left half of her sandwich from lunch on his desk so he could eat. Not a chewed half or something like that- but a nice sliced half that she hadn't touched-still wrapped. He actually got nasty about it. He yelled at her for treating him like a homeless person and not needing her stupid half a sandwich... mind you, he then ate the damn thing...the supervisor of the probate clerks- the eye rolling one- got wind of it and took the nice clerk into the boss. It was so wrong. During her chastisement she let the boss in on the fact that hes been asking her and everyone else for money every week whether pay week or not. The boss was upset.
We ALL got called into the office one at a time. He knew my incident before I even got there. He also knew about my being accosted by the guy when he saw me get $20 out of the ATM for gas on a non-pay week too. I told the truth. So did everyone. The guy was terminated by the end of the day. Guilt plagued me.
How come I'm as honest, decent and kind as I can be, good worker who keeps her head down and her mouth closed...really a hard and good worker whose supervisor couldn't be happier...and this is happening? The guilt ate me alive...and I ate until I felt dead inside... my self esteem couldn't be lower. I'm frightened, stressed and already on the verge of tears and its only 7am.
Say a prayer for me...xo

11:11:11 Diet Blog

2011-11-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

Hi all. this is my 10th day holding steadfast to my diet. It's been SO hard. They've had parties at work all weeks- cakes, chips, bagels rolls...everything I know I cannot touch. Sometimes it feels like I'm just destined to be fat. I try so hard but never really succeed. I've gotten close but could never hold it. I get so discouraged sometimes...
I met up with my BFF from the vault the other day. It was good to see her. She is feeling much better since an accident that left her wrist and lower arm incapacitated for quite some time. I was glad to hear that she's coming along nicely with physical therapy and all. During our conversation, she expressed having an exceptionally hard time getting back in the swing of her diet as well. Like me- she uses food to comfort herself from the great stresses life has been throwing at her. I found myself at a loss for profound words, quotes or sound advice because I too am facing that same issue. I'm doing it- but it's totally forced; not coming easily. I want it- but I don't want the work it entails type of thing. We parted ways with a smile and I went into the lunch room.
Inside the lunchroom was an obese co-worker with her plate mountained high with food from the latest office party. Buttered rolls- one sour doe the size of a slice of wonder bread stacked 4 slices high, and a regular one, two kinds of chips and dip, crumb cake, pecan pastry and whatever else she had on there. I smiled, said hello and took out my yogurt, fruit and diet coke. She points to my lunch and laughs. Then she says that she can't stick to a diet, not that she even bothers to try anymore because life is to short. She then says that I should just be who I am because after all I'm already married so who am I trying to impress anyway. I said nothing and stuffed nearly the entire apple into my mouth... it took great strength not to let her have it.
But that conversation- which followed me all day causing steam to emit from my ears- got me to thinking. Why do I need to lose weight? Why am I doing it? Questions to her answers so to speak.
First off- I need to lose weight because its just not healthy to eat that way. That's the right answer. The truthful answer though? I just want to look pretty. For me. Not for some man- I AM married, but just so I feel good about the person looking back at me in the mirror. It's hard. Yes it is. But here's one for you- I work hard at everything I do that means something to me. If I fail at those things I try again or find a different angle. Why on earth should working on "me" be any different than the 20 years it took me to get my book out to the public? It shouldn't. This is crazy- but I found great strength in that and today, the diet was a snap. I'm worth the trouble. Connie is worth the trouble. If Connie doesn't think so- who will? I forgot that for awhile. You are worth it too, aren't you? My profound advice is that. Know that. Feel that. Then, do what you've got to do to prove it.
The advice I should have given to my co-worker instead of biting my tongue was that while it may be impossible to change everything all at once, maybe she could change one thing at a time. Like start with adding 8 glasses of water to your diet every day for a week. Drink one before each meal then eat what you want. It may at least curb the portion a bit while putting an essential hydration into your system. The next week, add two fruits. Then eat what you want. and so on. By the time you add all of the good stuff, not only will you be too full to eat the crap but you will have changed your diet slowly and possibly shed some of that extra weight in the process. I wish I would've said that, but like my BFF from the vault- my head has been in a bad place.... this seems to have turned the "switch" back on though.
So- continuing on and I will certainly keep you posted! Looks like were turning the negatives into positives again at long last! Enjoy your day. Thank you to all of our Veteran's and to the service-people currently serving our country to keep it the home of the free...xo

November 5th 2011 Diet Blog

2011-11-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

I wrote yesterday but the entry disappeared into the ethers of the cyber universe. That happened once before a long time ago. I can't remember where I found it but it'll turn up.n the meantime the re-cap is that it was my 27 anniversary. My husband gave me a beautiful crucifix...I filled his tanks in return. (LOL get your mind out of the gutter! He's a diver remember?) I worked half a day then took my husband for his colonoscopy. The night was quiet. He rested, I played face book, blogged and watched tv.
Today was long, lonely and I'm in a weird place mind wise. My head is swimming and my body is sluggish and mired down. My husband is feeling better. He was able to eat normally. I stuck to my diet, not that it was easy. He wanted to go out to a comedy club. Dinner and drinks...I just am not up to it. How weird right> He then suggested a movie instead. I agreed to that but we didn't go. It's been the oddest day.
Tomorrow my BFF is having a cocktail party at her house. She told me not to bring anything. Of course I will bring wine or something. I don't want to drink anything but water or diet soda though. Dieting is so hard. The damn onslaught of food NEVER seems to stop. Then I hear "Oh one bite won't hurt you..." and crap like that. Sigh...
I need to pull myself together and I will. I'm just out of it today without a real explanation as to why that is.
Tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure. In the meantime enjoy your morning, afternoon or evening. See you next blog.

November 4th 2011 Diet Blog

2011-11-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

Day 3- complete. I'm doing okay. Rolling with the "punches" or work parties chock full of goodies in my case. Yesterday, our staff was put down by a person that hopes to be at the helm publicly. It upset everyone. He called us rude, unhelpful, untrained and not knowledgable regarding the current laws. People have complaints about someone sometimes and that's fine, but this jerk slammed the entire staff using a public forum and blanket statement to do it. There's seriously something wrong with a guy in that position-in the public eye lying like that. It's called political mud-slinging I'm told...I think his mother should wash his lying nasty mouth out with soap.
Of course there was an exorbitant amount of goodies too- I touched none so I'm kinda proud of me for that.
Today was my 27 anniversary. I've been with my husband for three decades. He still has the ability to shock me apparently. He gave me a beautiful new crucifix. I had broken mine on the last Royal Caribbean Book Tour. It's beautiful. I'm so impressed that he remembered. I (in return) filled his tanks with air...get your mind out of the gutter LOL! He's a diver! ;-)
I left work at noon to bring him to the Doctor for his colonoscopy. At 50 we have to get those. They found a polyp but think it's nothing, though they must run tests to see if there is cancer anyway. He's resting right now and that's a good thing. I guess this is how marriages that last this long celebrate LOL! We had a good laugh joking about that.
So, going into day 4 with renewed hope for all the areas in my life that felt as if they were faltering for awhile now. It feels good to be regaining control of my emotions. I think the agent/fear of the unknown was the straw that broke the camel's back- so to speak. I'll keep you posted!

November 3rd 2011 Diet Blog

2011-11-03T03:53:00.000-07:00

Gees...will it EVER say maintenance blog? (Sigh) Okay- so I left you off at the Royal Caribbean Cruise LAST Year! I kept the weight off for the most part, did book signings and tours and continued my education while working at the courthouse- so not much changed UNTIL the 2nd Royal Caribbean Book Tour! It was a sell out! I've never experienced fame like that before! I even had a stalker! A real one! An author-wanna be that completely lacks social skills of the normal kind. Mt husband met the stalkers cousin at a dive and he was very nice. When he found out who Dave was (to me) he stepped up and apologised for his cousin. Apparently the cousin has a rep...
Anyway- on that cruise I was selling books at my station and this man came over to talk. Three days later he came by asking if I was "represented." I said no, of course and explained that while I am a paid author- not self published- that I have never had an agent. It's all fallen upon me, and that I was doing pretty good at it in my opinion. He laughed and agreed and then gave me his card. He was/is an attorney-agent. I took the card, was very polite but really, I didn't get excited. I'm not sure if I didn't believe it, or didn't think he was real or what, but I stashed the info and continued.
Once home an earthquake hit New Jersey at the beginning of the week, and then hurricane Irene hit us-doing bad damage to my basement and I just forgot about him. Well folks- HE contacted me. He insisted that we should meet. I thought- well, ok but what if this guy is an ax murderer or something- why not? If nothing else, its a good plot... Anyway, I made my husband come with me. We met the agent-attorney at Harold's Deli- where the food is LARGE and costly. By the end of the evening both my husband and I felt that he was the real deal. HE believed in my work...it was very uplifting! I mean- in the quarter century I've been at this, agents have rejected me in STACKS! One approached me on the first Royal Caribbean tour, Followed me ALL over the ship, I sent her a free book and never heard from her again. She just wanted a free copy...another said she couldn't handle my work because (get this) I didn't have an international platform. Huh?! If I had an international platform, what the heck would I need HER for?! LOL! Anyway- agents have fit everything on the spectrum but the one for me...until now.
After several weeks of questions, negotiations, and my ESQ type friends at work helping me, I signed with him. I tell you this story because THAT is the exact spot where I lost the battle of Bulge. I don't know if it's fear, anxiety, stress, relinquishing control...ALL of the above plus other factors or what but I cannot get myself together. I blew up like a beach ball... I am huge again. And I began the decent yesterday. I'm doing it MY way. Weighing in once a month as before. No drugs and dealing with one day at a time. So- welcome back. Join me...again... I guess the "answer" is in the title; "Keep Fighting Fatty!"
Before I go I'm just going to document a dream that I had because it directly pertains to my weight issue and though I am not quite sure what it means, I feel there is a very profound message in it somewhere.
In the dream I am svelte, wearing a pretty flowered dress, high heels, hair done etc. I am setting up for a book talk. I am talking to the people helping me- 10 or 11, but not the audience. We are all working, putting up posters, arranging chairs, opening boxes of books, putting flowers out- you get the idea. One heavy set girl tells me that I look so good since the last event. I tell her this: The only thing this body has going for it is that its healthy and pretty. Other than that, I'm at a complete loss. I know how to handle the bigger body, I have no idea of how to handle this one. People approach me easier in that body, men don't think it's okay to be lude and crude to me. It's kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman after Stuckie hits on her and she finds out that Louis told him that she was a prostitute. She is angry and asks him why. If he was going to do that, why didn't he just let her wear her own clothes; she knew how to handle the situation in her own clothes.
In the dream I stopped and looked up because the room got very quiet and they were ALL listening to me. The girl I was answering said "You should write a book." I'm still confused by it. But who knows- maybe one fine day I'll be SO famous that this BLOG will be turned into a book because (well just everyone...flipping my hair back and sticking my nose up in the air) will want my diet advice LOL!
So- I'm off to begin day 2 of my diet. Good Luck to you if you've started too! Talk to you next blog!

July 19, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-19T04:29:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note because I'm furiously working to get everything ready for the Royal Caribbean Book tour. Another half a pound down. I'm in the home stretch. It's a scorcher outside- 90's, HUMID!!! Got to run. See you next blog!

July 18, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report a loss of one pound! I was so happy. I despise that the number can dictate my day- THAT'S why I choose the once a month weigh in. That way I go by feelings and can spot real emotional distress, which is when I'm at my weakest point. For those of you that tried the HCG, today you should be off of it. It is 30 days ONLY- detrimental to your health otherwise. For those that just did the diet itself- forge ahead! You are in the home stretch. The full protein breakfast is on Thursday morning. Then you are supposed to maintain for 5 weeks, otherwise the diet can be unhealthy as well. So there you have it. The last few days of the 30 day stint! How do you feel? I'd like to hear from the people that took the meds. I know who you are. Tell me how it is to come off and I'll write it for our friends on the blog!
In the meantime- I'm finally that the scale finally moved downward again. ...Leave it to me to come through in the last seconds of the game lol! See you next blog. ;-)

July 17, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

No loss. Having constipation trouble though so that could be it. Three more days after today and then I'm supposed to maintain for 5 weeks. I've been thinking about it. I think I will still diet, but I will do it my own way. The eating every two hours thing is good- it maintains a steady burn of calories. I remember that from karate. The fruit for breakfast ONLY- By ITSELF, is good to because it burns fat. The setting a goal- in this case August 25, which is the 5 weeks mark, and the healthy eating with no flour or sugar is good too. I'm not sure why I am not losing. This diet is seriously restricted in foods, I wonder if that's it. Maybe as I branch out into other fruits and other vegetables the weight will begin to move again. Maybe my body got used to these foods quickly? I would have to do this diet again to see. It's the only way to know. I will do my 'thing' for the 5 weeks and then see where I land. I may try this again just as an experiment. Theoretically, it should have worked better than it did. Still, I did lose a decent amount. Had I only got on the scale once this month I would've been jumping for joy. I think the way around that is to get on the scale each day as ordered but to fluff it off until the once a month date rolls around. In this case, the 25 of each month. It might be the way to go. After the last three days of this diet I am going back to the once a month weigh in. These daily weigh- In's are depressing. Even if I lost a half a pound or whatever, I'm constantly reminded of how large the number is, hence that I'm a tub, you know? I don't need to feel that every day. Once a month is quite enough. Three more days- then the all protein breakfast.
My sister in law had bacon and eggs as her all protein breakfast. I'm not a bacon fan. I like the smell, as long as its not overwhelming, but I gag at the thought of the taste. Ugh! No thanks! I think I'll go with steak and eggs. My husband would like that meal too- although he IS a bacon fan. I don't cook it for him though. He needs to take better care of himself too- I refuse to help him to NOT do that. So, forging ahead..."Whale-Ho..." sigh... See you next blog...;-)

July, 15, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-15T03:52:00.000-07:00

No loss. It's depressing to say the least. It really feels like I should be dropping weight like crazy. It doesn't make sense. Sunday is the 26th day. If you are taking the medicine, you stop it on the 26th day. You continue on the diet without the medicine for 3 more days. On the 30th day, you come off the diet and have a full protein breakfast.
If you are not using the medicine, just take it to the 30th day and begin that day with an all protein breakfast. Then resume a careful diet and maintain the weight you are at right now for five weeks. At that time, it begins again. It's strict, regimented and VERY hard but I did it. I'm in the home stretch. The only part that I disagree with is the weighing in every day. Once a month would've shown a great drop on the scale- not to mention that this blog would've been MUCH more interesting... but we won't go there....
I had some pretty odd dreams last night. I was someone that I would not normally be in them. I'm glad I woke up. See you next blog. ;-)

July 14, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

Another half a pound down- thank heaven! I was beginning to wonder. This diet is SO strict, that I think it may be TOO strict, so its not working for me at the fast rate that it works for others.
Waves of Nausea, headache, muscle ache and fatigue have plagued me for the last two days. I don't think its the diet. I think its the emotional roller coaster I've been on at home. Things are peaceful and tranquil today and the nausea subsided. It's turmoil each day trying to get the jump on whatever mood my husband comes home in and work my way around it. Yesterday he seemed better and we headed off to the town pool.
For the 6th consecutive day in a row- the pool was closing as we arrived due to a child pooping in the big pool. Now, I could understand the kiddie pool, but this really is getting ridiculous. As disappointing as that was I did not see it as the end of the world. My husband flipped out at the closing, then at the owner, and then, just for good measure, he tortured me over it. So much for the good mood. When we got home he wanted to watch a movie. I was all for it as I knew he would stop being so mean and get involved with it. He chose X-Men. NOT my movie of choice- but whatever it took, you know?
And so I continue to forge ahead. I hope I feel physically better tomorrow. See you next blog! ;-0

July 13, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-13T04:02:00.000-07:00

No weight Loss as of today- in true fact it's teetering towards a quarter pound gain which sux. I'm trying to remember to only count the once a month number. It used to make me happy to see such a large drop all at once, yet not have to fury through the struggles ounce by ounce. I highly recommend NOT weighing in each day. Go by your feelings. I highly recommend this diet if you can handle this kind of strict regimen, but I prefer to have a bite here and there and still lose weight. Like before I am goal Oriented. The diet ends the day before the book signing tour aboard Royal Caribbean as it is a 30 day long process. Last year I was able to watch, I will this year too. I weighed less last year though, so I'm kind of 'bummed' about the whole thing. I know...I know...do not let my body or the perception of my body stand in the way of me having a good time...I won't, but I just wish I was able to be thin naturally you know? Ahhh...such is life.... See you next blog. ;-)

July, 12, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-12T03:53:00.000-07:00

So- down another half a pound. Its chugging along but at least its in the right direction. I've stuck consistently to the two fruits a day- cutting one in half for breakfast and 3pm snack, 100 g of lean beef, chicken, turkey or whitefish plus two cups of vegetables or green salad. Mostly I stick to lettuce, cucumbers and cooked onions with the meat as dressing. Its not bad. The list has very few to choose from. I will list them for anyone who wants to try this diet, but be forewarned- its hard, strict and exhausting. Portion control is better for me. It doesn't seem like the weight is falling off here let me tell you- although with this amount of calories and this much discipline, it should be. I don't claim to understand. My sister in law seems to think that I'm just going to wake up one morning ten pounds lighter out of the blue. Sadly, I',m a little more reality stricken than that as you know. I'm just grateful that the scale is going the right way at last...though, I do fantasy dream of waking up lighter- never worrying about what food I eat and having a great body...lol. But...that's me, the dreamer...the reality stricken dreamer...which is why I write.
The Royal Caribbean book tour is a go. I cannot wait! Its so exciting! I hope that everything goes as smoothly as the last time and that I sell out my books! If you are inclined towards prayer, please pray for me. See you next blog!

July 11, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-11T03:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I fought that same two pounds for over a week. It was upsetting to say the least. Still, I remained steadfast even though party after party, BBQ after BBQ, snack after snack and my husbands jumping ship occurred all around me. I'm happy to report that the scale went down one half pound below the 2 pound issue yesterday and another half pound today. Whew!
I will mention that weighing in every day has this consequence for me...the number seems to set my mood no matter how hard I try not to let it.
The funny part is- at the 30 day mark, which is one day before the book signing cruise it would say 13 pounds down, and I would be enraptured with happiness. Meanwhile, instead of the number on the scale dictating how I feel, I would actually be feeling the effects of dieting; feeling better about myself and that type of thing. Still, a promise is a promise. I said I'd give it 30 days and so I will. The goal is set, the plan in rotation. At least the scale is moving in the right direction again. I'm very thankful for that.
I will add a factoid from my sister in law- again, not something I will do but it may work for you. (Check out First Magazine July and August) She says that cayan pepper taken as directed in the magazine acts as a fat burner. She actually drinks it in water but there are supplements according to her magazine. Read about it first, like I said its not for me. I believe that I need something I can stick to for a lifetime. For me- its a lifetime battle.... see you next blog! ;-)

July 7 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-07T04:28:00.000-07:00

I was so upset and angry yesterday. I had to work very hard to let that go and live in the moment. Dieting can be so stress fully, painful- at least for me. Then I got word that Angel Preston- the pony I helped get a prosthetic leg and operation for with my book sales fell out of the back of the SEMI in route to the operation because they forgot to close the doors. How wrong is that? I sobbed. Devastation fills the heart of her owner Denette. The loss is truly great for her- like mine with my daughter. Angel was her child. It's awful.
The Royal Caribbean Book Tour is confirmed and set in motion. They contacted me for what the Compass (Daily paper of activities) would contain. It's a go. I leave on the 20th of July and am gone for nearly two weeks. I pray that I sell every book and take orders for more!
I lost the same two pounds my body is fighting with this week. Its very frustrating. I don't trust it but am trying not to let the number dictate my day. THIS is exactly why I do not weigh in every day. You do realize that if I weighed in at the beginning of the month it would say 13 pounds solid so far right? Isn't that nicer than yo yo up two...yo yo down two... and so on?
Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the tour because its the one thing in my life that's going terrific. See you next blog. ;-)

July 6 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-06T03:46:00.001-07:00

Okay- so this diet sux...yesterday I was down today I am up 2 pounds. It doesn't make sense. You can't eat this little and NOT lose weight. I feel like I'm dieting my life away...and getting no where. I get it off, I didn't keep it off, I go back up, I go higher. I go down- yo yo status... ARG!
I took my niece out to get her nails done with me in the salon and then shopping for school supplies, which made her very happy. Then I made her pick out one small item for everyone in her family so that the experience could be shared. It seems to me that she's a bit selfish and self centered. At ten that's got to be curbed-gently, but curbed none the less. When we got home, before showing her things I had her hand out the gifts first. I wanted her to get the "giving" feeling. It's such a nice feeling. She shocked the hell out of her mother who nearly cried that she'd thought of everyone like that. Afterwards, she showed off her things to a non-jealous brother and attentive mother and father-figure. I secretly gave myself a mental pat on the back. (Job well done, I told myself.)
While shopping I found a few little princess goodies for my Tennessee baby girl. I send her one princess card a week since the Memphis book Tour. Her grandmother says it makes her day and she loves to check the mail everyday for her special card. Once in awhile I do a package. She'll definitely like this one. Ribbons and glitter paper...very sheik.
So, my good deeds done I came home thinking who I was. My reward? Without cheating- UP 2 pounds on the scale...not right.
I'm very upset about the verdict regarding Caylee Marie Anthony. That child's mother didn't report her missing for 30 days- instead went out partying etc. She may not be guilty of murder- although THAT is optional, but she is sure as hell guilty of neglect. Now she alleges that her father sexually abused her and he did it. Meanwhile, he's sitting in the court room...if that's true, why was she still living there with the little girl, and WHY are there pictures of her father holding the little girl, and WHY was he allowed alone time with her? Great defense- got her off on murder...hmmm the perfect crime?
Anyway- so this day is filled with self loathing, frustration and cosmic confusion. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. That number completely throws me. That's why I do the weigh in once a month...or when the moment strikes me- not everyday. See you next blog. ;-)

July 5, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-05T03:53:00.000-07:00

So, the outcome to the nail biting drama that is my life is that my husband's friend called and asked him to go camping and diving in PA for the weekend. I didn't even blink before completely encouraging him to go...and may I just add, "whew!" He went. He returned Sunday Night and spent Monday, the 4th of July with us. It was ridiculous. He did come back in a better frame of mind and we haven't spoken of the incident since it happened. I was lonely, but grateful for the loneliness over the frustration. The lesser of the two evils where my emotions are concerned. And so another hurdle...tripped over...
On a happier note, I did lose 2 pounds this weekend. Considering that there have been parties going on all around me since early Friday at work, clear through to today I consider that a MAJOR victory! I should receive the medal for valor! (Not to mention the purple heat...wounded in battle...sigh...) Anyway- forging ahead to the thirty day mark. It's a short term goal. I do better with a goal. After that its maintain for 5 weeks, not 6 as I originally thought, then breaking the diet with a full protein breakfast and moving forward from there. As always, I will keep you informed. I hope you are all doing well too. Keep me informed! ;-)

July, 3, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-07-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

For 3 solid days I've been stuck in the same spot. There's NO WAY I shouldn't be losing weight eating these very few calories. Its weird and upsetting. This is the exact reason this didn't work for me when I tried it last time. If I'm stuck ALREADY because of water weight or whatever, AND I have to weigh in every day, it's an equation for defeat-giving up- throwing in the towel. I'm SO glad I told you guys already on a successful path not to follow it until we tested it. I'm feeling like NO. It's way too strict and not very rewarding after the first week. Actually, it sux since the first week to be perfectly honest.
I've not cheated other than to switch meal times around due to my hectic schedule. THAT shouldn't effect me in the long run. If it does, this Diet won't work for anyone. My sister-in-law who had great success on it doesn't work. Her kids were in school all day and she could keep herself to a time clock. It's a little harder for those of us that work more than one job, go to school and are on the run most of the time. I'm going to ride out the 30 days, but I'm disappointed, discouraged and kind of upset that I've wasted this much time. Anyway- its a real diet- stricter than most- definitely stricter than what I used successfully. Maybe mine took longer in the beginning, but ... well, its like that race between the tortoise and the hare right? The tortoise won. Steady and strong beat swift and arrogant. (sigh)
Anyway- forging ahead. My husband is away on a dive. I was actually encouraging him to go. For some reason I need peace and quiet today. My head feels too full of stuff. I need to unload.
On Friday we got let out early as a nice surprise. I got into my car and headed home. About half way there the phone rings and its my husband. I pull over the car and take the call as it is an unusual time of day for him to call, not to mention on my cell-because we cannot use them at work obviously.
He doesn't even say hello. He just demands to know why I wasn't at work. I said that the boss let us out early. He challenges me loudly that he called the front desk and the girl said that I hadn't been in all day. He accused me- not with words but with the tone and volume of his voice, although I have NO idea what he was accusing me of exactly.
Honestly, I'm the most boring person on the planet that way. I am always where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there. If he had me followed the detective would laugh in his face-I'm so good! I'm floored by this and find myself defending myself, promising I was at work, offering to have the girl call him or my boss if it was necessary...you get the idea. I hung up with him-literally stunned and called the office.
My co-worker says that she did NOT say I was out all day, she-in fact- said that I was gone for the day. The girl next to her confirmed having heard her say that. Of course she did- WHY on earth would she say something else? I apologised- explained myself and hung up. I was home ten minutes later. He says that's what she told him, but that he believes me.
Then, the town pool which was next on the agenda, had to be closed because a child had a bowel movement in it. He went off the richter (pardon spelling if its wrong) scale. I just coward until the eruption was over. When his friend invited him to go diving I was never more happy. I've gotta tell you- I love him- but he can really stress me to the max. It made me have to fight off the urge to eat badly. I was beyond the breaking point by this point. I maintained composure until he was gone. Afterwards I just sat for a long time in silence. Did that really happen? OMG...
Anyway- so the NON loss of weight isn't helping the fight with myself. Tears feel like they want to explode from my eye balls, but are blocked...He's gone until Sunday night I think. I hung out with my sister-in-law and the kids after I pulled myself together about two hours after he left. I told her. She understood. There are big 'anger' issues inside of all of them because of her mom, she says. I see where that could be. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.
Keep going. I'm going to also. Thank heaven that I know I'm not alone...because I feel SO alone... ;-) See you next blog.

June 29, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-06-30T04:02:00.000-07:00

So another pound down today, which is a relief. I've done something to my foot though. I have no idea what. I went to bed Wednesday night and it was fine. I woke up still fine, until I stood up after getting out of bed. The big toe meets the foot at the lower joint- that's where the pain is emanating from. It's severe. It got worse as the day went on. I have no clue what caused it. I went home, iced it and now am keeping it up and hoping for the best. Lord, its been a long day. Being in pain sux.
I do want to quickly speak to you about "the process of elimination" if you get my drift. Bowel movements- normal for me are everyday. On this diet, they are every two three days, smaller and little rock like texture. I know- I know TMI! TMI! Too MUCH Information!!! I understand, but I think if this is happening to my body, it may also happen to yours if you embark upon this diet. It's not 'tried and true.' I think its better if I document what's going on with my body as well as my heart and brain, that way we get a full spectrum of the features we must endure on our journey. That being documented- let's forge on...
Today was a day of embarrassment. Because I drink so much water I need to go to the bathroom. I hobbled all of the way back and forth having to explain the painful gimp to my concerned co-workers and friends. The problem is that I cannot explain it, so I just tell the story. AND what's worse than a Big Fat girl limping through the corridors of the courthouse? I could almost hear the people...'take off some weight and maybe your legs will be able to support you' type of thing. I hate calling any kind of attention to myself when I'm this heavy. I guess my self esteem is low. Rightfully so as I see myself in reflections of glass or mirrors as I hobble/waddle by. I just keep comforting myself...this TOO shall pass...
On that note I'll sign off for the evening. Tomorrow will be a better day. ;-)

June 28, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-06-28T03:54:00.000-07:00

So- in a cosmic effort to prove what I was saying to you yesterday I got on the scale same time as yesterday morning expecting to find the coveted half a pound- but hoping for more-off. Instead I was up the half a pound that I took off yesterday. Weighing in everyday isn't good. My mood went from sleepy to disappointed and upset right away. The scale sets the mood for me- the number is lousy. If I hadn't gotten on I would still be sleepy and evolving into the real mood of the day. I feel like launching the scale out the window!
That being said- if your diet is working, DO NOT change to this one. I didn't breach the plan with so much as an extra blueberry! I hate that! I follow the rules-follow the rules-follow the rules- in EVERY catagory of my life, yet it seems like the 'jerks' of the world are the ones who always come out on top. Its the same with publishing. Its the same with agents. What about us who work overtime to do the right thing-pray and beg for guidance- follow every rule set...what about us? (...and the meek shall inherit the earth...I know) Still, I am human and I too get frustrated.
Todays diet is: 2 coffees before I left for work, 1/2 cup blueberries for breakfast with 3 cups green tea. Lunch is 100 g tenderloin with onions poured over two cups green salad (I love that by the way) no dressing or oils used. Dinner 100 g chicken breast and 2 cups cucumber slices. Later an apple for a snack. 2 liters of water plus. It's basically the same diet every day with the limitations of fruits and vegetables being very strict. But for 30 days I can do anything- at least thats what I told myself...
I do not understand the weight. I just don't. I'm going to pray for guidance today, and strength...its too soon for a set back... please take the advice I gave above unless you're not dieting at all yet. In that case, join me. Misery loves company...lol. No-I'm kidding...the cup is half full here. It'll be okay tomorrow. Talk to you next blog. ;-)

June 27, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-06-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

Did well today but found myself a little moody. I'm tired but my sleep patterns are always erratic. I stuck to the regimen without falter. I'm just so glad that I made it through the weekend. I feel like I have a real shot at it again. I'm not sure what happened or why I tossed the towel in. It doesn't matter now. I cannot change yesterday but I can change today and tomorrow one day at a time.
A friend of mine read that I lost the 10+ pounds in just 6 days and wrote to me that she was going to change her diet. That would have been fine if her diet had not been working, BUT hers is working! She's lost 18 pounds.
I wrote back and explained this to her: 10+ pounds in 6 days sounds wonderful. Of course its tempting using JUST that sentence. The truth has a few more sentences though. The first two Gorge days added 3 pounds that I hadn't had before, so the loss of those three was just a case of breaking even. 5 or 6 pounds is usually water. That means that I've actually only lost 2 or 3 pounds on the diet. It's a real diet. The psychological thing happening there got me going though. If you are on a diet that is working, please remain steadfast.
We aren't even sure if this one actually works yet. It's VERY strict too. Will I be able to stick to it? Hope so...but my track record as of late hasn't been great. Do I feel like I will? Yes. I feel like I've got a lock on it- but let's keep it all in perspective. Your diet has to work for you. Think about it.
Then if you want to try it-I'm behind you 100%!
It's been a long day and I'm heading into bed. Keep me posted on your progress here or through e-mail as my friend did! ;-)

June 26, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-06-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

2 more pounds gone this weekend. I cannot complain at all, but remember 3 of it was Gorge weight, and a lot of that is water. Now comes the real weight so it will slow down significantly. Of course I will keep you posted as always.
My food intake has been the same. 2 fruits a day, 100 g of lean meat and two cups of vegetetable for lunch and dinner. Its strict but worth it. I actually feel like I'm back in the 'fight.'
I like feeling the control kick in again. This is just a quick note I know- but I will blog Monday evening (tonight) because I had so little time this weekend. I cleaned, grocery shopped, did laundry- then went by the pool with my sister in law and her family. I'm very lonley these days.

June 24, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-06-25T05:14:00.000-07:00

Well- 5 pounds down overnight has gotta be some kind of a world record. How can that be? It's gotta be water weight from the gorge(?) That's all I can think of. Needless to say though- Fat as I REALLY an again- I feel light as a feather. The number matters. Though the actual number itself is horrid- it's not standing alone because of the literal "over night" success. I can only PRAY that the same thing happens to me on a global scale, speaking "author-wise."
The only question I had for today was if my food list was complete. It is, but you can also add blueberries, or raspberries to the fruit list if you so desire. Needless to say, since 1 fruit is 6-9 strawberries- how MUCH of those fruits counts as a fruit- especially because 1 apple also counts as a fruit. You see the dilemma? I cannot guess. Still, I went to work smiling!
My liquid intake exceeded the 2 liter amount, which they deem is fine thankfully. I drink constantly-All day-Everyday!
My food intake was much like yesterdays, because I need to get to the market on Saturday. I had two cups of coffee before I left for work. Just so you know- I used no sugar and a little milk. They say 1 tablespoon- I probably used two in each cup. Its the only rule I have to break.For breakfast I had one half of an apple sliced, with 3 cups of green tea. I had lemon in the tea and 1 sweet and low sweetener. You can use the juice of a whole lemon- I used half. Lunch was 100g of tenderloin sauteed in onions and water poured over a nice big green salad. It was lovely again. My sister in law squeezes the lemon over hers as a dressing. I may try that tomorrow. My mid day snack was the other half of the sliced apple. Dinner was 100g chicken, 2 cups cucumber slices. I love cucumber in this hot sticky weather. It's cool and refreshing and it tastes good. Then my final snack of the night was a full apple. I have an entire fruit last so that I don't wake up with my stomach growling or hungry in the night and I'm not so hungry that I'll grab ANYTHING in sight that's quick for breakfast.
Make no mistake- this diet is strict and it requires discipline. It has to come from inside of you. The normal diet is 1200 calories and the weight loss is good. It's just slower. This diet is only 500 calories. That's why they pull you OFF of it after 30 days and you have to maintain that weight for 6 weeks before being allowed to begin again. It's hard, but I feel like I've got a grip on myself again.
For me that's more than half the battle. I was spiraling out of control. For me the answer to the question of how to maintain a decent weight and stay healthy for the rest of my life lies within the title of this blog. "Keep fighting Fatty!" Even though we feel complete defeat we HAVE to keep going back to the beginning- square one if TH ATS what it takes. Of course I'll keep you posted about it all.
PS: I'm asked to go to the pool tomorrow- though I will go because I try NOT to let the weight stop me as you know, I am having GREAT anxiety over it. Bathing suits are a nightmare... On the inside- in my core, I KNOW that people there are looking at me and saying thank heaven I don't look like HER. People say that about other people all of the time while I listen there. For me, there's a certain embarrassment to being a fat person. But let me correct something I said on the blog the other day. I was having a very bad day. I'm sure you can empathise. Though I hate my looks and am totally frustrated, embarrassed and all of the other emotions that go with loathing my body, I do not hate myself. My core is beautiful. I know that. I'M locked in here. It's like an intricate cage. There is a way out but its through a labyrinth. I'll find my way.
The good part is that I am not alone. There are many of us and though we are locked in separate cages- we feel each other. We hear each other. Together we are strong and can pull each other through. I'm giving it another go. Join me... don't give up and I won't either...

June 23, 2011 Going Strict

2011-06-24T04:07:00.001-07:00

You know- it wasn't so bad. I wrote a lot of feelings down in the journal I'm keeping- but not once did I write that I was hungry. The food is spaced out every 3 (ish) hours or so. It better fits my schedule that way. I feel okay.
Before I left for work I had 2 cups of coffee- 2% milk-light.
For breakfast I had three strawberries, 3 cups green tea.
I had 2-16.9 oz bottles of water before lunch and one with replacing the usual diet beverage.
For lunch I had 100g. or 4oz. of beef tenderloin sauted in onions in water! No butter or oil allowed. I poured that micture over a green salad, chilled it and it was lovely and filling for lunch! No salad dressings of any kind allowed.
At 3pm I had three more strawberries. (9 makes an entire fruit so I broke them up)
Dinner was 100 g of shrimp, 2 cups of cucumber sliced, and the last three strawberries. It was a cool, filling dinner. I had a glass of ice water instead of my usual pink lemonade.
At 8pm I enjoyed a nice juicy apple, a large glass of water and then a hot shower. I enjoyed a little down time by myself and then off to bed.

I slept well and feel refreshed this morning (the 24th) You aren't going to believe this but I lost 5 pounds over night. That is what I gained on gorge plus some!!! Will blog about today later or tomorrow morning!
Hmmm...might work... ;-)

June 22- Diet Blog

2011-06-23T03:49:00.000-07:00

2ND Gorge Day- UG-UG-UG!!! Hated it. Hate myself. Feel awful. What's worse? The embarrassment of looking like-THIS and eating like THAT! Everyone saw. Another fat elephant throwing in the towel- holding up the whiteflag for all to see...(sigh) I've never felt worse. I ate all day, high fat foods, by the time work was over I was exhausted from putting so much crap into my body and then trying to haul this butt around. What a monstrosity! I'm so glad to be going back to a regimine tomorrow. I cannot handle this. At least I was trying before. People saw me eating like that too.
I dumped out the rest of my pink lemonade because water is the drink of choice for the next 30 days. Coffee and tea is fine. I took out my first package of weighed and frozen meat. 100 g. I will skillet sautee with onions and pour over a green salad with no dressing. That will be lunch. There are two fruits. I will break one in half so I can have three. Two meals-three snacks that way. For me, I know that works best.
I'm so glad that this day is over. I spiked 1 1/2 pounds in one day. UG!!! I never thought I'd be so thankful to go on a diet- a REAL diet again. I just want to feel better.
2 day Gorge diet objective- over eat-eat every two hours all day long full or not. Eat high fat. This will set your metabolism. Check...
Will keep you posted.

June 21, First Day of Summer- Diet Blog

2011-06-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

So, I've gained back all but a few pounds of my weight. I feel ugly and awful. I'm so tired of trying and then failing that I could scream. Still, I cannot give up. I have this picture in my head and I want to look like her. Soooo- "Finnegan, Let's BEGIN AGAIN..."
Though I cannot do the diet with the pregnancy meds that my sister in law uses, the doctor says that I can use the diet itself in EXACTLY the way it's supposed to be used.
I say that because the last time I began I jumped right in to the hard-strict part. Maybe that's why I failed.
The first day was today. I'm expected to drink 2 liters of water. No problem, that actually comes natural now. Then I'm expected to eat every two hours. Also no problem, I do that now too. BUT for the first two days of this diet I am expected to eat everything HIGH fat, alot of it, and still every two hours with water.
I thought: HMMM, sounds fun. I can do that. Its called 2 day Gorge. It supposedly resets your metabolism if you've been yo-yoing for awhile. I have. It may be why I'm failing, I was told.
So I embarked on Day 1 today. By the end of the day I was full, bloated, uncomfortable and felt like I would hurl if I saw one more fattening thing! I cannot BELIEVE they have me doing this for two solid days. It's the end of Day 1 and I want to die. I feel awful. I nearly passed out at my desk at work.
I didn't allow myself to go to bed. Instead I went grocery shopping after work, prepared the meats by weighing them out into 100 g portions and bagging them. They are in the freezer now, just waiting patiently for me. It felt so good to be buying them I feel like a fat house and I ate worse than I have in years.
One would think granting yourself permission to eat anything you want would be fun. Well they are right. The concept was fun and the doing was fun too until lunch time- then it was a burden- an uncomfortable phenomenon. I wonder if they do that so that you'll pray to diet, eat right and feel better.
Also, I MUST weigh in every day on this diet, log it and the food I consume. The diet part itself is limited (thankfully) and I will keep you apprised the best I can. UG tho- I feel awful. I made myself stay up until 9 because they say not to rearrange your schedule to much. Setting your metabolism correct depends on you maintaining the 'norm.'
Enjoy your night. I'm going to bed. I may fall asleep before I reach the top of the staircase.

May 30, 2011 Memorial Day, Diet Blog

2011-05-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a whirl wind weekend. I did mass mailings for the book through email and snail mail, I made calls tried to set up talks...whew! Then it was fun in the sun by the town pool for the weekend. I never made it over to see my Surrogate Grand Daughter because my husbands 50th birthday was Saturday and he wasn't up to it on Sunday. It's fine. Her maternal Grandma was there with her family anyway, so I would have felt like an intruder.
During the week one of the girls at work told me that every extra pound of body weight puts 4 pounds of pressure on your joints. I don't know if that is accurate or not, but it sure feels accurate. My joints ache- especially since I put back on so much of the lost weight. Which brings us to the current pool experience...
I've been solid on the diet for 7 straight days. The scale is unkind and the weight hasn't moved as quickly as I'd like it to. It comes on so fast. I don't see why it won't come off just as fast. That concept has always seemed strange to me, and is accompanied by sheer frustration. Anyway, I'm bigger than I was last year at this time but smaller than previous years. I felt so big and so fat that it was horrible. I kept to myself most of the time, only going out into the open when the heat got so overwhelming that I couldn't bare it. I just kept repeating to myself, you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. I know that I am right about that, still its so awful to be fat and ugly. I hate it. There were beautiful people there, some not so beautiful, a few worse than me. I thought I'd be thin by now. The worst part is that I did it to myself. Why?
My sister in law was there too. She looked absolutely stunning in her leopard bathing suit on Saturday and then her red one on Sunday. She's lost 52 pounds and I absolutely hail and applaude her. She used that HCG diet. (Not sure that I got the letters right- its a pregnancy hormone. You may remember me mentioning it in the past.) I love her but she tries to push this thing at me. I have no uterus. Taking those drops will not be good for me my doctor said. I did ask. (Not to mention the $600 it cost her per diet and she's done 3 sessions) I just forged ahead on what I know is tried and true for me. She looks amazing. I will too, but without drugs and without any kind of costs other than food and new clothes. The latter being one of my favorite things to do when I'm thinner. It was all so depressing. I feel so ugly. I hate feeling this way. I tell no one but this blog. I just continue on. I paste a smile, I participate in conversation, underneath I always feel less than.
I'm struggling along, but I think I've got a lock on it. In the past I chose a cheat day to work towards. My birthday is June 6 but I want it to be further away than that. I'll keep you posted on what I decide, but for right now I just want to stay the course.
I'll sign off here. Enjoy your day everyone!

May 16, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-05-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

Lost 2 pounds since I began on Wednesday of last week. It hasn't been a full week yet, but I'm not bloated like I was. Clearly it was water weight, but I don't care. I'm just happy about it. I haven't got a complete lock on things yet though. My son got his Master's Degree on Saturday and the following celebration dinner was held at an Italian place. I portion controlled but had a bit of everything, because Italian Food is by and far the favorite food of this home girl! Still, I did okay. It was hard to pull myself back into mode on Sunday but I curbed it then too. So, it would seem that- in the spirit of what I know works best- that I have to make a plan on weekends. My husband dives every weekend- so I'm lonely which is bad. For some reason I'm crying a lot lately. I think it has to do with the loneliness. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but we can be in the same room and he's completely oblivious to anything other than his phone , the TV or his dive magazines. It's like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of him of any kind these days. For me- that the equivalent of torture. I cry because- and this is serious- I think loving him might not sustain our relationship for another three decades. I cry because I feel helpless and it's severe. I'm lonely whether he's home or not but its mostly not. He literally dives every weekend all summer long. He dove on Mother's Day- I spent that with his sister and the kids by myself- he dove on the day of the graduation dinner for our son- he showed up late. This week he goes to Florida for four days to dive...and I'm expected to be the dutiful little house Frau that sits at home, cleans the house and anxiously awaits his return. I'm expected to respond to advances that my emotions won't allow me to. Does he know? I'm not sure. I tell him, but its like he doesn't hear me. He hounds me at 5am every day and as I climb into bed for the night to meet his physical needs, but that's it. I feel like I'm all alone- all of the time. I'm pretty sure that this is what is at the base of my current weight issue. It's just awful. Still- I'm set on losing this weight for me. Not for him. I don't think he actually sees me anyway.
And so, with my chin up, I enter the day happier, because at least at work- people speak to me. If I'm not there, they notice. I really feel like I don't ask for much. I don't have diamonds a or fancy clothes, I wouldn't want a fur...the bathroom is still unfinished and the rest of the house is early 1970's, I can't even get him to read my book... but for me- I want to do this. No one else will take care of me so I need to. Sarah Ferguson met with Oprah for Season 25 to promote her new show. Oprah said that "you can't forgive yourself until you learn that you cannot change the past." I found that to be so profound. How many people live like I do, stalked by a past that they had no control over, can never change and still suffer over? Too many to count. Guilt over any acts in the past- same thing! The past cannot be changed. We have to start from this spot and mover forward- not just with our lives, but with our health and yes, with the diet. There's another saying "live in the moment." That's kind of what I say in this blog. You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. We really ARE in this (life) together- so lets make the best of it together! See you next blog.

May 10,2011 Diet Blog

2011-05-10T04:15:00.000-07:00

Haven't actually dieted but have gained some control of the reigns. I've made the decision to go back to what was 'tried and true.' In other words- what worked for me. I seemed to go askew when I changed to my sister-in-laws diet. I did okay then went to Memphis---and THAT was all she wrote, so to speak. It's gotten so far out of hand that my clothes are completely uncomfortable. SO it's time to get back to the business of doing the right thing. That diet is great...for her. Me? It didn't work for. I'm going back to the basics and just eating to feel un-hungry, and eating for health. THAT is what works for me-though a MUCH slower process. Not that my sister-in-law doesn't look FABULOUS. She absolutely does- BUT I do not. It was working the older way- even on trips and that type of thing- so I'm going for it! Tonight I hit the grocery store and then I'm on track!
The weird thing about it is that I'm actually happy. In thinking about it, I have always 'handled' my negative emotions with food as the comfort for them. How weird is it that I would use food to 'master' the happy ones? I'm really not used to them. I think that I'm meant to do what I'm doing with the books and the talks. It feels SO right, though I'm no where near my potential yet. I think that I'm on a learning curve there...and here...still.
Anyway- I promised to keep you informed and be honest about the struggle- so there it is. Reality. In Black and white print.
I'm still not feeling my best from the weekend. It was Mother's Day. I was alone. I saw my son Saturday, which was lovely, and my husband was diving. So, I had the actual Sunday of Mother's Day, alone. My sis in law (bless her heart) wasn't having any of it. She wouldn't take no for an answer and invited me over. We were outside all day. I have never had 'allergies' until last year. Monday morning I woke up with my eyes literally caked shut, nausea and the biggest headache I've ever had. There was a fire place thing going the whole day too. It seemed like no matter where I moved- the smoke followed me. My throat was also raw. The combo of the two things left me in trouble the next morning. I HAD to call in, which I despise doing on a Monday or Friday- but I couldn't see well. Today -Tuesday- I'm feeling better and heading in.
So on that note let me just remind us all that WE LOOK THE BEST WE CAN FOR TODAY. TOMORROW WE WILL BE THAT MUCH BETTER. DO NOT LET OUR BODIES< OR RATHER OUR INTERPRETATION OF THEM TO GET IN THE WAY OF US HAVING A GOOD TIME. STAY POSITIVE! WE ARE NOT ALONE- WE HAVE EACH OTHER! Enjoy your day/night...;-)

May 6 2011 Diet Blog

2011-05-06T03:41:00.000-07:00

Hi. It's been awhile. I'm sorry about that. If you feel as if I've deserted or abandoned you, I admit that I did. I have been on a complete downward spiral-weight wise myself. I've put back on about 15 pounds of what was lost and the more I gained, the more ashamed I was to come back on here and tell you that I'd lost control again. I've heard that it's an addiction of sorts- this eating for comfort thing. It's every bit as hard to quit eating badly as it is to stop smoking, drinking, or abusing narcotics. Funny...I never thought of it that way. I do know that those other things are abused at the low points-frightened points- sad points- scared, frustrated, hurt points...just like I do with food. Bad foods.
So I'm back. I'm not as strong, but once again, I'm going to take the reigns and get back to the business of taking care of me. Someone needs to do it- dirty job that it is, right? Right now I loath myself...I hate the spare tire just under my chest. It's so big that my bras cut into it and leave burn lines across it- painful ones. My but is rippled with cellulite as well as my legs. Not that I was ever really pretty, but I was certainly better than this and I want to feel that again.
The symptoms? It's hard to explain. The book is doing okay- though I give more of the money away than I actually make. That's a good thing and I'm not sorry, but in my life I feel like 'why isn't it happening quicker?' and 'Why must I work so hard for every drop of it, and people like that idiot Charlie Sheen throw it away and label themselves 'winning' while making fools out of themselves? Why were THOSE people born into it, yet refuse to see how lucky they are? I mean there are some wonderful people out there who use fame and resourses to help the world be a better place for others, but the fools are the ones we see. Like I tell people, I do not understand God or the Universe or what the plan is- I can only explain me...I want to find BIG fame, and resourses yes...then I want to use those to make the world a better place too. Along the way I have helped out others not involving SIDS and I'm so glad that I could do that. It's a hard climb though. I'm fighting the good fight.
The book thing, as I said is going well. I cannot quit my day job because I'm at a loss money wise because not only is the cost high, I've given most of the proceeds to needs of others. It's a hard climb and I experience the gamit of emotions depending upon the moment. I've been comforting myself with food.... got to change that somehow.
I feel disconnected with myself lately. I feel like I'm looking at myself in a mirror. I see someone who is not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not smart enough...why? I have no idea why. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things. Still, 'she' doesn't measure up in my heart, my mind or my eyes. How does one change that? THAT is what's wrong with me. ALL of this other stuff is just stuff. If I could change that, I think the 'symptoms' would subside.
I'm so disconnected with myself that I can't even cry. I need to cry. My eyes well up but I squash it. It's not a purposeful act, it's just what I'm doing. I guess it's my mind stepping up in a survival tactic so that I won't fall apart. I can't right now. I don't have time. Work all day, school at night, book stuff- massive in between, not to mention family, husband, house etc...you guys know. I don't have to spell it out. My emotions are locked down. I have no idea why or what triggered it. It's gotten strong- the lock, though.
I did a book talk at a University the other day. It was not my usual venue. They wanted me to talk about what inspires me as a writer. (You can find it on youtube by putting in my name and the title of the book.) Anyway, the place was packed with young, brilliant minds and professors. I don't even have my degree yet. I was so honored to have been asked. I told in detail about my background. The people were moved and touched or so they said. I signed books, I GAVE each of the near dozen student staff members one as a gift, signed of course. I liked doing that. My husband showed up at this one. It's the first he's ever been to. I'm glad it was one like this one was, done in such a classy way on such a grand scale. He took the video for me and Blairstown buddy (remember her) did the stills. My searcher vault friend and her husband showed up as well as my son's ex boss. It was nice. It went well. So then why I ask you, did my husband then yell at me for two solid days? He yelled about me asking for help getting the video edited and up on to the youtube. I tried first to do it myself. I struggled for hours. He is computer oriented. Still, he acted like I was asking him to cut his arm off. Together as a TEAM effort, we figured it out. I actually found a way on to the site when he could not- so it wasn't like I sat back and put my feet up. I didn't cry- which is normally what I would've done. Instead I just stared at him. I actually admit to you- I FELT myself disconnect. I haven't been able to reconnect...I'm a little scared. I've been eating out of control- worse than ever since. I'm scared for me. My emotions are here but they are 'next' to me, we are not one. I think when I gain control of my diet and my self esteem they will come back inside me. Right now, the damage must be devastating and it's my way of staying sane.
The same thing happened when 'Dad' used to beat me. Often he'd make up a reason. I was ugly he said. He beat me often for that. My mom has red hair but could never understand why I hate it so. She says its her best trait. I look alot like her. I think he was beating her...but it was me. Do you understand? I would scream so that he thought he was hurting me, but really I watched from beside.
So, now you know where I'm at. I need desperatly to 'pull myself together.' I will keep you posted. I think this blog actually helped me before. Hopefully it will again. Have a great day/ night everyone. See you next blog!

March 28, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-03-28T04:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I've not been able to maintain more than a solid week on the diet since like- February I think. It's depressing- upsetting and frustrating. I want to. I just can't seem to pull up the darn will power anymore. I wonder why that is? I'm just so overwhelmed by it all. I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and just ... oh I don't know... I wouldn't be happy that way either. So, once again I'm going to get back on the horse-so to speak. Yes- I really do take my own advice. I believe if I keep on "going for it" it will happen, just like I believe that my books will bring me the fame and fortuine I need to make a difference in saving the lives of babies.... I'm a dream chaser...no doubt. And so "finnigan...Let's begin again..." And I'm off on Day 1- The Sequel of Sequels! My hand in God's- an Angel on my shoulders...and hope in my heart... Good Luck to you today also...xo

March 16, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-03-16T03:49:00.000-07:00

I ask you...will it ever end? And I ask that with a huge depressed sigh on the end of the sentence. I worry about EVERYTHING. Japan had volcanic activity, which caused an earthquake, which caused a Tsunami that devastated the nation. The water has receded but left three nuclear power plants leaking radiation. There's been explosions. The West Coast of the United States is now threatened...I ask you...did NO ONE in that technologically sound haven foresee this? Why weren't those plants built more stable? I have friends on the West Coast, and people I care about in Hawaii and Japan. I'm worried.
At work, the second in command was 'let go.' I wonder if I'm next, or what reason will be found to get rid of me too. It seems okay. The third in command stopped at my desk to reassure me after the second was 'let go.' I felt better after that. I worry about the second though. He is in a very bad downward spiral. I pray he gets help and does not take his own life.
On the home front I noticed that I'm very lonely lately. I'm in the same room with my husband but he doesn't talk to me. I ask questions and he answers them, but he doesn't carry the conversation further unless I push it. I mentioned my feeling on this the other day and he talked to me for a few minutes about his day and then went back to playing with his new phone. It's a droid. It looks like a fun piece of machinery. I have the cheap little flip phone and it works just fine. I resorted to asking him questions about the phone. He answered. But only that.
My son called me with big news. I have to admit that my head went right to 'baby.' but it was that he changed his job. He'll be making $12,000 more a year. I'm so proud of him. He is focused and determined. (I wonder where he got THAT from LOL.)
My sister-in-law is at her goal. She looks amazing and I'm so happy for her. She tried to get me to do that HCG stuff because she found it on line for $18.00. My doctor said it's not good. Especially for me with my medical history. I did check. Still, I wanted to do it soully on eating the right foods, being healthy and being able to maintain forever. She's having better luck than me though, or at least it feels that way.
I get so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of stress, over work and under pay, I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of taking care of people and NEVER being taken care of... I guess I needed to vent, but that's ALL part of why that chocolate and that candy finds its way to my hips.
I made jello for the 'sweet tooth' struggle. The days are good, its the nights I have an issue with because I CAN cheat. I don't want to. I don't want to be fat for another summer.
There is a brighter note as of yesterday though. One of my co workers asked how the book thing is going. I told her that I had written to Dr. Oz that morning and sent the clip of the news show and the youtube link to the actual talk. SHE knows his nurse Carol Reed or Russo- up close and personal since she was a little girl. She's going to call the nurse! I'm so excited about that! I need to take this thing to the next level. I wrote Oprah, Ellen, The View, Today Show, Good Morning America, All of the Tristate area news shows, the local news shows, newspapers big and local, magazines...ANYONE I could think of. I am trying to make it huge. It's my dream. I need the fame and fortune to make it happen.... Sometimes though...I wonder if it ever will. Then I remember how far I've come. It's finally moving forward! It's what I dream of.
So now you know where my head is at, and you're all caught up. I'm in total stress/depress mode looking for the exit hatch. I'll keep you informed best I can.

March 14, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-03-14T04:12:00.000-07:00

OK- so I'm getting back on track. I do trip up, but I'm still out there trying, and as I've said so many times to you...it's OK if we fall. The trick is to get back up again. Begin now- this minute. So, I am forging ahead...the pace is slow...mine....
You may remember that I mentioned the 2nd in command at work expressing death wishes to me in confidence. You may also remember how upset and emotionally taxed I was over it. He hasn't been back to work since that time. I ask of him from time to time. He is alive, or so I've heard. Last week we were told "if anyone calls he is no longer with this office..." I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My first reaction was "OMG. Is he dead?" I didn't voice it. I swallowed it- and then cheated. A few days before that the big boss would not accept his phone call from the 2nd in command. He made no bones about saying no to the call. It was clear that an issue was occurring. Now this news.... He is not dead, thankfully. He phoned my front desk co-worker that is in the back now too at home! That's REALLY off the mark. He is not supposed to do that even in the best of circumstances. But at least I know he's alive. She was upset. She also went to the supervisor. She told me because we are friends and I voiced my fear to her. She carries the same fear about him. We are worried. He could be a pompous, arrogant jerk, but he's still a human being, and CLEARLY he is in crisis...we just can't figure out why? What triggered it?
The aftermath of the Memphis Tour has been SO positive. I'm very excited and continue to dream the dream. If you are inclined to include that in your prayers, I would be very grateful. And so...ON WITH the day! See you next blog!

March 4, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-03-04T04:15:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Memphis- but NOT back from eating badly. I cannot seem to pull it together, even though I was on a GREAT path before I did the book tour. The book tour went wonderfully. I did VERY well- so much so that they've invited me back in September, which I'm VERY excited about. I feel good about that, but am tired and listless because of eating so badly. I've got a 'lock' on it today. I'm going to try again...hense the title of the blog- "keep fighting fatty..." It's an every day, 24/7 battle for me. I wish I could be like it seems the rest of my friends are. They have control. They can 'eat anything' because they can control themselves. My brother recently said it best "we have no off switch." He's right. Once I get going I go...with no 'stop' mecanism. I literally have to conciously make the decision EACH and EVERY time! (sigh) ...and so, I begin once again today... and as always- I will keep you posted. I know this is just a short note- but I will try to get back into the swing of things. Time is precious. I'm in school two nights a week, I work all day, do book stuff in my spare time- I still have to unpack- my mother in law fell and is now in rehab, so I need to visit her...the list goes on and on.... It'll be okay- I just need the days to be longer than 24 hours ;-). See you next blog!

February 11, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-12T05:20:00.000-08:00

Okay- so I had the day off of work, and what a productive day it was! I did computer work for the Memphis Book event, writing letters to famous people like Ellen, Oprah/OWN and The View asking for coverage at the Event and explaining SIDS to them, I face booked of course, and blogged. I also went grocery shopping. This current diet has me literally going three times a week so that I can serve things fresh. It's hard, but it's keeping my brain active. Speaking of that, I wonder if that's something that I might need as well. Change in the Diet stimulated me brain-wise. Maybe boredom, even in this area is not something I'm good at. Hmmm...'food for thought' ...not the meaning I thought of originally LOL. BUT it has merit.
After grocery shopping I cleaned my bedroom then relaxed until my husband came home at which time I fixed dinner. Not a bad day I'd say....
Today's food consisted of coffee for breakfast, diet jello at 10 am because we needed more fruit at the grocery store, lunch was left over beef and broccoli, I added strawberries to make sure that I got the two fruits a day in. 3pm was strawberries again and they were luscious by the way, dinner was roast chicken, cucumber and carrot slices and diet jello for dessert. I really feel like I did well today.
If you are inclined toward prayer, could I trouble you to take a moment and pray for my Books to be a success, for the Memphis Book Event to be covered by the BIG names and the fame I need to see the dreams of helping SIDS come to fruition? I would really appreciate any help you could give in getting the message into the Lord's Divine hands. Thank you.
I know this blog is short but it's been a bust day. I hope that you are doing well. I'm feeling better and forging ahead! See you next blog! ;-)

February 10, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-11T05:58:00.000-08:00

First let me begin by apologising for yesterdays post. I was so depressed and upset. I'm leaving it up though. I did not cheat and I was at the point where I normally would have. It's better that you see that part of me too. I promised honestly, and that's really what I give...even if there was a little too much of it yesterday lol.
I had chicken breast and carrots for lunch, of course the usual coffee for breakfast. The 10am snack, and 3pm snack were apples, and dinner was lean beef and broccoli. I drank all of my water and got through the day feeling much, much better. I feel better when I'm doing nice things for others so I did a bunch of anonymous random acts of kindness that varied from letting people into traffic to putting a few bucks into charities to entering a contest to win things for a friend in need... It made me feel so much better.
Work went smoothly, dinner went fine...I still feel the overwhelming sense of loneliness. I'm not sure why.
A funny thing happened though. As I've mentioned I'm trying to help my husband watch what he eats too for his health purposes. Today he comes home- complains about the beautiful salad I made him for dinner and tells me that he went into the Deli across the street from his job for lunch. Then he proceeds to tell me (get this) that he chose a balanced meal based upon the theory regarding the food pyramid.
This caught my interest. I was pleasantly surprised...almost...he then explained that the roast beef and provolone hero on the whole grain bread accompanied by an orange soda covered it all. Before I could reconnect my jaw he explained that Roast beef was lean meat, provolone was dairy, vegetables and oil were on it, the bread was thick but whole grain and orange soda was the fruit.
I had no words....
He then laughed out loud telling me that the look on my face was priceless and that he'd had a grilled chicken salad from the Deli.
Very funny, I said.
But I was relieved. At least he's trying. It probably took him all day to come up with that scenario knowing full well I'd be...well...let's just say stunned and leave it at that. I changed our salad to broccoli and he was happier. Gees. See you next blog.

February 9, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

Hi! Just a quick check in to tell you what I ate. I had coffee for breakfast, apple at 10am, chicken breast and carrots at lunch, 3pm apple, baked chicken theigh and sliced cucumber for dinner.
I feel frustrated and angry right now. The nail place that is supposed to do the mani-pedi the day before the Memphis tour had to cancel the appointment I made 3 weeks in advance. She wants to reschedule to 9pm wednesday or Thursday night. If she BEGINS at 9- I'm there until 11-11:30 ish. I get up at 6:30 every day for work. That's ridiculous! Several other things happened too, but I'm so frustrated that I don't even want to write it right now.
The diet is going well, but the doormat reins supreme. I just want to cry. I'm not sure what to do.
I feel so...alone...
I hate this feeling...
forgive me for this blog- I'll try and pull myself together by tomorrow...
at least you know what foods I ate and that I'm still steadfast on the diet that has thusly made me spike three pounds...
sigh...
See you next blog.

February 8, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-09T04:24:00.000-08:00

Well this was indeed the day of the dormat...Not at work. Work was fine. Then I came home to my husband having to rush out to a Dentist appointment that he forgot about. That was fine, but he didn't want dinner, which meant that he was going to grab junk food on the go because he was going right from there to college. While he was gone I thought that I'd have a nice hot, healthy meal waiting for him when he got home. I roasted chicked, prepared veggies and fruit...you know 2 hour meal...really thinking he would be so happy. I set the table with a candle and pretty glasses etc and just minutes before he was due in the phone rang. He was at a Mexican restaurant having dinner and wouldn't be home until late. I said nothing. It's not like he knew I was doing something nice for him...it's just...well 'par for the course' these days. We hung up, I cleaned up and went to bed.
This morning he noticed the prepared food in the refigerator. I wasn't mad but explained myself. He told me that he'd throw together a container and take it for lunch. Since there was plenty of time to do that I was happy. At least he's trying to be healthy. ALL of his blood work is WAY off. I'm trying to help with that... anyway, should I tell you? No, he didn't do that either. I'm a little myphed. Should I say anything? Will I? Probobly not because he'll dig his heels in and not try then...he can be a child that way. Sigh...best laid plans...on the brighter side AT LEAST he's eating healthy when he's with me, right? That's something.
Today I had coffee for breakfast, left over shish ka bob for lunch with carrots, chicken breast for dinner with cucumber slices and carrots and Diet jello.
I WAS totally stressed so I ate ALOT of Diet Jello. If the stress triggers the eating binge- I'm gonna try to use jello. It's sweet, tasty and filling and next to NO calories.
That's it for now. See you next blog. ;-)

February 7, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-07T17:04:00.000-08:00

Whew, what a long day. I've been sleeping badly- that is to say, intermittently. I literally see the clock every hour all night long. I finally seem to nod off just as I have to wake up for work. I'm so tired.
It was a nice day. Busy, but not overwhelming. Thats the way I like the day to go. Plus I learned a new aspect of my departments jobs. That was cool. It took me a long time to get it down pat- but the good part is that no one pressures me in this department. I had as long as I needed to get the job done. I did get it done- and it came out perfect! My supervisor said so.
My co-worker from the front desk got promoted today. She'll be coming to the back in a week-ish. I'm so thrilled for her. I'm sad for the one moving into 'our' chair as my co-worker put it. THAT is a hard place to be everyday...talk about stress...no, on second thought let's not. I'm feeling kinda good... ;-)
On my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store to pick up several items that I had accidentally forgotten the other day. I was pleasantly surprised by a call from my friend in Florida. I can't help but wonder if he realizes what he almost lost in having me as a friend. I might not be the most beautiful girl asthetically speaking- but a better friend you'll not find... but anyway...
He is having a major disagreement with his sister. It's been going on for awhile now. He sounded so sad though. His health is doing better. He is on a microbiotic diet of some sort to clean the Hep-C out of his liver. He's quit smoking as of New Year, and has been sober and clean of alcohol and drugs for years now. He's still dealing with post-stroke issues that seriously mounted up, but he's okay. I'm proud of him. Changing yourself that drastically has to be rough. It has to be a concious effort 24/7. He's still the same guy that went down that path in the first place. You've got to give credit where it is due.
That same thing applies to us dieter die hards. Like him, we try and fail many times before the 'habit' of taking care of ourselves kicks in. We're still the same person, and fighting to change our way of handling a situation is a 24/7 job. Kudos to my friend...and you know what? Kudos to us too...let's get back on this horse and ride happily ever after into our respective horizons.
This morning I had the usual cup of coffee for breakfast, at 10am I had strawberries. For lunch I had 4 oz chicken breast and carrots. At 3pm I had an apple. For dinner I made organic shish ka bobs. Organic veggies and meats are supposed to be better for you. I did that, but honestly it's too expensive. I'll just use the regular things washed really well from here on in. I drank enough water to cause a flood....
The shish ka bobs were made with cubes of lean beef. Mine had 4 oz and my husbands had 6oz. They also had onions and yellow peppers between the cubes. This was laid over a bed of broccolli, cauliflower and carrots. My husband added a fruit cup to his meal because he hadn't had any fruit today. We had cherry diet jello for dessert. Really pleasing to the eye, and my tastebuds were cheering with glee!
I have to tell you that jello is excellent for the hair and nails. My nails have never been as strong, long or beautiful as they are now. My hair is VERY damaged since I got that bad perm. I'm hoping that it will help it to grow and to heal faster. The Memphis tour is so close. I'm so sad that I'm going to look like 'this' for it after all of my hard work to lose weight and feel better about myself. (sigh)
Anyway- so this diet isn't bad. No headache today- just exhaustion...and oddly enough, I'm not hungry. My sister in law told me that not being hungry was a side effect of this diet according to the Doctor. I didn't believe it for a second! It's true though. Maybe it's because of the fruit alone on an empty stomach thing...who knows? I just have to say that I like the feeling. I'm less likely to eat junk food if my tummy has no rumbly, if you know what I mean.
Enjoy your day, your week, ...your life. I've learned that it can be gone in a split second. Live in the moment- today. That's really all we have, isn't it? See you next blog. ;-)

February 6, 2011 Diet blog

2011-02-06T18:29:00.000-08:00

Superbowl Sunday. We worked on the upstairs bathroom this morning. I did laundry, and worked on the computer completing tasks that have been piling up. I made my husband lunch and dinner, and then we went to my sister in laws to watch the big game.
I had coffee for breakfast. Strawberries at 10am. Lunch was the last of the beef tenderloin and carrots. 3pm turned into 3:30 and again, I had strawberries. Dinner was broiled scallops and broccoli for me. My husband added a yogurt and a mixed fruit cup, and of course 6oz of scallops to my 4 oz.
I didn't eat one drop of the food being served by my sister in law. It was all bad- but she cheats now and again now because she can. This diet lasts 40 days, then you go off for five weeks, maintaining within a 2 pound radius both up or down. This 'sets' the clock in your internal system. This hold the weight steady so your body gets used to it. After that you go back on for 40 days and repeat or until you reach your goal and want to maintain. It sounds easy enough. I'll keep you posted.
The book event is coming up and my hair is still horrible. My sister in law says that I should buy a wig because the only way to fix it is to cut it all off and start over. I know...it's bad. I cannot believe that I'm stuck looking like crap for the Memphis tour. I could cry.
My mother in law left the sink running and flooded the kitchen and the basement while we were watching the game. The water literally poured out of the ceiling. We had to use those great big Rubbermaid bins to catch the water. Needless to say, we missed the entire half time show and a good portion of the game cleaning up the huge mess. Both she and my husband swear that my mother in law does that stuff on purpose because she's not getting attention. If she is I'm sure that God will point that out to her, but personally at 83, I think she's about 25% with it if that much. She infuriates all of us though- since she was much younger- so they could be right.
It's been a long, but productive day. I'm very tired and heading to bed. Work comes early. I did wake up with another headache today. This time it was on the other side of my head though. My husband thought that it may be sinus so I took that kind of medicine. He could be right. One tablet did the trick and I'm still fine.
Enjoy your morning/noon/night. I hope your team won the game. See you next blog. ;-)

February 5, 2011 2nd Entry

2011-02-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

The second half of the day went well. We went mattress shopping and then walked around the mall because I felt like we should get some kind of exercise in. My husband was willing. I put him on a modified version of the diet I am on, it's a cross between this one and the previous one. He is a lot larger than me- so 'one size cannot fit all' if you get my drift.
I had coffee for breakfast with a squirt of milk for color. I had an orange at 10am. Lunch was left over tenderloin and carrots, 3pm I was still out so I ate another orange at 5pm while I cooked dinner. Dinner was at 6:30pm and we had grilled chicken salad. Mine consisted of lettuce, cucumbers and strips of chicken breast-4oz worth. My husbands was 6 oz worth and I added tomatoes and cheese grated to give it flavor. He added dressing. I did not. He had grapes with his at my insistence as well. It filled him up and he didn't have cookies. I remain stricter than him, but his will work too. The other diet worked, don't misunderstand. I just plateaued. To quote my sister in law- I'm shaking things up to change it up! I like that statement.
While we were wandering through the mall I spotted a build a bear store. There were a hundred kids. I accidentally drifted off into the world where I write things in my head, and saw/wrote a commercial for them. I actually emailed the idea to the marketing director. I have no idea if they will use it or not, but I figured what the heck...maybe they'll like it.
It's 8:15 pm and I have to admit I'm feeling very tired. I had a migraine this morning. 6 extra strength Tylenol later it finally subsided. It takes the wind right out of my sails when that happens. A young man from India friended me on facebook. What a polite young man. He calls me sister. So sweet. That was really the two highlights of my day. Except that my husband did tell me that the chicken was done perfectly- that was nice. ...And surprising....
I'll sign off now- for dessert I made Diet jello. I'm not having any, but he needs his sweet snack before he goes to bed. Yes- he IS spoiled before you ask. See you next blog. ;-)

February 5, 2011 Diet Blog 1st entry

2011-02-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well according to the scale I'm up 3 pounds...somehow, this is NOT what I had in mind. Still, it could be 'off' for several reasons: I wore my nightgown, I had to go to the bathroom, and I'm nauseous with a migraine headache. So I'm going to continue just to see if its a farce or not.
I already know that there will be two entries today because of this horrible turn of events. The weight gain left me upset- I told you that the number on the scale throws me. But really, I did badly for a long time and nothing happened, so I guess I should be grateful. Another thing that threw me was looking up that HCG stuff. It's a pregnancy hormone found in the urine of pregnant females...google HCG diet supplement- there are several sites that I found interesting. I'm not paying $600 for THAT I'll clue you...
The diet itself is hard. There is no flour, no sugar, nothing MAN MADE and no dairy. (I do put a bit of milk in my coffee as I cannot drink it black- I just can't.) I also let myself have Chrystal lite- but I haven't had any diet coke or veered from the diet at all. This will be day 3. 37 more to go.
Though my weight spiked three pounds I'm thinking that at least I shook something up. We'll see though, it's not over 'til the 'fat lady' sings right? I think I qualify and I'm certainly NOT in a singing mood.
Also, I tried to blow dry out some of the awful perm that I told you about. It's been about 8 weeks, the roots are gray again, so I figured I'd see if I can make it look a bit more presentable. I'm on television and the Memphis Book Event begins in two weeks. I cannot believe the hair is still this bad. I went through the entire Christmas Holiday this way, and the trip to Florida. I'm feeling like a total ugly ducking here... Anyway, it doesn't look much better. It's Very fuzzy.
It's thehalf way point of the day so I'll sign off here and post the food for the day in the second entry. Have a good rest of the morning/afternoon or night. See you later! ;-)

February 4, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

It was wear red day today at work. It was to promote awareness about heart health. It's a good thing to be aware of in my opinion and so I wore red. Someone actually said 'hi skinny' to me. I had to laugh at that one. Funny that it's day 2 of that diet that my sister in law is referring me to. I do have to make a point though, about this diet.
She contacted me today and said that she was wondering if I would mind taking HCG that her doctor has her on along with the diet. I'm not sure what it is, but it comes in drops to be put into her water. I have an adversity to putting anything into my system like that because I believe that dieting is a forever thing for people that have my metabolism or my predisposed condition towards being overweight. I mentioned my reservations to her. She said that she only had to take this HCG stuff for the forty days. I considered it for a split second. When she told me that it was ONLY $600 I nearly fainted. The word ONLY in the same sentence as $600 is a quicker deterrent for me than the original reasons that I stated here. Needless to say- I will not be taking HCG. I will be taking my vitamins and the prescription ordered by my doctor that has nothing to do with my weight.
That being said- I'm here to tell you that I toughed it out with this diet today. For breakfast I had coffee. (I accidentally left the pot on and came home to a charcoal pot- but that's another story titled the pot really is black whether the kettle is or not...) At 10am I had an apple. At noon I had left over beef tenderloin from last nights dinner- 4 oz and vegetable medley- 2 cups. At 3pm I had another apple. Dinner was 4oz salmon cucumbers 1 cup, carrots-1 cup. I drank all of the water and suffered through the diet headache that usually hits on day 3 of a diet for me.
The added bonus of the day was the 'Superbowl' party at work, which just means people bring in tons of fattening foods and we eat 'til we pop. I didn't have so much as one chip. My co-workers all think I'm such a disciplined person. It's funny. They should see me when the 'addict' shows up during tremendously stressful situations. They'd have to figure out a different word because 'disciplined' would surely be less than a perfect fit.
I have a sad heart today for someone I love very much who has just discovered that her husband of nearly two decades is cheating on her. She phoned me hysterically crying. This person is one of the strongest people I've ever met. Hearing her today- reduced to tears and sobs was almost more than I could bare. My friend from Florida that I recently visited called me too. The bad day seemed to have been contagious at that point. I let him vent- finding myself weary of having an opinion. But then he gave me a turn and I told him about the other person and how helpless that I feel. Surprisingly, he gave some interesting advice. Clearly I can't step in the way of the pain, but I should be there to 'hold' her through it....like I did for him even though we were a half of a world apart. I have to tell you- that was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me without actually paying me a direct compliment. I'm still reeling from it and the ice I've built up around my heart where he was concerned turned to slush. Messy, cold and still chock full of icy lumps, but melting just the same- Do you understand what I mean?
Those two phone calls were right after work. Then I cooked the dinner- NOT to my husbands satisfaction. I broiled the Salmon. It was too crispy on the top. I added sliced orange pieces to his meal to be sure that he got fruit into himself- the oranges were 'weird.' We had cucumbers instead of the originally planned green beans because I couldn't find them. Either I forgot to buy them or I left them in the store...perhaps they are in the 'land of the one socks' that disappear through the dryer vent from time to time.... either way, no green beans. Finally, I told him to cook his own dinner from now on. He shut up. It was a good thing....my mood was kind of crashing.
BUT I didn't cheat. I was well tested, and well resilient, thankfully. Sigh though... you know what I mean?
I'll sign off here. Enjoy your morning/afternoon/evening. See you next blog. ;-)

February 3 2011 Diet Blog

2011-02-04T03:47:00.000-08:00

Okay. I promised you the truth no matter what- so here goes...I CANNOT pull it together. I made it to ten days and then we had a huge ice storm on top of the multiple snow storms we've had this year. We got dismissed early from work- a blessing because of the treacherous tundra we had to drive in and I headed out. There is a hill that I must go up to get home. For those of you who are thinking- Gees take a different route- I say Great idea. I don't know one. Directions are at the very low end of my talents and the GPS takes me this way. So, anyway at the halfway point of the hill there sits a traffic light. I gingerly stop at it praying the car won't slide. There is no one behind me, no one in front of me and no one on the other side. I'm thinking that's good luck.
With that, this HUGE maroon-ish red dump truck slides around the corner but doesn't straighten out and comes down the hill sideways. The door read "Breen" and I remember thinking that the truck had my mother's last name on it. The letters were yellow. The driver of the truck was frantically doing whatever he could to stop the truck, but to no avail. He had a look of sheer horror on his face...I imagine I wore one much the same.
I closed my eyes and braced for impact. To be honest- I thought that was it. My life was over. Death was upon me. That truck would've squashed me like a bug. A bright yellow light filled my eyelids and I thought "Oh my God," but not in a panicked way. I just thought it. And then I waited.
It seemed like way too long for me not to be dead, and I wondered if I was. I opened my eyes feeling no pain what so ever and wondering if Jesus or the Angels would be there. They weren't. I was at the light. The back of the truck continued on in the opposite way than it had originally wanted to go. I took a deep breath in and continued home. I shook the entire way. My mind was completely blank. I'm not sure how I got there.
The next morning was delayed opening at work. My car looked as if an inch thick blanket of ice was layed over it. The driving was worse. I panicked. I shook. I only went in because the Memphis Book event is in two weeks and I need any days for that type of thing. Once there, everyone had some kind of issue. One girl fell twice, the new mother fell in the parking lot, who had nearly been hit by another vehicle, and me.... my near death experience.
The adoption clerk put out a crumb cake fresh from the bakery. The 3rd in command put out chocolates. You can guess the rest. I figured, if I'm dead- none of this would matter. I had a skewed view of things, I think from fright. Anyway- I did everything BAD that I could without caring and in full knowledge.
Needless to say, I know that I need to get back on track, because in fact I am clearly NOT dead and it does matter for several reasons. One of them being health, another being self esteem, but then I got to thinking...the poor souls that have to carry my coffin...Pall bearers or whatever they are called...Oh Crap! I need to lose weight.
While talking to my sister-in-law who became my instant diet guru having lost 30 pounds under a doctors care and is looking wonderful, she thought that there was a chance that I might be bored. Maybe I need to change up- to shake up my system. I have been riding this same weight within a five pound radius for quite some time. It sounded like a plan, so she gave me all of the diet hints and I began yesterday, successfully. It is different than my norm so I will tell you what I eat again.
They only want you to have coffee or tea for breakfast. They want you to have it black. She puts a bit of milk in hers because black is disgusting. I agree, but no sugar obviously. (For me, I thought that breakfast was important. The doc says that a big breakfast makes you hungry all day. Okay I'll try.)
At 10am I had an apple. Fruit is taken on an empty stomach and by itself. The doc says it helps your body to burn hyper stored fat quicker. Okay.
Lunch is 100 grams or 4 oz of lean meat- beef-chicken- fish-shrimp, you know the drill. (That's an ounce more for me.) And 2 cups of veggies. I had roast beef and carrots. I had lunch at noon, as that is my assigned time at work.
Dinner was 4 oz tenderloin and 2 cups vegetable medley which consisted of Broccoli, cauliflower and carrots cooked. You can spice as needed which was good, no dressings of any kind.
64 oz of water is the required amount.
NOTHING MAN MADE- everything fresh, not canned or frozen.
This diet lasts for 40 days, then it changes. As I get there I'll tell you how it changes. Right now she didn't know.
No bread, pasta, anything with white flour or sugar.
It's different than the one I've been following, but if you want to try it with me, jump on board! I'm going to give it a try. I need to move past this spot... you know, for the poor people that have to carry me 300 years from now! ;-)
I'll sign off here. Work time approaches! Enjoy your day. See you next blog! ;-)

January 23, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

Things are calming back down at long last. The insurance company is fixing the car. My friend from Florida seems in much better spirits- me? I'm leery but moving forward. I may have put myself too far out 'there' for him. It's a lesson that I've not yet retained in my life. Maybe I got it this time. I pulled the reins in a bit to protect myself. Two wrongs don't make a right and compounding an existing problem by creating another one to blanket it is not a good idea either. I will be a good friend- same as always, but the closeness that I felt- the kindred spirit kind of thing, is gone. I don't need this lesson taught the hard way... I've had about all of the hard lessons I care to in this life time if you get my drift...I'm moving forward now, this spot isn't good for me, and for once, I'm doing what's good for me.
I continue to see and feel angels around me. In discussing this matter with a friend the other day I realize that many 'signs' like this come to me because I ask so much for them to come. It was a revelation of sorts. I need to know and feel that they are around me, so I'm granted that knowledge. Maybe others less 'believing?' for lack of a better word, don't need it so they are granted whatever it is that they do need. I've had a hard life from birth til about 35 or so. I've ALWAYS seen them as I needed to. I've decided to try and accept that and again, move past anyone Else's opinion. Mine is the one that counts for me...theirs only counts for them. By George! I think I've got it! Finally!
I'm dealing with everything. My husband and I have had our problems as has every other couple, but I'm not ready to throw the towel in. We've been together for a very long time. That may or may not be part of the problem. Either way, moving forward from this spot too is the plan. I have to talk to him. Communication is the key. He is less than sensitive to my needs- so maybe things will be better if I just spell my needs out. That way there won't be room for error in this area.
The key to all of it seems to be not getting bogged down into the muck of the situations life throws at me. One friend said that they felt that so much mud was slung at me all at the same time as 'the devil doing his thing to undermine a good person.' I liked the sentence of course because I was depicted in it as the good person, but in giving it thought- I cannot help but wonder if there is some truth to it. That is the way evil would work to undermine good, isn't it? ...And I do try so hard to be good....
I'm consciously trying to accept myself 'as is.' Physically, I am trying to improve...and I want to improve myself in every aspect that I'm able, but I mean that I'm trying to let myself just be me while doing that and not let the opinions of others weigh so heavily on my assessment of myself. I have to remember that MY opinion counts too.
On that note- I am at day 6 and going strong diet wise. I look better than I did and I'm so happy about that. I want to look even better. I'm reaching for the Valentine's Day goal, one day at a time. That's how I did it according to my previous blogs. The advice was good. It's working again. I'm up to the task.
One thing I want to mention is DIET JELLO! It is excellent for deterring a sweet tooth, you can have as much of it as your tummy can hold and it's wonderful for your hair and nails. And MMMMM...tasty too! LOL!
Tell me about you. How are you doing? How is your progress? I'm glad to have company on this long and bumpy road. Let's do this thing! See you next blog! ;-)

January 21, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-22T04:40:00.000-08:00

Going into Day 5 successfully. Am forging ahead with the goal of Valentines Day in sight. I also pulled out an old skirt that I wore to England years ago. It's a short one. but recently a male friend commented that I have great legs. Though the comment stunned me at the time and I couldn't hide quick enough, I didn't mind that someone noticed me in that manner. It seems so long since a gentleman said something like that. I am married and don't step outside of that, don't get me wrong...its just nice to know that someone looked. Does that make sense?
I was listening to the Bronsen and Christine show the other morning in my car on the way to work. They had Dr. Oz on. He has an 11 week diet and exercise plan that you can download off of his site (Dr.Oz.com) for free. I'm going to check it out later. Maybe it'll help give someone reading this a kick start. They did say that writing down what you eat is huge in assisting the diet process. Admitting what you ate can actually deter it. Funny huh?
My sister in law hit her goal this week. I'm VERY proud of her. Now she's going to maintain for a month or so and then go back on it. She is doctor supervised. She looks lovely. WE CAN TOO!
The Memphis Book event is getting huge according to my daughter's Godmother. It's very exciting for me! Could THIS be the catalyst for my books and my dreams to become reality? I certainly am praying for that.
I talked to my friend from Florida. The conversation was long and light, just the way that it used to be. I'm glad we moved past the 'fight' in Florida. I still feel leery- but I'm trying to just forget about it and keep on this new path.
The karate school is relocating. Essentially that means that the school I've known as home throughout my life in New Jersey will close forever more. I'm so sad for that. I 'grew up there,' if you can understand that. For me- that will be a very hard day.
I'm babysitting for my 'Surrogate' grand daughter tonight. Her mother and my daughter that passed away share the same bitterest. Her husband doesn't have a mother. I naturally stepped right in. I adore her...all three of them, and the baby calls me Grandma- or she will when she can talk lol!So that's everything for now. I hope that you are all doing well and will join me right this second on the path to better health. In the mean time remember: You look as good as you can for today! Tomorrow you will look THAT MUCH BETTER! Don't let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. You are not alone. And stop beating up yourself for a past you cannot change. Begin now- the future you CAN change! We are in this together! See you next Blog!

January 18, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-18T17:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today was a better day. I read my old blogs and discovered that I repeatedly gave the advice to forgive yourself for a past you cannot change and mistakes you cannot undo. I told everyone to start fresh in this moment even if they'd just finished 'cheating' on their diet. I said to take things one step at a time; one day at a time and break it down into hours and minutes if necessary...seconds if needed. I set little goals for myself. I'm setting a cheat day for Valentine's Day. I'm going to give myself permission to have whatever I want on that day, and then the day after Valentine's Day, I set another goal. So that's where I'm going. I'm following my own good advice.
It was hard to get myself going this morning. I felt defeated before I even began the day. It was a total struggle to get down the two flights of stairs to the basement for a shower not to mention getting out of bed at all. It was cold too. It snowed again. My husband went out to shovel the skirt of the driveway and clear off the cars. I actually said thank you to him for doing that. Last year I did it all by myself- A LOT. I thanked him too soon. He's been neglectful lately.
He forgot to do my car, so I scapped the ice encrusted windows to the best of my ability and headed out. I can't be mad. I can do it. It's just that he announced that he would and accepted my gratitude and then didn't follow through so it left my time schedule off.
My mind was reeling though. I played back the few nights that I've been home. The other night when I arrived at the airport two days late, he had fallen asleep and I had to call and wake him up for a ride home. I had no coat and it was freezing so I stood behind the taxi stand right outside of door 5. He couldn't see me and then couldn't getthe car all of the way in. He got angry and literally threw my suitcase into the car like a maniac, complaining in a mean way. I'm surprised he didn't break it he threw it so hard. After heaving it in he slammed the door with such brute force it sounded like a fire cracker. I was shocked. Up until that moment I was SO very happy to be back.
All of the way home he ranted and raved about traffic. Finally I said, "When I pick you up from all of your trips I at least smile." I said it sarcastically. He stopped ranting but it was too late. Then as we were driving down the frozen tundra of the highway he demanded a kiss. I said when we stopped I'd give him one and I did, but my heart wasn't in it. I feel so lost sometimes- I think this is all part of the eating problem. Stress is my killer. I feel unloved, unwanted, not cared about...unless he needs something. I was glad to close my eyes and sleep that night, and every night since. I think I'm depressed-or at least I was but I fought to pull myself out.
This was the first day that felt normal since I've been home. I showered, got dressed and went to work where the people were happy to see me. My friend from Florida phoned. I've admittedly been reluctant to talk to him since our arguement. The call was nice; cordial. He's doing well and feeling good. The talk for his four years of sobriety went great, which was why I text him earlier in the week with one sentence saying that I hoped it went well. (Text...the cowards way out...)
My husband seems to be dealing with the car situation a little better. People sympathize. He loved that jeep. Seeing it smashed to smithereens HAD to hurt...he treats that thing better than he ever treated me, LOL. He was upset that I was back on my diet. I grocery shopped after work and had the immitigated gall to fill the house with healthy things like fruit, vegetables and whole grain bread. Sigh...what was I thinking? (That's not to say I didn't get him his little stash of goodies...just sparingly. He needs to lose weight too...)
On the brighter side- the Memphis book tour is turning into a huge event. There are 200 people expected and SIDS fund raiser execs are coming to speak. THIS could REALLY be IT! The dream coming to fruition- my reality...my dream...in my baby girls name- to save other children...and their moms. The day took an upswing when the emails came in positive. I'm so happy. And so humbled by it all.
I got through today. I'm feeling better. I'll worry about tomorrow- tomorrow when it gets here. In the meantime I'm going to let myself feel happy. I need to feel it. My emotions feel like a push me, pull you these days. Life is good. God has got my back. I forget that sometimes. So what if I see Angels- so what if others don't... so what? It's okay to be close to God. I want to be so close that I'm one with him. Not a bad goal, if I do say so myself. I cannot change the past or other people's thoughts...but I can work towards a future full of faith and love being my guiding light. I can work towards being healthy. I can work towards aiding in the cure of SIDS. I am woman! Hear me ROAR!! ;-)
Have a great day/night/ morning. Thanks for reading. Join me in this adventure towards health! See you next blog!

January 17, 2011 2nd entry Diet Blog

2011-01-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a day filled with turmoil. Both inner and outer. The outer is about the car and dealing with the things involved to resolve the matter. It's hard to maintain the level of forgiveness that I want to but I am giving it my best shot. That's where the inner turmoil comes in.
I talked to my son for a long time today about the matter of the car. I talked about the forgiveness. I told him about seeing the cross in the sky while in Florida to lead into how I felt I should deal with the emotions. He said that when one is among religious, Godly people that worship like my friends in Florida, they often they tend to 'see' things in that light. He said in example, that he'd place a bet that his Dad would notice a lot more accidents today- not because there are more than usual, but because THAT is what is on his mind. In his opinion that was why I saw the cross. I understood the scientific reality of that but really- the coincidences are piling up for me. I chose not to mention the Angels in my dreams and in the smoke at the Holy Land experience. I haven't told a soul, I've only written it here. The inner turmoil I face has to do with that.
Maya Angelou said that 'you are a child of God. If you get; give. If you learn; teach.' I heard those two points the loudest within her testimony to love on Oprah's new show called The Master Class or something like that. It was the first time I've seen it in its entirety except when Jay Z appeared on the opening day. Anyway, that's what she said and I HEARD her...INSIDE. Does that make sense?
The book tour in Memphis is turning and twisting like the smoke turned into Angels that day. The girl setting it up has television interested and now she thinks she can get the SIDS organization on board! I'm so excited that I could burst! THAT is the dream. The reality behind my climb...coincidence? How could it be? I've never felt more blessed, or more forbidden to share it. Why is that? I'm writing this here so that its documented somewhere. The people on this blog are WITH me and I with THEM. It'll be okay to tell it here, but I want to scream it!
The diet pelted into the ether's today. I cannot seem to pull myself together. The talk with my son triggered it I think. I kind of went a little crazy trying to make him NOT think I AM crazy. I hid what I think and what I honestly believe happened to me...more than once.
There's a scientific reason behind it- I forget the name. Basically he said, you can see anything if you look at a pattern long enough, is the layman's definition. I don't know. My heart tells me something unscientific is at work here. I think my work might be blessed. It's real. Maybe this little spec of a nerdy girl can make a big difference to another mother one day...save a baby, or help to do that. I'm so unsure of myself sometimes...lately with my boss and then Florida and now the car and the unexplained sadness I feel at not being able/allowed to reveal what I REALLY think without being 'weird.'
It IS weird. I get that. But its real. OR maybe I have flipped my cork. AARRGG!!
So that's been the day. I'm at constant war. There's literally no way that I can turn that there's not a disaster happening in front of me, or behind and around me. Frustrated loved ones at EVERY turn. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, they all think I'm odd already- clearly they are right. It has ALWAYS been the case....see what I mean?
I'm still struggling. Join hands with me and lets get through it together though. Let's get control of it before it gets control of us and all of the fat comes back. Let's figure out a different way to deal with the troubles of our separate realities as a group. (If I say turn to God, it's because I find my life bearable in his light and warmth. If that makes me odd man out I guess I'll just have to live with that.)
In the mean time, I'm going to fight to get control of myself again. The discipline factor is severely lacking. I'm going to go back and read my own blog to see how the heck I grabbed hold and actually held on. Take care of you. See you next blog...which will not be tonight- promise! ;-)

January 17, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

Got control of myself again today. Last night a very bad thing happened. We were invited to my sister-in-laws for dinner and to see the kids. I missed them terribly and so we went. We had a lovely home made organic beef stew; my sister in law lost nearly 30 pounds and was so happy, the kids and I were making silly photos of each other on some computer gadget and laughing when a loud bang filtered into the room. I chalked it up to a computer game of some sort being played in the other room and then my sister-in-law's neighbor knocked on the door and told us that our car had been the 'victim' of a hit and run.
We went outside to assess the damage while my sister in law called the police. The Jets game wasn't over and we assumed that this was why the police took a long time to get to us. I found myself apologising to the officer. He laughed gently and said it was fine. He was being paid to work.
The perpetrator of the hit and run tore out the steering, and damaged the front of my husband's jeep wrangler. Parts of our car, and the perpetrators car were strew around our car and down the block-far! A large black chunk of her car was underneath our jeep. Glass and pieces everywhere as far as the eyes could see in the dim light against the snow swept backdrop. I couldn't help but wonder how the perpetrator drove away in what had to have been a disabled vehicle. The officer collected all of the car parts with our help and instructed us to call a tow truck. We ended up leaving the car in front of my sis in laws house for the evening. The officer felt that a VIN # would be found on one of the perpetrators car parts leading us to them. To be truthful, the statement eased the tension, but I didn't really believe it.
We went back inside and resumed our activities but the underlying tension remained very apparent.
About two hours went by and the tow truck pulled up along with two police cars from the next town. We threw on our coats and went out. It seemed that the perpetrator of the hit and run called them and said that we had hit her. They found us through the tow truck. I was appalled.
How could someone compound a wrong with a wrong. The person clearly was aware that they had hit us, why would she then go out of her way to get us in trouble? People astound me sometimes.
We told our story and the police contacted the police for my sister in laws town. The same cop was there in a flash. The cops from the next town over felt our ice cold engine with his hand and took our statements. My sister in laws neighbors gave statements too. The parts were all on our street, and like I said the jeep could not be driven as there was no steering.
It turns out that the perpetrator drove to her friends house in the next town and called in her car as a hit and run. Allegedly, she was drunk too. Funny how all of the evidence backs up our story, but it bothered me a lot that someone would do that. She was purposefully setting out to do the wrong thing, hurt people she had already done something wrong to accidentally and get those same victims in trouble with the law for the crime she committed. I was very upset, angry and shocked.
I went to bed with that set of emotions plus a few others on my mind. I woke up in the night and comforted myself with coffee cake and milk. I tried to listen to God- hear my angels- handle things better. I rehashed it over and over in my mind. I don't want to just pay 'lip service' to God. I want to do, say and think the right things. I wasn't doing that. A second piece of coffee cake found its way into my belly and then a third.
This statement came into my head this morning as I awoke: "There, but for the grace of God, go I..." Yesterday I hoped that she get the punishment she deemed fit to lay on us; today, I want God to help us all get our needs met in this situation, and get her help if she needs it. I don't wish any negativity on the woman. She was drunk. She made a mistake. If she is a repeat offender, she may need real help or AA meetings or something- but that part is up to God, not me. She already has to deal with the facts: This happened; she lied; she placed a false report; she tried to hurt others unnecessarily, she compounded an accidental wrong with more purposeful wrongs.... She has to look in the mirror and know that she did that. Drunk is not a good excuse, but sadly an understandable one, knowing what I know because of my friend in Florida. I want her to have her needs met too, none the less- as the Lord sees fit.
Our car is covered well with insurance. We will get a 'loaner car' from them until ours is fixed. We're fine and unhurt. Yes- it's inconvenient, but nothing drastic occurred. I want to give her the forgiveness I'd want for myself. I'm asking the Lord to grant me that in my heart, so I can give it freely to those I feel wronged or hurt by and forgive myself for any wrongs I've done to others along the way.
This car situation is MINOR compared to other people's issues or problems in this day and age. I also ask that my butt gets smaller...OK just thought I'd throw that in in case you weren't paying attention, LOL! This IS a diet blog after all...amen...
Anyway, I'm regaining control once again- food addict...who knew... one day at a time though, one hour at a time, one minute, one second at a time....
And so we move forward. Join me on the path to health. (The spiritual part is your option of course, as always...) ;-)
See you next blog!

January 16, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

So- the trip to Florida went great. My ill friend seemed upbeat and very happy to see me. He and his family welcomed me with open arms and treated me as if I were a queen. There was only one minor issue. My friend takes a LOT of medicine and was in great pain one particular day. I think he took too much of the pain medication because he became grouchy, angry and inconsolably nasty.
It felt like he picked a fight with me purposefully...to the point of hurting my feelings so badly that I cried. I begged him-literally to stop. To walk away. He said some things that hurt even now about me. I think he wanted me to cry. He remained calm. He was a psycologist graduate of an Ivy Leaugue school. I couldn't hold a candle to that- not that I thought I'd ever have to. He pushed my buttons like a pro- and didn't let up. Then calmly told me I was upsetting him, causing another stroke... it was awful. I even apologised- not good enough....
We didn't talk for hours and hours and I considered the vacation a bust and wanted to come home. I mentioned it, asking for a ride to the airport as I was at the families mercy for transportation...a dumb move I will not make again- which caused another explosion on his part and then he settled down as I cried a second time. It felt like -and still feels like- he went out of his way to hurt me...like hurting me made him feel good or some odd thing... I'm still unhinged by it all, but anyway, The next day he was back to normal but I was guarded to put it mildly.
I agreed to everything he said whether I agreed or not, getting into No depth what-so-ever, and wished that we could just not talk because I didn't want to upset someone that has already had a stroke, even though that's part of what he accused me of during the nasty phase. There was no one there, just him and me- another mistake I won't make again. I'm not sure -other than the meds- what triggered it, and EVERYTHING I said got twisted into a negative statement- I retreated. I never came fully back from it. I tell you this for a reason. I ate and ate and ate- while I cried and cried and cried.
At that particular point in time I didn't want to be alone with him at all, not to mention that any friendship with me was never going to be the same. He wanted to go to a place called 'The Holy Land Experience" in Orlando Florida. I remember thinking that he needed it VERY much. I had never heard of it, which was fine but It was a weekday and his entire family had to be at work, except his parents who are elderly and one had a doctor's appointment. I was forced into the position of not only being alone with him, but not having a car and so he wanted to drive. (We're talking two hours and change here.) I believed he needed it- I know I did so I plastered a smile on my face and away we went. I put sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes and pretended to be excited about it. Key word: PRETENDED. Should I have to do that? The truth is- I wasn't. I wanted to go home. I was very shocked and hurt- meds being the cause or not!
We pulled up nice and close because my friend is also disabled and needs a handicapped spot. I caught myself asking the angels for assistance through my foul mood as we drove. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. The very first thing I saw were statues of Angels flying overhead and all around a replica of Noah's Ark. 2 of every animal were all around me and I was astonished at the beauty and tranquility of it all. They were life sized! I blurted out "This is seriously cool," before I could stop myself. He grinned from ear to ear and said that he knew I'd love this place. He was right.
We entered into Jerusalem. It was replicated from the bible to full scale and the people were dressed in costume. One exhibit was more magnificent than the next. The play 'The Passion" was done to full scale out of doors as well. The audience was involved in the play. I pleaded for Jesus' life just the same- though I knew that it would be taken. He rose from the dead at the end and we followed him into the kingdom of heaven. I broke away from my friend there. He went to pray for his children. I went to pray for 'the impossible.' There were choices. I wrote my prayer on the small wooden cross provided at the prayer. They took it back to send to Israel, to be buried in the real Holy Land. Closer to God.
We took communion too. We drank wine out of a little wooden chalis. It was given to us as a gift. The chalis I mean, not just the body and blood of Christ- although, let's face it, THAT is the best gift of all....
There was this one exhibit that I have to tell you about. I said nothing because I think people are going to start thinking that I'm nuts but here goes... we were in the exhibit with the Ark- you know like in the movie with Harrison Ford. There was a big tent and that was the temple. It was dark and smoke rose from a fire that was set. The smoke caught my attention as it twisted and curled to form an Angel. She looked at me lovingly and smiled then twisted into my daughter- also smiling. Several other people that I knew and some that I'm not sure if I knew appeared in the smoke and several more Angels. I didn't watch the show. I watched the smoke. I left there knowing I'd seen them again. How does one explain this to people? I see Angels. I believe that I really do. I may be nuts...but what a great way to be that, huh?
I thought about that for pretty much the rest of the trip. I was grateful to be going home when I found out that my flight had been cancelled. The weather apparently. Either way, I was stuck in a place I did not want to be for two more days with a friend who may not be my friend after this. My friend's mother is an amazing Italian woman, and a GREAT cook. She sensed what had gone on and talked to me about it- her son and me arguing that is. (I told NO ONE of the Angel's visit.) She cooked me a wonderful Italian meal. I LOVE her. I guess he's done that to her a time or two. Only thing there is- She HAS to love him. I do not. I still do but I'm still hurt just so you know the outcome.
I went with my friend to AA meetings two times and prayer meetings. I spotted a plane in the air on the way. The white exhaust made a cross. I pointed it out to my friend. Something inside me knew or felt that I was in this exact spot for some reason. I was astonished! HE was clearly trying to get across a message to me. I had to stay. There was a lesson to be learned and I needed to be here with this person to learn it. Okay then, I thought, Let's do it.
I felt closer to God and asked him to grant me the forgiveness in my heart for the things that my friend said. He did grant it but I didn't ask for the hurt to be taken away. I guess I needed to feel that as part of the lesson. Who knows.
But I came to realize that 'fame and fortune' does change people- only NOT necessarily the person who is climbing the ladder. Sometimes the people around them feel threatened or frightened because they feel a sense of loss or that they may lose the friend they love so dearly as they climb that ladder. Please- Oh please everyone...if I give off that 'air' I don't mean to. I love all of you. You are here...watching the climb, helping me up another rung, cheering me on...I want you in my life always. If someone stops me for an autograph- I need to give it but rest assured my attention then goes back to you...my loved ones...my friends... my support system, AND yours!
Anyway, I am not an alcoholic but I learned something there too. My eating habits are addict-like. I have to take things one day at a time just like they do. The only difference? They used alcohol. I used food. The stories are the same. I liked them. I pray for their continued health.
That's about all I guess. The last paragraph is short- but HUGE! Love you. See you next blog. ;-)

January 6, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

Official weigh in left me 2 pounds up. Not as bad as it could've been but it takes forever to get even one pound off. Still, I did it to myself...moving forward...
No one has mentioned the Boss to me since the incident before New Year. The Judge seems okay but not as friendly as he was before. I wonder if it's my imagination or if he is angry with me about the whole thing. Which ever...I stand behind my decision and leave it in God's capable hands to deal with.
Today I am going to Florida on a four day vacation. It is the birthday of a dear friend whose health has been failing. I'm excited to go and anxious as well. This is not a book trip. It's just a 'mini-vacation.' I need one. I find I'm very tired since the incident at work occurred.
There's not much more to say than that except the beautician tried to fix my hair. She had basically fried it a month ago with the perm solution. I went through the entire holiday season that way. The roots were silver gray and about an inch and a half long. She had to cut about four inches off and use darker hair dye than I like to make me look presentable for Florida. My husband refused to comment on it when he saw it yesterday evening. Can't say as I blame him for that....
Anyway- I look the best I can for today. I'm NOT letting it stand in the way of me having a good time...following my own advice.... Join me!
See you next blog!

January 3, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-03T04:14:00.000-08:00

Okay- so I finally got a good nights sleep. I haven't since my boss told me about his wanting to die. I saw every hour at one point or another since that time and have been struggling through darkness and fog to try and get into the light and warmth of normalcy. I had a dream last night. An angel came- golden and beautiful surrounded in magnificent soft white light so bright I couldn't see her clearly but not so bright that it hurt me in any way. It was warm, inviting and love radiated from it, and her. No words were spoken but she touched my face and I just knew that it was going to be okay. God has a plan.
Apparently this had to happen to my boss for some reason, and me for some reason. I guess the reasons will unfold in time. I know God's got my back. Whatever happens will turn out to be the right thing...the BEST thing for BOTH of us.
I'm entering into this new day with faith, hope and love. I think loving my fellow man or woman comes easier than loving myself for some odd reason. Maybe we all experience that and I just don't realize it. I'm not sure what will happen today but I'm ready and I'm okay with where the chips fall. I'm still not sorry that I told. If it's a choice between his life or my job- I choose life.... for BOTH of us. I cannot live walking on egg shells forever either. I'm going to go in today- hold my chin up, and be myself. That's not to say 'myself' is the most confident person in the world, I'm definitely not... but I'm just going to leave it all in the hands of the Lord...and keep the food OUT of my hands.
In the mean time, I'm going to try and stop beating myself up for the way I handled the situation and move forward. The thing about the past is that it cannot be changed- the thing about the now and the future is that it's all up to me... it's up to you too. Join me! We can do this thing!

January 2, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

So- we're into the New Year, and I'm at day 2 of the recovery diet plan. I'm fighting the urge to binge as hard as I can. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't bite my nails...I eat. I've read a lot about it and it seems that I put the food in to 'swallow' things I cannot handle. The 'fat' keeps the world at least an arms length away and works much like armor did back in the days of Knights. It's a defense mechanism for lack of better terminology. Still, knowing this and seeing the progress my body has made in the last year did not stop me from regressing.
I didn't just regress- I went on a ramped self destruction binge. It was out of control. I knew but I didn't care, except for a moment or two here and there of lucidity where I realized the damage. Still, in an act of sheer defiance against myself I put the next item into my mouth. ALL of the food was junk. I lost complete control for nearly three days. I felt ill; sick...but not from the binge. It was from the events that occurred with the second in command at my job.
I've handled so much in my life time. My Dad left when I was five- never to return until I was forty four, seeking absolution on his death bed. I gave it. My mom ...well that's a long and lengthy tale that can be summed up in one sentence. I was an accident and she's sorry I was ever born. The truth there is that she doesn't love me. She's not capable of love. I guess her own background did that to her.
I suffered through a severely abusive childhood at the hands of her significant others and am one of eight- seven siblings from three fathers that we know of, and one sister from the second father who was adopted out, that we just found several yrs ago. I jumped from the frying pan to the fire and married at nineteen; a young alcoholic who was physically and mentally abusive with me...my first love...bad taste in men... I married better the second time.
I lost two children; my daughter of SIDS, my son stillborn. Deaths of people I love. My mother turning the siblings against each other with lies that she told- her MO throughout her life...getting off on watching the drama. My husbands family not seeing me as 'good enough' for their (far from) perfect family... my brother in laws suicide, the list goes on and on... these are just the highlights...
I've chosen not to dwell on these things and to improve my life and the lives of others if I'm able to do so. I hope to do this through my writing. I talk to the Lord often. I think he listens. When things get completely unbearable, he sends me a sign. Once, when I had no home and was living 'around' until I finished high school, I was at my Aunts house in Selden Long Island. She's a very devout worshiper of the Baptist faith. I listened to her and her minister. I prayed hard that night because I felt so unloved and unwanted. I wanted to be sure that I belonged on earth. The Lord showed me a single star in the black sky that night. It came out right when I was looking up into the heavens...and I believed. I carried on through that pain and promised I would love deeply and as many as I was allowed to.
More recently, I was in Hawaii at the Honolulu Zoo in October 2010 of all places. I was helping a new/old friend from grade school through a rough time as best I could among other things. I saw angels within a banyan tree tunnel of roots. Unknown to some I was suffering through a personal issue where once again I was feeling the knowledge or sense of being unwanted and unloved. I was thinking about my books and my dreams- which no one in either family seems to support me in fully- the angels appeared then. They did not speak. One waved. I snapped a picture. It's hanging in my cubicle at work. That same week I went to the hope chapel in west Oahu. There was a brand new pastor speaking that day. He moved me to tears right there in the church. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I know it was God. He does that. My work is going to help others. It will happen. I have to keep striving forward because the right time is near. I believe that.
I try to deal with the world using compassion. So many things have happened to me that I believe I really do posses the ability to help others. You can understand a skinned knee, but until you've actually skinned your knee, you can't really know what it feels like to skin your knee. I think that's why God gave me so much to handle. He doesn't give you more than you can handle- I know that- so clearly he gave me a massive amount of strength...sadly he also created chocolate lol.
When the second in command expressed feelings of wanting to die- it threw me. His life is good from this angle. He's wealthy, he has two living parents who love him, a nice car, a nice home...the thing that he does not have is a spouse. I wonder if he's lonely. Though he and I are nothing alike, I can certainly identify with THAT feeling. It's overwhelmingly depressing to be lonely. God brought him to tell ME. I do not understand why, except that my background dictated that I HAD to tell someone in order to get him help. For whatever reason- this is a part of God's plan for me. I don't understand yet- but I think that I will in time. I want to. And so I'll regain control of myself and try to do that.
Once I got to that point- I put the food down and took the first step on my journey towards health. I began with the first minute- then the first hour and so forth. Much like when I saw the first star that night as a young girl, the pain and the situation will not go away magically. The 'miracle' is in the fact that I know that I'm not alone, and that I have it in me to handle whatever happens because the right thing was done here. He told me in my heart- it's going to be okay.
Though this blog isn't seen by the entire world (...yet lol) I think I'm doing it to help at least one of you....preferably ALL of you.
Close your eyes and picture my hand taking yours. Feel the warmth and the gentle squeeze I'm giving you. We can do it. We are NOT alone. We have God, and we have each other.
See you next Blog. xo

January 1, 2011 Diet Blog

2011-01-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone. I hope you had a great time whether you stayed in like me or went out on the town. I originally had plans to go out but just before the new year I had an awful experience at work. Someone confided in me that they do not want to live, to make a long story short. It was my opinion at the end of the conversation that he was suicidal. This person is in a position of authority in the court where I work. I do not have the kind of relationship with this person that would enable me to help in any other way than the one I chose.
To give you the story briefly, this person is in the position to hurt me employment wise. He has been noticeably deteriorating since July. He literally went from being a self important, arrogant, pompous peacock who thought that the entire world was beneath him to a pale, gaunt, filthy version of grizzly Adams with an ego problem. He was always one to make a mountain out of a mole hill with any ailment he had. People correctly placed him in the category of hypochondriac. Yes- I am his subordinate. I am kind. I listen to whatever- I truthfully care if he's feeling bad and express that because it's truth rather than the negative, but would not 'friend' him outside of the office...ever.
I had a document that needed to be signed and I was NOT bringing it to him. He saw me with it and told me to bring it to him. I did as I was told. He asked me to shut the door and then he began to talk. Much of the talk was crazy talk. He told me how rich he was; that he was so good looking; that he was never one to lose his temper; never one to eat junk food; about being a victim of mal practice where blood pressure medication was concerned...swore me to absolute secrecy...self important, ego boosting stuff. The coward that I am I disagreed to none of it, but did not actually agree either. I have not met that version of him in the 7 years I've been there.
The crazy talk went into depression. He didn't celebrate Christmas-couldn't get out of bed- wishes he could go to sleep and never wake up, doesn't forget (he said in a nasty way) who did him wrong... (I think it was a threat about saying what he was telling me, at least I did at the time.)
I suggested talking to his priest, getting help of some kind, and told him that he was still here-he could turn things around. I told him about my Aunt Carol and how they gave her two months (which amounted to 3 weeks) and how she surrounded herself with loved ones bringing us all together and smiling... he said he just didn't want to be here anymore. He refused any of the suggestions.
My brother in law-as you may remember- committed suicide in 2008. Just before Fathers Day that year. It was awful. He said that EXACT sentence. It frightened me beyond his normal/typical crying 'wolf' scenarios. I went home completely unhinged. I did not know what to do. This man can be vicious. I've seen him punch the water cooler when there was no water- like I mentioned I NEVER met the guy he sees himself as...
I told my husband just because I needed to talk to someone- ANYONE about what had gone down on that Tuesday. He suggested that I let someone at work know, because carrying yet another huge weight like that on my shoulders might make me sick too. I didn't sleep a wink but the outcome was my decision to tell. If it was a choice between getting fired or saving his life- whether I like him or not- guess which was more important?
Wednesday I went in and told my immediate supervisor. She admitted that he had uttered that same sentiment to her. By nature she is quiet, kind and gentle. She was keeping it to herself and suffering through it much as I had done all night. At that point I believed that he may try to really harm himself and I went higher and brought it to the third in command- he being the second. In my mind my sister in law cried with confusion and devastation on her face; the things that her children said and asked of me since the death of their father by his own hand plagued me.
By the time I got a moment of her time I was completely disheveled. I began crying uncontrollably in her office. At first I think she saw it as him crying wolf as usual, but my reaction to it changed that opinion. She later took it to the Judge, who called me into his chamber and I cried again. I did not realize how much my brother in laws death had effected me until the second in command at work put me into that same position.
He told the new girl at the front desk- the one that replaced me- that he didn't think he would be around much longer. She felt that he was dying from whatever ailment had changed him so drastically. She didn't know what had gone on with me and he had not sworn her to secrecy. I had to reattach my jaw. I did do the right thing by telling. Clearly- something is WRONG with him whether or NOT he's suicidal or crying wolf as usually believed.
Though retaliation of any kind is against the rules, my fear is that now they'll invent some plausible reason to get rid of me. The economy is bad. My book is doing OK, but I cannot quit my day job. Still, the right thing is to sacrifice the job to save the life. I believe that the Lord will look upon me favorably for that. I suffered through that day.
Thursday I went in and the third in command stopped from her busy schedule, hugged me and asked if I was OK. I apologised for flipping out the way I did. She remembered my brother in law and what we'd gone through during his 'illness' for lack of a better word. She was kind and gentle. None of us know what to do here. She said that he's been telling people that stuff since July; he'd been refusing to go get help even though its free since that time too and that he chose to tell me because of my brother in law and that she found it to be cruel. She apologised unnecessarily on his behalf. If that's true- I do too, but I think its more like a VERY SICK man screaming for help as loud as he can, yet its only a whisper... He did call her that day, which I found great relief in and sobbed once inside the privacy of my cubicle.
My co-worker in the new department had overheard me talking to the first supervisor because her cubicle is next to the supervisors. She came in and saw me sobbing. She held me for awhile. I was glad when the Judge dismissed us for the Holiday. I didn't go out on New Years Eve though the original plan was to go see my surrogate Grand daughter (not blood) but I just could not get into a good spirit. I stayed home- climbed into bed and slept, though not soundly for the first time since the second in command told me those things.
I'm still quite upset. I also broke my diet worse than I ever have in those three days. I couldn't get enough bad food...junk food...it was like a drug. I needed a shovel. I was spiraling. I took control of myself again this morning and am praying for the divine hand of God and the Angels to see me through it and to save the life of the second. At this point I have no right to tell you any of the things I usually do. I didn't follow my own advice, and I jumped ship with cement blocks in each hand. I'm starting over fresh today. Reading my own blog- and trying to follow my own advice... join me. Let's do this thing.
Have a happy, healthy, prosperous New Year. May ALL of your dreams come to fruition! Thanks for 'listening.' xo

December 5 2010 Diet Blog

2010-12-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

It may have been 'delusions of grandeur' once upon a time when I thought I'd also write a maintenance end to this blog. It's been rough going. I am literally at the exact same weight as the last time I weighed in- so I guess that's a good thing, but I get weak in the months of October, November and December. I still wonder why I can't eat real foods as I want them like everyone else in the world seems to be able to do. I know...I know...metabolism, moderation...yadda, yadda, yadda. I get it. I just wish it could be otherwise. Still, I look in the mirror and like what I see a little better these days, so I guess that's something. It's not GREAT yet though, and I feel like after this length of time, that it should be. I get so tired of watching, counting, and behaving. I think that might be why I blew it so bad it October. I have to tell you though- the consequences weren't worth it. It set me back a month to break even with where I was before...sigh. Anyway- I'm moving ahead...inching along and hoping to remain steadfast until Christmas with my son and his wife. That's a bit of November and MOST of December. Join me. I need the support! Let's support each other!
I know that this is a short blog, but I have a ton of things going on...many balls juggling in the air and not to mention holiday stuff on top of it. Stress is usually my downfall, but I'm going to give it everything I've got! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL of you. xo

November 12, 2010

2010-11-12T04:12:00.000-08:00

Since I missed October completely I thought I'd come on again and touch base with you all. As you may or may not know I traveled in October to book signings and had the opportunity to visit Oahu Hawaii. When I returned getting back to the business of dieting was difficult to say the least.
It took literally about two weeks for me to find the will power-for lack of better terminology- to stay on the right path for a full day. It took four solid days of fighting with myself through parties at work, dinners with family and friends and taste buds that craved Halloween candy like everyone else had.
I've come to the realization that I'm a "carbo-holic." I'm hooked on carbs- the bad kind. It is my 'drug of choice' and beating that particular addiction takes serious focus, determination and yes...WORK!
Though I'm still struggling, I fell back into the pattern and am forging ahead. How? One minute at a time; joking about it with my friends; putting my focus elsewhere... using whatever tools came available to me. I am on day 5. Though I did not get on the scale because I didn't want the numbers to send me into a downward spiral I feel like I've gained some weight. I'm very conscious of my body...I wish I wasn't sometimes. I feel things getting evened out now and the tailspin did not occur thankfully, so I'm trudging along the diet path again and still hoping to release another twenty pounds or so.
My advice is to begin. It doesn't matter what time of day or if you've just cheated two seconds ago...begin now. There is no set starting position, there is just the fact that if you need to shed the weight, you do have to start somewhere. Take it one day at at time; one hour at a time; one minute at a time; one second at a time. I'm reaching for the 'cheat day' of Thanksgiving Day. I pray I am solid to that point. I feel like I've reached firmer ground...join me.
It's an uphill, constant battle that we may need to fight for the rest of our lives. You know what they say...'there is strength in numbers.' Let's DO THIS! Together.
In the meantime remember that you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Don't let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Remember, I'm right here with you...wielding that shield and fighting my way through years of abuse and fat on my body... Hold on! You can do it! WE can do it! See you next blog. ;-)

November 7, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-11-07T16:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I'm late but as you may or may not know my life is quite full at the moment. I've been doing great with book signings, traveling and talking to people about myself and my work. The diet was going excellent until I went to Hawaii on October 15. I kept in in check- but am struggling to get back on it. I did not weigh myself on the 5th as planned because I just feel that I cannot handle the depression that comes with the elevated numbers. As of tomorrow the 8th I am going back on it full force-my goal "cheat day" being Thanksgiving. On Dec 5th come hell or high water I will post the poundage for you.
I do want to mention the amazing experience that I had in Hawaii though. Of course, the entire trip was out of this world as I'm sure you can imagine if you haven't been there already yourself. But the most astounding thing occurred. Let me explain from the beginning. Upon arrival in Honolulu I headed for the luggage area as is the customary thing to do. A stewardess was racing across the floor trying to make a plane-catch a bus or whatever...anyway, she collided with me even though I saw her barrelling through and tried to get out of her way.
She stepped on my instep with her heel and left a lovely little hole in it in the shape of her heel. It hurt, but not so bad that I did or said anything. She apologised while still on the run and I limped a bit but got my luggage and continued on my way-friend in tow.
Later I took the sock and shoe off of my foot to discover the bloody mess that had been left underneath. I got peroxide, neosporin and band aids, doctored it up and didn't miss a beat.
About 4 days later while visiting the Honolulu Zoo we were going through a tunnel of Banyan trees, which are trees whose branches are the roots and not the bottom of the trunk. They are wild. Anyway, It was about 88 degrees F and the time change had me totally exhausted, and by this time there was an infection setting into my foot that I was pretending didn't exist.
I thought I was hallucinating because I saw little 'beings' for lack of a better word. They were about the size of barbie dolls. There were two. They had wings. One was dressed in light blue the other in browns and tans. The blue one seemed to try and hide where the brown one was more brazen and actually waved at me.
I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I admit I thought I was seeing things. After I rubbed my eyes they were gone. I called out that I needed water. They reappeared seconds later. That time I snapped a picture with my camera.
After that I got water and rested under an umbrella and felt a little better. I took over 500 pictures on the trip and to be perfectly truthful, I forgot about the little beings.
At home I downloaded all of my pictures. I had gone to the doctor, got a tetanus shot, antibiotics and a prescription for blood work and was feeling much better. The pictures that I took of the Banyan tree came up. Sure enough...the little ladies were in the picture. I gasped.
I posted them on face book...so that ALL of my friends could now see that I really AM a lunatic... and many commented. A lot of people saw them, some did not. One did not but wanted to more than anything and asked me to mark them somehow. I thought that was a good idea and so I figured out how to use the paint brush program and outlined what I saw. As I did that I saw a third one but I hadn't seen her that day so I mentioned her but outlined only the ones I did see.
The picture outlines were awesome- I do not draw that well...holy moly! They were angels- they were beautiful...and yes folks...I ABSOLUTELY think that I saw them... I'm not sure why or what/if anything I should do or study or say but there they are plain and simple...
So I'm home now- dealing with that, wishing I could just drop everything and return there to see if I see them again...but cannot (the cost alone....) and I'm sharing that experience with you. Hows THAT for a blog? ;-)
Tomorrow I start over. I'm going to call upon any angels surrounding me for help in all of my endeavors...for my health and weight loss, for fame and fortune to surround my writing, for my dream of giving vast sums of money to SIDS research, for the lives of people I touch paths with to be blessed and for love and peace to spread through me in the Lords name...isn't that really what we all want?
In the mean time take care of you...I'll be back on Dec 5th. Talk to you then!

September, 6 2010 Diet Blog

2010-09-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

I could not blog on the 5th as usual because we have a very sad thing going on in my family. An Aunt fell and broke her hip. Upon opening her up to put a pin into it for repair, it was discovered that the hip was cancerous. They removed that part and put the pin in. While in sugery, she suffered a stroke. She lived through that. She then had further tests that revealed that she has cancer throughout her entire body. The doctors say that she had got approximatly two months to live. She is 71. In my opinion, that is still so young. Two weeks ago she seemed fine. Now, she's been brought home and confined to a hospital bed so that she can die at home.
She was very good to me as a child. I feel loss and devastation at the thought of her being incapacitated like that not to mention so ill that she might die soon. While I sat with her I told her to remain positive. That Doctors don't know everything. She said that she didn't feel like she was that sick. Her mind is fine. It's her body that is giving out.
She told me that I look like a toothpick. She is very proud of the weight loss, which is an even 50 pounds gone as of this morning, the first real goal reached...20 more to go.... She told me that I am beautiful. We talked for awhile. I'm glad that I got to see her. I'm too sad to capture my emotions in words though- so forgive me.
While I was in that state I stopped by the Lake that was near hell house where I grew up. I went alone. I needed to sort out my head before the two hour drive home. It's very built up now and looks so different from the times I went there as a kid. I warmed my feet in the sand. It was rough and chock full of pebbles and tiny shells. It wasn't so rough that you needed shoes though, just so you get an idea. I looked around and watched the calm water for awhile. A young boy that I went to school with drown in that Lake when we were in high school. I talked to the sixth grade heart throb on this same sand. He called me by the wrong name. I couldn't help but smile to myself. It was sheer devastation to my sixth grade ego back then.
I thought about my life since the last time my feet had touched this sand. I thought about all of the wrong decisions that I've made and about the right ones. Truth is: I would do it all over again pretty much the same way. My life is good, though I do complain sometimes. I think my Aunt feels the same way. She is married 51 years. My Uncle is in agony, and looks it. She has five grown kids and they all have kids, some are grandparents now. She had her kids young. Thats how things were done then. My Uncle still carries her wedding picture in his wallet. He says that she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen on that day. I found that to be so romantic. He's a good guy. Bad things really do happen to good people.
I found myself asking God why? Why my little girl? Why my Aunt? Why couldn't he just take a jerk...I guess that question's answer is hidden in the question. Why would God want "jerks" in heaven. I get it. I just hate it. I know that she'll be okay. She knows how loved that she is here. She gets to take that with her when/if she goes. Still, Doctors don't know everything. It's God's plan, not ours.
So, my head is full of depression and sadness. I'm trying to make sense out of things...again. Eating my way through it is no longer an option obviously. I'm choosing to feel the emotion. I owe her that. I love her.
I'm going to sign off here. I'll write again as soon as I'm able. Of course, I'll keep you posted on the progress of the next 20 pounds.

August 29, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-08-29T05:44:00.000-07:00

Still plodding along the path to a smaller body. I didn't weigh in officially this month because I went on the Royal Caribbean book tour Cruise and was not behaved well at all. I controlled it- or tried to but it was so difficult. It seems like cruises have more food than anywhere else on the planet. Still I'm not unhappy with the outcome and I will weigh in officially on September 5th and post the results.
I'm quite proud of myself for something that happened yesterday and thought that it would be a good subject to talk with you guys about because I cannot believe that it's STILL happening to me, even now, when dieting has become a habit; a vendetta if you know what I mean. The subject is "sabotage" and I'll explain what happened first.
I went out to celebrate my BFF's nieces birthday at a restaurant called P.F. Chang's. They serve oriental food and a pear mojito to die for, if that's your thing. Though it may have been mine in another life, I opted for diet coke. Several appetizers were ordered; pan fried this, fried that, noodle whatever; you get the idea. I opted for the company of people I like and the diet coke. My not having those things should not hinder any one's good time or eating habits in anyway- especially because I had full intention of sharing the bill just the same.
My Bff, who has been with me throughout the diet process and watched me struggle for years was actually insistent, REPEATEDLY that I try this, that, and the other. At first I joked because as the designated driver I refused to drink, then I said things like "I may as well just apply it here" and patted my rump. I mentioned the upcoming Hawaiian trip that I would like to be at my best for...none of it deterred her. Finally, in a jolly voice with a smile on my face I glared at her in a way that she is very familiar with I'm sure, given the length of our friendship, and I told her pointedly that she should be supportive- especially now when the end is in sight at about 18 pounds away. I reminded her that I've struggled for too long to let that pan fried whatever come between me and what I dream of looking like on my next book cover.
It took several attempts before she actually got it- but I'm happy to report that she did get it. I'm still reeling from the fact that I had to re-convince her. I guess that means that I must be looking normal because I think that she honestly forgot or something.
Later, we went to the party store to get Thank you cards for gifts given at her oldest son's graduation. I had helped her write out the invites and I had said I would help her with this too. While we were in there she said that she absolutely was dying for a sweet and she purchased a chocolate candy bar. She ate a bite of it and said jokingly, "I'd offer you some but I need to be supportive." We laughed. She got it. That was her way of saying "oops, sorry about that." It blew over and all was well.
My point though is that the "sabotage" seems to die out for awhile when people figure out that you're serious but then it comes back as you get close enough to the goal to see it. It's within reach for me. 18 pounds is a spit in the bucket, so to speak, compared to what I've lost already. My cautionary warning for you guys: Watch for it. Prepare for it. I cannot believe that it happened after all of this time. For the record my BFF is naturally thin. It's a genetic code for a great metabolism. She can eat anything, drink anything, enjoy combinations of anything and never pays a consequence. She looks great in everything and can buy clothes from everywhere. I do not have that luxury. I never did. I still don't. My figure leaves a lot to be desired. I'm small on top and big on the bottom. I look better but believe me- she'd win a beauty contest where I'd be thrilled to sit in the back of the audience wearing black glasses.
I believe that being prepared for things that we know are going to occur has helped me a lot on this path. That's why I felt that it is imperative to share these things with you. It is part of being successful on this path to health and vitality that we obviously feel we must be on. Let me just add, that I'm glad to be on this path with you. It's nice to have company. It's nice to help and be helped by you.
I'll sign off here reminding us all that :You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive...AND we're still in this together...I'm right here.
Take care of yourself...begin again if you need to...xo

July 13, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-07-13T04:23:00.000-07:00

The weigh in on the 5th made it official. 47 pounds down and counting. I got so busy during these past few months since the book came out that I can barely squeeze in 2 minutes out of my day. The frustration grows with each passing day as the publishing company has promised to deliver books for me but has not. I am easy to work with, but cancelling signings is asking too much. I'm a NEW member of this world and they are trashing my rep already. The publisher finally picked up the phone and then emailed me later in the day last week on Friday. He says everything is back in order. Let us pray....
The Royal Caribbean cruise is nearly upon me. I need to get the poster made for the signing there. I contacted the gentleman in charge and am awaiting confirmation about everything- like the protocol. I need an agent badly. I'm learning on the fly- where they would know how to handle these things. It's so hard sometimes...but I dreamed of it for 20 years AND I inteend to see it through come hell or high water.
The Hawaiian tour is lining up now. I pray for great success in these places and in this endeavor. Seeing this dream come to fruition will lead to the ultimate dream of saving babies from SIDS death and mom's from the agony of facing "death for no real reason" of their children. I want all mom's to be able to raise all of their children...each one is different and unique...you cannot replace one with another....
I've gotta run or be late for my real job at the courthouse...OH! Did I mention that they are "promoting me?" LOL...to be continued next blog! Have a great day/night! See you then!

July 3, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-07-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

Hi All! I think the once or twice a month thing may be the way this goes for now. Again- I'm an email away if you need a friend!
Unofficially the scale bumps between 46 and 47 pounds lost. The official weigh in will of course be on the 5th as always. I've checked several times though. The Royal Caribbean cruise/book signing is coming up in August and I want to be svelte for it obviously. I'm working hard and praying harder.
After last month it was VERY hard to get back on track with the diet. I floundered without having the estimated 'time to cheat day' laid out for me. They were every week- just about. 6 weeks is too long but one is not long enough. I think 3 or 4 is the proper allotment of time between cheat dates for me.
I've been book signing my little head off and its going pretty well. I'm frustrated with the publisher because I've been trying for a month to get 50 more books and cannot get so much as a response from them. I'm completely without books at this moment with 2 signings looming before me. I placed my 4th call to them this morning and have done numerous e-mails. It is SO frustrating.
I'm getting a promotion at work. Supposedly I start on July 8th and I've heard that I will enjoy that job very much. I'm a little nervous about leaving the position I've been in since I was hired almost 7 years ago but am looking forward to the change as a positive move. My career dreams do not include this job as a forever thing. I want to be a world renowned author- loved and revered by readers- not to mention generating millions of dollars a year, enabling me to help people and "save babies" through SIDS research. Yup...I dream BIG when I dream...
Anyway- I had my first experience at the pool. It wasn't as bad as last year but I still am fat and REALLY white. I wasn't the fattest by far though- thankfully. I've never been real comfortable in a bathing suit though so its not the newest concept in my life. It could be worse, and MOST CERTAINLY has been.
I'm facing new life decisions these days. I've had an unsettling time with my husband and his family this year. Thank heaven our child is grown and married and away from this world. Of all of the things I dreamed for him, getting away from "this" was definitely one at the top of the list. He is happy and that is good. The family- including hubby who seems not to give a flying fig- have done some major damage to my heart this year. Sadly- I'm unsure if I can repair it this time. It's patched together with glue and tape already.... My husband, who I adored and held up on a pedestal is part of that too this time. I am so shocked that after all of these years- he knows me NOT. He clearly still sees me as the person that came from the other side of the tracks. Of the two of us- he is the ONLY one who misbehaved in our relationship. It was NEVER me. I'm hurt- wounded...but they can't defeat me. I've been through a lot. I'll re-group. Without going into vivid detail...let me just say that 27, nearly 28 years of marriage is not a failure. We are a success these days. I wonder, sometimes if people should "jump ship" or have the option of resigning at a certain year...I wonder how many would... I wonder if I would.
I'll write in again on the 5th with the official number for you. In the mean time remember: You look as good as you can for today, tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time! Stay positive! You are not alone! See you next Blog! ;-)

June 6 2010 Diet Blog

2010-06-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hi You guys! Sorry the weigh in post is a day late but it's been a whirlwind weekend. The weight stayed exactly the same for which I am eternally grateful to the powers that be because I had too many cheat days to count. I need to get back on track. It's been very difficult to move forward because the "holidays" or when I need to cheat are too close together. Mothers Day, Hubby's birthday, my birthday, now father's day...it's too closely knit and there's no way to maintain the regimen I've set. The several weeks in between days works for me though, with totally strict behavior in between. I'll of course, as always keep you informed.
Friday I left work to get my nails done. It was such a hot, hot day. Summer is here with a vengeance! (Be careful what you ask for as they say...) On the way I got a phone call about my book signing on June 11th in Cape May NJ. There will be 180 students there and the book is selling well. "Another box arrived," she said happily. I maintained composure but really I wanted to leap around like a fool yelling "go me! Go me!"
On Saturday I got my hair permed in the morning. The color will get done in two weeks. The perm looks okay. It's not what I expected but I didn't hate it. I'll like it even better with color I think. Right now its virtually all white. I look older. My husband was right about the keeping it red thing. Anyway- after that I went to the swim club- yup MY Favorite place speaking body wise as you know. Still it was a lovely and serene setting to enjoy the afternoon in. Later I went to karaoke with my Bff from Wanaque. Blairstown Bff couldn't make it but my husband came which was completely unusual. We had dinner and then Wanaque Bff joined us. My karaoke buddy's girlfriend couldn't get over my appearance! She complimented me over and over and told me I was "sexy." Wow....We had a fun evening but I couldn't carry a tune to save my life. No one minded. They sang Happy Birthday UG! I got through it. UG!
Sunday morning I found a ton of Happy Birthday posts and requests from friends to do book signings in towns near them. I'm ALL IN! I told them to get me listings of local libraries and book stores and I'd write letters and we'd see. Life feels so good right now. I hope it gets better and better in this area. I'm going to the swim club again with sista girl and my niece and nephew. Then I'm going to a place called P.F. Changs for dinner with my Best BFF and company. It should finish the weekend off with a bang!
I hope that you are all doing as well. If not start again right now! Even if it's the middle of your day, begin anyway. I'm here with you. I still have quite a way to go too. In the meantime remember that you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time! Stay positive! See you next blog! ;-)

June 2, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-06-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing better. I haven't lost any weight this month (that's unofficially until the 5th) but I haven't gained any either, and I had a bunch of cheat days as well as one "streak" where I couldn't get back to my regimen. Its been pretty tough but I'm okay. My birthday is Sunday. I hope to blast right through it while remaining steadfast on the diet...we'll see...
I had my first pool experience. It wasn't so bad. Last year I felt like the largest person at the pool. UGLY in every sense of the word. This wasn't quite that...but the self esteem is still shaky at best. My bathing suit was the same as last years and I am pleasantly surprised to report that it slid right on loosely and so I felt better about that. Not great...but not SO BIG if you get my drift.
My sister-in-law found someone and he seems wonderful. You may remember she was widowed two years ago suddenly by way of a house fire that her husband purposefully started to commit suicide. She suffered so. The new man in her life is very sweet. He's good to her. He wears hearing aides which makes him perfect for her, because by nature she is very loud. God is good and he does provide if you let him. She said something very profound to me though. She said that she found a very special person in him. That she's going to "allow" herself to have that. I understood the statement. Women-as a general rule self sacrifice...well just about everything for their loved ones. She was no different. I guess "growth" really is an amazing thing in a person. Her husbands exodus from this world changed her... in a good way...in many good ways...
Life is funny that way.
The book is out and signings are lined up. I'm in 201 Magazine this month. It's only a blurb but it felt good just the same. I feel pretty good about it and I hope that it takes off. I sent promotional copies all over the United States and to "stars" like Oprah, Gayle King, Kelly Rippa, John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston, The View hosts, the Today show hosts...Henry Winkler ,,,the list goes on and on. It's pretty wonderful.
The song "I wanna be a billionaire" by Travie McCoy just came out and my BFF dubbed it my theme song. I laughed SO hard when I heard it- For the most part-it totally fits! I posted it to face book and laughed every time I played it, which was often. It's such a cute song!
Well that's about all the news for the moment. I will rejoin you on the 5th for the official weigh in. (We always LOVE that...) In the meantime try to remember:
You look as good as you can for today, tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Try to stay positive and remember- you are not alone! Have a great day/evening/night. See you next blog! ;-)

May, 5, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-05-06T04:26:00.000-07:00

It's official. I'm 40 pounds down and counting. It may not be as much this month because the cheat days are close together. Mothers Day is Sunday, Birthdays are at the end of May and the first week of June. I will try to at least maintain the 40 pound mark but we'll see.
I'm happy to report that all of those smaller clothes I purchased are now a very loose fit or just plain too big! I don't have a lot of money right now because the book just came out and it's costly to purchase them but as soon as I do I will go shopping for clothes that actually fit.
Yes! I said costly! The author pays too. I gave them out to friends and family for Mother's Day and of course handed some out for promotional reasons. I "eat" that money literally lol! (Thank heaven there are NO calories! I'd be FAT as a house again!)
I will update again as I am able. In the meantime- take care of you because YOU are important to me.
Remember, you look as good as you can for today, tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive! You are NOT alone! See you next blog. ;-)

April 27, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-04-28T04:14:00.000-07:00

Hi! I haven't been on in a while but I wanted to touch base with you. All is well but I've experienced some drastic weakness this week. I am unsure of exactly why because I was doing SO well and losing a lot now makes me want to stick to it...however...
My statistics class couldn't be going worse. I'm all but failing the class and I've never worked harder to pass something. The teacher's English is so poor that I generally have no clue what he is saying and I'm literally teaching it to myself. It has literally become a second job. It has ruined my GPA which was 4.0 and I'm really upset about that. I'm struggling for all I'm worth but drowning anyway.
The book came out though, which was perhaps one of the most profound things in my life to date. It was right up there with giving birth to my kids, the pain was strewn out across twenty years coupled with blood, sweat, tears and frustration. It was so "odd" to see it actually come to fruition. I say "odd" because I was so very completely happy, yet I cried a river, and felt fear if that makes any sense.
I've got several book signings lined up and the girl from work with the abilities to "schmooze" that I do not possess will be helping me along. She is chomping at the bit. I am accepting her help and want it because truthfully, I'm just too shy I think. The talking and signing are hard enough. Booking the stuff is really hard! Also the website is up. It is still under construction but you can get accurate information off of it if you want.
conniemurrayslocum.com
To update you: Bff is doing well, going on the Royal Caribbean book signing with me and is thrilled., Blairstown BFF is still looking for a job. She got a new hair do and that made her feel good. It works for me too. I highly recommend it. PA Bff is trying to get an internship so I'm hoping that happens for her. Hawaii male BFF is still suffering through health issues but has a great attitude and is constantly in my prayers...and on my phone!...Oh the bills...the minutes...Ahhh... lol.
My son and his wife are celebrating their one year anniversary. My searcher vault friend is still happy. She looks great and more relaxed. She just got back from a cruise and says she gained a few pounds...Oh no! ;-) And my co-worker is two weeks into the South Beach diet. She is allowed no carbs. NONE for now. I will keep you posted as I am able but as you can see, things got hectic. Well that's about all for now. I'm off to the courthouse for work.
Until next time remember: You look as good as you can for today, tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive! If you need me I'm here...a little less than usual, but I'll be back-to quote Arnold Schwarzenegger. Have a great day! See you next blog!

April 5, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-04-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful Easter Sunday! May you have a blessed and serene holiday. It's also my daughter-in-laws birthday. She and my son are spending a happy day together and since his birthday is on the 9th, they will be taking a little mini-vacation. I'm glad that they are so happy.
It is also weigh in day. Yup...as promised I weighed in. The tally is 35 pounds. I guess I'm doing okay with it now. I found that strict works for the most part as long as I have a goal. Today I will cheat. I will enjoy Easter dinner with the family and then go back on the strict until I have my son and daughter in law over for their birthdays. I have to admit to faltering a bit this month though. Not so much that it counted but the pressure was ON! And that's when I lose focus...still.
Its a day to day struggle. I get tired sometimes and just want to be like "everyone else" sometimes but I'm forging ahead. I see the difference in my clothes and in my step. There is a lighter cantor to it these days.
I am under the gun- pressure wise. The math/statistics class is proving to be more difficult than any classes that I've encountered to date. I'm literally teaching it to myself. I'm passing- but just barely. The teacher speaks little English and I'm just so lost. I'm not the only one either. Sadly- my 4.0 went out the window which infuriates me. What are you going to do, right? (sigh)
The book comes out May 1st. There is a magazine article in 201 Magazine to follow in June. I'm lining up book signings. One for Royal Caribbean cruise lines...I'm hoping will put my work on the map- so to speak.
If you want to look it up see my new website at:
conniemurrayslocum.com
if you have a book club or just a bunch of friends who purchased the book and want to have a little get together, let me know! I'll sign the books for them.
So life is good- busy and full...I'm happy but at times overwhelmed. I will still blog as much as I'm able. Summer is coming and that should free me up at least a little because there is no school thankfully. There will be signings and readings though so ... I will keep you posted!
Have a terrific day. AND remember:
YOU look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better! Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time! Stay positive and remember, I'm STILL right here with you! See you next Blog! ;-)

March 13, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-03-13T05:33:00.000-08:00

It's been an elevator ride at work this week. It was either really bad and really busy or really nice and really busy. Either way we were really busy. I feel overwhelmed- as do all of my co-workers. The stress level is high and so things are tense. I won't go into more vivid details than that other than to say that there is one co-worker who was so stressed that she tends to 'bully' and push her way through whatever situation presents itself...and this time it was my turn to be on the receiving end of her BS. It's happened before but this time she crossed a line. I just don't feel the same about her. AND THAT saddens me...
On the other end of the spectrum, the book signings are starting to come to fruition. Nothing solid yet but I'm definitely excited these days about that! As one of my other co-workers said 'your life is either black or white- there's NO gray matter....' I laughed because that statement is so true. I did a reading of an excerpt last weekend. It went great!
Sometimes I feel like a weakling up against huge hairy monsters with the strength of superman and sub human powers though, if that makes any sense. I feel lost sometimes. I try to be as good of a person as I can possibly be but I still seem to step off the path...or fall off is more like it- even get pushed off... it's so crazy.
On the 'I can't believe it' portion of this weeks calender one of the Santa's Elf's recipients actually found me! I was amazed at the fortitude it took for him to do that. Plus we really don't know each other. We ended up talking on the phone for hours and hours. He's a lovely, spiritual, gifted person and very easy to talk to. I ended up revealing the secrets behind 'me' as we spoke and I think that he did the same. He is very sick right now. Without going into detail and divulging things that are just between us- my heart and prayers go out to him even though he's just dealing with whatever the Lord's plan might be. He had such a rough life. I'm so glad to count him among the people I label as BFF now. Male's are not usually honored with that title in my world...the one that I did honor with it turned out to be the biggest liar and phony baloney on the planet- not to mention the other bad things... so Male's scare me...still... there's something different about this one...I feel warmth and white light....He knows things that are happening in my life that I haven't told my family and friends, or even wrote to you or spoke of OUT LOUD! Can you believe that?! That is weird for me too.
He knew me by the wrong name as a child too so finding me was strange, especially because the name I signed on the note containing the gifts I sent was 'Santa's Elf.' I'm amazed that he caught me lol. I really didn't think he- or anyone else for that matter- could do that. In my defense this particular person has a 142 IQ though. I didn't stand a chance...and believe it or not I think that explains about his life to a degree too. Genius' have issues. He had them and they weren't cared for or even noticed by the adult authority figures in his life...it's just so sad...still, he's so positive and sweet and warm... that's amazing too. I was called a 'gift from God' by a woman yesterday...but he really is one I think.
The diet? Oh yeah- is THAT why were on here lol? It's going beautifully. In fact I'm leaving for karate in just a few minutes and I'll begin my day. I hope that you are all doing as well. If not- begin today! Start now! You saw me start and stop a million times until it 'took.' Don't give up. You can do it.
In the meantime remember: You look as good as you can for today (which is pretty beautiful to me) tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive! And something my Spiritual Male BFF told me: See yourself through HIS eyes...to HIM we are all his children...and truly beautiful...I forgot that for awhile! See you next blog! ;-)

March 5 2010 Diet Blog

2010-03-05T03:45:00.000-08:00

The weigh in as promised. 29 pounds down. Not a big loss but remember I had a huge cheat day and the month was short...at least that's what I'm telling myself as the disappointment filters into my brain. I feel, see and have been hearing that the difference in me is showing big time. I'm wearing smaller clothes and was actually forced to put some of the original ones away because they are so big...so why the small number? I ask myself that. The number is why I choose NOT to weigh in every day or even every week. It's depressing. I like "feeling." It's just better for me.
The next "cheat day is on or around Easter, which is on or around my son's and his wife's birthdays. They will not be here for Easter nor will they be around for their birthdays because they are going away, so I'll work it in around the times that they are available. I'm doing okay with the super strict stretch of time to the cheat day. It's working for me so far so I'm going to continue it.
The funniest thing happened at work the other day. One of my coworkers- the pregnant one came out to the front. She actually had me stand up so that she could examine me ;-). It was weird because I really do have a shy streak and I would've rather hid under the desk but I complied instead. She and the coworker that works the front desk lavished me with praise. That felt nice. I wish that I could see what they see. I feel it sometimes- but REALLY I want to see, you know what I mean? Do you think that it's just the mentality of a "fat" person to think "forever fat thoughts" if you get what I mean? (sigh)
My friend from the searcher vault said something that stuck with me too. She said that she has decided to just "be happy." And she is. Her times have been rough, but she wears that smile and she's got a spring in her step...it's a beautiful thing. I like that philosophy!
Tonight I'm reading the excerpt of my book at an old friend's house on Staten Island. I'm a little nervous, but I'm thrilled to do it. I'm also going to bring a nice bottle of wine I think. I haven't seen her in a very long time. I hope that it goes well.
I'm going to sign off here because I need to get ready for work. As I said I will blog whenever I'm able for now. Everyday is hard because I'm overwhelmed right now with "book stuff." Please post or email or Face book if you need me. I'm still with you....
AND remember, you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive! See you next blog! ;-)

March 1 2010 Diet Blog

2010-03-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

The intensity continues at work. The second in command actually got angry at me because two other people were talking, I had a bad connection with the client on the phone and did not tell the two co-workers to stop talking. Uh...hello...I had a bad connection with the client...IE I was working. The bad connection had nothing to do with the conversation between the coworkers...GRRRR
The rest of the day went better but that made for a very stress filled morning. My next cheat day is on or around Easter depending upon my son. He and his wife are going away for their birthdays which are April 5th and 9th. We will get together but I don't know when so we'll see how it goes.
The strict diet has been working for me. I weigh in on the 5th same as always, and as usual I will keep you posted on the results. I feel better. Let's hope that the numbers match.
The book is really coming to fruition now! It's so exciting. They are taking pre-orders and 5 library signings are pending as well as the TSK signings...Helen has stepped into the position of my manager and I really like that. We are cruising in August and we have offered me up to sign books on Board at the book store. I REALLY hope that takes. I've got letters out to everyone right now and I'm praying with all of my might that at LONG LAST I get to see this dream come to pass. I will keep you as up to date as possible.
In the mean time remember: You look as good as you can for today- Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your interpretation of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. Remember- I'm STILL out here with you! Keep ME informed! Take care. See you next blog!

February 17-21 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a whirlwind since the cover of my book came out. People- book signings- business talks- website-family....it's endless! It's wonderful though. I stuck to the diet except for once when I ate pretzels out of sheer starvation. I did karate and I have a statistics test on Tuesday night which I literally spent from dawn to dusk studying this weekend. I'm exhausted. Forgive me for the length of time between blogs these days but I'm going to get busier before I'm not busy if you know what I mean. ...And may I just add "Whew!" to that thought.
This might have to be every few days instead of every day- but I'll try to get on as often as I'm able.
I learned a lot about loving myself this week. Amid the chaos THAT is the message that stood out. I feel blessed and heard by the Lord and nestled among my angels... I'll keep you posted on the progress of course. See you next blog! ;-)

February 16-17, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was spent recuperating from the four day weekend at lightning speed. It was so busy at work that I thought I was going to have to have the phone surgically attached to my ear and the file cabinet surgically attached to my butt. Whew! I scrambled home and then went to school. It had snowed all day so it was wet and slushy then turning to ice. I got through the class with a vague understanding of what he was teaching so I felt pretty good and spoke to a Santa's Elf recipient on the phone for about 30 minutes. It's getting funny. The recipient is trying to use psychology I think. They claim now- not to care if they find out who I am or not. Too funny.
Blairstown BFF had a job interview today. I sure hope that she gets it. It's only a temp for now but possibility of permanent if she works out they said. Say a prayer for her if you think of it.
Today was busy too. I brought the book cover in that my best BFF had framed for me so that everyone could see. The support was overwhelming. I just hope that they all buy copies of the book. It does seem like everyone wants it free. Unfortunately that's not a thing I'll be able to do. They give me a few but that's it! I need to sell them. (sigh)
The girl that I thought hated me at work has many connections and hooked me up with a book signing today. I was astonished. I'm beyond pleased! I hardly know what to say...I said yes obviously...I'm NOT dumb!
I wore the red satin blouse that I got for Valentine's Day and the black slacks that used to be too small. Everyone said how great I looked. I wish it would come off faster. Sadly- we have to start at one pound and go from there. "Love yourself" was the topic of conversation after that. My supervisor overheard me call myself "just a receptionist." She said "we put our best and brightest up here at the front desk." I nearly fell out of my chair. She said it sternly- but I think she meant it nicely...odd right? After she left I couldn't help but take the opportunity to wonder out loud to my co-worker "I wish they paid us as the best and the brightest...." she agreed with a hearty laugh.
We were entertained by an amateur magician today. He borrowed my pen, then he went to hand it back to me and it disappeared. I know the shock value on my face was great. He grinned and showed it to me in his other hand. My coworker missed it and so she made him do it again. I was thankful because I wanted to see it too. I watched like a hawk. I have no idea how he got it from one hand to the other. It was a nice break in the crazy normal day at court.
15 dolphins got stuck in the Hackensack River right by the courthouse today. It was very upsetting. How on earth did those poor things get so detoured. News was there, media...I'm sure that they were so frightened. I hope they are okay.
Home was warm and welcoming. I did some laundry, had some dinner, did a bit of homework, face booked and wrote this blog. Now...a hot shower is finally in order to end my day just right.
I'll sign off here! Have an excellent night! See you next blog! ;-)

February 15, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

Had bad stomach pains all day. I'm pretty sure that it is from the cheat day. I guess that's as good a deterrent as any. I am back on the diet- fighting to go strict. It really is a fight not to be bad...funny right. It shouldn't be considering how awful being bad actually made me feel.
My best BFF printed a color picture of the cover to my book, framed it and brought it over late last night as a Valentine's gift to me. I cried. I've cried a lot since the cover came out. It's overwhelming. I'm so happy. It's like the dream is finally within reach.
Blairstown BFF popped by. She had forgotten her camera the other night when I had the dinner. No one took any pictures but we all had cameras. I think that's kind of funny in a way.
The four day weekend is over sadly. Tomorrow I resume my crazy schedule. It's supposed to snow again, which I'm not happy about. I hate driving in it. I have both work and school tomorrow. My knee hurts though so it's definitely going to do something.
My son called me and we spoke for about an hour. For the first time, I think that he misses me. I haven't felt that before. I loved talking to him and sharing with him... I miss him so much. That "empty nest syndrome" thing is NOT a joke. I suffered terribly.
There's not much more to add than that. I'm going to go curl up in bed and rest. The cheat day was fun but I still feel like I'm suffering the after effects of it. The next one will be in April. Easter is on the 2nd, my son's birthday will be celebrated the week before or after the 9th because his wife and he are going on vacation.
I will- as always- keep you posted. Have a great night (or day depending upon when you read this). See you next blog. ;-)

February 9-14 Diet Blog

2010-02-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. My calendar got very full between blizzards, housework, needs of friends and dates to social events.
The most exciting thing that happened was seeing the cover of my book! There were three choices. I chose- with the help of my family and BFF- the one that was best. It was unanimous as funny as that sounds. It was meant to be I guess.
My son, his wife, my husband and his family, and Blairstown BFF came to my house for a little dinner party on the 13th for Valentine's Day. It was my cheat day. I did cheat badly...I'm suffering for it today. I feel just awful. I got up at 5:30 am to be sick, then went back to bed and woke up at 11am. I feel better but not great. Haven't eaten anything.
My little niece and nephew want us to come over today. My sister-in-law has a date. It's the first official date since her husband passed. She's scared but okay. It's not that she hasn't been with guy friends since but she wants a relationship she thinks and she has to get her feet wet in that area again. She spent a lot of time not feeling....it's got to be so hard. I am praying for her.
One thing that happened left me feeling pretty amazing in these past few days. My best BFF invited me to a make up party and although I don't really wear it I went. I was honest with the representative about that fact. I was the oldest one there by ten years sadly. I know because it was part of the questions.
The woman loved me though and used my face to demonstrate the creams and make up. Non-allergenic thankfully...it was the first thing I asked because I'm super sensitive to that stuff. Anyway, she and the women- that I do not know- kept saying that I had such beautiful skin, such pretty eyes- that I so do not look 50...it was so cool to be me.... I purchased hand cream. My best BFF booked a party at her house. I think that I will order the make up then. I did look pretty when she was done. Not caked up- which is a look I hate on women.
That's about it for the highlights of these last few days. My next cheat date will be on or around Easter, which is right around my son's and my daughter in law's birthdays. They mentioned going away for those dates, which I think is wonderful. He will get together with me before or after their trip. So more than likely- my cheat day will fall at that time.
My son told me that he was proud of me yesterday. I'm still reeling from that sentence. Those words mean so much to me....
I'll sign off on that note. Have a great day. Happy Valentine's Day. See you next blog. ;-)

February 8-9, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-10T08:15:00.000-08:00

I crawled through work on Monday. I was exhausted from the football party I guess but I got totally back on track with my diet. My stomach burned all day and when I got home I literally fell into bed. I was never so happy to see my pillow.
Tuesday was fine too. The morning was very rough but the afternoon got better. Everyone is completely on edge it seems. I wonder if its the pending snowstorm. We are supposed to get one heck of a blizzard. To be honest- that kind of fits with my life lately. My best BFF text me to tell me that she cannot get over how beautiful I looked at the football party. That made me feel good. The lawyer on staff was busy but had to handle a man that came in because as a receptionist my knowledge is limited about the court cases. I helped him to a point but I had to go get her. She get very nasty about it- as if I have ANY say what so ever about who comes into the court. She ended up sitting him in a private booth- not once but twice before he left. What's THAT tell you? Obviously I couldn't have helped him. Her paralegal tells me at lunch that the lawyer apologised to HER for being nasty. I very clearly let her know that I was the one who the lawyer should've apologised to. She was out of line. I hope that she went right back to her with the story.
Then I got a call where the client on the other end was extremely upset. She was complaining about a girl that had retired three years ago though. (Clearly the person that she was upset with gave the retirees name because they knew that they'd be in trouble.) That was the extent of my knowledge about the incident. I gave the call to my supervisor to handle. After the call she came out and reprimanded ME about the call. In what I felt was an accusatory manner she said to me that she'd "better not hear of anyone using another person's name." Hello jerk- I didn't even handle the call. The receptionist next to me got the original call and we are well aware of who she passed it to. That person- the guilty one is the supervisors good friend. She's also a drunk and short tempered and nasty a lot. I didn't tell but we both knew who the culprit was. I was infuriated though. How DARE she think that I would do that?! It's crap.
The morning went on with those as the highlights. By lunch time I was ready to jump ship- tell them ALL off and just forget about it...sadly in this bad economy I cannot afford to do that...I was forced to swallow it but it ate my insides up. My stomach burned with the fury of a brush fire in dry timberland. Then an angel rescued me.
One of the younger employees that did not know the situation sat down next to me at lunch. He was excited to tell me that he had overheard the boss saying some pretty wonderful things about me. Afterwards I just felt so much better. I needed that. I think the angels were watching, saw and led him to me. I get that everyone is stressed but why is it okay-or for them to think it's okay- to take it out on the front desk? AARGH!!!
Anyway- the rest of the day went better with that knowledge tucked away in my brain. School went better. I'm still a bit lost but better off than I was. I'm going to reread and go over everything this weekend. It's a four day weekend that I know of...maybe more if the storm really hits.
I'll sign off here. See you next blog! ;-)

February 7, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

Superbowl Sunday. Party tonight at my best BFF's house. She hasn't seen me in two weeks. I was shocked by her response. She couldn't get over how thin my face looked. Back to my old self- she said among other things. It was so great.
I started the day out with statistics. I read the last two chapters and hopefully taught myself the math properly. I did that until noon. I started long about 8am. It was so hard though. I'll let you know but as of right now, the homework is completely done to the absolute best of my limited ability.
I shopped for the party. I promised my BFF that I would pick up hors devours for the event. I picked up a tray of different fruits, one of cheese and crackers and one of hot wings, plus two bottles of wine. She was thrilled when I arrived with it. I was glad.I miss her through the week. We aren't able to get together as much as we used to.
She introduced me to the crowd as her best friend tonight. I felt very good about that. I knew we were that, and I think of her that way...but I was so glad to know that she thought of me that way too.
The night was spent with the men in the living room watching the game and us women in the kitchen and dining room cooking, drinking wine and tossing the bull. It was awesome. I literally talked to everyone including the men as they ventured into female territory to touch base with their significant others or to check on the children who were all in the garage turned rec room just off of the kitchen, supposedly watching the game...(yeah right...)
It was a fun evening. It's 10:10pm and I'm home- heading for the cozy warmth of my flannel pj's and my pillow and blanket. Hope your weekend was as great as mine. I love being busy. It makes me not miss being a mom so very much.... Next weekend- my baby comes home. He and his wife are coming for dinner. I cannot wait. See you next blog. ;-)

February 5-6, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Stood strong both days on my diet. The grand total of the weigh in this month is 6 pounds bringing the total to 25. Not a bad number if you like numbers. I prefer other methods of measuring my weight loss. Do you remember the pants that I purchased too small for me? I'm wearing them now and I'm in a seated position. They are tight-ish but no problem. I'm feeling very good about that!
I thought Friday would never end. I raced home because I promised my husband that I would. He taped "Lost" because of our busy schedules and Friday we were going to watch it at long last. It was 3 hours worth of television. That's a lot for me. I fall asleep when its on usually. I forced myself to stay awake but when it was over I was done for the night and made a hasty retreat into my bed.
Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn and had done numerous tasks before 7am when I allowed myself to enjoy my first cup of coffee. I printed up several hard copies of the book as promised to friends and got them ready to give or mail depending, I got notified by the publisher that they received the back cover teaser-blurb and are very happy with it, I got ALL of my Valentine's Day Gifts and cards ready for mailing- this may sound simple unless you have been the recipient of one...I put footprints/serenity prayers in some, confetti in some, lottery tickets in some, combinations and gifts in others...you get the idea. I had two cups of coffee. Karate was at 9:30. I tried to hide in the back but there was no way they were letting me off so easily. He put me right up front and in the middle.... I nearly died of embarrassment. I'm very shy. He knows that...he enjoyed himself emensely... Afterwards, I went out on the mat with a new student which was very cool for me. Joshu Barbara worked with both of us. It allowed me to see that I still know a thing or two. I got teased about talking on the mat and felt my face burn red- which he loved... sooo I guess I'm REALLY back. (Sheesh...)
The rest of the day was spent doing statistics homework. I literally had to teach it to myself because the professor doesn't speak English. It was so hard. Math is NOT my forte. I'm of a creative mind set- math of any kind boggles my brain. I started at the beginning-read every chapter and did every assignment in the book until I thought I was going to barf numbers if I didn't stop. Dinner, a hot shower and the television on and I was a goner by 8;30pm.
Sunday is just as busy but I will tell you then. I'll sign off here! Enjoy the football bowl tomorrow! ;-)

February 3 and 4, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

Forgive me for not blogging yesterday but I have an awesome excuse. I got contacted by the publisher and they needed the blurb- teaser written for the back cover of my book. I'm next on the editing list too. I'm so excited I could die of happiness! It's been such a dream of mine...this is it! Here we go! It's really happening at long, long last!
It was fairly slow client wise but the phones kept us going yesterday. Today was horrendous! We were severely busy. It got overwhelming. In the midst of that one of my judges friends and a boss himself decided to tease me. My coworker said that my face was bright red. I believe her because I felt it.
My searcher BFF came in today. She has some personal issues going on and really needed a friend. I was the best one I could be in between phone calls but no where near the friend that I wanted to be to her. I need to visit with her outside of the office. We'll just have to figure something out.
One of my old high school pals has taken to teasing me mercilessly too. I think I am a little deserving because I played back but sheesh! He's got me beat. I have to send up a white flag pretty soon or just get used to my face being red all of the time. I have to admit- it is pretty fun and funny, but I just want to be careful. Losing a friend over playfulness is not something I care to have happen. Plus, he was one of the Santa's Elf gift recipients. I had no idea it would drive him this insane. He wants to thank the person. I understand. I've been there too but you just have to let it go sometimes and let the chips fall where they may.
I stuck to the diet like glue. Tomorrow is the monthly weigh in. I'm trying not to think about it because it'll get me crazy. I have school tonight so that will keep my mind occupied! Statistics- UG!
So that's the whole thing in short hand for the last two days. I'll sign off here reminding you that you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. See you next blog! ;-)

February 2, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

"It's not what you're eating...it's what's eating you..." a face book friend quoted on her page today. You know- there is some truth to that. As I've so often mentioned stress and depression send me running to the fridge. Sometimes there is something else though. Something I cannot put my finger on. That "something" happened today. It's not the first time.
Today at lunch the girls noticed that I look better for the first time. After I reconnected my jaw I thanked them but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to believe them. Does that make sense? I think not. I heard the words they were saying alright but it was as if they bounced off me or something. For whatever reason, that made me want to run for the food comfort zone. I'm astonished at myself. And I do not understand the reaction.
Is there such a thing as a mid life crisis for women? I'm so weird lately. I truly don't understand myself...maybe it's the synthetic hormone replacements since the hysterectomy... I don't know. I changed into jeans and a sweatshirt for school because it is snowy and cold outside, but I felt ugly. Uglier. I can't explain it. Is it fear of a sort? It's definitely stupidity of a sort.
I didn't cheat on the diet but it was a serious struggle after that point. I can't help wonder if I'm abnormal or something or if other's experience that kind of feeling. I thought that I'd be thrilled. I am...or am I? Gees I could get totally twisted over it!
I worked all day. My voice is holding but shaky. School tonight wasn't bad. I actually understand a lot of what is being taught. Maybe I'm going to be okay here.
I'm going to sign off here because I'm freezing and it's getting late. I want to crawl under the nice warm quilt and forget about my idiosyncrasies. It's going to be okay. I just have to get hold of my emotions and corral the negativity so that the positive ions have a change to spread out and manifest good feelings about myself. See you next blog. ;-)

February 1, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-02-01T18:01:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long day. I just feel exhausted. My voice was a hoarse version of raspy by the day's end of work. I just stopped talking after that. I read the past two homework's plus next weeks just to be familiar with the new stuff as it is introduced. I'm feeling okay about it. In a way- some of it seems vaguely familiar anyway...go figure.
My BFF from the searcher vault stopped by today. Unfortunately we had like one minute to talk before the phones exploded and I got totally overwhelmed. She was there long enough to say that she could see that my clothes are getting big. That was the high light of my day...clearly she's a keeper.
I pretty much spent the rest of the night talking through typing on face book. One of the girls I'm friends with is one I knew from high school. I knew of her but not her. She seems so genuine and so nice. She requested to read one of the drafts to my books. I had offered awhile back but she didn't respond and so I didn't mention it again. I'm not one to push myself down the throats of others. It's just not my way. I felt so good when she asked me to read it though. She had mentioned that she was a fan of reading, which was why I had originally offered in the first place. I didn't take insult when she didn't respond, I just figured she'd catch it when the actual book comes out this summer...but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wish she'd asked to see it. Funny how things work out sometimes, isn't it? I told her to private inbox message me her address and I'd get it right out! I feel really good about that.
I hired Blairstown buddy to type the four books I lost when the computer crashed. I have the hard copies but I've needed them typed in. She needs money. It's a win-win situation. She accepted the offer. If she didn't I have another friend in NJ and one in Hawaii that are in between jobs too. I'm sure someone would do it. I'm glad it was her though. Life is good.
I'll sign off here because I need to crawl under the quilt and get warm and rested. School tomorrow night after work- and it's just so damn cold. It's chilling me right to the bone these days. I stuck to the diet though...haven't broken it! Have an excellent rest of the day or night, depending upon what time it is by you. See you in the next blog! ;-)

January 29-31, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-31T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a whirlwind weekend. My voice left me at work and became a raspy version of it's smoother, former self. A headache began and by the end of the day I was thinking home and hearth were going to be my weekend domain despite all of the plans that I had made. I just couldn't disappoint my best BFF though. Since I have two pills left on the antibiotics from the urinary infection, I know that whatever I have cannot be contagious and so I went over as planned. I drank tea and we talked the night away with a third friend that had helped her paint the ceilings before I got there. The house is looking amazingly good! I left at 10pm.
Saturday morning began with karate at 9:30am. I am feeling so good about going but I have to admit the cold is killing my joints. Still, I did it. I'm happy with myself. The rest of the morning was filled by doing several Valentine's gifts and getting the rest ready for mailing this week. I hope that the girl scout cookies I ordered for my son and my hubby come in before the day...they are thin mint fans and that's their gift from me if they come in on time.
One of the "Santa's Elf" recipients is going crazy trying to find out the true identity of the person that helped them. According to a reliable source- the Elf really helped him out of a tough spot. As thrilled as I am to hear it- I really want to remain anonymous. I know the feeling though. That balloon on my car etc left me half crazed too. I'll keep you posted.
Late afternoon was spent at the nail salon getting my nails and feet done. I felt like a million bucks by the end and got healthy compliments all day including one from a gentleman who held a door open for me claiming that it was his honor to hold the door for such a beautiful woman after I said thank you. I almost fainted right there! I liked that obviously...it's not something that happens every day.
It's Sunday now. Mid-afternoon. I'm doing laundry, I watched some taped shows with my hubby and am going to do my math homework shortly. My day will be spent inside as my voice is still strange, although slightly better.
Have a great day. I'll see you next blog!...and YES! I stuck to the diet like glue. Weigh in is on the 5th as always! ;-)

January 28, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

Kicking butt and taking names!! I had a busy day at work, but not a bad one. It was decidedly a lot like Monday was. I have to admit that I was glad to see 4;30 come. I mailed out one of the Valentine's Joke gifts because it will take ten days to reach its destination if its anything like a regular letter. It is literally an envelope in an envelope in an envelope with a tiny card in the end saying "I wondered if you'd go all the way." No signature and I used their own return address! I laughed all of the way to the mailbox. The line is an inside joke and the victim is an old friend. We'll see if they guess who did it! Let the fun begin! I have several more ideas for family and friends too.
It's so cold outside that I could hardly breathe. The wind slapped my face, stung my forehead and iced up my tear filled eyes. It was awful to go the distance to the car after class tonight.
I was able to follow and understand the teacher. Well- I didn't understand the words he used but I read the book and followed the things he was doing on the board and I had a clue at the end of the night so I'm feeling kind of good about that. This weekend I'm going to go over everything that I learned again and see how I do.
My young PA friend wanted to come out this weekend but I had to say no. I'm so busy right now. I really need to get a lock on this school work and I want to remain strict on my diet, which will not happen if she comes. She was okay with it but I feel bad. Still, I had to do the right thing for me. It's RARE for me to do that but I just have to this time.
I think that "we" don't put ourselves first enough and that may play a huge part in the stress of our lives and in the comfort eating I often find myself involved in. I know that I really need to change that about me. If you do to post it in the comments section. I'd love to banter with you about how to change that. I think it would help me immensely.
I guess its like dieting in a way. One baby step at a time until it takes. Then move forward at your own pace. I may have taken my first baby step today. I'll keep you informed. I stuck to the strictness of my diet even in the face of the vending machines at college as my stomach growled heartily. I'm kind of proud of me tonight.
On that note I will say good night, but not before reminding you that you look the best that you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. See you next blog! ;-)

January 27, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

It was a hard day to stay positive but I managed it. My car wouldn't start this morning so I was forced to take a personal day. The guy from the dealership jumped it and it started right up. I had left the lights on. I cannot believe I did that.
I refused to let it get to me. Once the car was back in working order I decided to go to the college and get my book for statistics class. There were thousands of cars and not one parking spot. I gave up after 45 minutes of looking and headed on home. I had planned to get the book after work anyway so I just figured that I would stick to the original plan.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and found that I had misplaced the money. I have no idea what happened to it. I was forced to use my credit card, which I hate to do. The money turned up in the trunk of the car thankfully. It must've dropped out when I put my purse in there so that I could go into the college bookstore without putting it in one of those stupid lockers. I did that before I left home to save time.
Anyway, I had time in the afternoon so I went back to the college, got the book and did the homework. It took 3 hours and change. It is so hard. I'm scared for my 4.0. I think I may have to wave goodbye...but I hope not.
My husband came home but had to leave after only an hour to teach his class at Seton Hall. The rest of the night was lonely but I'm really okay. I still feel good. I had a nice light dinner and a perfect temperature shower and my kitties showed me too much love to describe so I'm thinking that life is pretty good. Am I crazy? ...It's a distinct possibility.
I thought of some really cute and playful things to do for my loved ones on Valentine's Day. I'll keep you posted on that status. My mind feels free of stress...weird right? Maybe its because I wrote a lot tonight to fill the time. I love writing.
My husband just arrived home so I am going to close for tonight. I stuck to the diet like glue even in the face of the days total adversity so I'm good to go as they say.
Remember: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. See you next blog. ;-)

January 26, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

Once again, I stuck to the diet like glue. I'm very proud of myself for that. It is a serious accomplishment given the amount of parties and the like that are going on around me lately. I don't move even one milimeter...I just gracefully decline and am biding my time until Valentine's Day. That's the cheat Day. Actually it changed to the 13th because I am cooking dinner for my beautiful baby boy and his wife as a Valentine's Day gift.
I spoke to my searcher BFF today. She said that my blog inspired a very profound thought in her...after she told me what it was, she inspired it in me. I guess one good turn deserves another right? She said that she feels the need to pull away from the negative; like negativity in people around her. I listened as she spoke and fully grasped the concept of what she was saying. In a manner of speaking "misery loves company." They try to drag you into the myer. Once your in, it's real easy to get stuck. At least that was my interpretation of the over all concept of the conversation.
With me, the negativity latches on. I'm not one for confrontation so it usually eats me alive from the inside. With me, bad eating habits are my vice. I turn to food for comfort even though I know better. It then creates a vicious circle which pulls me into the eye of the tornado...and fifty pounds later I'm as miserable as they are... do you see what I mean? I'm also trying not to go that way.
Today began 15 minutes before work started with a nasty client coming in and making everyone around him feel as miserable as he was feeling. Normally that kind of an encounter sets the presedence for my entire day. I didn't allow it to though. It turns out the day wasn't too bad. There were moments- make no mistake that there's clearly a full moon on the horizon, but it was okay.
Tonight I went to the first class of the semester at college. It was Statistics. Math. NOT my forte. The teacher's accent is beyond thick...I understood every third word or so. The guy next to me was just lovely though. He shared his email from the teacher, which I did not get and his book which I have to purchase tomorrow at the school book store. He coached me through the parts that I couldn't understand and it all worked out. After class I told him how nice that I thought he was. Apparently we had another class together and I coached him through. He wouldn't have passed it if it hadn't been for me he said. Nice right> Kindness really does pay off in the end doesn't it?
So all in all I'm going to have to say that positive, affirmative action is the way to go. I'm feeling very good tonight. It's late and I'm heading off for slumber land. See you next blog. ;-)

January 25, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

It was a long day at work but not a bad one. I stuck to the diet like glue and was very tired by the time I arrived home. My co-worker is doing great on her journey as well. The girl that thought she had the urinary infection like I had came back. She had a kidney stone. She really suffered- the poor thing.
All in all I have nothing profound to say with the exception that I'm remaining positive and forging ahead to the best of my ability. School starts tomorrow again so I'm very anxious about that. I'm not looking forward to it the way that I used to.
Please forgive the short note. I will try and do better tomorrow. If you have anything you'd like to talk about feel free to put it in the comments section. I'm just pushing through the rest of the night and heading for bed.
Remember: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive. See you next blog! ;-)

January 23-24 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

Whew! What a weekend! My Saturday began with a morning dedicated to karate. I worked hard. I am very rusty but I gave it everything that I had, so I feel like I honestly can say that I did well.
I went home to straighten the house and get ready for my friend's son's 14th birthday party. In order to do that I had to pick up an old friend whose car broke down in North Bergen and then come all the way back past my house and go to Ridgewood where the party was. I am happy to report that each task went down without a hitch and we went to the party making several great people very happy.
After that North Bergen buddy decided to stay the night at my house so that we could go to karaoke together. Blairstown Buddy joined us and we had a great night at karaoke, where I was complimented left and right about my outfit...my body...everything... and then a fun pajama party! I felt like a child again! It was so much fun. I'm happy and thrilled to report that I stuck to my diet even in the face of the children's party goodies and pizza. I am proud of me!
I took North Bergen home this morning and Blairstown took herself. Then the next event was to occur. My mother-in-laws birthday was today. My sister-in-law wanted us all to go out together as a family. Mom in law chose Houlihan's.
I only had 2 yogurts for breakfast and lunch and I was petrified that I would do the wrong thing at dinner.
While I was at mom in laws house waiting to go out my husband left to go to the ATM for some cash and my sister in law went to pick up the kids. I sat with mom in law and she opened my gifts. I gave her a roll of stamps, some fancy note paper, a beautiful rose candle...real roses...lovely, a little frame and two cards with a chocolate Dove red rose on each one. One from me and I made my husband sign the other. It was like pulling teeth but it made her so happy that I was glad that I did it. She actually choked up at the cards.
She is keeping a journal of things that she finds interesting which I thought was great and when she offered to read it to me I was both honored and thrilled. Sadly the thrill died when she got to the quotes that she likes page. One of the quotes was "Second place is just the first loser." It's a fine quote...a little negative though..., but then she added that she thought of me when she read it. I felt funny about it. It felt like a back handed way of saying something negative about me... like I'm too stupid to catch it or something...I didn't like it. I said nothing because shes 82 and I'd like with all of my heart to believe that she meant that she thought I was a perfectionist or something along those lines.
The dinner went well though. I had one half of a Southwest wrap. I didn't touch a french fry, even though they were on the plate after I asked for them to be left off. I drank diet coke. I had the sandwich half that was left wrapped for my husband to take for lunch tomorrow and I'm good to go! I admit to being very proud of myself this weekend. I'm REALLY trying. I hope that the number shows it on the 5th.
I will sign off here. Remember that you look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow will be that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive! See you next Blog! ;-)

January 21-22, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

I felt kind of bad when I got home on Thursday night so I didn't blog. I was having a go-round with my own mind. I have been doing that lately. Maybe its the medication...I'm not sure. I begin by daydreaming about how different life will be if I actually get the weight off. I see myself walking on the beach, at a pool or in a great big airport wearing comfortable clothes that I look sexy and sassy in on the way to the place where I will be doing a book signing.
The thoughts drift to why its not happening faster and what number the scale is showing and being so large even though I'm trying hard and have been for quite some time- or at least it feels that way. I feel discourages, sad and depressed. Why is it so hard? Stay the course- I tell myself.
My mind then veered again to the nice things that I've been trying to do for others anonymously. I tell the Lord I don't want the instant karma thing to be the reason- I just want to do nice things. I don't want anything unless he feels like helping me do those things. I don't want to be THAT person.
I admit openly that I actually love to tease people and that's whats "in it" for me. I can tease them and if I can help them at the same time- well then so be it. I talk to the Lord often. As it turns out, he listens.
I opened the front desk at work this morning in the usual manner but I forgot to flip over the angel calender. I was explaining all of this to my coworker when I noticed that it needed to be date changed. I flipped it over and the inspirational view of the angels was "Spread your wings and fly with confidence, earth angel." Wow. BOTH things were answered in one moment of time. All I had to do was to pay attention.
After that nice things happened all day. One coworker that I'm cordial with but hold at bay friendship wise offered to help me get a book signing at "Bookends" book store in Ridgewood. She is closely affiliated with the Chamber of Commerce in that town. After I reconnected my jaw I spoke to her at length about it. When she left to go about her day it stuck with me for a long time. Did THAT really happen? Nice things happened to me on a subtle level all day too. It was so wild.
My coworker is doing great on her diet as well and I'm feeling VERY happy about that. She is taking care of her daughters boyfriend right now. He got hurt in a motorcycle accident and has needed several surgeries to repair the damage to his leg. This one should see him able to walk again which is wonderful news for her. His family is far away. She stepped up to the plate as did her entire family. These are truly special people. Just being near her brings me closer to God I feel. Shes the genuine article... she doesn't get anything out of it other than love. I strive to be like that.
I stuck to the diet but my mind is still reeling with feelings of discouragement and low self worth. I just long to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see. One day....
Tomorrow is going to present a pretty big challenge. I have karate early in the morning. A birthday party in the afternoon and karaoke with Blairstown BFF and her friends. Her friends are gay. She felt the need to let me know. I assured her that I have many gay friends. I accept that they are gay if they accept that I am not. Its that simple. She liked my response she said.
So that's it for the last two days. I'm working hard on dieting and trying to pull myself out of this tailspin I've gotten myself stuck in before it spirals out of control. So far I've got the helm. I'll keep you posted.
Remember...and I will try to also: You look as good as you can for today. Tomorrow you will look that much better. Do not let your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive...A HUGE thing! See you next blog! ;-)

January 20, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-21T16:10:00.000-08:00

I feel so much better today. Not 100% but okay. It was another busy day but not as overwhelming as yesterday. I daydreamed a lot about a bunch of things that I probably shouldn't have. I feel so discouraged about my weight loss progress. It takes so long and its so hard. I wish I could be like other people and just be naturally thin. I hope that I get it off and then keep it off and I pray that it happens fast. That's where my dreaming came in. More ...wishing I guess.
I stuck the the diet even though I feel depression creeping in. I usually eat during times like this but I just keep telling myself that Valentine's Day is the next cheat day. I will have a visit with my son and I'll eat something delicious and I'll feel wonderful and normal at least for that one day. I prayed hard for the angels, the Lord and any other kind of help that I could get from above today. I feel like I've been answered. "Patience" was a word that seemed to fill my head.
It was funny to talk to my coworker about my horoscopes that are on face book lately too. She noticed that a bunch of them said that something big is going to occur. Something that will change my life and will ultimately be one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's scary. I would like it to be fame finding me through my books. I hope that it is that.
The night is just a lonely, quiet one. My husband is teaching a diving class again. I am on my own so I'm heading for the hot shower and some rest. I bid you a lovely day or night depending upon when you are able to read this and I remind us all once again that we look as good as we can for today. Tomorrow we will look that much better. Do not let your perception of your body stand in the way of you having a good time. Stay positive...I know its hard...I struggle with it too. You are not alone. I'm right here with you. See you next blog! ;-)

January 19, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

It was a seriously busy day at work. There was hardly enough time to take a deep breath. I'm actually thankful though because it helped me not think about feeling so sick.
My coworker is thinking about going to see a hypnotist to assist her in losing weight. She asked me if I wanted to go with her. I thought about it and actually leaned toward going to see what it was all about. It turns out that I cannot go so the decision was made for me. Its on the first Tuesday of the month which makes it a school night at college for me. She is going to go and let me know how it goes though and of course I will tell you.
My husband had to go teach a diving class and my sister-in-law wanted me to come over for dinner. She had made homemade soup. I just felt so odd about it that I said I'd stop over after grocery shopping but dinner was not an option because I had already eaten with my husband before he left.
I went grocery shopping and then stopped over there as planned. The kids were so happy to see me. It was great. My niece made me a hippy headband and a ring, which I wore with pride until I got out to my car. It was cute. I held both my niece and my nephew on my lap in turn. They are getting so big.
I stuck to the diet as best I could. I began feeling better which I thank heaven for. Tomorrow is another day. See you next blog. ;-)

January 18, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-19T18:58:00.001-08:00

Got to work on time. Found out a coworker also has a bladder infection- at least she thought she did. She went home; landed at the doctors office and was sent for scans. They think hers is a possible kidney stone. Gees.... I'm ok. Still under the weather but feeling better. The meds seem to be kicking in but they leave me nauseas.
I stuck to diet but once again could not stomach any kind of food. I had no breakfast, a plain yogurt at lunch and the same for dinner. I just couldn't get my stomach to calm down. It has decided to rebel against me.
I had a bad thing happen to me...actually is was a comment made to me. We were discussing weight loss of course and I said that I was actually pretty happy with myself because I've been on a roll lately. My sister-in-law said "are you sure that's just a roll, and not a sub or a hero?" She laughed but it cut me to the quick. Why would she say that. She's not thin herself. I did not retort or comment back but it hurt my feelings. I know that I'm still not where I wish that I was but I'm out there trying hard and succeeding in as far as the scale is headed in the right direction. It just bothered me so much. Sometimes I think people just get off on using me as a target to get the scope sites off of themselves.
Normally a thing like that would've sent me reeling; running to eat away the stress. Thankfully the Lord saw fit to make my body rebel against food today. I wish people would treat me the way that I treat them though. Too much to ask I guess because I'm very conscious of trying to be good and kind because I think its important.
I'm heading off to bed. I'm still dragging my tail. See you next blog. ;-)

January 17, 2010 Diet Blog

2010-01-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

Martin Luther King day. The man with a dream...may he rest in peace.
I went to the doctor. I got antibiotics for a urinary tract infection. My stomach hurts from it and from the medicine. I ate noodles and sauce for lunch. No breakfast. Some peanuts as a snack and that was it for the day.
I did every stitch of laundry and some miscellaneous cleaning. I went to the post office but they were closed. I did everything at a leisurely pace and slept in between. I'm just not feeling well. My 3 day weekend is over and I basically wasted it by being sick. I guess rest is a good thing but I feel like life is passing me by so quickly.
This blog is going to be short because I feel so ill but I did want to mention one thing that happened at the doctors office. They left the door open to my room and so I got a glimpse of the patient that was going into the next room. I'd say she was maybe 150-160 on a five foot three or four inch frame. I saw the nurse go in there and heard the nurse tell her about a test that she needed to have done. She gave her options of going here or there to get the test done but then clearly told her that she couldn't go to the third option because of her 'weight problem." I was horrified. She wasn't obese or even close to it. Granted she had a little extra weight on her but I'd hardly call it a problem. She left with her face hanging. My heart bled for her. When the doctor came in to talk to me I winced. Not because of the pain of him pushing on my belly but because he might tell me that too. It fits me but I would be devastated. I'm sure that the other patient was. He didn't say it but I felt it.
I'm too sick to continue this but I don't understand why things like that occur. That's a doctors office for heaven sake. Is that good bedside manner? Do they even teach good bedside manner anymore?
I'm obviously off the beaten trail for the diet. I didn't break it but I didn't eat right either. So much for being on a roll. I'm kind of "bummed" about losing the momentum but like I often tell you guys- tomorrow is another day. Start again...and so will I. See you next blog. ;-)