December 6, 2009

It was a busy day. I did laundry, grocery shopped, went to CVS twice, party box, wrote out my Christmas cards and went to AMC Theatre at The Garden State Plaza and purchased gift certificates for several people as holiday gifts. Whew! Those few sentences took me all day.
I fought with myself over something today though. Normally, it would've effected my diet in a negative fashion but I was able to get past it by actually facing the feelings instead of burying them in chocolate or some other detrimental food binge.
Let me explain what happened. I have an XBFF that I loved very much once upon a time. At Thanksgiving I reached out to those I've been estranged with and for the most part, the response was good. The birthday of X is today. I got reminded by alarm on my phone. I deleted that today- so it won't happen again.
I really hated this particular XBFF for awhile because X did some things that were pretty awful, and hurtful to me unnecessarily, and also hurt a very young friend of mine in a very bad way- one that will make her cringe with hurt and shame forever more. I don't hate easily...in fact I can't think of anyone else I've actually felt hatred for---ever... and I've had a rough life....I was mean to X from that second forward, I loathed X openly, was furious with X, and felt such disgust that I broke up the friendship over it. It turned out that X is nothing that they claimed to be. Finding that out made it set in stone. X lied about everything and anything that was ever said to or involed me. It was heart wrenching to have been duped that badly by someone. I loved X to pieces...or the person that X claimed to be anyway....
For me- carrying that kind of hatred around is unnatural. By nature I'm peaceful, unconfrontational and gentle. Though 'nervous Nellie' fits too, I don't hurt others. I show compassion and sympathy or empathy as each situation presents itself. I truely do not understand why X felt the need to hurt either one of us- but X leaves a trail of destruction in their wake as it turned out. X hurt me- but the true hatred came when I found out what X did to that young friend. I hated X with every ounce of my being.... It showed when we crossed paths. He entered a place- I left. I didn't acknowledge X or rolled my eyes in a nasty manner when we crossed paths. If I saw X first- X never knew I was there...you get the idea....
Anyway- For me- I reached out to X on Thanksgiving too. I feel that I need to forgive X and then the bad feelings will go away. I'm a better person than that. I don't like the things that came out of me over loving this person. It'll be better for me to let go of the hate. I just didn't know how to do that. So I added him to the text list. X responded pleasantly on the Thanksgiving text, which didn't shock me. X is forever pleasant...just very fake... phoney, you know? It helped me--- but it didn't. I can't explain other than to say that I still felt such anger. I let go of it best I could but dredged up the hurt again. I thought hard about it. I decided to try and let that go too. I text X "Hpy Bday." I wrote it just like that. Nothing more, nothing less.
X text me back as I knew would happen. X is always Johnny on the spot and just as full of it as the portable John that saying is named after. X wrote "Thank you so much." Just like that. Oh! the hurt flooded back through me like a tidal wave. I cried for awhile and asked the Angels for help in letting go of the hurt so that I could heal. I cried hard. You know- this may sound odd- but they came. The Angels really came. I felt them envelope me while I cried. I looked up and my cat was sitting in front of me staring. I think the cat saw them. I laughed at the confused look on the cats face. With that my Angels were gone. Somehow I felt better and was able to continue on into my busy day.
The fight with myself was over texting X at all. Now I'm glad I did. Not for X- X isn't worth the dirt on my doormat, but for me; for my heart.... It did help me release the hatred. X doesn't deserve me or her in their life. I know that now. It's X's loss. I feel pity for X. X must think very little of himself to be so ugly to people that love them. Thank you Angels....
I ate fruit salad for breakfast, vegetable salad for lunch, turkey cutlet, rice pilaf and green beans for dinner. No snacks- no time!
I heard from my ex-coworker who just had the baby. It was so good to talk and share with her. I heard from my young PA friend. She went rock wall climbing with a boy last night and she really likes him. I'm so thrilled for her! I hope that it works out. The last fella was horrid, judgemental...ick! I heard from several others too, which made me so happy! I feel better about things. I love deeply--- and I'm loved deeply. I have Angels on my side too.... You sure can't beat that!
I'll sign off here remembering that I too- look as good as I can for today. Tomorrow I too will look that much better. I need to not let my perception of my body get in the way of my having a good time. I need to stay positive! We are in this together.... Have an excellent Sunday night and I'll see you next Blog! ;-)